Creating and having a positive mother/daughter relationship

Parentberries
1

This topic is definitely several years ahead than expected, but such is how my mind works.

I’ve been wondering for a long time now how mothers and daughters seem to have such a close, open, positive relationship. I have friends who open up to their mothers about things I’d never even dream of doing with mine.
My mother and I unfortunately have a very poor relationship, and so does my mother with her own. It seems to be a pattern in our family. Naturally this has led me and my preemptive mind to worry about it happening with me and my daughter someday, as well as wonder how to prevent it.

I naturally love children, and I’m quite patient with them, so it’s not as if it’s hard for me to interact with children. However, I think i’m more clueless on how to build a positive relationship with a future daughter.
I have no sisters, only brothers, so I don’t have the female sibling history to help me and I’m not worried about a mother-son relationship as much.

Ideally, I want my future daughters to approach me with issues like heartbreak, crushes, health issues, beauty tips, social interactions, long-term life choices whatever else teenage girls need advice, input or even just venting sessions on.
I never went to my mother on majority of these things, so that’s the general outcome I’d like to reach. Any advice?

Children aren’t in the forecast for another 6 years, and I won’t have a teenager for at least 20 or so years, but I’m a planner, and it’s something that’s been plaguing my mind for quite some time now. So I figured I might as well get some insight on it.

Much appreciated. :slight_smile:

2

I think there is a lot you can do to be proactive about making sure your relationship with your daughter is better than yours is with your own mother.

Things like taking a class on communication, as well as just doing what you can to be a good parent - reading up on child development and psychology, taking care of yourself mentally, and raising your child with strict but reasonable boundaries and limits will set the stage for a good relationship. And it’s important to have good relationships with OTHER people…your child’s father or if not, your own partners, friends, etc.

I think the biggest thing I see cause major problems between mothers and daughters (or parents and children in general) is judgement, and also fear. A lot of times it seems mothers will react strongly and inappropriately out of fear if they think something their child is doing is going to lessen the quality of their life.

And it’s important to think about how you treat and talk to others, outside of your close relationships. A daughter isn’t going to be willing to open up to you and talk about crushes or boyfriends if you make comments about women who “go through boyfriends like underwear” or judge other women for being too sexual or “easy”. She’s not going to tell you about her best friend’s addiction or her own experimenting with drugs if you tell her she’ll be grounded until she’s 30 every time marijuana is mentioned. And she’s not going to talk about her friends if you roll your eyes every time she mentions one or criticize their clothes, hair, etc.

3

You made some excellent points and reminders, especially the bolded part. I don’t think people realise how much those types of actions can affect relationships with others close to them.

4

My best advice is to not forget what we have passed. We used to be a kid, a tennager. And latter, when we are mothers, we should not forget how we felt as a teenager. We should consider their point of view, their position. [name]Remember[/name] how we saw the adult when we were teenagers and what we expected them to do/say. It is easier for us to do so than to force our thought (as an adult/parent) to them.

I don’t have a kid yet (we’re in the same age, for God’s sake.) so I don’t have much to say. I don’t have a very poor relationship with my mother but not the best one too. I never approach my mother for any issues, because I don’t feel comfortable with it. I once had a childhood trauma and so I never even expect my mother to came to me and help me with my personal issues. But I remember I expect my mother to let me do things with my own way, to understand my wishes and support me, instead of making me do things she believe good for me.

Next advice is to open up yourself and remember to say sorry when you make a mistake. [name]Don[/name]'t make it like parents/adults are superior so kids/teenagers must listen to us. [name]Treat[/name] them equally, make them your friends but still set some boundaries. That was what my mother did the time we fixed our relationships. :slight_smile:

5

I have a strong relationship with my mom and my daughter (only 4). Luckily I had an excellent role model. My mom was always honest with me. When age appropriate, she told me about her teenage yrs and the good/bad choices she made. Since my mom was open and honest with me, it was easier to be so with her. My 4 yr old loves to hear stories about my childhood and I’ve started to tell her about the good/bad choices I made as a kid (throwing tantrums, eating too much candy, getting my ears pierced - all age appropriate for her). I’ve promised her, I will always tell her the truth and I want her to be honest with me, too. Also, I listen to her now - all her dreams, silly make believe games, songs. I want her to know that what she has to say is important to me. And I pray, pray, pray that we will always have a close, loving relationship based on mutual respect for each other.

6

I don’t have a daughter yet so I can’t really give experience from a mother’s perspective, however I think my mum and I have one of the best mother/daughter relationships so I’ll tell you how it has worked for us…

I guess I am lucky that my mum is a fantastic role model, she is the type of women who puts on luncheons for charity’s wearing pearls and a [name]Chanel[/name] Suit, but an hour later is tossing her leg over a motorbike to round up cattle who have escaped from the holding yards. She’s the only 71 year old great grandmother I know to still be flying a helicopter! I hold my mother in the highest regard, I have always admired her ability to hold our family together through thick and thin. She is far from perfect, but she is the image of the mother I want to be to my own children.

My mum’s philosophy has forever been to be open, honest and respectful. Those three fundamental qualities are staples in her parenting, hopefully they are in mine too. She always answered every question I asked, no matter how ugly or embarrassing it was. Nothing was off limits, this made coming to her with my problems so much simpler, I felt at ease because I knew she wouldn’t judge.

Possibly the thing I always admire my mum most for is her ability to always be accessible and approachable. Whatever the problem was, whenever it was, she was on the case. If your daughter is sitting on her bed bawling at 4am go and talk to her, even if you have to get up at 6 the next morning.

I was at boarding school throughout my teenage years, but I made sure I spoke to my mum every single day, without fail. Our conversations ranged from 5 minutes to 5 hours. Talking to her about my day always made me feel comfortable. She’d be on the phone while I taught her all things Biology in preparation for exams.

I’ve been writing this comment for a good 45 minutes… Because I just got off the phone with my mum. This is straight from her mouth, literally it took me 10 minutes to type it to her exact specifications!

“Be honest, open and respectful. [name]Don[/name]'t try to be her best friend, be a friend, but also be her mother. Give her your opinions straight out and don’t worry if she’s mad for a while. [name]Set[/name] realistic boundaries, ones that you can manage. [name]Don[/name]'t be a policewomen. Let her speak, and share her opinions and thoughts. When she has had enough, stop. Never send your daughter to bed fighting with you, make her a cup of tea, hold her hand and talk. Always kiss her goodnight, or at least call her and send virtual hugs. You will never be perfect, try your best, it really is all you can do!” - Sorry she’s one of those people who spits our advice very directly… a little too directly sometimes!

The most important facet of my mum’s parenting is her ability to listen and not interrupt. If you listen to anything your daughter has to say, your on the right track I think.

I’ll finish by saying that my mother and I fight, we are so similar that sometimes we can’t stand each other, but we know each other’s limits and don’t step beyond them.

Hopefully our experience was a little bit helpful…I’m sure you’ll be a great mother to a daughter one day!

[name]Lila[/name].

P.S. I thought I should mention that my dad is fabulous too, my parents always tag teamed well. They had different idea’s on raising kids but they made them work. In the end, after being parents for 50+ years, they are so similar. My dad doesn’t wear pearls and Chanel Suits though!

7

It looks like GoldieLila and I have the same mum (apart from the helicopter thing)! Everything she said is how my mother has handled me over the years. Being away from my parents (I’m very close with my father too, so it’s hard for me to differentiate) was the hardest thing about boarding school, not seeing them every day, so we talked on the phone instead. They’ve always been open and honest with me (they never lied about Father [name]Christmas[/name] and The Tooth [name]Fairy[/name], were always open about death and sex), and wanted to talk to me as a real person with real and valued feelings and opinions. Knowing that I could come to them with whatever I wanted/needed and not being judged was amazing. When I decided God was stupid at age 3, I was allowed to stay at home with my Dad instead of going to church with my Mum and sister, they let me read grown up literature when I was still a child and discussed it with me after (I read Lady Chatterley’s Lover the first time when I was eight). They’ve never pushed their religious or political views on me. I was always loved and appreciated for being me, and that is so wonderful for a child knowing that the way you are is perfect. And my parents always had time for us, they made sure we knew they really liked us as people.

But the home I grew up in was quite strict as well, we had very clear boundaries. I think that is very important , boundaries is a sign of love as well. I’m not going to say anymore, cause everything [name]Goldie[/name] said really applies to me too.

[name]Goldie[/name], this made me all teary eyed:

8

This is amazing. I don’t have a daughter, but I have a fantastic relationship with my mother, and she with hers. The biggest thing about my relationship with my mother is that she never tried to be my friend. I can hear her now… “You have plenty of friends, yo soy Mami.” (My mom is the [name]QUEEN[/name] of Spanglish…lol) She was always Mami. I think because of that, I was never afraid to come to her about issues. She set those mother / daughter boundaries from the beginning. She would call me out when I was being stupid and making stupid decisions, but also praise me when I did things right. More than anything… she loved me through the good and bad, and even when we fought, I have never, ever, ever doubted that she loved me. I only hope I can be half the mom she is.

Ok, now I’m crying. Think I’m going to go call my mom :slight_smile:

9

These were all so beautiful and very reassuring, thank you so much.

A huge thank you to @goldielocks, and her mother for that awesome advice. I really love the best-friend thing, that’s a very good way to put it.

I feel so much calmer now!

Also, e-hugs to @ottilie and @dindlee.

10

That’s another huge worry of mine: traumatizing my child. I have a fair number of childhood traumas, and ever since I sat in on a trauma workshop and realised how simple the formula for a traumatic experience is, I’ve been so worried about causing one for children. [name]Both[/name] the ones I work with, and the ones I’ll hopefully have someday.

11

I don’t have any advice for you East93, but I thought it was so interesting to hear your concerns. They pretty much echo my own. My mom is an abusive alcoholic, and so was her mother. I don’t have any sisters, just a brother. I do have a great relationship with my mother in law, thank gosh. But I often find myself worrying that I won’t be able to have a strong mother-daughter relationship since I am not really sure what it would be like. Ultimately, as long as I don’t turn out like my own mother, I figure everything will be fine. I love my son, and I will love my future children. I recognize the mistakes my own mother made and if I can avoid doing the same, then I should have a good chance.

12

I don’t have a good relationship with my mother. She was a fantastic mother to a small kid-- endlessly patient, endlessly supportive, always willing to teach, made numerous sacifices. She was a good mother to a younger adolescent-- firm about boundaries and rules without being authoritarian, very very good about giving lots of space when desired, supportive of intellectual interests.

By late adolescence, things cooled. She’s incredibly black & white and cannot tolerate shades of gray, or her carefully-ordered world crumbles. She’s very insecure and is quite uncomfortable with someone considering all the facts and reaching different conclusions than she. And she was very uncomfortable when my world expanded rapidly and became much much larger than hers, when I had experiences she could only dream of; earned an MD and suddenly “outranked” her (she is a clinical pharmacist and bases a great deal of her self-worth on her job and the knowledge it carries). We speak once every 3-4 months and I make sure to keep it cordial and banal, because she cannot keep her mouth shut on any “big issue” on which she disagrees with me.

I think personality type figures deeply into the closeness with which mothers & daughters talk. I have an aunt and female cousin who are carbon copies of each other and speak on the phone 15x daily; they’re both dominate-the-room extroverts. I’ve certainly never envied that; I would find it utterly exhausting. I’m a rather cerebral person who doesn’t rely much on the advice of friends or anecdotes when dealing with a problem, nor do I need to have people commiserate with me much-- I like concrete problem-solving. I wish my mother and I were better but I certainly don’t wish to have her glued to my cellphone.

13

The good thing is, we can never really hate our parents (or family, I think), so nothing can’t be fixed. As a child, I had a very strong memory. I can remember exactly how I felt while my mother completely forget what she did that scared and hurted me. We never talked about it for years, but sometimes, when we had a fight my mind was overwhelmed not only by the recent issue but also things happened long time before, make everything much worse. I could have said I forgive her but I never forget. And people said that it isn’t 100% forgiving…

[name]One[/name] day, when we talked openly (mostly about her life, her relationship, parental thing. I still don’t share much with my mom), I brought that topic. She admitted that she completely forget everything and she said sorry for every mistakes she did to me. She said as a mom, she will always loves her children and will never do anything to hurt us (me and my brother) intentionally. That day, after eleven years, she finally asked me an apology. And just like that, I found myself forgiving her. Letting go every negative thoughts.

We still don’t have the role model mother-daughter relationship. I still got jealous when I overheard my college roommate sharing her private life with her mom via telephone so casually. But I’m not complaining, I know my mom’s always trying to be the best mom for me and that’s enough.

[name]Don[/name]'t overthink about trauma. Everyone makes mistakes. The formula of traumatic experience is indeed, very simple. But we can simplify the formula of overcoming trauma too. :slight_smile: To apologize and to accept an apology.

14

This has been really interesting to read so far, thank you for posting this as it’s been weighing on me lately too.

My relationship with my mother has always been cool at best (the names may say it all, I have a “dad” and I have a “mother”). To keep it short: when I was very small, our relationship was bad, just flat out bad. I remember her struggling to keep her anger and emotions in check, cursing at me, and generally having to remove herself from situations she couldn’t handle. She became very deeply involved with a new religion when I was about 11 and became very different-- calmer but also extremely judgmental and distant. I was a pretty independent kid by that time, but I feel like I did miss out on having that mother-daughter relationship almost entirely. Today we speak for a few minutes on the phone a couple times a month, but will probably never be “close.”

Now I’m wondering just what her relationship with her granddaughter will be (if any really) and how I will parent differently…mainly I just never want my daughter to experience that level of fear and isolation.

15

There’s a big difference between a parent frightening or occasionally/accidentally hurting their child - something which they can apologize for later, or make an effort to prevent it from happening again and reverse the damage, and childhood trauma.

By definition, trauma is not something that can be fixed by an apology. An apology can help, it can bring forgiveness or understanding, but it’s not going to make the flashbacks and the recurrent fear, the nightmares, or the inability to function in a situation that may reflect the traumatic one, all go away.

16

I’m still a teen myself, but I think the best part about my relationship with my mother is that she has always told me everything. For example, I knew about my aunt’s alcoholism when her own children did not, because my mom saw no reason to hide that from me. It’s made it easier for me to talk to her about things because she is open with me as well.

17

This worries me, too. Objectively, my mother was great. She was a stay-at-home mum until I was ten, then she went back to work part time for another fifteen years before retiring. Before having children, she worked as a bank teller. After having children, she worked as an integration aide (assisting disabled students at a primary school). Growing up, I was extremely judgemental of my mother. I remember having very little respect for her because (in my eyes) all she had done with her life was get married and have children. I didn’t think she was very intelligent (still don’t, really. She’s a bit flaky, lol). We didn’t have a close relationship throughout my teens, but, nowadays, we’re on good terms. We live in different states and talk on the phone only about once a month or so, but play words with friends constantly! I think our relationship is in a good place now, but took about twenty-five years to get there. My worry about having a daughter is that she will judge me the same way I judged my mother.

EDIT - Although I said my mother and I have a good relationship now, I would never go to her with problems or worries. We don’t have that kind of relationship (and we never have had).

18

I know. Maybe I didn’t conveyed it good enough. But all I mean is, it helps a lot. The initiative and good intention are important. You’re also right about the flashback, etc. They didn’t just go away. It’s just me, prefer to (try to) letting go the ‘burden’.

The recovery isn’t instant. But again, the process depends on the related person and how serious the trauma was.

19

I have/had a bad relationship with my mother. I think the major problem was is that she’s stubborn, not open to change, strict, and short tempered. She also doesn’t have the best relationship with her mom and was actually kind of neglected. Her mother didn’t even tell her about puberty, she learned from her aunt’s.

My sister and I basically feared her when we were little. When she got mad, she screamed, spanked and threatened to throw us out of the house (one time it was just because I wouldn’t wear my slippers…). Things cooled off a bit when we entered Middle School and High School, but there were times she snapped.

Grades were the world to her. Come home with anything lower than a B and you were screwed. She didn’t like B’s, but it wasn’t till you hit C that she start screaming. By high school though she stopped after talking to one of my teacher’s who told her I was doing my best in the class (studying, taking notes, I even went in to get help from the teacher! It as AP Biology btw, not the easiest class in the world…). I forever thank him to this day!

Now that I’m married and out of the house, our relationship is a bit better. She still comes screaming to me though when my younger sister does stupid things (like getting multiple piercings in her ear). But at least it’s no longer at me…

SO, what to take from all of this? [name]Don[/name]'t yell, talk to your children. If they do something horrible, put them in time out, works way better than screaming and spanking. You should never hit your child, that only causes fear. Be honest and open minded. If your daughter wants a tattoo, then talk to her about it, find out why (current fight between my mom and sister, who is 20). [name]Don[/name]'t just yell “[name]Don[/name]'t do it” or “you’re going to ruin your life” that does nothing, but maybe make her want to do it more. In summary, don’t hit and be honest. It’s as simple as that!

20

Mistakes my mother made: Keeping me out of school every time I appeared to be sick, and sometimes when I wasn’t, for “sick of school” days. Talking me out of taking Calculus my senior year of high school, because presumably I wouldn’t need it. Telling me constantly how beautiful I was. Telling me the mean kids were “just jealous.” She protected us so fiercely that we were hobbled by it when we set out on our own. Her sacrificing had a self-destructive edge to it. I remember her saying things like “I wish I could suck the illness out of you and take it into myself.” She was passive-aggressively cruel to my father throughout my entire childhood, and tried to get my brother and me to take her side.

Good things my mother did: I saw grown-up plays, went to grown-up gallery openings, sat for my mother’s interesting artist friends… My school reports were always multimedia events, with paper-maiche elements and interpretive dance. My mother made me appreciate natural beauty, walking me out into the woods to visit a particularly amazing spider web, or waking me up in the middle of the night to see a meteor shower. We made masks, tapestries, costumes, gigantic murals… She had a crazy sense of humor and brought an aspect of drama to daily life, shrieking “run for your lives!” when crossing the street with us, pretending to fall asleep at the wheel while driving, sending us off with notebooks to spy on the neighbors, throwing carrots around the kitchen floor to make it look like the [name]Easter[/name] [name]Bunny[/name] had raided the vegetable drawer.
[name]Even[/name] though the expression of it was sometimes twisted, my mother’s incredible generosity has always been inspiring to me, and that’s the heart of our relationship.