Rather than focusing on first names, I have a question about last names and how you decided on one for your children.
Here’s my story: I kept my last name when my husband and I got married even though this isn’t necessarily the tradition in American culture (yes, I do realize that tons of people do the same thing I did, and husbands do take their wife’s last name and women will hyphenate their last name, etc. etc.). My mom didn’t change her name when she got married, either; she says she doesn’t understand why women change their name when they get married. I was given just my father’s last name and I kept it upon marriage because it has cultural significance for me. My husband also encouraged me to keep it. Now that my husband and I are ready to have kids, we’ve been pondering the last name situation.
Growing up, I knew a couple of kids with married parents who had different last names and the kids either had a completely different last name, a hyphenated last name, or their parents has smooshed their last names into one new last name (it actually worked well in the case I am thinking of, because the new, smooshed last name is a legitimate last name).
So, my question is, if you and your partner have different last names, how did you decide what last name to give your child? (Once some answers are posted, I’ll let you know a little bit more about what we’re thinking of doing.)
I kept my surname after my marriage – we actually got married in Connecticut because at the time it was one of the few states that didin’t automatically change your name – for a number of reasons. My husband would have preferred to change his name to mine, but his dad would have had apoplexy so we didn’t. We agreed that we would hyphenate our children’s surnames. My daughter was born in New [name]York[/name], where that was permitted, so her SS card has her hyphenated name. When my son was born in [name]Canada[/name], it was, of course, no big deal there. As it turns out, my daughter has kept her hyphenated name – [name]Owen[/name]-Shore – where my son goes by just [name]Owen[/name]. However, unless he changes it, once he’s in the [name]Army[/name], he’ll be [name]Owen[/name]-Shore again. The only place we’ve had trouble with a hyphenated name is here in northwest [name]Florida[/name]. None of the computers are set up to take hyphens and so the name ends up smooshed, Owenshore, which is awful. It’s a real pain in the neck, but this area is 50 years behind the times, so. The Hispanic kids have a problem too as the computers list their mother’s name as a middle name instead of the traditional double surname.
For parents who have different last names, I vote giving baby either the father’s last name or a hyphenated surname. I think “smushed” surnames are a terrible idea. Surname changes are a pain in the rear to genealogists. Not only that, but you’re connecting yourself to a family name that isn’t yours. Take the example in the post above me. The poster’s friend was not a Marwell, she was a [name]Martin[/name] and a Coldwell. Those are three completely separate surnames.
You have your father’s name. Let your kids have theirs. Why should it be any different?
Yourself said that you kept your fathers surname, and it has cultural significance. Same for your kids.
Whatever you don’t do hyphenating. I have a hyphenated surname, and I can’t stand it. And what happens when your hyphenated-surname son marries a hyphenated-surname who wants to keep her last name? What do the kids get then?
No one needs two surnames, it’s just a headache.
I don’t like last names. My father doesn’t own me and neither will my husband if I ever marry. I wish we lived in a world where last names didn’t exist because, quite frankly, I find them demeaning, especially since they are dominated by males. I plan to change my last name in the future, and my children will all have chosen last names.
That said if you really feel it’s important for them to share last names with you and/or your husband I would smoosh or hyphenate them, depending on your names and how well they smoosh. You could always un-hyphenate their name once they’ve become older and identify mainly with one parent or the other, or possibly just pick the name that sounds the nicest with the fn and mn you’ve picked. I wouldn’t simply give them one or the other of your names because that feels like you’re forcing them to be one or the other’s. If that makes any sense…
My boyfriend has parents with two different last names who chose to hyphenate his and his siblings’ names. He hates the whole set-up. By high school, he’d already unofficially dropped one (just using it on official paperwork and stuff) and when he gets married, he plans to legally change it. At this point, his mother laughs that she should have just given all her kids his dad’s surname (hers is the one that nobody’s using now–not because it’s hers, just because it’s the second one in the order and the longer one. Good thing she’s got a good sense of humor about the whole thing).
Despite his experience, I think if two last names are short or flow well, then hyphenating can totally work. BF’s last name is 5 syllables and 18 letters long…not so tidy, which is probably why he resents it so much. If he and I happen to get to the point where we’d be picking last names for somebody, I think we’d probably give them his name (even in the probable case of me keeping my last name).
Ours don’t sound good hyphenated (even if he’s just using one of his plus mine).
I don’t personally like smush names. I don’t feel “owned” by my last name; instead, I appreciate that it gives me a sense of belonging–to a family, to a longer line of people. I would miss having that connection with the rest of my family members, and I think it would be kind of confusing for there to be three last names in one immediate family (though I suppose combined families after second marriages work just fine with multiple names). The only time I think it would kind of work would be if everyone in the family took the new smushed name. Then everyone is part of one cohesive family unit, and it feels less like the kids adrift and unattached to any of their ancestry/family members… I don’t know if that makes sense. It’s more of a feeling for me than a logical thing at this point.
Earlier in our relationship, BF and I happened to mention a first name or two we each liked and I confess I might have really criticized one of his choices, and he naturally got defensive (family name). We could have argued over it a lot more, but instead he finally said, “I love you more than I love the name ____.” And with that in mind, I think I can say that, since the last name business matters so much more to him, I would love him more than I’d love having my name be part of my kids’ last names. Instead, I would consider using my last name as a second middle for every child. Or I’d just not worry about it at all–I don’t have my mom’s name in mine (granted, it was Lepper so that was a kindness on her part), but I don’t feel any less connected to her or her side of the family. [name]Nor[/name] do I feel that by not giving me her last name makes her less of a strong feminist role-model…
But that’s me personally. Everyone is different. I’m curious to find out what your idea is
We have 4 kids and have never married.
Our first (a son) has my last name
Our 2nd (a daughter) has both last names with a space in between instead of a hyphen
Our 3rd and 4th (daughters) have my husbands last name
[name]Kinda[/name] weird, but I would feel left out if my husband and kids all had the same last name and I didn’t.
We are finding that having both last names does tend to be a bit long for my daughter and the teachers always put a hyphen in it and then she has to correct them.
Thanks for replying, everyone! It’s always really interesting to me to hear everyone’s experiences.
It seems that many people here are against hyphenating. I think I lean in that direction as well, especially with our last names. My last name is short and clearly of [name]Asian[/name] origin. My husband’s is long and clearly French. Hyphenating them would be a slight mess. I also agree with what has already been said regarding the child eventually picking one last name in the future.
Smushing isn’t really something I want to do, either. Our last names don’t exactly seamlessly smoosh together. However, I think that smooshing is a good option if both last names can be retained in their entirety and form a real last name–[name]Green[/name] + [name]Hill[/name] = Greenhill, for example. agirlinred mentioned that this is torture for genealogists, and coincidentally genealogy is really important in my family, which makes this option even less appealing to me.
Call me narcissistic, but I want my kids to have my last name as well as my husbands. I have heard of cases like what poptart8 has done–some kids get one last name and some get the other one. However, that’s just not my style. What I would like to do is what poptart8 did for her second daughter–give both last names without a hyphen. I’m not sure what order she did it in, but I would do FN MN Husband’s LN My LN. Though I can’t claim any bloodlines, I have a really strong connection to Latino culture and generally this is how children are named in Latino culture. Additionally, those that I know tend to use their father’s LN when in casual settings, but both last names in more formal settings (also, some people use both nearly all the time). They’re called “Mr./Miss father’s LN” to avoid using a super long name. I wouldn’t feel bad if their teachers called them “[name]Suzy[/name] father’s LN” in school, knowing that the kid has both last names. I realize that many people would probably think “Why don’t you just use your LN as your kids’ middle names? That way they have both all the time and don’t have to ignore part of their LN.” I just don’t like this idea, it had a different feeling than having my last name in the LN spot. Hopefully that makes sense.
poptart8: [name]Do[/name] people ever think that her second last name is her only last name? i.e. Her name is “[name]Suzy[/name] MN [name]Smith[/name] [name]Jones[/name]” and people assume that [name]Smith[/name] is part of her MN and [name]Jones[/name] is her last name? (Hopefully that makes sense). This is what I would be weary of.
I kept my last name, and my kids all have my husband’s last name. I do not like hyphenating at all. In your example above, [name]Jones[/name] would be the last name. Leaving a space between the two last names essentially creates an additonal middle name. So, [name]Suzy[/name] MN [name]Smith[/name] [name]Jones[/name]" would be correctly condensed to Ms. [name]Jones[/name]. So, really, you ARE just putting one of the last names as a middle name, at least officially.
I have my mother’s last name, and I’m going to give my daughter my last name: basically a reversal of the standard tradition in [name]America[/name], instead of the family name being passed down on the father’s side, it’s passed on from mother to daughter.
You could always use the last name construction like they use in Iceland, take the father’s [or mother’s] first name and add son or dotter onto the end.
This is a situation that frustrated me. I kept my name too. My dh is adopted and has no heritage with his surname. His adoptive family is very disconnected too. I tried to use his last name at first, but his family objected and he cared more about their opinion than mine. So, I ended up going back and using my birth name eventually.
I suggested a combo name. He hated that. My surname is [name]German[/name] and his is Irish. DH loves [name]German[/name] history and culture and such. He refused a combo name and he refused a hyphenated name. And I could not bring myself to give my children his last name after being so seriously rejected by his family and him backing them up. Otherwise, I wish wish wish wish that it felt OK to use his last name. I WISH we were something like “The Smiths” or “The Bravermens” you get the idea…
If you have short names, then it works to combine them. SmithJones does not seem to long. But of course, SponskowskiSullivan is way too long and way too different from each other.
If your dh wants the kids to have your last name and that is what you want, then go for it. If you don’t mind the kids having his last name and that is what your dh wants…then go for that too. This is just such a hard decision!
For me, because of the hostile history, I will always struggle with it.
