[name_f]My[/name_f] monster-in-law finally got to see my girls and it went as badly as I thought it would. I hoped she would come in, see them, and her heart would just melt and she would be less of a witch than she already is. Things were ok when she first arrived, but it slowly descended into chaos when she began to pick at every little thing I was doing. She was basically telling me I didn’t know how to take care of my children. At the beginning I kind of let it slide being a new mom I’m open to advice, but then I realized it was more criticism than advice. Once she started in on asking why we bypassed naming our girls after anyone in her family (for this very reason) my fiancé politely told her she had overstayed her welcome. I ended up in tears after she left and I’m to a point where I don’t want her coming around for a very long time. I just dislike her so much and my fiancé shares in my dislike most days. I just need to know I’m not alone. Anyone else have as hard a time dealing with your in-laws?
Awe I’m sorry you’re going through that! That is so hard. [name_f]My[/name_f] in-laws can be very hard to get along with as well, especially my MIL. So I understand your frustration. [name_m]Just[/name_m] the other day she got into a fight with my hubby cuz we had our baby girl in second hand clothes (very nice clothes that my friend gave me, no rips, no stains). the horror! Because “ When we were in Mexico we only put you in new clothes”. I think part of it is cultural differences. They’ll argue with my DH about just silly stuff like that and judge how we parent. I know they are coming from a place of love and they just think their way is the right and only way. What I’ve noticed helps is when my DH is very firm with them and just reminds them that we are the parents and they are the grandparents and it is not up for discussion. That we’ll raise them the way we think is best. I think it’s best to set strict boundaries from the start. And if they can’t respect them then take a break until they can.
[name_f]Hope[/name_f] it gets better for you and congratulations on your girls!
My MIL used to be a lot worse than she is now, as my hubby has gotten older she has gotten better. There are have been times where I’ve had to tell him he needs to speak to her or her & his dad about respecting our boundaries and he has. [name_f]My[/name_f] suggestion is for you to do the same, and for both of you to talk to her about what she did and why you won’t be accepting that behavior from her in the future. I’d just suggest something along the lines of:
Mom (or first name, Mrs. Whatever), I’m sure you love visiting and to see your granddaughters. We’d all love for it to be a pleasant and enjoyable time for everybody to spend together. You were very critical of many things last time and it left us upset. If we want opinions, we are more than capable of asking and would love for you to share with us at that time. Otherwise, we expect you to be respectful of our decisions and that we are (daughter #1’s name) and (daughter #2’s name) parents. If you feel you can’t do that during our time together, we won’t continue to have these visits.
I’m so very sorry for what you are going through. I feel that if the relationship with her isn’t healthy, that she should be out of your lives, or at least have very very little contact. It is not fair to subject yourselves to that kind of treatment & isn’t fair to your children either. You deserve kind support. They deserve a loving grandparent. If she cant do that, then she loses out on the privilege of knowing them. You have to do what is best for your marriage and children.
Thank you guys so much for the replies and sorry I didn’t respond sooner, but as you can imagine I have my hands full. Sadly things have not improved. The day after I posted this she overstayed her welcome and to my surprise my fiancé was done with it. They got into a rather large fight, which resulted in her storming out and saying she was never coming back. [name_u]Haven[/name_u]’t heard from her since. Fingers crossed she was being serious. [name_m]Just[/name_m] kidding. Still she has made no attempt at contacting us so who knows how long this is going to go on for. I’m just done with the whole situation and to me this is just another ploy at getting something to hang over our heads later. At least it’s been peaceful for the most part.
Congrats! Ugh that’s really annoying. [name_f]My[/name_f] partners mother and grandmother did the same when they first came around (I think baby was 2 weeks old), baby was just done, and grumpy and crying. They walked in and non stop telling us everything that could possibly be wrong. I think it took about an hour before partner and me lost it. Advice is OK, but I thought this was an unwritten rule people just respected?.. You already took care of them for 9 months, you’ll be fine without all the “advice”.
My former in-laws (husband and I divorced) were pretty bad as well. [name_f]My[/name_f] FIL was alrighty, never very affectionate but friendly enough. [name_f]My[/name_f] former MIL was a nightmare at times. She’s Ugandese, and thought that we were ashamed of her heritage, because we didn’t emphasize it enough in the upbringing we gave our child. She stayed angry for years, for example, because we gave our son an Icelandic name (my heritage) instead of an African one. Whenever she came around she’d point out everything she thought we were doing wrong. Fortunately my ex-husband stood up to her. I learned to deal with it over the years and began to understand where she was coming from, all the uncertainty behind her remarks etc. So I just learned to ignore it and let it go most of the time, but if she went to far I just told her in a calm voice I didn’t appreciate it. She’d get angry and leave but call later for some silly reason and be very friendly, so I knew she was trying to make up for it. She never actually apologized though.
After the divorce I expected thing to get much worse between us, I thought she’d be fighting over how much she’d want to see her grandchild etc., but she was and still is surprisingly grown up about it.
My new SO’s parents are absolute darlings, it’s s such a huge difference.
My in-laws no longer speak to 3 of their adult children (my husband included) for a variety of completely made up reasons… They’ve only met my daughter a few times, and they’ve never met my son. Unless something drastically changes I doubt they’ll meet baby #3 either… I still hold a lot of anger about it, because it’s incredibly difficult to know that my husband and his sisters did absolutely nothing wrong and their mother manufactured all of these scenarios and her husband just does whatever she says. But it does make holidays a lot easier! And my husband still speaks to the kids who do have contact with the parents, as well as the other two “exiled” daughters. We have holiday get togethers with them and it’s very relaxed and nice to still have that family connection without the drama of the in-laws. I don’t think my kids really even realize that my husband has parents. They’ve mentioned things a time or two, when they see pictures or something, but most of the time it’s not even on their radar. It drives my mom crazy, because she is SO close to my kids, and she’ll look at my them and say “His parents don’t know what they’re missing…” [name_f]My[/name_f] husband is very close with my parents as well and says he gets all the parenting he needs from them. I’m thankful for that stability and support, for sure.