I let out such a big sigh upon reading this - I apologize in advance for such a long post! So many feelings attached to this topic!
I too am a newlywed (we just celebrated our one year anniversary), and I was worried sick and shed many tears about this leading up to my decision about what to do - and to be honest, it still bothers me a little bit, and ultimately I ended up with something I could live with - but we are nowhere near at the point where we’re ready to have kids, so I honestly haven’t put much thought into that part yet for myself. I can’t torture myself over it yet because I truly don’t know how I’ll feel five or ten years from now, you know? It could be so very different from how I feel right now.
My situation was/is very similar to yours: I didn’t want to change my name, we had endless discussions about it, he supported me and never told me I had to change it, but at the same time it was important to him that I did, and I didn’t want to hurt him or have him feel that his feelings were being ignored (especially because it is rare for him have strong feelings on things like this). It was hurtful (and is still hurtful) that he wouldn’t even consider changing his (hyphenating, mish-mashing, selecting a new one together, anything) and couldn’t seem to understand how upsetting it is that women are expected to change their names, but for so many men, it’s just not something they’ve ever had to think about or even would consider saying yes if they are ever asked about it.
Anyway, to make a long story short - in thinking that I do want to have the same last name as the members of my future family (and knowing that if we change our minds, we can always all hyphenate or all change it together) - I took his last name legally and moved my last name to a second middle name. However, I don’t always use his last name. At the job I was at when I got married, my legal name in the HR records and system changed, but most people didn’t know that - I continued to use the same maiden name, same signature, same email, etc., and I never ran into any problems with that. About six months later I went to a new job, and now I use a double barrel last name (non-hyphenated) at work, and will continue to do that for as long as I want to - I might do it forever, I might not. For right now, I don’t mind using my first and his last socially, but using the double barrel is also pretty fluid. They’re as interchangeable as I want them to be, and no one is too bothered by that, as long as they know that I don’t care if they use the double barrel or just the last. I feel that to some degree, names can be fluid (like nicknames, for example) as long as you are following the law. As long as you’re following the law, you have every right to use your name as it’s important to you in that moment. My maiden name hasn’t just fallen out of my life, because I won’t allow it to. It’s up to me to decide to what degree it stays with me, in what situations, etc. [name_f]Do[/name_f] I sometimes forget which name I used for which store account or whatever? Sure, sometimes, but it’s not that big of a deal to me - it’s worth that second account look-up to me to keep my maiden name in my life. If I wanted to I could get more organized and carry a list with me in my phone anyway :). If I continue to want to use my name this way, I can always only use my legal last name in situations related to my kids, and that way there won’t be any confusion.
If you feel like you keeping and using your maiden last name (whether you decide to change it back, add it as a second middle, use a double barrel or hyphenated version, whatever) will fulfill your needs enough to not necessarily need that name to be part of your childrens’ names, then I think that is the easiest solution - although easiest doesn’t mean it’s the solution you feel the best about.
If you do still have that need, you have a few options, which you’ve already outlined/have already been suggested. [name_f]Do[/name_f] you love any of them? Sounds like the answer is no, but here’s where my tough love comes in - too bad. You just have to decide which factors are ultimately the most important to you in making your decision, because people go round and round and round about this, and I don’t know anyone who’s come up with a perfect compromise. You changing your name didn’t feel like a compromise to you, it felt like a sacrifice, and the same goes for me, although I’ve found a way to make it feel a bit better to me. Unfortunately, this is the patriarchal society we live in, and you can either do something about it in terms of fighting the system, or you can find some way to go along with it that you hate less than the other options (but don’t expect to love it or even like it). Personally, I feel that I am meant to be a part of a different (but no more or less important) front in the battle against the patriarch, and therefore I just can’t spend my time and energy in fighting the name battle (because it IS a lifelong battle), but I am so, so incredibly appreciative of those that are, and I hope that one day my daughters and granddaughters benefit from their efforts on that front as well as the efforts I’m putting in on my own battles in other areas.
So - that’s my advice. Decide what you hate the least and go with it.
I notice that your post title talks about reflecting both sets of parents’ heritages, so if that’s your main concern, there are tons of ways to do that (like just looking into traditional [name_m]German[/name_m] and [name_m]French[/name_m] names) - but based on the content of your post, I think that title was a bit misleading :).
Wishing you the best of luck. It honestly it such a frustrating and touch predicament.