Being A Bridesmaid?

Parentberries
1

[name_m]Hi[/name_m] Berries,

I needed an opportunity to discuss my current predicament with some mum berries since this is my first time being a bridesmaid.

A high school friend of mine asked me to be in her wedding last year. At the time I was unemployed but I’m very much service-orientated so I was thrilled at the idea of being able to bond with her and help as much as possible. Her wedding has a $10,000 budget.

When we first began talking about bridesmaid’ attire, she said she wanted us to purchase dresses we would re-wear for other cocktail/formal functions, and shoes could be anything we already had.

She has since changed her mind and we’ve purchased dresses for the wedding. She was frustrated with me when I hadn’t purchased my dress straight away given my financial situation, so I was one of the last to purchase my dress.

When I spoke with her about our shoes a few days ago she said that given that her fiancée’s sister is super tall, she believes now that we all need matching shoes. The dresses are maxi dresses and the shoes can’t even be seen. She later went on to say that the cost of a hair and make up artist would be $190 per person and “not to worry” because she’d cover the travel cost and the hair costs. I then got messaged from her sister tonight about us putting money into the hens night.

I have seen this friend once this year. She returned from a holiday from [name_m]Hawaii[/name_m] in [name_u]January[/name_u] after being stranded there and I messaged to see if she was okay; since just before leaving she’d been victim to a violent attack and that had eaten into her travel money. She hadn’t spoken to me at all till 2 months ago I have offered to help with the wedding but I’m constantly told that everything is organised. Plus the cost continue to add up and I wouldn’t mind paying for things if it were communicated clearly or I felt like I was able to contribute to her big day, but I have just started a new job too, which she was aware of as well.

Am I being silly? I hope I don’t sound like I’m rude or ungrateful, I was just really looking forward to being part of it, but so far all I’ve done is pay for things.

2

Hey there, honey!

Firstly, I am sorry that you are going through this. Definitely not nice!

I totally understand the boat you are sitting in though. I was a bridesmaid for my cousin in 2015 - and your story sounds oh so similar. Firstly, it was cocktail dresses, then it was maxi dresses, then it was formal dresses. First it was “wear heels”, then it was “just wear what you have”, then it was “wear flats”, then it was “these are the specific shoes you needs to buy”… #eyeroll
She was super budget conscious, and ended up choosing $40 formal dresses online. They turned up and were awful! (apparently the bride adored them, but all 6 bridesmaids hated the style and colour!) They were poorly made, and we all had to have them adjusted. And get this, even though everyone bought the “same” dress… they were different shades, and had slightly different embroidery. So cheap and nasty!! Also, after another mind change courtesy of the bride, we went from basic make-up and hair to having it all done at a salon.
All up, I spent about $400 to be her bridesmaid, and not once did she ever ask us what we could afford, or if we were able to pay. All of us we studying at that point, and she knew it, so I thought it extra rude that she expected uni students to just have $$$ laying about to spend on her wedding. She never offered to help us pay for anything. And, probably what I hate the most, she never said thank you for the money we put in to make her day so “perfect” (which, if you ask me, it wasn’t - cheap and tacky pretending to be the height of elegance… but that’s my opinion, I guess :confused: )

So no. You are not being rude or ungrateful. It sounds like you’re doing the best you can to be a good friend. And, it sounds to me like your friend is the one being ungrateful, and just a little self-occupied.

In some ways there really is only two options: talk to her and tell her she is being more than a little difficult, or just deal with it. (I chose the second in my experience, as she was already being a bit of a bridzilla, and I couldn’t be bothered dealing with any more rubbish). [name_f]Do[/name_f] what you think is best for your relationship. And, yes, sometimes that might mean stepping back. Better to not be in the bridal party, than have your friendship fall apart of what colour your hair piece is…

I hope you find a solution to your frustrations :slight_smile: xx

3

This seems all too common unfortunately. Having been on both sides (bride and bridesmaid) I know how fast costs can add up. You’re not being unreasonable in AT LEAST wanting to know what things cost ahead of time. If it were me and I was required to pay $190 for hair/makeup, well I just wouldn’t do it. Common etiquette is if the bride requires hair/makeup to be a certain way then they should pay for it. If it’s something simple like “have an updo” you can probably figure that our yourself, or bridesmaids can do each others hair. I get that a brides plans can change, but at the very least she should have been understanding of your money situation, in the end you did buy the dress and she should be grateful.

The bottom line with being in someones wedding is, unfortunately, you spend alot of time and alot of hassle, and hopefully it’s fun in the end, but typically don’t have much to show for it. I’ve been a bridesmaid 3 times, have 2 dresses I will never wear again, and one I would have liked to wear again but the tailor (the brides tailor that she insisted I use), ruined it when he altered it, I had to get it re-altered by someone who actually knew what they were doing, and it was barely wearable, I looked like I had two different sized lumpy boobs in a low cut dress. One pair of shoes that were ruined by walking all around through poop for photos, literal poop. Was asked to contribute $300 to a shower I had zero say in, in addition to a bachelorette party out of town, at a casino which I declined to attend because I simply couldn’t afford it after everything else. At least I learned my lesson about hair after the first one, I always just insisted I would do it myself or me and one of the other BMs would do each others.

So, you’re not being unreasonable, but this just seems to be the way it goes much of the time, I’m sorry to hear that your experience isn’t a good one. The benefit of getting older is people seem to get more reasonable about these things.

4

You are definitely not being ungrateful or rude. I got married 9 years ago and my bridesmaids were expected to pay for their dress and shoes. I picked the dress, and for the shoes asked that they pick out a pair, I did want them to match as their dresses were knee length, but I made them choose the shoes as I didn’t really care much about what was on their feet.

I did not expect them to pay to get their hair or make up done. They did their own hair and make up. I preferred to ask my friends for physical help like setting up the reception room and things like that.

I think so many brides get caught up in their special day and forget that sometimes they need to take a step back and realize that people have budgets.

5

I don’t think you are being silly. I also have never been a bridesmaid so I can’t really give advice on that front. for my wedding I didn’t ask my bridesmaids to pay for anything besides the gas to get to the venue and to pay for their part of the bachelorette party (it was like $20, nothing unreasonable). I got the dresses, we did our own hair and makeup, and we even provided extra shoes in case they didn’t have anything that worked. I think its a little ridiculous to make plans for other people, that THEY have to pay for, without considering what they can afford.

6

The only time I was a “bridesmaid” was when my Godparents renewed their vows on the beach when I was in high school. So I don’t really have experience with that side of things.

When I got married 2 years ago, I wanted my best friend since first grade to be one of my bridesmaids. I knew she didn’t have a lot of money, so I let her wear a pretty red dress I already owned, and she could wear whatever shoes she wanted. My husband’s sister and his brother’s wife were my other 2 bridesmaids, and I told them they could get any dress they wanted as long as they were red. They went shopping together and got matching red gowns. Everyone did their hair and make up how they wanted. My brother was our best man, and my mom and I picked out a shirt and tie for him. His shirt was red and the tie was red and black. The other two men just had white shirts with red ties. Everyone matched fine, but they weren’t all wearing the same thing.

7

I think it’s just generally the worst.

When I got married, my bridesmaids bought gold pencil skirts from le chateau for like $60 or something, and I told them to all wear whatever off-white top they wanted, and white or black or brown shoes. The wedding was local, ceremony inside, reception at a little old heritage schoolhouse, the girls did each-others hair & makeup (except for one, who went on her own sonewhere and git it done) and a family member did mine for me. But I’m thrifty, and I am not super girly and it was not a dream of mine to have an over the top dream wedding or whatever.

But I was in a wedding recently where we wore matching dresses which were a few hundred bucks each (the mother of the bride bought them since the wedding was abroad and we all had to spend like $1000+ each for our flights & accommodations) and the bride had us all go pay to get manicures, and for professionals to do our hair & makeup for the wedding. I was her maid of honour so a lot of additional expenses fell to me planning her shower and stagette too. Never got a thank you, though… In the end it was super overkill, especially since she was moving to a developing country and her parents gave her $10,000 to spend on this thing, and she still spent like all her savings (and a fair chunk of mine) on that extravagant moviestar style wedding. I mean, she paid for a drone to film the thing. At least we got to choose our own shoes tho.

8

I think you’re being reasonable and she’s being inconsiderate. You’re doing your best.

A similar situation happened when one of my friends got married last year, a friend asked me and my best friend to be bridesmaids, I bowed out because I’d be overseas for the wedding, but I got all the details from my friend. She never calculated the full cost but it was really expensive, and she was and still is in uni, her financial situation is not the best. She had to buy shoes, two dresses (I don’t understand but she wanted her bridesmaids to match at the reception as well as the ceremony etc), her own makeup and hair, pay for the bachelorette party and accommodation. It was ridiculous. The dress and shoes are lovely, well made and well fitted but it’s just over the top.

9

I think your friends is being a bit of a bridezilla and needs to relax. I was a bridesmaid for my cousin and I paid only about $200 for the dress, hair, shoes, etc. I spent an extra $100 on the wedding gift, but that’s because I couldn’t make it to her bridal shower or bachlorette party as I lived in another state.

For my wedding I had my girls come and pick dresses with me, so they paid for those. I then set the rules of everyone in black heels, but didn’t say they had to wear the same shoe! And then side ponytails, they could choose to get it done professionally or do it themselves. So all I really asked them to spend was I think $200 for the dresses (but again they were with me and okayed the price). I have no idea what they spent on everything else as I left it up to them!