I want to know what your thoughts are on siblings having different surnames. I stumbled across one person’s idea of giving sons the father’s surname, and daughters the mother’s maiden name, and I became enamored by that idea. But I realize that other people might not be fond of it and it could pose complications, i.e kids at school might not know that they are siblings if they have different surnames, and it might look sketchy trying to travel abroad seeing documentations of children with different last names. But I still really like this fairer approach to passing on the family name. What are your thoughts?
I don’t mean to be rude, but I think its an awful idea. If the mother changed her name when she gets married, then the daughters won’t share their surname with either parent, and if not, it will look like, on paper anyway, that they are a step family. And what happens if you have all boys or all girls? Is the other parent going to be happy about none of their children having their name? And if they split up, or one dies? I think it would just be an unnecessary hassle. If you want your children to have both names, just give them both names, or blend both names to make a new surname. Or use one surname as a middle name. There are plenty of better options.
To me there’s no unity when things are so divided like that. I have no problem with myself and my future children all having my husband’s last name. My last name really isn’t mine to begin with it’s my father’s and even if I had my mom’s it would be my Grandfather’s (just the way I see it), so I’d much rather have my husbands last name and my future kiddos to as well.
I say just do what’s best for your family. I can see this working if both the mom and dad keep their birth names. BUT you could have all girls or all boys, so I wouldn’t split up the names by gender. Maybe first kid gets name A and second kid gets name B?
I have a different last name than my kids and honestly it is a hassle sometimes. I think a family should all have the same surname if possible. And what if your kids don’t like have different last names? I say use one of the surnames as a middle name or hyphen the surnames.
I also think its a bad idea. My parents didn’t change their names when they got married, so I got both, and I didn’t run into any issues with it at all that weren’t easily fixed (I ended getting rid of my dad’s surname, but that was because I hated him. Now I just wish I’d taken the hyphen out). So I think life in general would be so much easier to just give all children both names, or pick one, or pick a new one.
My little brother and sister have a different surname from me (my dad’s) and they really struggle to understand it (even at nearly 10) so I don’t think the kids would get it either.
Also, I would add that certainly in the UK it is better not to have a hyphen in between the surnames. It means legally you can use both surnames, either individually or together, whereas with a hyphen you have to use both, which can be a pain.
I actually thought of doing this with my kid(s). We’re still up in the air about which surname we will give this baby, but we usually lean towards mine. I kept my maiden name when we got married because I love it and I would love it if my kids had it too.
I think it will probably be confusing to people if siblings have different last names, but it will take one sentence to explain AND it doesn’t matter in the end. Why does the default have to be the father’s surname? I live in a big city and see every surname choice/combination you could think of. I know of a family whose children have a combination of 4 different surnames (the mother’s first husband passed away and the father had children from a previous marriage). It’s fine and people are understanding. If you live in a place where people are more judgmental about that, then maybe rethink it if that will bother you. Or don’t and go your own way! Ultimately you and your partner should do what is best for you.
I know this is a personal thing and what works for one family isn’t what will work for another, but I still vehemently disagree with the idea.
I grew up in a blended family. Four of us kids had our father’s surname, while my stepdad’s two kids (one of them being my half sister) had his surname. I can’t speak for my elder siblings, but us younger three lived together full-time and we hated having different surnames. It was just so obvious that our family was “messed up” (back then, none of our friends had blended families, so we stuck out). We hated not being able to call ourselves the “[name_m]Smith[/name_m]” family or the “[name_m]Smith[/name_m]” sisters. We never felt like a whole, secure unit. It was really uncomfortable and just hammered in many negative thoughts about our family dynamic. I vowed from an early age that, should I marry and have kids, we’d all carry the same surname…whether that meant either of us parents taking the other’s surname, hypenating our names, etc.
i guess I may have a chip on my shoulder regarding this, but my experience was just that overwhelmingly negative.
Unless the mother didn’t change her name at marriage, I don’t think it’s a good idea. If my parents and brother had the same surname and I had my mums maiden name I’d feel like an outcast in the family and like I didn’t really belong.
I would respectfully discourage you from doing this. It’s nice in theory and a very sweet and thoughtful idea, but it would divide the family. I know of half siblings who couldn’t comprehend why they had different surnames and it really wound them up. I can only imagine resentment when they’re teenagers/young adults. And there will be lots of questions, maybe even questioning are they really related to each other, did mum and Dad split up when we were younger, am I the result of an affair etc (I know it sounds ridiculous but my sister has a different blood group to me and my sister and is convinced she’s adopted so imagine if you have a different name for no reason).
I’d suggest going for a double barrelled surname so that everyone’s heritage is accounted for. If the kid wants to drop a name when they’re older/naming their own child, that’s their decision.
I personally wouldn’t do it (and I plan to keep my maiden name or hyphenate at the most) but I don’t dislike it as much as other posters have. It’s a sweet idea in theory but I worry about it working in practice. It might be confusing in places such as school and the doctor’s office but it could also be problematic legally. I think hyphenating your surnames might be a good compromise. Perhaps you could do the mother’s name first for the girls and father’s name first for the boys? That way you still get your maiden name in there but the last names are essentially the same.
I agree with this. It may also isolate one child (i.e. you have three of one sex and one of the other). However, personally, I wouldn’t mind having a different surname from my siblings - actually, I prefer my mum’s maiden name (which my siblings and I have as a second middle) to my dad’s surname. I’d suggest going for hyphenation or having one surname as a (second) middle for legal convenience and to lesser the risk of separation/isolation issues.
I know a sib-set where one child had dad’s surname, one had mom’s surname, and one had both surnames hyphenated! The parents couldn’t choose which names they like best so they mixed it up. The only one who found this set-up difficult was the child with the hyphenated name. It ended up being really long!
Personally, I like the idea of giving my daughters my surname. I’m not of the mindset that sharing a last name is what units a family.
[name_m]Just[/name_m] a few thoughts…a friend & her husband hyphenated their names when they got married. It worked well for them because their last names meshed well together in terms of sound & rhythm—similar to [name_u]Remington[/name_u]-[name_u]Tate[/name_u]. Their daughter uses the hyphenated name.
I have a stepsister. Her mom & my dad didn’t marry until my brother & I were in our 20s & the stepsister was out of high school, so we were nothing like the [name_u]Brady[/name_u] Bunch. But there was a lot of resentment from her being the odd one out when her mom took my dad’s last name.
My daughter’s dad & I divorced a number of years ago. When I remarried, my daughter, who was 13 at the time, asked me to keep my former married name as part of my last name so we would share that, so I put my current husband’s name first & hyphenated w/my ex’s & daughter’s last name going second.
My current husband has two children from his first marriage, one of whom is a married daughter that took her husband’s name, so between the six of us we have four last names. We still send a holiday card that includes all three kids & my stepson-in-law. One year the card we chose had a space for our last name & we put in “We Have Too Many Last Names Anymore.”
