What have been your biggest parenting challenges?
The issues that have caused fights with your DH. The scenarios that have left you screaming at your kid. The problems that you’ve struggled with the most in raising your kid(s) from pregnancy through adulthood even.
We’re preparing ourselves to be parents (as best you ever can) and I’ve heard stories from many friends about kids who refuse to eat, who hold their breath, who aren’t potty trained till 5, or even smaller things like refusing to participate in something the parent thinks is important.
Or of partners who’ve had completely opposite views on extra-curriculars, discipline, manners, rules, etc.
What has been your most challenging situation?
And then, how have you resolved those challenges (if you have)?
Did you come up with a perfect consequence on the spot? Did you work out a compromise? Did you find a distraction for a behavior that you now use all the time?
the tween stage attitude problems, hormones, and defiance (this is just coming into play)
sibling bickering and trying to out-achieve one another
when our daughter was not quite two, she liked to shove younger babies and got kicked out of YMCA childwatch
when our oldest three were very little, DH was in grad school while working full-time and we didn’t have much if any help
potty training, and individual differences in the way it all went
in-laws w/ boundary issues (huge ongoing problem; years of marriage counseling for us)
There have been no perfect solutions for us, just tons of trial and error. And counseling, and positive discipline classes (yes, distraction/redirection is a wonderful tool for kids under age 5!), and parent groups, and figuring out how to be flexible & how to ask for help, and figuring out that we haven’t got it all figured out (and never will). It’s almost a given that you’ll disagree w/ your partner on some major issue in parenting, but keep an open mind. AND remember to have date nights scheduled as often and as regularly as possible so that you don’t start hating each other over whether your kid is allowed to eat Oreos or watch Family [name_m]Guy[/name_m] reruns.
If there’s one piece of advice I have for when you’re just going into parenting, it’s that you should go easy on yourself and your partner. Parenting is completely unlike other things, and it’s a big adjustment.
My biggest parenting challenge has been with my oldest daughter, [name_f]Everleigh[/name_f] who is almost 10 years old. When she was eight she started refusing to eat. [name_f]Charlotte[/name_f] (my partner) and I figured that she was just stubborn and a picky eater. We tried everything to get her to eat. She started losing weight really fast, and before she lost weight she wasn’t fat or anything she was average size. After a couple weeks [name_f]Charlotte[/name_f] and I sat down with her and asked her what was going on. She started crying and she told us that she was starving herself because she wanted to be thinner. And she told us the the older kids in her school were bullying her and calling her fat and ugly. As a person who suffered from self harm and eating disorders her whole life, that broke my heart. It was very surprising to me, because she was only eight. Usually girls don’t start to get insecure until there teenagers. We took her to a psychiatrist and she was diagnosed with clinical depression , Boderline personality disorder, and OCD.
For the past two years she has been struggling, but she has come a long way. My advice to new parents is to make sure your child feels completely comfortable talking with you and telling you anything. Ask them how they are feeling and if they are sad don’t tell them to “suck it up”, instead comfort them.
My advice to parents with a child who has an Eating disorder or who self harms is to take it one day at a time. I also highly recommend taking your child to a psychiatrist and getting them help.
Specific to parenting, the hardest thing for us so far (the girls are 2 and 3) has been dealing with parenting the kids individually while working opposite shifts, because although we have established that we share the same values we have slightly different parenting styles (my husband is a bit more of a disciplinarian and I am more about using those opportunities to teach them - he is more ok with setting the kids up in front of the TV and ignoring them while he plays video games, and I am a little more of the ‘make sure they are stimulated with play-doh/crafts/colouring/playing outside/something else appropriate for kids’ mindset) and the kids need to adjust to our different approaches. When we are together I think we have a good balance but when there’s only one of us home it can be a bit stressful/difficult. Negotiating those parenting responsibilities/personalities/preferences fairly (especially fairly for the kids) has been a challenge for us.
Also, not as soecifically a parenting issue but definitely a parents’ issue: at times it has felt like all we are is roommates and co-parents. It’s hard to stay emotionally interested in each other when at times things feel monotonous. Just straight-up having sex helps of course but sometimes after a lobg shift or a day of whiny kids and poopy daipers it can be hard to find the energy/interest. Date nights help, or even family outings with the kids but just… anything to break the routine, I guess. That has been a struggle for us but we are working on it.
Other than that, I mean just remember everything is temporary. Screaming/tantrums/hair pulling/picky eating/potty training, they are all just phases you deal with. They are all massively frustrating but a lot of the most challenging issues when you break them down are really developmental phases kids goes through, and remembering that kind of keeps things in perspective.
@maryfiona
It is so wonderful that you were able to get your daughter the help she needs. My brother has similar disorders that went undiagnosed until adulthood. I can only imagine how much better things could have been if my parents had been able to get him help earlier on.
I have 2 young sons, ages 4 years and 2 months. So I am not exactly overflowing with wisdom here. I’m know that we have many challenges to come. I am also dealing with a neurotypical child. Many kids require different, more specialized strategies.
Thus far, the most difficult thing has been not letting things turn into a power struggle. For instance, my older son showed a lot of interest in potty training around 18 months. We excitedly tried to potty train him at that point- it was a disaster. We tried again at age 2, then 2 1/2. It was a pee-soaked nightmare each time. So we quit, backed off, figured he wouldn’t leave for college in diapers… The week before he turned 3, he woke up one morning and asked for underpants. Then he used the toilet. Then he asked for a jellybean. That was it. He trained himself, very few accidents, both days and nights.
Food has been very similar. It is so easy to get worked up about whether the kid is eating his broccoli. But if we just focus on putting the food on the table and letting him decide what to eat, it goes a lot better. Our son is 4 and he is the least picky kid I know. Everyone tells me this will change, I’m sure it will. But dinner time can continue to be pleasant whether he eats his kale or not.
With the baby, breastfeeding has been a huge challenge so far. I was anticipating that the sibling transition would be the hardest part, but that has been blessedly easy so far (only 2 months in, knock wood.) With 2 kids, the relentlessness of parenting is very challenging as well. Somebody always needs something. There is really no downtime at this point. And I only have 2 kids and they are 4 years apart! It could be [name_m]WAY[/name_m] harder, yet even this is really pretty exhausting.
Thank you!
I’ve worked in daycares with kids who push and that’s always so hard for parents. [name_m]How[/name_m] do you teach a 1 year old to know their own strength?
I forsee possible issues with in-laws as well. DH and I are usually on the same page about them, but I know my mother might even cause an issue if she felt strongly enough about the way we were doing something. Sometimes I have to be really blunt about things.
I’m definitely in favor of redirection, but I also see the value of using things as “teachable moments” and consistency. sigh I fear my biggest struggle will be the desire for perfection. I know I’ll have to let that go and focus on grace.
Oh, I’m sorry, that’s so tough! I’m glad you have more clarity and help now for her!
I work with 8-10 year old girls and I know how mean they can be and how susceptible they are to peer criticism.
I know that keeping open lines of communication will be a struggle for me, but I’m determined to make it a priority because I know how big of a difference it can make!
I was often told to “suck it up” as a kid, and it’s been a hard road getting to a place where I feel comfortable being vulnerable and sensitive. At the same time I don’t want my child to be obsessed with their own emotions. I think it’s a balance (as everything is) between knowing yourself well, communicating your emotions & needs clearly, and yet knowing how to turn off your inner voice and focus on others when necessary.
Thank you! Yes, that’s one of the pieces of advice I’ve heard most—it’s all a phase, this too shall pass. I’m sure that’s hard to think in the moment (or in the months when something seems endless). But being ready for those developmental shifts is on my radar.
Schedule and style differences I can definitely see being an issue. My DH wasn’t pushed to do anything as a child. He had very hippie parents who were just okay with him doing whatever he pleased (and not doing what didn’t please him). So things like being made to eat vegetables or to brush your teeth or even just to get up and try again after you fall–are completely foreign to him. I envision many “conversations” in that vein, with me wanting to push them and him wanting to back off. But I don’t want to always be the bad guy either.
Oh, I pray that my kid is like I was and not like my sister!!! lol
I was so easy going as a kid–ate pretty much everything, wasn’t defiant, but my sister gave my mother a run for her money!
Regarding food, I’ve heard that that’s a good tactic—put the food on the table and let the kids serve themselves small portions. The “tapas” style gives them more choice and ownership of the process. Who knows how well that will actually work for us, we’ll see!
Right now, we’ve only agreed to one kid! We’ll see if that changes.
I’m still a newcomer to this whole parenting game, still haven’t made it through my first year yet. But for what it’s worth I would say that so far the biggest challenge has been sleep. Everything else has come fairly easily and naturally, but I am not a person who deals well with being tired, my partner is even worse and our daughter (after a very promising start) turns out not to be the world’s best sleeper. I’m not sure if we did something wrong or if that’s just the way she is (and it drives me crazy guessing which is correct). I think having a baby has made me better at functioning on broken/limited sleep but it has been tough and continues to be so since ours is still not even nearly sleeping through the night at 8 months. I would probably recommend having a proper plan in place about how you want to deal with night-wakings, bedtime and naptimes because we didn’t and we have generally used a ‘whatever works’ approach which has probably not helped. Our approach has achieved more consistency and structure as we’ve gone on but I have to confess we are still a little bit ‘take it as it comes’ on sleep issues. And be supportive of each other - if one is shattered (usually the mother if breastfeeding, but often the father as well in our case) it is very nice if the other can take a solo shift and allow the tired one to get a nap in without having to keep one ear on the baby.
I know we haven’t got to the properly hard bits of parenting yet since ours is still too little to have really started to assert any independence. She is not even fully mobile yet, so yeah we’re probably still on easy mode I would say. So my contribution is probably not worth much but there it is anyway!
My son isn’t quite 4 months but I will agree that sleep deprivation, breastfeeding or pumping if you choose to go that route, healing from labor and delivery, and communication about how both parents will schedule in some sleep are the toughest things in the beginning. If you have a c section or lots of swelling or tearing/episiotomy to heal from, it’s really difficult to comfort a baby the first month if they only will be soothed by walking them around cause mamma isn’t physically able to walk much! If you can get babysitting help from family it is a godsend just so the parents can get some sleep if nothing else. [name_f]Remember[/name_f] this too shall pass (in 3 months they may be sleeping a 6 hour stretch) even though time passes slowly when you’re awake for so much of it! I also recommend trying to get into a fairly set feeding schedule and figuring when you need to keep baby awake so they’ll sleep decent nighttime hours. Our son would love to sleep from 7:30 until 2:30 so we have to work at keeping him awake until 9 so he’ll sleep until 4 or 5. I now realize that preventing sleep deprivation psychosis is a legitimate reason for not breastfeeding. Luckily DH and I were both home the first 7 weeks so I pumped and someone else often fed the baby which allowed me to occasionally sleep 4 or even 5 hour stretches. About a week after our son was born, DH had a friend over but was surprised when I went straight to bed anyway…it’d been 30 hours since I had last slept…so just try to be clear about when you are planning a nap in case your partner lost track of how tired you are.
No, not at all!
I definitely forsee sleep issues being tough for us.
I am a morning person, and I don’t function very well late at night or when really tired (read: I cry like a baby if I have to stay up past 1 am).
I have a pinterest board full of “sleep tips” already. I’m determined to try and create a good sleeper if I don’t get one naturally but I’m not sure how realistic that is.
We’re lucky to have family close by so I’m hopeful they can provide some help.
I think the ‘every 3 hours’ aspect of breastfeeding is the main thing that scares me about it.
[name_m]Even[/name_m] though I don’t agree with all the babywise stuff, it’s claims are definitely tempting and I think the scheduled route might be right up my alley
but I’m not sure how realistic that is.