Baby Fever Blues

Parentberries
1

Hey everyone,

I just wanted some general ideas, advice, and feedback about my situation. Perhaps this is a more common situation than I realize and you have some good ideas about how to cope.

I’m turning 30 in a few weeks and I’m cannot describe how deeply sad I am that I am in no position right now to think about having a baby, despite desperately wanting one. Becoming a mom has been incredibly important to me even from a young age. I’ve been with “G” for 3 years now, and although I love him dearly, we have an expiration date that we’ve known about since day 1. ([name_m]Long[/name_m] story short, I will have to move for work soon and he is unable to follow.) Also, he is divorced and has his own kids, and is unwilling to marry or have children again. So even if I didn’t have to move, this would likely be a dealbreaker. Anyway, where I come from, it’s not at all unusual to have kids at 18-22, and the women in my own family were very young. So even though I know it’s possible to have kids later, there’s part of me that’s reluctant to have kids when I’m nearing 40. My grandma had my mom when she was nearly 40 (a caboose in a larger Catholic family) and my mom gives me the impression that this was difficult for both of them. Also, I have had “lady” health issues in the past, and I’m worried about waiting too long and finding it difficult to conceive or carry to term. I had a miscarriage at 21, so of course that’s on my mind too.

In the past, I tried to be patient. I worked as a nanny for a while, and was always babysitting somebody’s baby. I’ve gone with the opposite approach lately, enjoying things that I would be unable to if I were pregnant or a mom of a young child. (“G” and I will try different cocktails, we travel, etc.)…trying to “soak up” some of the things that my parent-friends say they miss. I have a couple of dogs that I spoil.

But, I feel like I’m not making any progress in my wait. I used to feel sad when I saw babies when I was out and about, and now I can’t even look at them anymore. I quit taking the pill because I felt so depressed to have a daily reminder that I had to actively avoid the one thing I really wanted. (We use other contraceptives now.) I’ve seen a counsellor a few times just to make sure everything is fine otherwise, and I feel like it is. It’s just this darn baby fever that is making me miserable and I don’t know what to do about it anymore. “G” doesn’t understand at all so I stopped talking to him about it.

Anyway, thanks for listening, and please let me know if you’ve had to cope with this too.

Apologies if this isn’t quite the right forum for this but I wasn’t sure where else it should go.

ETA: I thought I’d add too that I have already done all the things I wanted to do “pre-baby.” I finished grad school, I traveled the world, I practiced new languages, etc. I don’t say this to sound pretentious at all; it’s just that these are the types of things people usually suggest and part of what adds to my sadness is that I feel it in my bones that the time is right. It’s just my personal circumstances that are not and it’s so tough!

2

Well firstly if there is clearly an expiration date with G then you need to call it off sooner rather than later. It’ll be a lot better emotionally for everyone.

Secondly maybe nows the time to start saving up for and thinking about adoption. It’s a process that will likely take a year at least so you have time to save and grief for your relationship. [name_m]Plenty[/name_m] of women have adopted on their own and you sound like you would be a great mother.

Hopefully having a plan in place would make you feel better.

3

I agree, if you really want to have a baby you need to be moving proactively towards that goal. End things with G, sign up to a reputable online dating site that leads to serious relationships with someone who also wants children. 30 is not too old at all. [name_m]Say[/name_m] you meet someone, form a strong and stable relationship and then fall pregnant. This could happen in the next couple of years for you. I guess moving to a new place could be a good time to set this in motion. Good luck! This is definitely something you can do rather than just have blues about!

4

Three years ago I was on the same boat as you. I had always wanted to be a mother and my boyfriend of almost five years did not. We had many conversations on the matter, some fights and even went to couple’s counseling, but to no avail. It was my dream but wasn’t his. We both decided to go our separate ways together and despite everything have been able to maintain a healthy friendship. I think that if your mind is set and his is too than it’s probably time you go separate ways.

I am now due with my second little one in [name_u]August[/name_u], but it’s my first pregnancy, conceived through anonymous sperm donor and I adopted my son in [name_u]March[/name_u] of last year. I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy in my life! Obviously being a mom is lots of work and can be very stressful and exhausting, but it’s so very worth it.

Your dream is not impossible and this change of city can be very good for you! Best of luck!

5

I feel you sorrow and know how hard it is to want to be a mother and to feel ready in your bones but to not be in a place where that could happen.

I agree with the previous posters that you need to be true to yourself and your wishes. It sounds like you’ve been doing great with pursuing other interests and goals and it is time to prioritize becoming a mother even if it means putting an end a little early to this relationship. My situation is a little different but I’m also just shy of 30 and trying for the first time and I cannot tell you the peacefulness I feel. There is such joy in pursuing your most authentic wish.

I am currently in the midst of great change, our savings aren’t as high as I would like, I haven’t achieved the career success I had hoped for by this point, we might be moving to a different country soon, and will definitely have to be out of our current apartment by this summer at the earliest. Things might not be set up in the most ideal way but I am in a good place with my physical and mental health and can afford to this. Are you at that point too? I am not sure reading about my situation is helpful, but I see a common thread, which is that at one point I had to decide that this wish was too important to me to be put off any longer and I had to work towards changing my life just enough to make it possible. Not perfect, but possible. Same as you, I know that some women can get pregnant later in their 30s and sometimes think waiting shouldn’t be a big deal, but I don’t want to gamble on what is my most cherished desire. Maybe it’s just baby fever, but I prefer to think of it as a calling that needs to be answered. (the only other consideration is that you also have to keep pursuing other aspects of your life that bring you joy/accomplishment simultaneously, it’s too much burden for your future child to be your only wish in this life, but seeing all that you have accomplished so far, I doubt this will be hard for you)

I echo the others in suggesting strongly that you should leave your relationship and either find a partner who is looking for the same thing you are or start exploring the journey of becoming a mother on your own.

best best wishes in this time of change, hope its brings about great opportunities.

6

Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful responses. @pinkplus, I have thought so much about both of these options. Would you mind if I pm you?

7

@kazooki

Your phrases, “There is such joy in pursuing your most authentic wish.” and " but I don’t want to gamble on what is my most cherished desire. Maybe it’s just baby fever, but I prefer to think of it as a calling that needs to be answered" ring so true for me. Thank you so much for sharing your own experience. It definitely helps and gives me a lot to think about.

9

When I turned 29, I was in a similar position position. Well-educated, well-travelled, multi-lingual…in a relationship with someone who didn’t want children, one that I had always known would have to end one day.

By 30, I was about to move in with a man who, when I mentioned I wanted children a mere month into our relationship, almost cried with happiness.

I could have waited a few more years, because I come from a family that always had children later, but he kept pestering, and at 34 I’m pregnant with my second.

This is just to say…things can change faster than you would believe, but you do have to lay the groundwork to enable them to change. As others have said, it’s likely time to end your relationship. Aaaaand, your 30s are amazing, and I personally think, an amazing time to be a mother (and I say that as someone without a lot of money, but with a whole lot of security and sense of self).

10

I don’t know if this helps, but your story sounds a lot like what my mom went through. Her first husband was unable to have kids (after numerous rounds of chemo) and unwilling to adopt. My mom ended up being divorced at 30. She wanted kids her entire life, and she always tells me she thought, at 30, she wasn’t going to be able to make that happen, particularly because she had PCOS.

But she did. She met my dad shortly later, they got married, and my mom had me when she was 34 and my sister when she was 36. And she’s been a supermom! 30 is not too late!

I like the previous suggestion of finding a good dating site (some of my best friends met through online dating) and finding a guy who is serious about starting a family. Those guys are out there! Best of luck!

11

I am almost 32 and around 28 I started feeling the same way. I felt like I did everything right and that it was the perfect time to start a family. Our situations differ a bit as I am married and we both want kids. Fast forward a few years and we’ve gone through all sorts of issues with infertility and multiple losses. We are finally pregnant again and we’ve almost made it to viability week.

ALL of this is to say that I too was extremely upset by all of this. Seeing babies made my heart hurt. I couldn’t even enjoy my friends and their little families, it made me so jealous. I became angry and bitter. I ended up seeing a counselor which wasn’t the greatest help.

What I’m trying to say is that it’s 100% ok to feel the way you do. You have to put yourself first, always. If you want to be a mother, then you do whatever it takes to make that happen. Whether it’s finding a new relationship, fostering, adopting, using a sperm donor, etc. [name_m]Even[/name_m] if all you do is research at this point, it will be working towards the ultimate goal of becoming a mother. Stay strong and do what’s best for you. Best of luck! <3

12

I’m 19 and for the last 3 years or so I’ve had varying degrees of baby fever (and baby fever blues as you say). Obviously for me I feel far too young to have a baby at present, but it’s the one thing I truly and deeply want from life, one day. [name_f]Every[/name_f] baby I see, whether it’s irl or in a picture, I long to have a little person of my own to love and cherish.
My plan is, even if I’m not in a relationship (which is quite likely as I’m not the most romantic person :stuck_out_tongue: ), I will start trying for a baby in or around 2025 - probably with donor sperm via IUI or IVF. As crazy as it sounds, I’m already putting money aside every week for it - which makes it feel more real and purposeful, and helps a little during the blue phases.

But enough about me. As the others have said, I would suggest breaking things off with G, it’s only holding you back from your dream of becoming a mother. Put yourself first, get out there and meet someone new (or go the adoption or donor route) and have that child you so want!