[name_m]Hi[/name_m] everyone,
I’m not expecting, nor will I be for a long time, but already, my mother is insistent on her name being used as the middle name for my first daughter.
Not a variant of her name, or something with the same meaning, or even a name that she loves, but her exact first name.
The problem is, I really don’t like her name, I don’t like the sound or the look, and it is completely mismatched with the rest of my list.
I wish I could use a variant of her name or even one with a similar meaning to honor her instead, but she is completely insistent on her exact, true first name, otherwise it’s not a proper honor (in her opinion).
On top of that, I don’t want to give my future baby her name as the middle. In my view, middle names are the backup for if the child hates their first. And having her name as the middle leaves the kid with no options. Additionally, it has a horrible flow with my favorites - the only names I like that I can see it working with are [name_f]Stella[/name_f], [name_f]Juliet[/name_f], [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f], [name_f]Clara[/name_f], and maybe [name_f]Alice[/name_f]. The rest, it feels horrible with.
I have her mother’s name as my middle, and while it’s nice to have a greater connection with her, as someone who doesn’t like my first name and has no good nicknames to go by, I feel very much out of options.
What do you think?
When the time comes, should I use her name as the middle? [name_u]Or[/name_u] use a variant? [name_u]Or[/name_u] not use it at all?
Advice greatly appreciated.
Thank you all!
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Not the exact same situation, but I broke a five-generation naming tradition when I didn’t give my daughter the middle name [name_u]Marie[/name_u]. Too common, not my style. I was upfront that I was not going to use the name and while I upset a few people, in the end it was my baby and they knew that. It didn’t ruin my relationship with them or my daughter’s relationship with them – in the end it’s just a name. The same applies to you. Don’t feel bullied into something you don’t like.
Another option would be to use two middles, one you like and your mom’s name, but I don’t think that it’s necessary. It’s your choice in the end.
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Honestly, your baby so it’s your choice. If your mom can’t respect that then that is her personal issue.
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I wouldn’t use it - not her baby, not her choice 
Hopefully, she’d get over it once a baby was actually here because that would be more important than the name Alternatively, using a variant might actually work (so long as you like it) and might feel more palatable/meaningful to her when baby is here.
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So I come from a culture where honouring (following traditions) is paramount when it comes to bestowing a name onto a child. I had additional pressure as my daughter is the first grandchild. I had to follow (Ashkenazi) Jewish naming customs of honouring a loved one by using the first and last letter of their name. I was happy to do this but I still have pangs of name envy as I missed out on using my beloved [name_f]Rose[/name_f] in order to follow tradition. When it came to middle names I knew that I was going to use my grandma’s name and have to use a name that pays tribute to my partner’s family therefore the whole naming process was overtaken by expectations.
If I was to have my time again I wouldn’t allow cultural pressure/expectations to overtake and I would follow my own desires. Of course I love my child’s name ultimately [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] [name_f]Ella[/name_f] is beautiful and I love the connection to our families. However I would strongly advise anyone else to not allow anything else to overtake your own desires when it comes to naming. Ultimately naming a child is a privilege use the name you love stand your ground and do not allow anyone else’s input to overtake the process. Loved ones become very opinionated when it comes to naming but it’s not their decision it’s yours so choose the name you love!
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I think it’s good you’re considering this now and not with pregnancy hormones and anxieties besetting your judgment! There’s some chance she’s only saying this because you’re younger as well as not pregnant - she might deny ever saying it, mothers can do that. Either way, I think it’ll be easier to manage this when you’re older and when you’re pregnant (subject to what I said about about not thinking of /addressing this issue for first time when pregnant!). If you want to honour your mum somehow (and her insistence on this is making her less of a sure-thing ;)), could you do so via her middle name, birth stone, a name related to her personal features/ virtues etc?
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It’s not her child, so it’s not her choice.
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If culturally this is very important to you and your future family then I would probably use it. If not the just choose what you want and let her know your intentions when its relevant.
If you ultimately decide not to use your mother’s name in your future child’s name, I think think the best way to approach it with your mother would be to say that you found a different name that you/your partner really love and it isn’t her name but is really meaningful to you. [name_u]Or[/name_u] else, tell her you (and your partner if applicable) have a few names to choose from and ask for (and take) her advice on which to use. I think both of these would give your mother something to focus on that isn’t only “I’m not using your name”, and in the second scenario she still gets to feel involved (which I totally agree with others above that she has no right to, this being not her baby, but I have plenty of difficult family relationships myself and would want to smooth things over when possible).
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[name_m]Frankly[/name_m] - your baby, your choice. She can get lost. I cannot imagine letting anyone but my other half have a say in my baby’s name! It’s none of their business.
When the time comes, I suspect you’ll find that she would rather stay friendly with you and know her grandchild than insisting on sticking her oar in and causing arguments 
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You’re far from having children, and there is no need to pin down exactly what you’d use immediately! And even besides… you don’t have to use any name you don’t want to. Yes, even if it’s your mother’s name and mother’s wish. Your baby won’t be her baby!
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It would be your baby, your choice! I know this is way easier said than done, though. [name_m]Even[/name_m] with all the comments saying this, I understand your being upset by this situation.
[name_f]My[/name_f] cousin went through a very similar situation with her father, who reminded her of her promise to name her son [name_u]Michael[/name_u]. Her baby’s actually due in a couple weeks, and her and her husband have decided to name him [name_m]Idir[/name_m] [name_m]Malachi[/name_m], to honour him with a soundalike middle name they actually like. It wasn’t what he was pushing for, but ultimately he appreciated the effort they’re taking to honour him.
Hopefully once the time comes, your mother will be more accepting of the fact that it’s your choice. If not, another option other than variants of her name or other indirect honours could be to use more than one middle? This is definitely not ideal considering you don’t really like her name, but maybe if it really becomes that big of a deal (It’s smart of you to consider all of this now rather than while dealing with pregnancy stress as well, by the way!). I hope this helps, and good luck!
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In my opinion you have to think, my baby, my choice. [name_f]My[/name_f] mum wants me to do the same thing but her name goes with nothing, I said I wasn’t going to use it cause it doesn’t fit with the names I like. Don’t name your child off what your mother wants because she doesn’t have to live with it but the child does and that is going to impact her life. You may not like writing the name on the certificate but living with it is even worse🫶🏻
Any name you give your child should be out of love, not out of force. It isn’t a nice thought to have to explain to your potential daughter that you “chose” her name because Grandma said so.
Any child you have is yours- and your potential partner’s, if applicable- to name. I know what it is like to be in this situation and it isn’t easy. Still, you will be the parent. Not your mother. Not your mother-in-law. You get to make the decisions surrounding your child.
[name_f]My[/name_f] thoughts exactly!
And her name is not a viable alternative to use instead of her first name if she doesn’t like it. I know what its like to feel trapped with no other options, so I would never want to put my future child through that. I am considering doing two middle names, but at this point, I seriously don’t know.
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Okay what you have to do is look at her and say,
By the way for this demonstration I am using the name [name_u]Stacy[/name_u], I don’t know your mothers real name.
Thank you for your input, and maybe we can find a similar name but with the name I have picked out the name [name_f]Ellena[/name_f] and I don’t think [name_f]Ellena[/name_f] [name_u]Stacy[/name_u] really flows as nicely as I would like. But [name_f]Ellena[/name_f] [name_f]Anastasia[/name_f] flows the way I want and it has the same meaning as [name_u]Stacy[/name_u] so it is still honouring you.
Ig she says no just say, it’s that or nothing, if you choose no then her name will be [name_f]Ellena[/name_f] [name_f]Aurora[/name_f].
By the way all these names are random off the top of my head though [name_u]Stacy[/name_u] and [name_f]Anastasia[/name_f] both mean resurrection.
[name_f]Hope[/name_f] this helps. 🫶🏻
Maybe using two middle names could be a consideration? That way you could still get your backup name in there. But ultimately if you really don’t like the name or it doesn’t blend, you shouldn’t use it, and your mum will just have to get over it in the same way that she’s going to have to get over not being able to control other aspects of your parenting and your child’s life. In some ways setting up the boundaries that you won’t be walked over early on, with something like a name, can quickly dispell any expectation your mum might have developed about how much of your child’s life she will dictate, saving a lot of issues later on