Baby Blues

I am seventeen years old, and I long for a baby. I’ve felt this way for a few years, but now it seems more real. My boyfriend and I have been together for over three years, and we talk very seriously about our life together. He got lucky finding a great job right out of high school last year, so he is pretty financially stable. He wants to start looking for his first house sometime next year (he is almost nineteen). Meanwhile, I have five whole years of college to get through. I want to try the whole dorm thing just to say that he didn’t hold me back and regret anything, but I am staying local (within an hour). The more I realize how great he is to me, the more I want a baby. In theory, I really want a college degree, a marriage certificate, and to own our own house before we have a baby, but it’s just so far away. I spend a lot of time working with kids, and sometimes creating a bond with them makes things better, but other times it just makes it more painful. I should be excited picking a college, meeting new friends, etc. but it just isn’t as exciting as planning a wedding or picking a baby name. I want to be able to enjoy what I have now, but I think about the future more. He wants me to get an education more than anything, because he knows that’s important to me, but I want to start a family. I know I am capable of it, which makes it even harder. I don’t know how I can get though school before living with him and starting the life I want. I had a dream last night about having a little girl named [name]Anastasia[/name]. It’s been a hard day. I don’t really know what I’m asking, but I needed to vent. If anyone knows how to deal with this, please tell me. Thank you.

Hey - I remember when I was 16 I was ready to run away, get married and have kids. I’m now 28 and really glad I didn’t.
While yes, I too am singing the baby blues I definitely know that I want to wait till I finish my graduate degree. I’m not saying that waiting till 28 is right for you and I know that baby blues can be almost equal parts frustrating and depressing so here’s my advice (for what it’s worth)…

Instead of thinking about 5 years how about 2? Finish HS and do one year at college in a dorm. Then if the two of you think it’s right you can always discuss starting a family and having children while your at college. 2 years might seem more manageable.

Working with kids you know not only how much joy they bring but also how much time they need and how much money they cost. It sounds like that you current live at home with your parents and potentially are getting an allowance. I don’t know if you work but even with your boyfriend having a good job and buying a house… you should consider if his income will be able to cover his expenses, yours, a childs and the mortgage. ([name]Don[/name]'t forget to calculate your cell phone, the internet bill, cable television, car insurance, ect). [name]How[/name] would your prospects change if you had a college degree or if you went to work straight out of high school? Also what would happen if your child had special needs? I know this doesn’t “cure” the baby blues but it might help put things in perspective.

And if you ever want to chat in a more one on one fashion feel free to PM me.

First, the baby thing comes and goes in waves for a lot of girls, I’ve wanted a baby since forever. I was not in a serious relationship like you obviously are at seventeen, I think I had a dozen different boyfriends through my teens, but I think it is way too young. Especially if you want an education. University/college is the time when you truly get to explore who you are and find yourself, and you don’t want to miss out on that. I know women who have had kids quite young, and are happy with that, but it seems like your boyfriend wants to wait, if you’re a smart girl you should get your education. Marriage and house you can do later, but getting a degree with a kid sounds much more difficult than doing it without one. Seriously, you’re in no rush, try to enjoy your life on your own before you welcome a screaming, pooping baby into it.

I’m really happy I’m having my first baby at 30, I had no idea who I was at seventeen. Anyway, good luck! I hope you choose college!!

I’d wait until you have at least one degree under your belt before having a child, that way you won’t have any regrets and will have something to fall back on education and job wise. You have plenty of time to still have children even if you end up waiting 10 or so years to do such.

It’s much easier to get a degree then have a baby instead of doing it the other way around. Completing your education first will increase your earning potential, which will make it easier to start a family. Plus, college was the time that I really learned who I am and was free to explore things I was interested in before I took on the responsibilities of adult life. Think about it this way: do you want to just have a baby or do you want to provide the best life you can for a child? While an education and a marriage certificate aren’t required to raise a healthy, happy child, why start out at a disadvantage if you don’t have to? It will make you a more mature, stable parent if you’ve experienced living on your own, managing your own expenses, and taking care of yourself for awhile before bringing the huge responsibility of a child into the picture. Also, give yourselves time to get used to living together and time to enjoy being together as a married couple first, since having a baby can be a huge stress on a marriage, particularly one that hasn’t even gotten off the ground yet. I totally understand wanting a baby–I’ve been waiting a long long time for this–but I’m so grateful I have my degree and had my college experiences. You’re 17 and 5 years might sound like a very long time, but it’s not like you’re going to run out of eggs between now and then. You will thank yourself and your child will thank you if you have him/her after you’re established in your career and marriage.

I think instead of looking so many years ahead just take it year by year. This doesn’t seem to be the right year to start a family so wait & reevaluate next year. Make sure yo use protection & not make any future decisions in the heat of the moment.

My best friend became a mom at 20 and I waited till nearly 30 & really there is no one right way. We both own homes & are financially stable. I have a degree & she doesn’t, but she has a trade. I married before starting a family, she did after. In the end what does it matter?

I feel fortunate that I got to travel a lot before having my daughter as my best friend did miss out on that. But of course in a few years she & her husbsnd will be much more able to travel than me & mine!

Really financial independence is what it’s about. And family support outside of your partner.

thanks to everyone, that’s really great advice. I do feel better. I would never want to be a “teen mom”, especially not by choice, and I suppose I already know all the things you said in my head, but there’s that part of me that just thinks about it too much. My boyfriend is the biggest supporter of me going to college anyways, so he wouldn’t want to ruin my future by having a baby, but I still have days like these where I wish me, him, and babies would come sooner.

[name]Read[/name] the teen mom thread on this board. Watch the MTV show. You’ll get an excellent appreciation of the boredom, stress, daily grind and absolutely enormous responsibility that comes from raising a child on limited means and with limited support.

Having a high school diploma with no further qualifications (be they educational, vocational or professional) is an economic death sentence in the modern, global economy. Seriously-- a death sentence. The days when people could reasonably expect to have secure incomes and a moderate standard of living from factory, clerical or retail work are absolutely over. I’m not sure what your boyfriend does, but whatever it is, ask yourself what would happen if he lost this job? [name]How[/name] easily could he find something that is equally remunerative and secure?

From a cynical perspective, the entire purpose of higher qualifications (be they an electrician’s certificate or an MD) is to draw a fence around an area of work and say ‘keep out! Only we’re allowed here!’ With only a high school diploma, there is literally nothing you can draw that fence around nowadays. You are expendable. You are replaceable. Your job could be automated or outsourced. You have nothing to fall back on to get a leg up on in a competitive applications process. This will only get WORSE as the economy becomes more sophisticated.

[name]Imagine[/name] trying to provide a middle-class standard of life for a child in the face of extreme job and income insecurity. [name]How[/name] will you get health insurance, save away for the inevitable rainy day, help your own child get the qualifications he’ll need to compete in the global economy? It’s an extraordinary stress, and it’s the reality faced by millions of people.

Additionally, it’s an extremely risky strategy to pin all your economic prospects on your boyfriend. If the two of you part ways at any point in the future, you’re left in pretty dire economic straits without qualifications of your own. It might be morbid but I take great comfort in the fact that, should anything happen to my husband or marriage, I would be able to take care of [name]Antoine[/name] independently. Uneducated stay-at-home-mothers are extremely vulnerable should anything-- even a period of partern’s unemployment-- befall them.

You simply cannot afford not to go to university.

Thanks for the advice, but I don’t think I worded it correctly. Getting my degree is definitely my priority, and I’m not actually considering dropping out of school to have a baby. Besides, this is all in my own head and my boyfriend would never ever ever go for it. I know my education is more important to him than his own. [name]Just[/name] looking for advice on how to deal with the thoughts of it. I think of myself as fairly practical, so the teen mom thing wouldn’t actually work for me. And I want a wedding before a baby. I want to do it all the traditional way. I guess what I was trying to say is just that I wish that could come sooner? [name]Just[/name] venting I suppose. But thank you for the long post! I really liked how you worded that last part about going to college.

Life will pass you by in the blink of an eye. Focus on all the other things you love and want and before you know it, it’ll be a few years down the road and you’ll be asking yourself where the time went, ready to take on the next challenge more mature and ready than ever.

Okay. I will prepare you.

My name is [name]Ivy[/name] Croft. I had sex once with the boy I thought was “the one”. I’m not just saying this. We were engaged. We had sex once and I ended up pregnant. We had talked about our lives for a long time, talked about how many kids we would have (4). I told him about the baby and he dropped me like a hot potato. So, there I am, this heartbroken 15 year old with a baby in my belly. Not what I thought was going to happen…Luckily I managed to move in with a friend in a small apartment, she was pregnant as well. Oh yes, why wasn’t I at home? My mother kicked me out and I was expelled from private school. In our apartment, my friend [name]Morgan[/name] and I were pregnant and scared. Neither of us had ever been pregnant before, and we no longer communicated with our mothers. We were also in a lot of pain. Pregnancy is basically my definition of pure pain. Your back is sore, your head hurts, your feet are sore, you have to go to the bathroom, you cramp up all the time, you get sharp pains in your stomach. Not to mention that you don’t sleep. Babies don’t magically stop kicking you at 11PM. No, they usually start kicking you then. Then, of course, you actually have to GIVE BIRTH. So, you think, your boyfriend can see your vagina. But, have you ever had a doctor and like four nurses all staring at it like an art exhibit? It’s very weird. And then they check your dilation (ugh), stick a foot long needle in your back (epidural) and then you get to writhe and moan in pain on this hospital bed for 11 hours. or twice that. And, if you don’t have the baby in 24 hours they take you and cut through your flesh until they reach your uterus and pull the baby out. I had a vaginal childbirth. It was the most painful thing I’ve ever felt. It all ended up in my beautiful daughter though, [name]Eva[/name] [name]Victoria[/name] [name]Anne[/name]. She had to stay in the NICU for 5 days. I lived on welfare in an apartment with another 16 year old and two newborns. Now we’re off welfare. Eight months ago, I finally got my ex-boyfriend to come meet his daughter. I mean, he’s already paying her child support, so I think he should at least meet her. He did. He loved her. She loved him. And…we had sex. For the second time ever. And magically I got pregnant again. No, he’s not back in the picture. He’s got his own pregnant fiancé now. It’s just disgusting to think that my daughters’ half-sister or brother is growing in some other girl. So, now I am 32 weeks pregnant with another baby girl. You might say I’m crazy for doing it again. And I am. Because it’s the most physically and emotionally grueling thing. [name]Ever[/name]. Yes, it results in a beautiful baby that loves you, but life is so much easier when you have a working husband and nice house and a college degree and you’re at least 25.

[name]Do[/name]. Not. Get. Pregnant. Until. He. Marries. You. and. You. Finish. High. School. and. College.