Am I being selfish or unreasonable?

Boy Names
1

FIL passed away a year and a half ago. Now DH wants to name our baby boy after him. He’d like it as the first name but that’s absolutely not happening, but it’s still up in the air as far as putting it in the middle spot. I’m trying to be understanding but it’s so unappealing to me.

First (and mainly,) I really disliked FIL. In all my experiences with him he was grumpy, insensitive, bossy, and ill-mannered. He almost made me cry the first time I met him. He wasn’t a horrible person, but he wasn’t a very pleasant one, either. I know how petty it sounds, but I don’t want to “honor” him and I don’t want to be reminded of him. And it’s hard for me to personally understand why DH wants to name our son after him so badly because he wasn’t very involved in our lives, and he and DH spoke maaaaybe once a year.

Second, I’m not the biggest fan of naming babies after family. I know I’m in the minority on that, but I just prefer giving a child a name that is wholly their own. I’m also not keen on the politics of trying to include various people and making sure nobody gets hurt or offended. Our daughter’s name is all hers and in a perfect world, I’d want the same for this baby.

Third, and least important but still worth mentioning, I just plain don’t care for the name. It’s pretty ordinary, nothing bizarre, but I would never have considered it otherwise.

I honestly do want to be sensitive about this issue, and not hurt DH. I fully understand that it’s not just some random name to him, and I fully understand I don’t know everything about his feelings towards his father and their relationship. So far, I haven’t said anything negative about it other than not showing a lot of enthusiasm and saying I wouldn’t want it as the first name. (He’s probably holding out hope I’ll change my mind on that, though.) I suggested some variants of the name but he won’t go for it.

Thoughts? Part of me feels it would be best to let him have it as the middle, but I want to love our baby’s whole name. I’ve been very hormonal this pregnancy, and I’m having a hard time dealing with over-the-top emotions and figuring out when I’m being unreasonable!

2

Is there a way that you can incorporate the name, but change it somehow so that you like it better and it doesn’t remind you of your FIL so much?

This is a tough situation, because you do want to be sensitive to your husband’s wants too, but I’m a firm believer that you should use a name that both of you love, and never name out of obligation. Your husband presumably has many other memories of his father, and your son not being named after him isn’t going to take those away. Best to simply be frank and have an open conversation about it, and not hide your feelings. He may not even know how poorly you felt your FIL treated you.

Best of luck in this conundrum, and may you find naming peace. :slight_smile:

3

What about using 2 middle names? If your daughter only has one then it’s special but you can still have 2 names that feel totally your son’s.

I do think it’s a hard thing to completely block using a name your DH feels strongly about, is willing to compromise and put in the middle, and has a lot of meaning to him. I might say something different if you’d made it sound that he was abusive in some way, but as you said, you really can’t know all his feelings about his father–maybe this is his way of having closure and feeling that his connection isn’t severed completely.

4

I’m always a little nervous to answer a question that begins “Am I being selfish or unreasonable?”

Instead, let me just say this - it sounds important to your husband to honor his dad’s memory in some way through your son’s name. Think of how you would feel if one of your parents had passed away. Perhaps you can find some room for a compromise. Most couples compromise in some way on their children’s names anyway, as it’s rare for two people to have the exact same taste in names. But ultimately, it’s your son, your marriage, and your decision. Good luck.

5

I like the idea of playing around with the name to have it honor your FIL but still be something you like, too, like using a variant of FIL’s name (or even his middle name) or make it so your son has the same initials that your FIL had. That way your son still has his own name (and you can completely avoid the family politics–no one has to know/figure it out), but then everyone is happy.

I’ve also found that my DH has come up with all sorts of name ideas that I was totally against, but if I just nodded and waited, I found that he lost interest in the ideas after awhile anyway. Haha!

Good luck!!!

6

I’m in a similar situation. My FIL is still alive, but he’s not exactly someone I’d want to name my child after. However, if we have a boy, my husband would love to name our son after his father. His name is ordinary - [name_m]Samuel[/name_m] - and while I don’t hate it I certainly don’t love it either. I don’t know how much my husband wants to use this name (he hasn’t mentioned it in a while and seems open to other names), but there is NO [name_m]WAY[/name_m] I’m naming my future son [name_m]Samuel[/name_m]. It’s just not happening. And I don’t think I’m being selfish or unreasonable and I don’t think you are either! If he’s not the type of person you’d want to honour, then don’t.

7

[name_m]Just[/name_m] letting you know, I’m not a fan of naming my kids after family either. I have the same exact reasons as you; I want my child’s name to be 100% unique to them, and the politics of it are just too much, especially when you have a big family (like I do).

As far as this particular situation is concerned, its definitely a tough one!

I can’t say whether or not you are being unreasonable or selfish, but my suggestion would be to wait until you and your husband have some quiet time to talk and explain your thoughts to him; exactly what you wrote above. They seem like very good reasons not to want to commemorate your FIL with a name (in my opinion).

I like the suggestion of playing around with the name a little, so it has a little something special for your husband, but it’s not exactly the same as your FIL, therefore you are not unhappy with it.

I guess all you really can do here is communicate with each other.

Best of luck!!!

8

For a first name, if it’s not your cup of tea, you have every right to veto it.
For a middle name, I think that most people don’t use their middle names all the time so it should be fine there, However considering this:
“I suggested some variants of the name but he won’t go for it.”
I think maybe he is being a little stubborn on this issue. If he wants to use the name, I think he needs to at least be open to using a variant of it.

9

So, I was actually prepared to think you were being somewhat unreasonable but I have to say you changed my mind. I think the best thing to do is to sit down with your husband and have a discussion about why it is important to him and why it bothers you. The key is not to do it when either of you is irritated, tired or distracted. My husband and I have a rule that nothing gets brought up after 9pm. It just never ends well! I think if you can have an honest conversation in which each of you is respectful and sensitive to each other then you will figure it out. I think your husband certainly has a right to his opinion but your feelings are equally valid. It is you and your husbands child and the name needs to be something you both agree on. I am a fan of using family names but it works in my situation and is something my husband and I agreed in. It’s funny because I always bring up using family names on his side and he doesn’t want to do it. In fact he refused one name because he was sure his family would think he was trying to honor his grandfather and he really disliked his grandfather. Howver, it was super important to him that I changed my last name and that our kids had his name. We actually both come from non-traditional families in terms of last names. His father changed his name to my husband’s moms last name. And my mom ended up adding her maiden name back on to her married name after I was born and giving me that same last name. There were people in our families who had strong opinions when we got married about our last names. We made the decision together, with no input from our families. So, I’m sure there are people on my husbands side who don’t understand why none of our kids first and middle names are on their side of the family. I would explain if asked but don’t feel the need to justify. I also don’t feel the need to justify to anyone on my side why I took his name. My husband just cared that he liked the names and everyone had the same last name. I really wanted to use family names on my side but didn’t use anything my husband didn’t like. Whatever. That is what has worked for us. Find out what works in your marriage. Best of luck!

10

That is really, really tough. Some people do have unorthodox relationships with their parents that don’t make the relationships any less dear to them, and you’ve acknowledged that. You’ve suggested variants. It sounds like you’re doing everything right!

I don’t think you’re being selfish or unreasonable, and I would feel the same way if I were in your shoes. I would try to use the angle that your daughter’s name doesn’t honor family, and you’d like your son’s name to be his own as well and see if he bites. If he is adamant though, I think you might have to use it, and I would say the same thing if the genders were reversed. Think of it as honoring his feelings instead of honoring his father. I’m still on “your side” with this, but I don’t see a way to get around it without him letting the idea go.

(this is all if it’s a middle name. He should totally get it if you don’t want it as a first)

11

^This exactly^

12

I think this is really good advice. That said, I find it perfectly reasonable not to want to use the name in the first position.

13

Edited for privacy.

14

Selfish? Maybe just a little, but you’re pregnant, you’re allowed to be selfish when it comes to your baby. Unreasonable? NO, you clearly are considering it and how to work with your husband to find a name that you both like and value.

If it were me, I would stick the name in the middle. A variation or some other way to honor your FIL’s name instead of his actual name would be even better if the name brings up really bad memories for you.

I love family names, but I hate [name_m]Jr[/name_m]'s and III’s. My husband really wanted out first son to be a III, especially since his grandpa passed during my pregnancy. I wanted our son to have a connection to his past, but still be his own person with his own name.

Ultimately, if the name is important to your husband, then it is not about your son’s connection to your FIL, it is about your son’s connection to his father, your husband. If your husband is not open to looking for something fresher or more tailored to your son as an individual, or not picking up on your more subtle clues that you really don’t like the name, then you may need to have a brutally honest conversation about why you don’t want to use it AND why he does want to use it. Keep an open mind.

Good [name_m]Luck[/name_m]!

15

Though I am not expecting, or even planning to be in the near future, I am actually in a similar situation. My SO and his best friend (who is also my brother-in-law) made a deal when they were younger to name their first born son’s after one another. Well, two years ago, my nephew was born and was named after SO. He goes by a nickname. So now SO feels like he HAS to use [name_m]David[/name_m], which I do not care for (and I actually don’t particularly care for the person either, but nothing quite as bad as what you’ve said). I’ve said I would be willing to use it as a middle name, to no avail, or [name_m]Davis[/name_m], which I like, but that was a no, too. We’ve tentatively agreed to do it as the first, but call him one of his middle names, but I really don’t like the idea and am hoping once I am expecting he will loosen the reigns a bit. But really, it is the only thing he wants as far as names go - I am much more opinionated - so since it is so important to him I will likely give the okay as long as I can choose the rest of the name and we don’t call him [name_m]David[/name_m] (I like honor family through middle names and related names, but really dislike when someone is named exactly the same thing).

So that is how we are (tentatively) working it out, but definitely do what feels right for you. With the way you say he treated you, it definitely throws a wrench into things. Maybe you and hubby need to have a talk, because he may not realize that your FIL treated you poorly, and that may make him more apt to choose differently or at least settle for the middle.

16

Methinks you and he need to have a convo about this, and real fast. Letting issues fester is like adding fertilizer to crabgrass.

Neither of your needs are more important than the others here, and in these types of situations…where you both have to live with the outcome, yet it’s clear that only one of you can get what they want…it’s best to have a frank conversation where both you and he can talk abut your feelings and experiences with this man, as well as your concerns of naming your beloved after him. Sometimes, when feelings are aired, it’s not so difficult for one side to change one’s opinion. In the absence of that, neither of you have the information about the other that would allow you to do that comfortably, and it can quickly turn into a control struggle.

In the end, it’s just a name, and one of you will quickly see that the other’s needs take precedent.

17

It sounds like your husband really wants to make a connection with his father now since their relationship wasn’t great before. That is a really sensitive issue. I am going to have to take his side here. If you put it in the middle, then his feelings are satisfied and you never have to actually use the name. I am not usually a fan of 2 middle names, but it could be the 2nd middle. If you are really against those ideas, then discuss it with your husband. [name_m]Just[/name_m] be aware that it is probably going to rub him the wrong way. I would just take one for the team here.

18

Wow, lots of replies! I appreciate the comments. I like what people have had to say about doing it for my husband, not for FIL. FIL obviously won’t be aware of any naming “honor” but it would make my husband happy, which I of course want. I should add that we haven’t had a proper sit down discussion about it for a couple reasons - first, because we have vastly different naming styles in general and it’s difficult to talk about names at all, and secondly, because I guess I’m privately hoping he’ll find another name he likes better, but that’s probably not going to happen. A discussion is in order, though, and I’ll be thinking of ways to talk about it sensitively with him.

19

[name_m]How[/name_m] about instead of using his name, honor your FIL by using:
*a variant of that name
*a name with the same first initial
*a name with a shared meaning as FIL’s name.

20

If this was my situation I would happily let my husband honor dad with a 2nd middle. That way you can pick a first and middle that feel right for you. I would be enthusiastic about the idea too so that my husband wouldn’t feel like I was kicking the name to the bottom of the pile or something!

If he is against this you could always use FILs name as the birth certificate first name, but call your son by the middle of your choice. [name_m]Plenty[/name_m] of people go by middles and you could even include a “we’re calling him by _____” on your birth announcement.

I totally get what you’re saying about not really wanting to honor someone you don’t find all that wonderful, but for me, if it meant a lot for my husband I would find a place for it. I would never question his closeness to his dad either. Those kind of relationships are hard to understand.

In my opinion, the name could kind of disappear into the mix if you go the 3 given name route. [name_m]Even[/name_m] if it gets the first name spot!