I don’t know if this is the right place to ask, but I think most of you berries are older than me and I think that’s what I need right now. I’ve been asking my friends for advice, and they came up with things like “text him” and “just move out, don’t say anything”. I’m obviously not doing that…
What is the best way to break up with someone in your opinion? I guess I’m a little afraid of how he’s going to react, and how things will change for our daughter. And not to mention how his family will react. I moved in with them when I found out I was pregnant with [name_u]Parker[/name_u], and they’ve been great and really supportive. I don’t want to loose them, but I’ve finally realized that life will suck even more if I stay together with [name_u]Jem[/name_u]. So, any advice? [name_m]How[/name_m] do I bring this up? I don’t want to hurt his feelings either =/
I’ve been through 10 breakups, and most of them were about the same. All very simple. [name_m]Just[/name_m] a sit-down, honest conversation. You can start with a simplified, sensitive version of the truth: you think you’d be better parents if you weren’t together romantically. He may or may not push for an explanation, but only offer “reasons” if he asks for them. No sense in hurting him if it’s unnecessary. You never know, he may be feeling the same thing.
I haven’t been through too many break-ups, but I’ve seen friends go through a few nasty ones. You are wise not to listen to your friends’ advice. I think it’s kind of like pulling off a band-aid. You just have to sit down and say it. Plan out what you will say, but remember that even if you word everything perfectly, it’s still going to be hard for both of you. He may get angry or cry, and that’s normal.
Since there is a child involved, assure him and his family that you will not keep them from seeing the baby. After some time has passed, you may want to sit down and set some boundaries for what is and isn’t appropriate in terms of impromptu visits, contacts, etc., especially with his family members.
Thanks for the advice so far. The thing is, we’re expecting #2 and I obviously want him to be a part of the baby’s life, and I want both kids to see their father and that side of the family. He kind of knows the reasons behind this, but…well, let’s just say that he has some problems and it might get nasty when I tell him about the break up. I’m not sure if I want to sit down with him because of this, but I don’t know any other way to do it except having someone else with me but that seems kind of silly
[name_m]Hi[/name_m] again. When I said “boundaries”, I didn’t mean to imply the family wouldn’t see the children, but rather that if you may not want him or his parents dropping by unannounced or calling all the time. If Dad and grandma can barge in any time, it can confuse the kids about whether you’re actually together or not, and also cut into your own privacy. I’m from a blended family, and things can get awkward. We have great relationships with both our parents’ families, but when we were growing up we had very clearly marked “dad’s time” and “mom’s time”.
When you say “get nasty”, do you mean you don’t feel safe. (You don’t need to answer this; I’m just trying to clarify my response.) If you don’t feel safe, would it be possible to talk to him somewhere that’s “public”, in that people are around if it gets crazy, but private enough that you’re not right next to other people. I’m thinking a public park or square.
If you’re afraid for your safety, you need to do it somewhere public. If by it turning nasty you mean that it will escalate into an upsetting verbal fight, you can always choose to leave and tell him you’ll continue the discussion when he’s calm
Nah I’m not afraid for my safety, but thanks for the concern though.
Is it stupid to have our daughter with me? She will be 1 later this month.
I’m thinking that it might be easier to talk, and calm things down a bit. But I don’t want her to be in the middle of a fight or something like that, but I doubt it would happen if I brought her with me
I just wanted to say that if you don’t feel safe sitting down with him one-on-one to discuss this (safe in any way: physically, emotionally, et c.) then you should absolutely not feel silly about bringing someone with you. [name_m]Even[/name_m] if they stay in the next room, just so that there is someone with you who could get you both out of a potentially bad situation. Especially since you’re pregnant, you have yourself and baby #2 to think about, so I would absolutely trust your instincts on whether or not you feel comfortable being alone with him in a potentially nasty situation.
Also I would make sure [name_u]Parker[/name_u] is out of the house. With your parents or his or a babysitter or friend… just get someone to take her so she’s not in that situation with you. [name_f]One[/name_f] less thing for you to worry about, and she doesn’t have to hear any yelling or arguing that might happen. And if you can manage it, I would make sure you have a bag of essentials already packed if you’re going to stay somewhere else in the interim, so you don’t have to try and gather things.
It probably won’t be easy, but I think you’re going the right thing. Good luck.
I see what you mean about keeping your daughter there, but I think it might make things worse if she starts to cry etc, because it just adds another stress to the situation. I think a public outdoor place is a good idea. You have privacy, but it will still probably keep things calm. Also, that way you could bring say 2 people with you, then break off on your own so he doesn’t feel ambushed, while still keeping your friends/family close by in case you need them.
Please, please do not bring your daughter. It’s just not an appropriate situation for a child to have to be in, in any way. She’ll get to see her dad again when things are calm, she absolutely does not need to witness this. If you’re worried about his level of calmness, do it somewhere public like the pp’s said.
You sound really young and so do your friends. If you live with someone and have a child with him and are pregnant with his child, there’s NO [name_m]WAY[/name_m] you can break up with him any other way than face-to-face. I agree with cvdutch - definitely don’t bring your daughter. She shouldn’t witness your break up, even if she’s too young to remember long-term. However, you can bring a friend or family member if you want support. Make sure you’re 100% sure of your decision and have some things you want to say thought out beforehand.
I know it probably wasn’t the best idea to maybe bring [name_u]Parker[/name_u], it’s like you said sarahmezz, I don’t want her to witness this. But I was also thinking that she wouldn’t understand, and it could calm things down having her with me. But yeah… I think I’ll leave her with [name_u]Jem[/name_u]'s parents instead. They’re great with her and I don’t need another thing to worry about…
Thanks guys. I don’t really know what to say. It’s such a hard situation and it’s really frustrating. I do love him, but I’m just tired of being with someone who cares more about his friends and getting high instead of our daughter. I know I’m doing the right thing, but its hard. No details here but I’ve been through a lot during the last two years and I’m SO ready for it to end, and this might be the start to a better life. Not just for me, but for [name_u]Parker[/name_u] and #2 as well…
Firstly - good on you for acknowledging that your friends advice on this subject was terrible and not following that route.
Second - I agree with other posters that a public place where you can have some friends/family nearby to help out if need be is a good idea if you’re concerned about the situation escalating in anyway.
Third - It’s a very hard situation you’re in, but perhaps this might the catalyst for him to take a look at his life and realise that he needs to re-evaluate his priorities and become a better Dad. Good luck!
I agree with the other berries. Face to face either with someone or by yourself is the way to go. Texting is very high school and will not get what needs to be done accomplished. Please do not bring your little one into it. She does not need to experience that just in case something does escalate. I know it is tough to break up with someone and the fact you have children with this person will make it even harder. But in the end you need to worry about your well being along with your children and he will of course be able to see his them. Maybe make that clear to him? [name_m]Even[/name_m] the new baby on the way he will get to see. [name_m]Just[/name_m] stand your ground and talk in a calm manner if you feel it is going to get loud or the situation gets worse just step away and tell him you will talk when he everything calms down. But it is not silly to have someone with you or near by. It almost gives you the courage. But definitely leave [name_u]Parker[/name_u] out of it. Good luck!
First, it’s great that you know you want to get out of the situation without any uncertainty.
Here is my advice:
Figure out your post break up strategy now too. Where will you be moving and who will be helping you move. Make sure you are all set to leave swiftly after you have the conversation. It might be wise to get some of your important items together before you talk and have some stuff moved out already. Since you have a child it might be nice to have a few of her familiar toys in your new spot, even if it’s a temporary place for you.
Consider your financial involvement with each other. You might want to take it upon yourself to get your name off of any shared bills or divvy up shared accounts.
As sketchy as it sounds, if you think that things could get ugly in any way it doesn’t hurt to talk to a lawyer first.
In my opinion, having the talk is the easy part as long as you have confidence in how you feel and it sounds like you do. The hard part is the living situation, visitation and the financials. If he has hurt feelings he could try to make all of these hard parts even harder. I’m glad you agree about not bringing your child to the break up, but I think that you should bring someone or a few people. If he has a drug problem it couldn’t hurt to gather evidence of this so that in the future you could be sure he is tested so you know he’s clean when he visits with your kids, especially if that will involve driving with them.