I was just curious (I’m not pregnant or anything) because I have always though I would give my first daughter my mums name as a middle name but I said this at dinner a few days ago and my dad was very offended that I would not do the same for him if I had a son.
Firstly, I don’t really like his name much and secondly I’ve always had a much better connection with my mum. Is it rude of me not wanting to name a son after him?
I just think that there are so many relatives that you like and don’t like.
Have any of your relatives ever been offended with your name choices?
Your dad is totally overreacting. He just has to realize that picking names isn’t always about honoring people and that taste and personal preference goes into it, too. You never know whether your future partner will have names from their family that they want to use, too.
Not me, but my sister got a lot of crap from my family because she picked an extremely Italian name and my family is not at all Italian. It was also a name she had never liked before meeting her husband. My family was insulted because the first and last names were pure Italian and did not reflect our heritage. She chose my dad’s middle for the boy’s middle - James - but since it was the middle and very popular, it sounded kind of like a consolation prize. For a while, I agreed with my family. First, I hated the name and I mean HATED. I don’t even like the nicknames. I also saw other situations in the family in which her husband’s preference overruled hers so there’s was more to it than just the name. I wonder if this is relevant in your case - perhaps your dad is sensitive because, as you mention, you are closer to your mom. If you told him you just liked her name better perhaps that would help him get over it. Second, over time I realized that nothing I said could change what she chose and that every time I brought it up it was hurtful to her and that wasn’t fair to her. I got over it and now it’s just my nephew’s name. I hate it, but I love him, so who cares. I love names and namestyling, but let’s be real - there are more important things in life.
Last thing - I’ve found that discussing names for your children with family is a treacherous path to tread. Not just the issues with family honoring that gets everyone up in arms, but everyone has opinions and tastes and they typically do not overlap. I have told my family too, too many names that I loved - Gabriel, Oliver, nothing out of the ordinary here - just to have them say something nasty about them such that I no longer wanted to use them. I stick to Nameberry where people will be able to point out if Anna Lee sounds like anally, but they accept that others have different name tastes and try to accommodate that.
That isn’t rude at all. It would be your child, and imo it’s your choice who to name (or not name) your child after. When I consider naming kids, I only include family names of those that have had a positive impact on me. I couldn’t imagine being a child and finding out one of my names came about because a family member guilt tripped my parents into the name.
Edit: I have to agree with the others. If you are considering having kids with a significant other, their opinions would have to count as well and you can just mention that you’ve focused more on the names for a daughter.
I think it is really selfish for relatives to think you should us their name to name your child. If you like the name and the connection it has to a person, that is awesome if you want to use it. But it shouldn’t be expected. And a lot of times, women have strong connections to their mothers and would want to use their name or something to honor them. Not saying you don’t feel a connection with your father, but it might be more important to your husband, because it is his son, to use a name from his side of the family if that is really your thing.
Is your dad still mad? Have you been able to talk to him about it?
I have thought about this being a problem- my husband has four parents and I have two. His mom and dad divorced when he was very small and they are still angry and bitter all of these many years later. So it would be hard to name a kid after say, his dad, and not have his mom be hurt about that. We thought about using his brother’s name as a middle, but I have a brother as well and we didn’t want to pick one and not the other. Then he has three sisters and I have one and would they all expect children named after them as well? Argh! So far, we have skipped them all and given our only child a middle name after my husband’s paternal grandfather. This hasn’t upset anybody that we know of, maybe partly b.c we didn’t tell anyone other than the grandfather in question that [name_m]Lev[/name_m] is named after him.
Ugh - seriously, never ever discuss names with your family (or friends!) before the baby is actually named, and you have signed the birth certificate. Honestly.
With our son, we decided to honour two of his great-grandfathers - and wouldn’t you know it, when we announced the name to his parents, my father-in-law was mad. Why? Because he thought his father’s name (Sanad) sounded ridiculous, and made our sons name too long and too much of a mouthful. Yeah, it’s long, but I’ve never once called him by his full name, so we weren’t all that worried about it. So even if you [name_f]DO[/name_f] go and try and honour someone, you can still end up making people mad (and not the ones you think WOULD be mad about it).
We’re expecting our second boy, but if we end up having a girl for our third (and hopefully last), we had always planned to give her the middle name [name_f]Caroleena[/name_f] - the name that my husband’s mom always wanted for her daughter, but she ended up having all sons. Have we told her this? No. Because we might change our minds, and who knows, maybe she’ll be mad about that too!
Bottom line - name your children what YOU want to, and not out of obligation or guilt.
[name_m]Amen[/name_m], sister. That’s a smart move right there. I would never have had the foresight to do that, I’d be too excited to tell her. FWIW, I adore [name_f]Caroleena[/name_f]. That’s one of our top choices. (well, [name_f]Carolina[/name_f] prn like the state but close enough!)
[name_f]My[/name_f] (step)dad kept suggesting [name_m]David[/name_m], his name, for our son. I ignored him. Our son, our choice. [name_f]My[/name_f] family do feel their in second place to my husband’s I think which is unfortunate but don’t see what I can do about it.
I personally think it is a bit selfish of them- An honorary name is an honour, a priviledge, not a right. It also depends on the sound of the name, etc. For example, I love the name Petra, and coincidentally, in would honour one of my grandfathers, but I love it as a name. However, I would not name my child Thomasina to honour the other one, though I love both of my grandparents dearly (another one of my favourite names, Kitty, would honour my biological grandfather, but I do not know him, so I ignore that honorary status).
My parents had this problem too, when naming my sister and I. They picked names they loved: Sophie and Eden Ruby. Sophie was a problem, because it didn’t honour anyone (yes, really). Everyone was arguing that it was a stupid name, because it had no meaning to the family etc. My parents loved it (one of the only names they both loved and agreed on), so they ignored them. Eden Ruby was a problem, because it only honoured one side of the family (my great grandmother, Edith Flora, and my other great grandmother, Ruby). However, the honorary was a coincidence, because Eden was picked for a diving sight my dad loves, for the meaning, the sound and the biblical place- and my parents just fell in love with the name. The same instance with Ruby.
Everyone was saying that we should have been named after them, not even the great grandmothers (who were sadly both deceased at the time). Yes, honestly- but in the end my parents just tuned them out and picked the names they loved. The honorary in my sisters name was partly coincidental (she would have been named that anyway), and partly to remember and honour a wonderful relative. Everyone forgot the fact that it was an honour, not a right. The fact they were angry over something like that (not everyone, but there were a few relatives) just proved that they shouldn’t be name sakes.
Well, my parents have never expected to have any grandchildren named after them. But my sister, with her first two children, named them sort of after my brother-in-law’s family. And my parents were understandably upset about it. [name_f]My[/name_f] bro-in-law’s family is much less nice, much less accepting, much less…family-ish in general towards my sister. And so it hurt my parents that she’d name two kids after them. They never said anything about it, because they knew it wasn’t something she’d done with intent to hurt them. But I think their hurt was understandable.
It’s 100% your choice and no one should make you feel bad for it. But I can sort of understand where he might be coming from.
One possible solution - which you can take or leave, no big deal - you could use a name that is somehow related to your father. I adore the middle name [name_f]Lark[/name_f] for a girl because my dad loves birds and music and a [name_f]Lark[/name_f] is a songbird. So there’s always the option to honor him or his memory with a name without having to use a name you dislike.
We decided deliberately not to name any of our children after relatives, we were planning on more than one and didn’t want one to “carry the name” and not others. So all our kids names both first and middle are names we liked. It didn’t go down particularly well, but at least we won’t have one child wondering why they were “left out” or another child thinking they were different because they had the names when the others didn’t. Very glad we went that path now as we have had 4 boys… (+ 1 girl)