21st century

My fiancé and I have a wonderful 2.5 year old boy, we are engaged, and have been for about 1 year, have been living together for 3 years, and started dating 4 years ago.

That being said, we are thinking about trying to conceive baby #2 soon.

His parents are all for it.

On the other hand, my parents (Mom, in particular) keeps trying to push a wedding upon us and has since the day our dear son was born.

We are already living together, have one child together, share our bank account…etc…

My fiancé and I are not religious, not against it, just not religious. We do not attend church, our son is not baptized.

We are happily living together, get along great, and neither of us have marriage as a top priority.

Is being engaged, living together, and having a child together, just as much socially acceptable now-a-days as being married and having a child? IT IS THE 21ST CENTURY!

Also, I am 24 years old, my fiancé is 25. We both have steady jobs (Nurse, and construction)


If you’re living together and have a child together, I honestly don’t understand why you don’t get married. The tax break alone would be worth it. Other than that, I guess I’m not really sure what you’re asking.

Marriage is not a top-priority to either of us at this point and time in our life.

Things are fine just the way they are now, why add the stress of planning a wedding/marriage to the mix.

Divorce rates are sky rocketing through the roof.

As he is your fiancé, didn’t you already plan on getting married?
I don’t think it’s necessary and if you don’t feel like getting married just yet, you shouldn’t. It’s only a paper after all!

At one point and time we had started to think about getting married, then we decided after the effort, the money, the debt…it wouldn’t be worth it right at this moment in time.

I agree, it IS only a piece of paper.

If having another baby is more important to you right now than having a wedding, then do it that way :slight_smile: I don’t think it’s as important nowadays to be married before you have kids (though this might be different depending on what country you live in). My parents didn’t get married until after they’d been together for over ten years and had four children. They didn’t feel it was something they had to do first. [name_m]Don[/name_m]'t get me wrong, they love being married, but before that they were perfectly happy with things the way they were. If you are happy with just being engaged at the moment, why change that? You can always get married later if you want to!

A wedding doesn’t need to be filled with debt and spending a lot of money. The most important people in the marriage are the bride and the groom. You don’t need to invite anyone else to the wedding. People put way too much stock in the “we have to spend spend spend on our wedding day”. You don’t. Society says you do and society isn’t always right.

Like I mentioned above, it’s more than just a piece of paper. It’s also tax breaks. In addition to that, it’s health insurance if one person decides to quit their job and stay home with the kid(s) (or if someone get laid off).

Thanks for your input kirstenlouise! That is amazing that your parents were happily unmarried, together, for ten years with 4 children! If you don’t mind me asking, are they still together to this day?

On the other hand with Obamacare being implemented that is less of a concern since you now have the exchanges to turn to, assuming you live in the U.S. (in fact I’ve heard of companies discontinuing spousal coverage for that reason).

They are. This year they had their tenth wedding anniversary :slight_smile:

There are also companies that offer insurance better than what you will find on the free market (including spouses). Also, there are some people who don’t feel comfortable taking a government handout so they’d rather stay on private insurance as long as possible.

I honestly think it’s probably a close split on whether people think it’s okay or not.
I understand that divorce rates are skyrocketing, but they’re probably on par with people who live together and break up.
You’re living with all the responsibilities of marriage, what with children and shared bank accounts, so it’s not like getting married would change anything in your lives, other than a legally recognized commitment.

I can understand how your mom pushing you can feel upsetting and annoying. And I respect your autonomy to make your own decisions, and loving your fiance and babies is wonderful…

but since you asked, I think marriage is more than a tax break, legal protections, a religious ceremony or insurance coverage. I am divorced and remarried. My step kids have us on one side and their mom with her boyfriend of 6 years on the other. The relationships are different (and would be even if they got married), but those kids are waiting and waiting for their mom to get married. [name_m]Even[/name_m] after going through their parents divorce.

Marriage isn’t perfect, but I know that I don’t have any desire to go back to my husband being my boyfriend or live-in or any other name for him. My divorce was the most awful thing I have ever been through and I will do just about anything to keep that from happening again. But even so, I wanted to marry my husband from like our 3rd date on! I thought I’d be able to explain it, but I just can’t, so I guess all I can say is that there are tangible and intangible reasons that the gay community is fighting so hard to have marriage recognized for them.

All that is to say that even if it is annoying, your mom has your best interests at heart and means well. She wants to know that you and your beautiful babies are stable, protected and enjoying the sweetness of a good marriage. It’s a compliment to your fiance and your relationship that she wants everything official!

[name_f]Do[/name_f] what makes you happy. If you want to get married, do it; if not, don’t. If you want the marriage and not the big hoopla and expense then go to the courthouse, but don’t feel pressured to marry if it’s not on your radar. Hubby and I lived together before we got married and after 7 years together are just getting to the baby making, but that is what worked for us. I get a lot of flack from people for not changing my last name when I married, but its my name! Bottom line, only you and SO can decide whats best for you.

If you don’t want to, I see no reason to. If you do want to get married and the cost is stopping you, there is always a courthouse. You don’t HAVE to have a big wedding. And if your parents are the ones set on it, make them pay, haha.

As far as having a second child, if that is what you are asking about, I think if both you and your fiance agree you would like to, that it is up to you. Neither of your parents should have any say in the matter and will be happy for you either way.

I honestly don’t understand why people make such a fuss over the marriage-before-kids thing. It seems like such a dated concept, like you said - it’s the 21st century! So long as you’re happy and your kids are happy, loved and well-cared for, why do you need to get married? If you want to, fine, but if you don’t, you definitely don’t have to.

[name_m]Don[/name_m]'t let other people tell you what’s best for you and your family. Only you can decide that.

If you’re happy, then great. Who cares? You’re right, it’s the 21st century, people can have children and live together without being married.

[name_m]Don[/name_m]'t mean to offend, but may I ask why you’re still “engaged” if you don’t plan on ever getting married? Knowing you’re engaged and seeing an engagement ring (if you have one) probably isn’t helping your mother’s wedding fever!

Also, divorce rates are high, but not getting married doesn’t protect your relationship from failing any more than anyone else’s.

I’m personally a fan of marriage :0)

I don’t mean to offend, but if you live together, have children together, share money, share a life, etc… you are basically married. I would just go make it legal. As you said, it’s just a piece of paper, so if you have it or don’t have it, will it change anything?

It’s your choice in the end… if it bothers you that much, then maybe you secretly do want to be legally married? If not, then just ignore your mom… we all know how to do that :wink:

[name_m]Even[/name_m] if you’re living together, engaged, kids etc. Marriage can still feel like a big step, even if you are married but the paper.
[name_f]Do[/name_f] it when it’s right for you, don’t do it for anyone else. You shouldn’t get pressured into being married, that kind of misses the entire point of wanting to make a big thing of your devotion and committment to your partner.

There are still benefits to marriage; that’s why homosexuals fight for the right to do it. Social security benefits for you or your husband (not just the kids) should either of you die, the right to make medical decisions for your spouse should they become incapacitated, etc.

It’s also a binding promise. And even though you could get divorced, I sense that this the binding promise part of marriage is important to you, as it was for us. Pretty much the only thing I even remember about what our officiant said at our wedding was that even after 7 years (and even though we lived together, shared a checking account, everything you mentioned except having children together) things will be different. But in a good way. I still can’t explain it well, but I found that to be true, especially when I was changing my name and signing it all the time. You really will feel the importance of the commitment. (I’m not religious, either…but as you well know that doesn’t mean I lack morals or values; monogamy and marriage mean a great deal to my husband and me)

I am thankful that neither of us needed marriage to get by; we each can support ourselves. We each wanted to make a binding commitment, both legally and in the presence of our friends and families. And that’s what makes it special, imo.

So I think you and your SO should discuss it and get married when you’re both ready for the commitment. Not because anyone else wants you to, but because you two both want to by your own free will. The last thing you want is to feel trapped or like you were cajoled into it.