An issue with the MIL

This isn’t a huge issue, but thought I’d get some other opinions on it.

[name_f]My[/name_f] 17 month old has beautiful hair - my husband is Egyptian with tight, tight black curls, and I have brown, wavy hair. Somehow, [name_m]Leonidas[/name_m] got blonde hair, but he also got gorgeous loopy curls. He’s still young, so his hair is still thickening, so often times it gets frizzy by the end of the day, or after he naps.

I don’t do anything to it, unless we’re going out then I spritz some water on it, tussle it up, and it goes into lovely defined curls.

The problem is my husband’s mother - I’ve shown her a few times how to do his hair (if they are going out), but she frequently douses it in water, and slicks it down. They sometimes have him overnight, or for a day or two, and when I see pictures from their visit with him a few days later, he constantly has his hair damp and flattened, and he looks ridiculous.

[name_f]My[/name_f] husband told me years ago that his parents used to do this to his hair when he was younger too - he thought it had something to do with them being immigrants, and wanting their children to look more “white” and not so “ethnic”. In fact, his dad STILL does a comb-over on himself - which obviously looks ridiculous. Their hair is NOT designed for comb overs!

I obviously have a big problem with this. No one would mistake my son to be part Arab - he didn’t inherit the dark hair, or the dark skin, but even if he had, I certainly wouldn’t be trying to hide it. By her flatten his hair, I feel like she’s disrespecting my wishes, but also setting a horrible example for my son - like he should be ashamed of how his body is - and it’s just his hair!

So I guess my question is - should I say something to her, or just leave it alone? Basically his parents disagree with all aspects of how we’ve chosen to raise [name_m]Leonidas[/name_m] (not circumcised, not vaccinated, no traditional medicines, etc.) so there are definitely bigger issues that we’ve dealt with, but this is one of the few that will keep recurring basically forever - and it’s visible.

What do you think?

First off, I think you should vaccinate your child.

Now that that’s out of the way, I think you should just say “Ach, I hate it when you do his hair like that, don’t you love to see his beautiful curls?” and leave it alone. If she keeps slicking it back, then whatever. You’ll probably feel better if you say SOMETHING but don’t make it into a big thing.

Is it horrible to say that I can see where your [name_f]MIL[/name_f] is coming from? I’m not saying she shouldn’t respect your wishes, but wanting to fit in and that need to assimilate when coming from an immigrant culture is very strong. Hair issues run very deep among many cultures who now make the US home, especially when the norm is NOT curly or ethnic hair. She’s not doing him any harm my slicking it back. I’d leave this one alone.

[name_m]How[/name_m] does hubby feel about it? I’d get feedback from him. Also, soon enough your son is going to be old enough to tell his grandma himself that he does or does not like his hair straightened out. I know I was pretty young when I started yelling at my mum when she’d do my hair in a way I didn’t like, because she’s told me on multiple occasions! haha

We have an identical ethnic mix (my husband is Arab, I am blonde, children have beautiful strawberry blonde ringlets). [name_f]My[/name_f] in-laws used to slick down my son’s hair too-- or worse, leave it as a big puffball. I have lots of products and spend time each morning taming the mane back into the [name_f]Shirley[/name_f] [name_u]Temple[/name_u] ringlets.

[name_f]My[/name_f] in-laws have said a few ‘self-hating’ things in the past that have left me feeling a bit uncomfortable. Things like “thank goodness the children don’t look Arab,” etc. [And they don’t-- if you’d like to click on my profile, you can see a picture of my baby daughter]. They are wildly proud of their ethnicity and heritage, too. There are bizarre colonialist remnants in their rhetoric; one of the most common bragging scenarios amongst Arabs is to say “I have blue eyes in my family” or to call someone “fair.”

Arab women in general spend loads of time straightening their hair, if they’ve inherited the curls. The cultural ideal of beauty is long, thick, lustrous, straight hair. It’s very difficult to have these sorts of conversations but honestly one of the best things re: my son is when we take him out and strangers remark on his little curls. When they’ve seen how much positive attention he gets, their attitude has dramatically changes.

And finally-- you know it’s coming-- there is NO reason not to vaccinate. None. “Natural immunity” is weaker than acquired immunity; there is no such thing as ‘vaccine injury;’ the link to autism has I hope been completely, relentlessly, thoroughly disproven; there are no ‘toxic chemicals…’ but there are plenty of reasons to vaccinate.

I can see how this is really frustrating. But if your husband is positive about his ethnic identity, that is going to be a much bigger influence on your son than his grandma messing with his hair. In my experience, grandparents will always do something to vex you when they watch the baby, but then hey! They are watching the baby! So it is a trade-off.

It sounds like your husband could stand to talk to his mother about his pride in his heritage and how he wants his son to have that as well. That is probably a good thing to encourage him in. But other than that, I would say don’t worry too much about this. It isn’t as if they are shaving his head or anything, they are just slicking it down with water. Your son is with you the majority of the time, and you can make his curls beautiful and talk to him a lot about how much you like his hair and how he is half-Egyptian and that is so wonderful. When he is older, you can talk to him about how his grandparents felt like they had to hide their beautiful curls, but he doesn’t need to do that, etc etc.

I can understand how this is frustrating, especially with the message it sends him. Have you explained how much you love his hair to her? Maybe if you even take the ‘pictures don’t look like him’ route, she may calm down with it a little.

Please vaccinate your son. I shouldn’t have to worry about my son’s health because of your choice.

Your son has a great name! Good luck with your mother in law.

Wow! Thanks so much for all the unnecessary, and unasked for feedback about vaccinating!

I actually feel just as strongly about everyone else’s decision to poison their children, but oddly, you don’t see me shouting my beliefs from the mountain tops, and I certainly don’t hijack a completely unrelated post to interject my thoughts on the matter. Everyone chooses to parent differently.

To the person who is worried that [name_f]MY[/name_f] son will infect YOUR child - your logic doesn’t make sense; if vaccines are so great and mighty, your vaccinated child will be totally fine against all terrible diseases, that APPARENTLY my child will spread, even though he has never been infected or in contact with anyone with the disease (eye roll).

(Psst, most outbreaks and infected children/adults are vaccinated! Oops! Guess your logic isn’t so sound)