Abandonment issues

I don’t really know where to start. I think I thought about having kids for years but something is always bothering me.
I absolutely adore kids, I think about them as the greatest blessing someone can receive in their life, I even want to adopt a child at some point in my life and I’m sure I’ll definitely love it and do everything I can to provide him/her with the best life I can. But when it gets to having my own/biological child, that’s a completely different story.
I think I just fear commitment, and I see having kids as the only aspect of your life that once it’s done you can’t take it back. And I judged and blamed my mom for so long for abandoning me that my biggest fear is “what if I’ll end up just like her?”, what if one day I’ll wake up and decide that all this parenting thing just isn’t for me, and I’ll look at that soul I brought into this world and all I feel is nothing or the desire to run as far as can from it? The last thing that I want is for my child to feel unloved
Is it better to not have a child?

I’m sorry to hear about your troubles. Sadly, I don’t think this is a question that can be answered by strangers on the internet, or even by people in your personal life. Whether you feel like having children is the way to go or not, it’s something you have to discover yourself, in your own time and through self-reflection. Without wanting to be presumptuous, this all seems like emotions and complications that might be best worked through in a therapy setting - especially since you mention having struggled with it on your own for years, to no avail.

Wishing you the best in figuring out the path that’s best for you.

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As a psychologist I agree with @emmievis that therapy might be a good option for you.

As a mother: I have my own mental health issues, and things from the past I’m still coming to terms with. I first became a mother without planning it or even wanting to be one, and I was terrified. I’m by no means a perfect mother, but before having more children I dealt with and worked through some of my issues. Looking back, I definitely wish i could have done all that before having my first child. You’ll never be absolutely 100% ready to become a parent, and there’s no such thing as the perfect time, but if you have the choice I believe you should come to terms with some things first, before making the decision of wanting to be a parent or not.

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I would be surprised if you weren’t afraid at all. I have a difficult background (different than yours, of course). I’m likewise scared of replicating the past… but my love for my three more than overwhelms the fears I battle. That and [name_m]God[/name_m] provides for my every weakness, especially in my many parenting failures.

I agree with the others. Seek wise counsel :slight_smile: