So my oldest started kindergarten this fall and I am finding it completely insane to pack all of us up in the van to drop him at school only to turn around a few hours later to go back and get him. And so far we end up being late about three out of five days which is ridiculous and stressful. Next year will only get worse with having one in K and one in grade one that will be three trips back and forth daily. So with all of that we have been thinking about getting an au pair to help out. I am nervous about this as I have never wanted any help, especially live in help. So far the vast majority of babysitting has been done either by my mom or my [name_f]MIL[/name_f] but it is unreasonable to ask them to help out five days a week so I think we have reached a point where we need more than just family help. So does anyone have any experience having an au pair? Or being one for that matter? What was it like? Was it weird having someone live with your family? What type of hours did she work? Did you have to make accommodations for her going to English lessons? What country did she come from? Could she speak English well? Was she comfortable with children already or did she have to learn? Is there a maximum number of children they are allowed to care for? Or ages of children they were allowed to work with? Any information/insight/experience would be much appreciated! And we are in [name_f]Canada[/name_f] so if anyone has any Canadian specific experience that would be a bonus. [name_f]TIA[/name_f]!
Live-in help with six kids sounds completely reasonable. But would you need someone to live-in just to get the kids to school? Maybe I missed something in your post and you are wanting more help than just the transportation?
In my area, many parents hire someone just to shuttle the kids to and from school and to after school activities, etc. Maybe there is even a parent in your child’s class who would be willing to do this for some extra cash?
Thanks for the reply. No, I think it more than just transportation but that is a big one. My son qualifies for busing but we chose to send him to a bilingual program not the school we are zoned for so it would end up being about a 40min bus ride for him which I am uncomfortable with. I think I am also just overprotective and don’t like the idea of him on the bus with all the big kids. I’m not sure if there are any parents who would be interested in driving him because of the nature of the school it serves the entire south of the city which is quite a big area.
I also think it is getting hard for my mom to watch all the kids when I have an appointment or need to run to the store or something. She was ok when it was just the boys but since I had the twins and now [name_f]Mari[/name_f] I think she finds it too chaotic and it is only going to increase if this pregnancy goes well and we have a sixth. I am only one of two for a reason. My [name_f]MIL[/name_f] had a larger family and so she isn’t overwhelmed but with that she also has many more grandchildren to help out with so she isn’t available as often as my mom is. I think before he started school we never really had many things we ‘had’ to do. I would book their ped appointments late in the morning so I had lots of time to get everyone ready, fed etc. Same with any outing we wanted to do and I knew we could cancel if we had to. But now with school we just don’t have the flexibility so an extra pair of hands to help get everyone ready and out the door would be useful. So I could either just get my son ready and drive him and she could stay with the others or the reverse.
I am a control freak though and so I think that is what will be hard for me, to let someone else do things I am used to doing a certain way. And I also love our family dynamic the way it is and I am worried about how adding another adult into the house would affect that.
[name_m]Ah[/name_m], that makes sense then. Again, live in help with five soon to be six kids sounds totally reasonable to me. I hear you about the family dynamic, though. If you don’t want someone to actually live at your house, this does all sound like something a nanny who lives elsewhere could do.
She could come over early enough to help get the kids ready for school and take them, and she could come back and stick around during the day a few times a week (or every day even) so that you can get out to the store and for appointments and so forth. I watch a little boy in addition to watching my own son. In doing this, I have met a lot of nannies at the park or at play groups and it seems like there is really a wide range of arrangements. Some of them are more like kiddie chauffeurs handling mostly drop off and pick up and sometimes a little after school care, others are full time, some work just a few days a week.
I don’t want to discourage you from hiring a live in au pair, cause goodness knows I would need one with six kids! But it sounds like you are understandably feeling uncertain about moving another adult into your house, and there are lots of solutions in between no outside childcare and a live in nanny. I’m sorry I can’t be more help with your actual question!
It sounds to me like a nanny may be a less stressful option than an au pair. Having another adult in the house is understandably a big thing to consider. A good option may be to check out: https://ca.care.com/. The website is used pretty widely in the US but I’m not sure how big it is in [name_f]Canada[/name_f]. The nice part about it is that the nannies have background checks, which can include a search on if the person has any speeding tickets, etc (which is important if you’re going to have them driving your kiddos around). I’m a university student, but I have my classes in the morning. In the afternoons, I pick up a little guy and hang out with him/take him to [name_f]Nana[/name_f]'s/take him to the park/whatever. I love it. I was contacted for that through care.com. Of course, an au pair may work better for your family, but having a nanny seems like another potential option.
I was an au pair for a year when I first came to Iceland, I found it a good way into the country so to speak, and I am still friends with the family. I was not their first au pair, though, so they were brilliant and very used to the whole process. They had 4 kids when I arrived and 1 was born a few months after I got there. I was mostly looking after the youngest two (minus the baby) and the baby occasionally. I would pick them up from school/playschool, take them to sports practices, help them with their homework, make them breakfast in the mornings, babysit the baby and feed him once he was onto solids, sometimes make dinner… that sort of thing. I also did various housework. It was really a ‘means to an end’ for me, I have no great passion for looking after other people’s kids, but I had a great time and built a really strong relationship with the whole family - as I say, we still see each other. It was easy for me to go to Icelandic classes at times when I wasn’t needed at home. I would say I was ‘on duty’ for around 2-3 hours in the morning and 2-3 hours in the afternoon / early evening, so it wasn’t a full-time job by any means. But I’m sure there are all sorts of arrangements out there.
When I applied to do it I had to state what ages I was comfortable looking after, how many kids I would be comfortable being responsible for etc. I spoke fair Icelandic when I got there but improved a great deal during my time with the family.
If you decide to get one, you should do it through an agency and not try to sort one out independently, because then you will get someone who has been through background checks and so forth, and they will probably provide you with a template contract, which is completely necessary.
Also, if you are not willing to welcome someone into your family as just that, a temporary member of your family, do not do it, find some other solution. You will both be miserable. It might be hard for you to have someone else living in your house, but it is much harder to be the person in a new country, not knowing anyone and living in someone else’s house and they don’t even want to spend any time with you or talk to you other than to tell you what to do! I think it can be a really great experience for both parties, and your kids (and you also) can certainly get a lot out of being with someone from another culture. You say your son is in a bilingual programme, you could definitely try to find an au pair who is a native speaker of your minority language, which would be enormously valuable. But it won’t work if you treat them like a servant. Yes, you are their employer, but it’s not the same as other employer-employee relationships. I’d say it was a bit weird living in someone else’s house, yes, but they were really great at making me feel welcome and also respecting my privacy, they really got it spot on.
If you decide to go for it you should:
Make sure the au-pair will have her/his own room (this is actually not a should, this is an absolute must)
Make sure the au-pair will have basically predictable and regular hours - for example, I was always free in the evenings and on weekends, apart from on occasions if the parents wanted me to babysit at other times. It is OK to ask for extra work outside of whatever regular times you agree on, but you need to give notice and come back when you say you will because after a while the au pair will make friends and want to be going out to see them.
I had a friend was who also an au pair and her family did not at all respect her free time, and she was very unhappy because of this. These parents coincidentally also made no attempt to be friends with her and did treat her like a live-in servant. She ended up going home early she was so miserable.
[name_m]Hi[/name_m] ajh, I am Canadian and have had four Au Pairs over the past few years in two different provinces (we’re military). Preschool drop offs and daycare would probably rank as my number one most stressful thing. I simply could never cope with waking my kids up and making them commute. I know lots of people do it but for my personality I knew it would be a disaster and never considered another option. It has been great. I’ll answer your specific questions.
Was it weird having someone live with your family?
Not for us. My husband always had a nanny and Im well suited to having people in the house but it is a huge issue for a lot of people. We know a number of Au Pairs who have had terrible situations with their host families and Im convinced it is because most Canadians cannot cope with having another quasi-adult in their house. We specifically buy houses with private space on another floor or separate wing so the AP can disappear and not have us in her hair. They always have their own mostly private bathroom.
What type of hours did she work?
Our APs work a heavy week, about 44 hours. I work full time and they are up when we go out the door at 0730 and work until 1630. That said, we never ask them babysit or work when we are home. Your situation would probably be different. There is lots of flexibility to make arrangements that suit your family. Lots of Au Pairs are really mother`s helpers like you need.
Did you have to make accommodations for her going to English lessons? We signed one AP up for local conversation classes but the rest had English that was excellent.
What country did she come from? We had three Germans and one American. All of them had excellent English although we speak [name_m]German[/name_m] and want to practice so we speak a lot in [name_m]German[/name_m] with them.
Was she comfortable with children already or did she have to learn? All of them were very good, pretty quickly with the kids.
Is there a maximum number of children they are allowed to care for?
No, it`s all based on agreement.
Any information/insight/experience would be much appreciated!
You can do this informally or formally, weve done it both ways. Our current AP has a lovely friend ([name_m]German[/name_m] girl, good English) who works for a horrid woman in Edmonton rigth now who has told her she wants her to leave by [name_u]December[/name_u] 19. She has a full visa and is allowed to looked after kids. (The paperwork to do everything above board with the Gov is very straightforward but you can also do it under the table - if I am totally honest - and that works too). She is looking for a new job and I would be very glad to recommend her, she is prepared to travel. If you liked her, you could invite her to come for a trial. She was vetted by the agency we use and they did an orientation with her etc. She just works for a shrew who I think wanted the status of a nanny but cant cope with having someone in the house. [name_m]Feel[/name_m] free to follow up with me or PM me. It is daunting but honestly one of the best things we have ever done and I won`t even do another mat leave with out someone to help me.
Ladies thank you so much for your replies and insights!
@taryn&@lightsea - I think it is true a live out nanny could probably do many of the same things. That is why we are just trying to explore our options and see what we think could work for us. I think the concerns I have with a live out nanny are 1) reliability for example if I hire a student their schedule may change the next semester and then we would have to find someone else or if it is someone older they may have their own families and have their own scheduling conflicts and whatnot. 2) If I find someone had been doing nanny work for a living she may also be somewhat more set in her ways as to how she cares for kids and as I mentioned before I am a control freak so I am thinking someone in their late teens early 20s wouldn’t have as much experience and would adapt more easily to how I do things. 3) It is my understanding that having live in care is actually more cost effective than live out care. But I very much appreciate your experiences and we still may end up going with live out care.
@jackal - thank you so much for sharing your experience! I think that is my biggest concern with having an au pair is how to balance her comfort in our home while still being comfortable ourselves. I definitely would not want her to feel lonely or isolated but my worry I guess is I also don’t want to feel like I have to ‘entertain’ her either. Both my husband and myself are quiet, introverted types and at the end of the day when we finally get the house quiet we both really need that silence to rejuvenate. Honestly our favorite thing to do is go to bed early and each read our own book (I know we are boring!). So I would just want to make sure that she would be fine to find her own thing to do in the evenings and not need our company during that time. During the day though it might actually be nice to have another adult to talk to!
@kkrvf - Yay! Your knowledge was exactly what I was hoping to get by posting this, thank you! We are lucky we moved not too long ago and our basement is actually a set up where it could be a separate apartment which other than for some storage we don’t use at all so she would definitely have her own space. We are not naturally outgoing people though so I am fearful we would fall into that category of not being able cope well with their presence. A few more questions if you don’t mind?
[name_m]How[/name_m] does it work at the end of the day when you come home? Does she eat dinner with your family? In the evenings does she spend time with you or do her own thing? With meals how does it work on the days she has off, does she just come up and cook for herself or do you make meals for her? The friends she has did she already know them before she came to stay with you or has she made them while she was here? Are there programs for them to socialize with other au pairs from the agency to do they just sort of naturally go out and find a social life on their own? [name_f]Do[/name_f] they bring friends/boyfriends home or what rules have you had about that that has worked? In terms of her hours I didn’t know they were allowed to work that many, the websites I have seen say it is 25-30 per week. So in terms of a visa did she come under the live-in caregiver program or is there a different one for au pairs? I think within the Commonwealth there is that one year work visa for anyone under 25 but we were thinking someone from Europe maybe instead so for the girls from Germany what visa did they have to come on? Also if it isn’t too personal can I ask about the cost? The websites recommended a salary of $200 a week in [name_f]Canada[/name_f] is this accurate or outdated? That is why I was thinking an au pair vs. live in caregiver b/c to my understanding that was more than double the salary and I don’t think we need that level of care but maybe the salary difference between the two isn’t as different than I thought? And finally can I ask what agency you used and how long each au pair has stayed with you?
Sorry for all the questions! Anything you aren’t comfortable to answer please don’t feel obligated to. And thank you for the potential referral. I don’t think we are ready to make any decisions yet and certainly don’t plan to do anything until we get through the holidays but I appreciate the thought and will keep it in mind should we start to feel desperate!
I don’t know if you’re interested in my experience but… I used to always eat dinner with my host family unless I specifically made other plans to go out with someone else. I would never cook myself something else in their kitchen. If they went out to eat as a family, I was always invited. Likewise if they were going on another sort of family trip, swimming at the weekend or to visit family or something, I was always invited. Sometimes I went, sometimes I didn’t, the point was they didn’t say OK we are all going out now, see you later.
In the evenings, well at first I didn’t know anyone but I made friends pretty quickly. I don’t really remember how exactly - I met one other au pair through the agency and she knew a few people who knew a few other people and so on and so forth, until I had built up a fair social network. If I stayed in I wouldn’t need ‘entertaining’, I would watch TV with them occasionally, or I would read or be on my laptop in my room. Often I had plans with friends and I went out. It’s not like I was sitting there asking them so now what are we doing? But if I went to sit with them in the living room I wasn’t made unwelcome. If I wanted to have a friend over in the afternoon or something this was no problem. If I wanted to let someone stay the night (not boyfriend incidentally, friends who lived outside of the city) or have visitors to stay a few days (my brother), I asked, and it was always OK.
I honestly don’t remember much about the legal/financial side but it is probably different in [name_f]Canada[/name_f] anyway.
[name_f]Glad[/name_f] to be of help! No problems at all answering:
[name_m]How[/name_m] does it work at the end of the day when you come home? Does she eat dinner with your family? In the evenings does she spend time with you or do her own thing? With meals how does it work on the days she has off, does she just come up and cook for herself or do you make meals for her?
We have a rule that when we are not working, neither are they but this would maybe be different for you. When we get home, all of them usually disappeared for some personal time to their rooms. But they also sometime hang around and chat or set the table while I get dinner on. It’s very casual. They eat with us 99% of the time but on the weekend or if we are out running around, they’ll heat up left overs or make a sandwich etc. The odd time, they might cook something but it has been quite rare, although as long as it didn’t interfer with our schedule, I wouldn’t mind at all. We always invite them with us if we go out but this isn’t necessarily normal. It’s just the arrangement you have with them.
The friends she has did she already know them before she came to stay with you or has she made them while she was here? Are there programs for them to socialize with other au pairs from the agency to do they just sort of naturally go out and find a social life on their own?
None of them had any friends before arriving but there are FB pages for Au Pairs and if they come through an agency they will have a built in network if you live in a reasonably large city. One of them also made friends just through the local pub.
[name_f]Do[/name_f] they bring friends/boyfriends home or what rules have you had about that that has worked?
We encourage them to bring friends over and have a robust social life, none have had any interest in boys so it has never really come up but I’m pretty liberal so I’d be flexible about it. It is not at all uncommon to have a rule that no boys are allowed, though. Again, it all depends on what you decide your arrangement to be.
In terms of her hours I didn’t know they were allowed to work that many, the websites I have seen say it is 25-30 per week. So in terms of a visa did she come under the live-in caregiver program or is there a different one for au pairs? I think within the Commonwealth there is that one year work visa for anyone under 25 but we were thinking someone from Europe maybe instead so for the girls from Germany what visa did they have to come on?
So the only real way to get a European is through the work/travel visa program. I did the paperwork myself after the first two girls arrived and after they had cleared customs and immigration in as “guests” or tourists. Our new AP went through an agency who did all the work for them to set up the visa etc. In theory, they can do “live-in caregiver” but it would never make any sense for a European and is really designed to fast track the permanent residency of women who want to immigrate so it’s not really the best way for an AP. They can certainly work as many hours as they or you want. In this regard, they are like a normal employee.
Also if it isn’t too personal can I ask about the cost? The websites recommended a salary of $200 a week in [name_f]Canada[/name_f] is this accurate or outdated? That is why I was thinking an au pair vs. live in caregiver b/c to my understanding that was more than double the salary and I don’t think we need that level of care but maybe the salary difference between the two isn’t as different than I thought? And finally can I ask what agency you used and how long each au pair has stayed with you?
So, the cost can be all over the place. We did a “grey arrangement” with our first three, they were not initially here with visas, they cleared customs as tourists and we paid cash every week. I supplied a new smart phone that we paid for, some gas in car and other misc things. Our first was paid $180 per week, our second $200 and our third $150. The third travelled with us extensively and we spent an additional $5K in nine months on travel, so she was very pleased. (for comparison, our first worked in [name_m]Halifax[/name_m] for an RCMP family before us and was paid $125 a week to watch two boys)
We’ve done everything totally above board this time and this time while it costs us a lot more up front (although we will get a large tax refund), the AP receives hardly any more. Basically, we pay her minimum wage for [name_f]Alberta[/name_f] for 40 hours a week and time and a half for anything over that. We deduct $96 per week for room and board. I still provide the phone and we treat her to dinners out etc. It costs about $1600 per month out of pocket for us and for two kids we’ll get back about $5600 in taxes, although with six kids, you’ll get way more and the amount of 7K per kids was just raised by the government to 8K so that will increase the amount, too, although you’ll probably be maxed out, anyway. We paid and agency fee of $1500. If you go through an agency and do everything above board, you’ll have to do decuctions etc (it is easy, my husband set it up no problem) and then you have to pay minimum wage. But like I said, the AP gets practially no difference in what she takes home for us. But we do have her work a lot of hours. The
salary is the same if you do LICG or AP and you do it above board. I would highly recommend contacting our agency,
http://www.internationalnannies.com/au-pair---what-we-offer.php
Simply call and ask to speak to [name_f]Stefanie[/name_f], she will send you some excellent guides and help you figure out what you need.
Good luck, if you have more questions down the road, I’m happy to help. I’ll pm you my email, that way I’ll be sure to get it!
I had an au-pair/live in nanny growing up and I loved it, I can’t ever remeber not having her, some of my best memories from my childhood involve [name_f]Charlotte[/name_f] (my au-pair). I will give you my “account” as a child and then give you my opinion as an adult and a mother.
Like I said I can’t ever remeber [name_f]Charlotte[/name_f] not being in my life, she had been there for 4 or 5 years previously (she started when my older brother [name_m]Matt[/name_m] was 3 I believe) and she stayed with us until I was shipped off to boarding school aged 12. I loved having an adult around who was always willing to play with me and I always knew she would be there to pick me up from nursery and school. I’ve been told since by mum that [name_f]Charlotte[/name_f] was a life saver and that she can’t ever imagine not having an au-pair. I think that of you find the right au-pair it can be an amazing addition to your family and it can have a really positive impact on your children. My au-pair was a qualified nursery nurse and went to evening classes to study Chidlcare practise of something along those lines. She stayed in contact with us and I still receive birthday cards and [name_u]Christmas[/name_u] cards from her. I really wanted to hire her to look after my children but she is working for another family but I have told her that if she ever leaves that family that I would more than happy to have her come and work for me which I think speaks volumes for what I think not only of her but of au-pairs/nannies.
From a mother’s point of view, I still think nannies/au-pair/childminders are great additions to a family’s life whether that be a live out or live in situation. We currently have a living out nanny who comes by for 20 to 30 hours a week depending and I think it’s a life saver! I mostly have her there to look after [name_m]Renzo[/name_m] whilst I’m at work and to transport the girls to nursery. I think considering you have five (soon to be six) children having a form of help outside of family will be really beneficial!
I’m quickly going to skim through some of the questions you asked and I’ll answer them for my au-pair as a child and then the lady I have now for my kids:
[name_f]Charlotte[/name_f]:
[name_f]Charlotte[/name_f] was half English and half [name_m]French[/name_m] and that is what my parents really liked about her, her English was perfect. Like I said I didn’t find it at all weird as a child, I thought it was abnormal that people didn’t have au-pairs, sounds awfully pretentious I know bit it’s the truth. [name_f]Charlotte[/name_f] lived full time with us and she had her own little apartment/mini house at the end of our garden. She had breakfast, lunch and supper with us and she was essentially part of the family. She came on holiday’s with us and she was really just so amazing! She started working for us when she was nineteen (ish) so that would have meant she was 36 (ish) when she stopped working for us, I think she would be classed more as a nanny than an au-pair if I’m being honest.
The lady we have now is in her late twenties, she’s British grew up in the area we live in and she has some qualifications for childcare and the likes. She’s only been working for us for a few months but so far it’s been great.
I hope this answered some questions for you (sorry if any of it seems sporadic or something, it’s almost 3 am where I live and I have a poorly 1 year old who is keeping me up and a baby in my stomach who seems to think my womb is punching bag of some sort and so I’m extremely sleep deprived :))
Thanks so much again everyone! I am sorry I haven’t gotten back to post sooner the kids and I have all been sick so I haven’t had the energy until now.
@jackal - yes I am definitely interested in your perspective. Thank you for sharing it! It is nice to know what it felt like to be an au pair because I would definitely want to make sure that she had a good experience with us.
@kkrvf - again thank you for all of those specifics! And thanks for your email that is so kind of you and much appreciated! I’ll probably have more questions later that I’ll send you but one more I had that I will ask here if it is ok (I was lurking for a long time hoping someone else would post a thread like this so somebody else out there might be happy to get the answer too) is for the girls you had the ‘grey’ arrangements with how did you get healthcare coverage for them? [name_f]Do[/name_f] they just come on travel insurance or once they get the working visa are they allowed provincial healthcare? And how long does that process take?
@emmiebianco - thank you for sharing that! I guess it shows how it might be uncomfortable at first but how a nanny/au pair just becomes part of your family.
So I have been pondering this for the last week or so, if we did get an au pair given our personality types would it be better for us to get a girl who is outgoing and would probably easily and quickly create a social life or one who is more introverted like we are and probably more comfortable with alone time? I can’t for the life of me figure out which would be a better fit. So I was wondering if any of you had any insights or opinions on what which work better?
I am really grateful for everyone taking the time to share their experiences, this thread has been really helpful to us!