Okay, so this is a non-human character I have, and I’d like to see what you think(note: it’s meant to be vague)!
Staring at me.
That’s what it was doing.
It was sitting, and it blinked.
There was one kanji symbol in each of its eyes.
The kanji in its left eye was “Personification”.
In the right, it was “Lies”.
The thing was white, see-through white. Words were in it. Most not in English. The words would form together to make bigger words or sentences. The words were in different colors, like green and blue.
The thing itself looked like a cross between man and wolf gone wrong. It was hideous.
Around it, there were whispers. Whispers I couldn’t make out.
[name_m]How[/name_m] could there be whispers in an empty hallway?
Yes, it’s supposed to be vague. It’s also meant to be creepy, but I’m not sure I got that part down. Anyway, what do you think?
I think you got the creepy bit down. It’s very intriguing!
@caritas, Thank you! This is also a major character, so I tried to give it a nice intro.
Hmm…I love you’re dramatic use of shattered sentences, but there are a lot of them. Almost the entire scene is comprised of short, broken ideas, which almost makes it feel listy. I recommend not using more than 6/7/8 of them in a single scene. But using fragmented thoughts definitely gives it a creepy vibe. Overall, a nice intro. applause
@candler, thank you! The point of view is from a character that has a bad habit of pausing in dialogue. I actually put him in this scene to make it more ominous. That’s why it’s so fragmented; it wouldn’t be so broken up if I’d used a different character.
Very intriguing but I think where you have "green and blue. " it kinda pulled me out of it perhaps finding another way maybe even more detail maybe there’s deferent tones icy blueor dark that would help with setting a spooky scene well described eyes can set any scene with any character