Career woman vs. Mom... can I be both? Do I want to be?

Parentberries
21

Great discussion! [name]One[/name] of the best I have seen on this topic; thanks everyone for the kind, supportive feedback.

I just want to add to what’s already been said. If you do choose to have a career (which can be full time or part time) and children, you don’t have to do it all. Many of us working moms have a lot of help, from a spouse, the extended family, friends, even a childcare provider. It really does take a village, and you shouldn’t be ashamed to ask for help when you need it! You also have to know what boundaries you want to set and then stick to them the majority of the time. [name]Do[/name] you want clear separation between work and family life, or are you ok with it blending? If you’re ok with blending, are there certain times that are just for family (i.e. dinner)? I recommend the book “CEO of Me” - its a short read that talks about your preferences for balance and what approaches you can take to achieve it. Also, it helps if you can find an employer, and an immediate manager, who is supportive and will help you find and keep the right balance for you.

I agree with some of the pp who talked about having the flexibility when your kids are older, rather than before they start formal school. When your kids are 1, 2, 3, etc, they won’t remember if you were there when they took their first steps (although, you’ll be disappointed if you miss it), learned their ABC’s, etc, but they will notice if you didn’t make it to their kindergarten graduation, their 6th grade play, etc. It’s important to me that my daughter and son (due on Nov), have memories from their childhood that mom and dad (he works too and has to struggle with the same balance challenges) kept them as their priority. I have to remind myself of this, sometimes, but it does keep me grounded.

Having worked in advertising/marketing for over 5 years (I’m in HR), it’s a tough profession. You’re often at the mercy of your client’s demands, there’s a good amount of internal politicking, and being actively employed is seen as critical component of one’s success. If you’re already feeling the strains of this pressure, it won’t get easier when your have kids. That’s not to say that there aren’t agencies out there that have programs to support working moms, but the good ones can be hard to find, and harder to get into too. You’ve likely got enough experience at this point to be able to take your transferable skills to a similar or related role if you think a career change is in order. [name]Just[/name] focus on what you’ve done and learned that can apply to a new role, and sell it! :o)

22

I’m not married or have any children, but my mother is a mother of four and has a full time career, as did my grandmothers and mostly every woman I know - in my country women just don’t stay at home anymore, at least not as often as American mothers do.I’ve never felt deprived, lacking of love or anything like that. My mother is an inspiration for me, and the whole family is so proud of her accomplishments.

To me staying home will never be an option for several reasons: I can’t imagine spending so much time, money, and effort in my eduaction and then not have a job (something my grandmothers were deprived of when they were young); I don’t like the idea of not being able to provide the best for my kids (especially in though economic times and with high divorce rates); I’m bothered being finantially dependent on a man; I think it’s important for a woman to persue her talents and interests as best as she can (if it means raising kids, great!). Then there’s the cultural aspect… I was kind of raised to believe that women who don’t have jobs are “lazy”, and “live in the dark ages” (again, it doesn’t mean I believe it).

Having a career and being a mother is absolutely doable, but you can’t expect to do anything on your own - it’s important to have a good support system. Historically, women were never expected to raise the children alone: there were always sisters, cousins, and grandmothers around to help. Nowadays, apart from family, there is daycare and nannies and especially the fathers, who must be expected to share the housework and take care of the children as much as the mother.

23

I’d say that it behooves you to marry a man who has the ability to allow you to choose. It’s often best for the family if Mom stays home. Division of labor. But a husband who is supportive of your decisions and who has the means to solely support the family is the way to go…if you fall in love with that guy.

24

Your response is fascinating to me. I’m wondering from names and description of your experiences if you’re in [name]France[/name]? Reminded me of an amazing book for anyone who’s interested in this subject, “Perfect Madness” by [name]Judith[/name] [name]Warner[/name], it’s several years old now, but it compares her experiences raising a child in [name]France[/name] and in the US. Focusing mainly on the pressures and anxiety piled on American women (her study is isolated to 20-40 yr old college educated women on the [name]East[/name] Coast) to be “perfect” and child-focused (often without the support system to thrive) and what happens when driven career women project that same perfectionism onto being a stay at home mom.(I don’t mean this to get all political, it’s just fascinating to me how different cultures handle parenthood)

On a separate note, I don’t believe that any woman who wants to stay home should feel pressured because she has the education or because her grandmother didn’t have the choice, mainly because in my opinion, that’s what education and rights are about–keeping every available option open, including the option to be a very happy SAHM if you have the desire and the opportunity.

25

I’m in Portugal. Like I said, here the ability for a women to study and to have a job outside the home only goes back two generations at least… so women here prize their careers and independence a lot. And especially now with the crisis, it is not “well seen” when a women doesn’t bring home money - even if she’s married to a doctor, a judge or a CEO. I imagine my parents and grandparents (and even my future husband) would be very disappointed if I gave up my future career to stay home. It’s a different world!

So yes, in Europe in general the mentality is completely different. But I think it’s because of labor rights are stronger so working parents have it much easier here. You get four months full-paid maternity leave (at least 20 days for the father), public daycare, payed leave days to support sick family members, universal healthcare, affordable college. In [name]America[/name] I think it’s much more difficult for women to make things work, which is why so many prefer to be SAHM in order be there for their children.

26

First, a little personal story about career vs. stay at home. My mom was a career woman. This has impacted my decision to be a stay at home mom. Part of the decision, I think, has to do with a person’s own capacity and what’s best for them. Some people can handle a lot of busyness and pressure from several side, but I have learned through my life experience, I would not be able to be my best self by doing that. I feel that when I have too much on my plate I end up suffering and I think my mom was the same way. She would work all day and come home exhausted. Often she would be so tired she would just go take a nap and sometimes I’d have a difficult time even waking her up. I grew up in daycare, which on one had helped me to become independent, but also it forced me to become less connected with my parents emotionally (which a kid sometimes has to learn to do when they are forced to be apart from their parents at a young age for large blocks of time). That emotional disconnect of a relationship pattern, once built, hasn’t really changed.

Currently I’m married and TTC. For me, staying at home and raising my kids full time has also been a calling which I got while in college. It was very difficult finding a career I had a passion for, but I did and did that for a while and I think it’s good, especially when you are single, to have another aim and something you are pursuing long-term because life doesn’t always go as planned or as we hope. Another reason I’m choosing the full-time mom gig is because I don’t think I could stand being separated from my kids. I’d want to be there with them, have that close bond, and to me, children are a privilege and deserve my full attention. For me, that is the most fulfilling. I personally couldn’t find true fulfillment through a career. I have it easy I guess, in that I already know what I want.

I’m sure once the time comes, and you’re in the place where you will need to make some decisions, I’m sure you’ll already have a feeling about what you want and what you’d be able to handle. I think knowing yourself is important to that decision. Knowing your strengths and weaknesses, tendencies, wants, goals etc. and I think that will help you see what you should do.
[name]Hope[/name] this helped :slight_smile: I think it’s cool you’re thinking about this stuff now, it’s a good thing to think about :slight_smile:

27

I also work in marketing with a very demanding job. I will get good maternity benefit and I plan to keep working.

I think either way there are things a woman should remember.

If you choose to be an SATM, remember unless you are a trust fund baby you need to keep up your ability to going back to the work force if needed. Anything could happen. Layoffs, divorces, or God forbid, untimely demise. Staying relevant to the job market (if not a career) is still important.

If you choose to continue working, remember that you do not have to do everything perfectly. Your house does not need to stay spotless, you do not need to cook a three course meal everyday, and most importantly, your partner needs and should contribute to house works and child care. Flexible hours are very common these days, take advantage of it. [name]Both[/name] you and your partner.

Good luck!