Advice on Adoption

Hey guys!
So in the near future hopefully; Hubs and I are thinking of adopting, I’ve wanted to since I was a kid. But I need your guys advice (If you know someone that has adopted or you’ve adopted) Some top questions that I have; What type of adoption did you do, and iyo which is the best? [name_f]Do[/name_f] the kids have a relationship with there bio families? Did you change their names?
And it would be great just to give me overall advice about adopting, like what it intails, how much time it takes to get your adoption license etc.
TIA guys! :slight_smile:

Hello there, I haven’t adopted but plan to in the future so I can provide you with some info.
First of all, I’m assuming you mean strictly adoption and not fostering that could potentially lead to adoption. You didn’t specify.

I definitely recommend checking out reddit.com/r/adoption for more well-informed advice. You can ask all the questions you want and search with keywords for already answered questions.

''[name_f]Do[/name_f] the kids have a relationship with their bio families?"
According to the internet: “Nowadays, however, the trend in the United States is toward open adoptions, in which all the parties to an adoption meet and often remain in each other’s lives.”

I believe this is the healthier option anyway. It’s good for the kids to know where they came from, or else it may need to anxiety and bitterness about never knowing. I’m not saying you should invite the bio mom to dinner every [name_f]Sunday[/name_f], but she could be invited to birthdays or the kid’s graduation. [name_u]Or[/name_u] even just send Chistmas cards to each other.

Something to keep in mind about closed adoption: “If you insist on a closed process, your wait may be longer, since most agencies now encourage varying degrees of openness.”

I would strongly advice against changing the name of a child that is old enough to recognize it. If they’re only a few months old it might be fine, but it might be more respectful to the biological mother (assuming there was no history of abuse and the biological mother should still be respected) to keep the original first name as a middle name.

Adoption is time-consuming and expensive - just something to keep in mind.

Finally, on getting licensed:

2 Likes

Thank you so much for all this information, much appreciated!!
we would most likley be doing striclty adoption, but our minds are open :slight_smile:
This info really help, again, thank you.

2 Likes

[name_m]Hi[/name_m] there! [name_f]My[/name_f] two younger brothers are adopted, and I took a class on adoption (specifically interracial and international adoption) in college.

[name_f]My[/name_f] brothers are adopted internationally, from [name_f]China[/name_f] and [name_f]Russia[/name_f]. There are pros and cons of each type of adoption.

First I would decide what age of child you are looking to adopt. If you are looking to adopt a baby, this is very limited. There is private adoption, which personally would be my last choice. This is adopting a newborn whose birth parent decides they want to put their child up for adoption when they are born. With private adoption the children are not desperately in need of a home. There is a long waiting list for parents who all want the babies, as opposed to other forms of adoption where there are many many children and not enough adoptive parents. However this is essentially the only way to adopt a newborn baby.
Pros:
-1newborn baby
-often get to be involved with pregnancy
-open adoption (stay in touch with birth family)
-less risk of not working out

Cons:
-not necessarily giving a child a home who would not have one (this is a big one for me, but it depends on the reason why you are adopting)
-probably a long wait time

Movies portraying this: Juno (somewhat accurate)

For a baby there is also international adoption, but this is not guaranteed. Some countries (such as [name_f]China[/name_f] and [name_f]Colombia[/name_f] currently, I believe) do have some babies (by babies I am saying under 2 years old) available for adoption sometimes, but if you are open to any kinds of special needs you will likely be able to be placed with a baby.

pros:
-the child likely would not be adopted otherwise

cons:
-long wait time
-more legal/international issues and paperwork
-risk of fraud-RESEARCH THIS. It’s very serious. Not all adoption agencies are good. There is a big history of fraud in international adoption, and many cases where the children are taken from their families. Research research research
-interracial adoption poses other issues-again research research research. Embrace their culture. [name_f]Do[/name_f] not try to assimilate and white wash them. Lots of history here too

Movies portraying this- Wo Ai Ni Mommy (accurate!)

There is also fostering in the US, but you should not go into this with the hopes to adopt. “Fostering to adopt” is a dangerous mentality to go in with, as the main goal in foster care is to reunite with their birth family. Adoption is a last resort and you will not get priority. Going into it with the idea that you will adopt them can end up hurting both you and the child. It may end up working out for you, but it may not.

pros:
-probably shortest wait time
-very little chance of fraud
-children of all ages
-open adoptions (sometimes)

cons:
-might not work out
-may have past trauma

movies portraying this: The Fosters (somewhat accurate but a bit dramatized, still a good watch!)

Each form of adoption is very expensive, and like I said they all have pros and cons. I hope this helps!

Also a quick note on changing names-
If they are adopted through foster care, I would not unless they ask to or they are under the age of 2. If it is international adoption, I think keeping their birth name in the middle spot is a good solution

Also when possible it has been proven that open adoptions (keeping in touch with birth family) are the most beneficial to the kid

I can go into more detail about fraud and the history of international and interracial adoption if you are interested! It is extremely important to be aware of if you choose this

3 Likes

thank you SO much!! This is super helpful.
We we’re thinking of adopting ages 1-6 because my children are young. And we’re also highly considering sib sets! (and also I have watched the fosters, thats what made me more want to adopt me lol)
So question, instead of fostering to adopting in the US could we just get our adoption license and adopt from the US instead of fostering first? if that makes sense.
And we might change there names but yes, we would most likely keep there middle name or move there first name to the middle spot!

1 Like

If you want to adopt from the US you would either have to adopt through foster care or do a private adoption of a newborn. There are no direct adoptions in the US.

I would really emphasize that if you do adopt a child from the ages of 3-6, you should not change their name unless they tell you they want to. That is their name and identity.

yes, of course! :slight_smile:
Could you give me a little more info on private adoption? that would be super helpful!

1 Like

Sure!
Private adoption is when a woman is pregnant and decides to put the baby up for adoption when they are born. You would likely be a part of the pregnancy and you would be able to name the child and have them as soon as they are able to leave the hospital.

This is typically for people who are unable to have their own children and who want to have a newborn baby. The birth mom will likely interview many perspective parents and choose the one they think is best for their unborn baby. There are many many parents who want to adopt newborn babies, so there is a long waiting list. Because of this, these newborn babies are always adopted and never end up in foster care. You would work with a lawyer as well as the birth mom to decide the details of how you want to go about the adoption. If you have seen the movie [name_f]Juno[/name_f], this is the plot line.

1 Like

ok great thanks!! I have 2 newborns myself… so maybe not the best option :rofl: But again thanks for all this info.
What form of adoption would you recommend for sibling sets?

1 Like

and also another question sorry, if you adopt through foster care, how long do you have to wait to adopt them?

For sibling sets I would recommend domestic adoption (kids in foster care) or international adoption :slight_smile:

They are both very in need of parents looking for sibling sets!

Domestic adoption (“fostering to adopt”) is a really great way to adopt, I just wanted to emphasize that there are times that it does not work out and you need to be prepared for that. You should watch the movie Instant Family! It is very good representation!

International adoption currently (I believe) is open in [name_f]China[/name_f], Taiwan, [name_f]Colombia[/name_f], Haiti, and possibly [name_u]South[/name_u] Korea

1 Like

It varies case to case. On average it is 4-12 months :slight_smile: However a family friend of mine just adopted 2 adorable kids (ages 5 and 3 now) who they fostered for 2 years before being able to adopt. It depends on the child’s individual situation with whether their birth family is still around, in jail, etc

1 Like

yes instant family is such a great movie!! I can’t tell you how many times i’ve watched it :sweat_smile:
And this sounds like a great option for us so far, thank you!!!

1 Like

ok, thank you so much for this.:slight_smile:

1 Like

if you don’t mind another question, how long does it take to get your fosters license and what are the steps to take to get it?

That’s one I’m not sure about actually. You can probably look that up!

1 Like

thats ok!! thank you so much for answering all my questions!
So far me and hubs like the idea of fostering to adopt in the US :slight_smile:

1 Like

Fostering to adopt is really amazing! The kids in foster care really need families and it’s a very amazing thing to do

1 Like

thank you :pray::hugs:
Well then, we will do some research and most likely start to get our fosters license!
We’re hopeing to get it this summer and foster some kids this [name_u]Winter[/name_u] (and then hopefully adopt!!!)

2 Likes

I am happily adopted, as is my much (as in decades, much) younger little sibling. Both of us had “closed” adoptions with zero contact with our biological parents. [name_f]My[/name_f] sister was a foster system adoption, my cousin was an international adoption, and I was neither kind. I am not anti-open adoption, and I have no ill will towards my bio parents, but I personally prefer having had a closed adoption situation. International, foster, other doesn’t seem to make a difference once the process is done; I think there’s no one “right” answer there and all are fantastic things to do. I actually don’t know anyone in my offline life (I’m in the US) who has had an open adoption, though I do know that they happen. [name_f]My[/name_f] sister and I were both adopted as infants, and my parents did rename us. I renamed myself again as an adult. [name_f]My[/name_f] parents also had two biological children and never treated us any different. Ultimately I wouldn’t change my circumstances in that regard for the world. It’s true that adoption is time consuming and expensive, but if it’s right for your family, it’s 100% worth it.

2 Likes