I’m new to the forum, joined because of my love for names and hoping to start my family soon!
Here’s the deal: I’m 25 yrs old and have been with my SO for almost 3years. We’re getting married in [name]May[/name] (so soon!) and of course once you get engaged the topic of babies came up.
I am completely 100% ready to start our family. I’ve always seen myself as a younger mother and I feel this is the right time in my life to start trying! My SO wants kids, but doesn’t feel like we are financially set (which I get…) but when speaking to others about this we keep getting conflicting advice. Ie. if you wait til you’re financially ready, you may be waiting forever… My boss at work advised us not to wait too log because he and his gf did and now in their mid thirties they are having trouble conceiving their first and doubt they will be able to have more than one child.
I’m not sure what to think.
I want it now but I don’t want to do it without my partner being on board with it.
What do you guys think? Were you in a similar situation? When did you and your SO finally land on the same page when it came to starting your family?
My mother always tells me and my siblings “If you wait and try to save up money you’ll never have children.” To be honest I do agree with her on this in certain ways. I think if both people in the relationship are in stable jobs and are bringing in a healthy income each week/month, you will manage. You have 9 months to prepare for the baby, even if you buy a few things each months, time the baby will come you will have quite a lot of things.
It also comes down to if you’re both emotionally ready for a baby in your lives, I think if you are both ready then you should just go for it. But it’s not fair for one of you to pressure each other in to having a baby, because it’s such a big thing.
Another thing to think of is do you have family that could help you out etc. I fortunately (When I do have children) have parents who could help me out by buying my children a few things now and then (wipes, diapers, clothes…) it may not be all the time but it would certainly be a big help.
I hope this helped you in some way, and good luck for whenever you do decide to have a baby.
[name]Welcome[/name] and congrats on your upcoming wedding! I think it’s very true that nothing will ever be 100% perfect timing, but you do need to both be on the same page. You don’t want your SO to not be able to enjoy your pregnancy and be as happy as he could and should be about a first baby because he’s worrying and crunching numbers.
DH and I got married quite young and will have been married for 4 years when we have our first this summer. I found out I was pregnant a month before turning 27. For us, we had been talking about it for a couple years, but had just bought a home and were mid-renovations, DH had only just started a new job and wanted to be a little more settled financially (or recovered financially from house is more accurate!). I would have been thrilled to start a little earlier, but am happy with how timing worked out, I don’t think DH would have been “ready” a couple short years ago. Sure he would have gotten on board and made it work, but I think there would have been more anxiety on his end and I would have felt like I was pushing him.
I’m also a big fan of having that time to just be a couple after you get married if you can. Maybe that’s not the same amount of time for everyone, but maybe even a year would give DH some time and you’d still be a “young mom.” I don’t know if any of that really helps answer your questions, it’s so different for everyone, but that’s my story.
I am in a similar situation to you. Except I’m a bit older, finishing my masters and my SO and I aren’t engaged because he has fully accepted the fact that as soon as we are getting married we are having kids. (He’s very traditional and having kids outside of wedlock is not an option for him).
We sat down and talked about a time line. Like giving him a 3 years heads up. It works for us. He’s considerably less freaked out about being a father now then he was a year ago. Also consider that most people find the 1st year of marriage one of the hardest - no need to add crazy pregnancy hormones to that mix. It also allows for you to save up some money to make him feel more comfortable with your financial situation.
I was an unplanned baby and when I was born my mom asked a psychologist if she should use my father for paternity or not. The psychologist said that it’s better to have an absent father than one who isn’t willing or ready to be one yet. This kind of stuck with me. I however do think the two of you can lay out a 2-5 year plan when it comes to procreation allowing both you to not feel like it’s going to be stretched out forever and for him to feel like he has some control and isn’t pressured into it as well. I’d suggest taking him a long to a visit to your OBGYN after you have a check up so a professional can help you figure out what makes sense for you as an individual.
@lineska thanks for responding! Congrats on the pregnancy! It’s nice to see how other people have dealt with family planning! Especially considering everyone I know who has gotten married has also gotten pregnant within months of the wedding!
@lexiem I like the idea of agreeing on a set amount of years so that we can both be on the same page and save up! And it’s true, having an unwanted pregnancy is hard on the child and I would never purposely do that to my child or SO! Thanks for responding!
I’ll share my bit. I want to be a young parent. I’ve seen old parents and their children and young parents and theirs. I want to be able to do things with my kids, go sledding, take fun vacations, etc. With needing a knee replacement around my 30th birthday I’d like to have some time to do these before hand plus I see tending to a newborn and recovering from surgery as not fun.
SO loves kids, he’s the oldest of seven and has plenty of experience and whatnot. I mention kids to him all the time. So we sat down and tried to figure out a timeline. He says that if I give him 6-7 years (we’d be 23-24) he’ll try to be ready by then. He wants to have money to give his children things he couldn’t have and do things his family cannot. So in about 5 years I’ll bring it up again so he still has a year to mentally prepare himself. And if in 6 tears he says he’s not ready, I’ll wait. The last thing you want is an unwilling parent. My father didn’t want to have children until he was older but I was born shortly after his 26th birthday. While he loves me he does say he wishes he’d been older when I was born. The same with my brother. He didn’t think he could provide a stable environment for us, physically or emotionally. But he tried.
We had planned to wait 5 or so years but we ended up with our precious honeymoon baby. It was challenging to have a baby so soon after we married and to be a mom at 23 (oh man, I had such a rough pregnancy, it definitely was an interesting start to marriage :s), when I’d planned to be in my late twenties at the very earliest BUT, we treasure our little boy and are so grateful that things turned out this way, although it wasn’t our plan. When we found out we were expecting, I was in shock and very overwhelmed. My sweetie husband was so wonderful about everything and made me feel like we could do this parenting thing, that we were a great team. -that was priceless. No matter what, you want to feel like you are on the same side. If that means waiting a year or 2 to give you both peace of mind about taking this next step, I think it is absolutely worth it. Pregnancy and parenthood are both cherished parts of life but they can be so, so hard. I do think it is most important to be mentally on board and to be communicating well and very supportive of each other before you try to have a baby. As far as finances, you have to decide what you are comfortable with. Before I got pregnant, I’d always planned to own a house and have a sizable savings set aside for my kids before I had any children. Since things did not happen in that order, we have made some new goals and adjusted and I am proud of where we’ve ended up. Unplanned/early in marriage pregnancies and babies can work out wonderfully for sure but everything will change and that can be a bit traumatic to a couple if they don’t feel ready. I’ll say though, now that we are out of survival mode (aka moving to a new city 14 hours from family and I am with a newborn while my husband works and attends grad school full time), life is pretty heavenly. The 3 of us have the silliest/sweetest adventures and my fellas mean the world to me <3. Good luck to you!! Congrats on your marriage this summer and I wish you the best!
I’m getting married in [name]July[/name] (yay for getting married, congratulations!). My fiancé and I have talked extensively about having children. Like you, I want to have children relatively quickly after getting married. Unlike the situation you mentioned, my fiancé also doesn’t want to wait too long. The only advice I can give you is that if he isn’t on board, then you should wait a while. You don’t want to be adjusting to married life and disagreeing about when to have children.
I’m in a similar boat to you in that I’ve been ready for nearly a year now and my husband isn’t yet. Before getting married, we discussed waiting 1-2 two years; I started to feel ready about 6 months into our marriage, he’d prefer to wait until we’ve been married 2 years (next fall). It’s frustrating! However, I’m convinced that the worst thing would be to try to push and pressure him into agreeing to have a family. I’d rather we both be fully on board before we start trying, as TTC can put a lot of pressure on the relationship.
The only advice I have from my perspective is to try to use the time before your SO is ready to get you guys as ready as you can be to start a family. Maybe that means saving a little extra money for a cushion, or maybe taking a big trip that you’d be afraid to take with a baby. For me, I’ve been taking time to research what babies actually need (so that when I do get pregnant I won’t be moved in a hormone-induced haze to buy the most expensive and unnecessary things!) and we’re making an effort to work on our relationship, especially our communication skills, so we’ll be as strong as can be if/when we do eventually get pregnant.
It also might help to figure out what your SO means by “financially set”, so that you will a) know whether this is a realistic goal or not [i.e., if it means a 5-bedroom house in the suburbs and two new cars, it’s unrealistic; if it means having a few months’ expenses saved for emergencies or to pay off credit card debt, that’s realistic and responsible]; b) be able to identify it when you get there and you can maybe make a plan of action.
[name]Hope[/name] this helps. I totally feel your pain. Congrats on your upcoming wedding!
Your husband has to be on board. He may be using the finances as an excuse rather than have to admit he just doesn’t feel ready to be a father and that’s alright. As to myself I am on the sooner rather than later team. Life will never be “just right” to have a child. The potential for fertility issues is very real as I unfortunately know firsthand and age is a factor in your fertility. But the most important thing is that both husband and wife are ready to add to the family.
Congrats on your upcoming wedding!