Adoption

[name_m]Hi[/name_m] Guys,

I was wondering if anyone here has adopted children before? This is something I’m interested in, but also a little worried about. I live in the UK so I would like to hear stories from people living in the UK who have adoption experience, but also would love to hear anyone’s experiences with adoption. I’m 22 soon so I’m not expecting to adopt soon, but I would still like to hear about it.

Aside from that, I’d like this to be an inclusive space so if you’ve thought about it, or are interested, or even want to find out more, feel welcomed here.

Let’s all try to be polite and respect everyone’s opinions too, though I have no doubt that that will be the case because Nameberry is pretty good in that regard, in my experience.

I’m gonna start by introducing what I’m thinking about in terms of adoption: so I have quite a strong urge to adopt. I don’t feel such a strong urge to give birth as I do to parent, and I think it would fit my personality and experience well because the grief/ trust issues is something that I understand.

I love the idea of building a relationship with a child that isn’t biologically my own, but that becomes my own through love, patience and understanding. I am open to ethnicity and I can see myself adopting 2 children within roughly a similar age gap, possibly a sibling group.

I can see myself adopting children who are young, probably under 5, but I would be interested in learning more about older children if that’s something someone has information about.

I would be good to stay in contact with foster carers or others who have been in contact with the child and/or nurtured them in some way, but I feel a little weird about keeping in contact with biological parents.

What do you guys think about the concept of staying in touch with biological parents? Not sure if this is even a requirement, but I think it’s possible.

[name_m]Feel[/name_m] free to comment or share your own thoughts and feelings regarding adoption.

:slight_smile:

P.s. sorry if there’s already a thread like this somewhere… I couldn’t find it :s

I am not adopted nor have I adopted, and I live in the US so I wish I could offer more personal experience. However, I am close in age to you and also feel a very strong calling to adopt, and wonder a lot about the ups and downs and ins and outs of adopting.

I watch a lot of youtube videos about adoption, and I follow vloggers who have adopted children and share all about their lives and experiences for their followers (I would search [name_u]Phil[/name_u] & [name_u]Alex[/name_u] and This Gathered Nest to start). They are incredible resources when it comes to the emotions and little details that go into adoption that you can’t always find by reading articles.
Not that you shouldn’t read those either!

Nameberry is just one place you can ask about adoption. I haven’t searched for them yet, but I’m sure there are adoption forums on other sites with a lot of Q and A’s that can help give you more info.

By the way, in regards to birth parents, one thing I’ve learned from watching the vloggers I mentioned is that while adoption is beautiful and amazing, it is also very heartbreaking and difficult, particularly for the birth mother who is sacrificing her own child to give it a better life (cases in foster care might be a little different, but every child has a birth mother). You should feel comfortable and willing to do everything you can to either maintain a relationship with the birth parents (if they want one) or to keep a positive memory of your child’s birth parents alive for as long as they live (if birth parents dont want a relationship). This is a very important example of putting your child’s needs before your own.
Good luck! :slight_smile:

I heavily suggest checking out reddit, they have a subreddit called r/adoption or something similar. There are a lot of stories from people who have adopted and people who were adopted, with a lot of information and advice.
There’s also a channel on Youtube called Real Families, they reupload British documentaries from the 2000s and early 2010s I believe and they have a couple videos on adoption.
I haven’t adopted but I’m looking into it. I’m gay and not into the idea of getting pregnant, so if my future wife isn’t into the idea of a sperm donor we’ll probably be going the adoption route. I’m still young but I love the idea of motherhood and have done a lot of research on adoption over the years, though it’s challenging when most resources are US-based (I’m moving to the UK soon). Ideally I’d like to adopt one young kid, and when they’re out of the house foster a lot of older teens who need it.

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I live in [name_m]New[/name_m] Zealand but I plan to move to either the US , [name_f]Canada[/name_f] or [name_f]Scotland[/name_f] one day and a lot of what you describe is what I feel (particularly the part about not being attached to being pregnant). I love the idea of growing your family not just by the child you welcome but by the child’s biological family too (only child syndrome lol). I’m also on the autistic spectrum and whilst I would care from a spectrum child just like any other parent would have to and would be honored to , it would be nice to be able to enjoy my child/rens toddler years without having to be on edge and watching for signs. Domestic infant adoption will probably be my only choice though because I’m not sure I would be let in to a foster care/international program due to the stigma around autism.

I would highly recommend listening to adoption now. They have episodes on everything from foster care to embryo adoption to adopting siblings. There is also a episode with a British couple ([name_m]Earl[/name_m] and [name_f]Rebecca[/name_f])

Testing… as this doesn’t seem to be working.

Thanks all, for your responses.

For some reason I am unable to paste in my more detailed response :confused:

@leylalalin Thank you for sharing your story. So good to hear of positive stories of adoption. Was the adoption in Turkey/ did you grow up in Turkey? Thank you :slight_smile:

It’s so nice to hear that others feel the same way as me. I’ll be sure to check out the channels/ podcast recommended. I can only share Grace for the Millers who are an adoption family I watch on Youtube. Though there is also a British youtuber who has some videos talking about her adoption process @emmievis, though I must admit, my impression of UK adoption has not been a very positive or encouraging one, (like most things about the UK, eyeroll).

Yes! So, so happy for you to be exploring this option. I think adoption is WONDERFUL! I do not have personal experience with adoption, but I know I could love an adopted child as much as if I had given birth to them.

@summs Totally! I feel like in the future adoption is going to be more of a topic and something people are genuinely wanting to do. I really hope so anyway for multiple reasons. I’m thinking about fostering too, but again, everything is a little blurry for me; more research needed :slight_smile:

I have no experience of adoption myself but I have heard it is difficult to adopt domestically in the UK, especially if you want to adopt a baby rather than an older child. And you have to meet the eligibility criteria.

Recently in the news there was a story about an British [name_f]Indian[/name_f] couple who were told by their local council that they couldn’t adopt because all the children available in the area for adoption were white (the couple sued the council and won). They eventually adopted a son from the USA.

@choupette wow, thank you for that information. If I’m honest, I’m not at all surprised. [name_f]Glad[/name_f] that family sued and got to adopt a child from the USA, but it’s strange because I thought I read somewhere that there are many many ethnic children in the UK who need adopting… the adoption services here are evidently not up to scratch. Maybe that will change in the far future with so many youths here thinking progressively. If not, I’m thinking we’ll have to raise enough money to adopt a child from overseas, like the [name_f]Indian[/name_f] couple did.

What do you think would happen in that scenario if one half of the couple was a White, English person, and the other, an ethnically diverse person who is not ethnically English, to their knowledge?

@leyla_lalin Thank you so much for sharing. I could see myself adopting a Turkish child - people often think that I am Turkish! My dad is from Iraq, but because of this I feel very connected with children/ people from that overall area, anywhere Middle [name_f]East[/name_f]/ Mediterranean.

Does anyone know anything about adoption in Scotland?

I don’t know much about the system in [name_f]Scotland[/name_f] or [name_f]England[/name_f] (assuming you’re English?), but I’m guessing they’re probably similar to the Welsh one. In [name_m]Wales[/name_m], you have to do all the training, home visits, background checks etc. then you just wait for the agency to find a match. They do ask you what kind of child you want to adopt and check if you can care for a disabled child or not, and if they can’t find a match you go on the waiting list. Once you find a match, you have to have more meetings with people like the foster parents and sometimes the child themselves (if they’re old enough). You have introductory visits before they can actually move in with you, then there’s a minimum 10 week waiting period before you can legally adopt the child.

Not sure if it’s the same in [name_f]England[/name_f], but in [name_m]Wales[/name_m] they usually prioritize language above anything else (obviously), then they look for a child that’s ethnically similar to you. If you don’t want to adopt within your own race, and you have a good reason for it, they’ll look outside your ethnicity. I think I made it sound a bit complicated here, but I have a lot of friends that were adopted in the late 2000s so unless there’s a different system now I know it’s not too difficult.

@lucyxo Thanks a lot for your information! I’m not sure it’s that simple in [name_f]England[/name_f] as what I’ve heard so far hasn’t really implied as such, but [name_m]Wales[/name_m] seems to have it together so it’s good to know that [name_m]Wales[/name_m] can be an residence option for the future.

What are people’s opinions on the ethics of adoption?