Deciding to have a third child- tell me about your decision!

Parentberries
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[name_m]Hi[/name_m] Berries!

My husband and I have two and a half year old twins (that you helped me name. Thanks!!) and over the past couple of years have not been able to shake my interest in having another (for a lot of reasons that I won’t elaborate on right now in the interest of time, but feel free to ask if you like). After several long (hours long) conversations about the idea, I have finally gotten my husband to seriously consider it, but we have a lot more talking to do before we are going to be able to find common ground and ultimately make a decision.

I am curious about your decision to try for a third child (or even your decision NOT to). What factors were important to you? [name_f]Do[/name_f] you have any advice for someone about to make this decision?

All responses are welcome as I am interested in a variety of experiences and viewpoints, but particularly appreciated would be advice from other twin parents (it is sort of a unique situation for a variety of reasons).

One of our biggest concerns is navigating the financial load of 3 kids once we move back to the States, so we are also interested in hearing how Americans (living in the US) find the costs of 3 children as compared to 2.

(And yes, we are aware that having and fraternal twins there is something like a 10% chance that it would be #3 and #4, but for now we are trying to focus on the 90% chance that it would be a singleton that we would be welcoming into our family.)

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I’m not a mother but the oldest of three one of the main issues is my brother is five years younger than me and three years younger than my sister so he’s quite often alone and annoys and fights us just for attention. If the twins are quite close a third child might be by themselves a fair bit. Some people might enjoy that but other children might not I know personally I would have an even number of children. I think it is a choice you need to make on your own because no one else knows what is right for your family other than you.

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I’d like to read through your whys when you have time, it might also help you learn more about it yourself. (Or it helps me, I think best when I’m writing/typing) :smiley:

I went into our marriage wanting four kids, my husband is of the opinion two is perfect. He’s from a traditional nuclear family (mum, dad, brother, sister) and thinks that’s how all families should be. I’m from a sole-parent all woman family - my mother, sister and I - and I grew up knowing I had a half sister as well, which we later found. Having another sibling has been awesome. But maybe that’s just because we didn’t have to grow up together? I’m also very close to the sister I did grow up with, and wanted that for my kids, including being very close in age.

My wanting 4 and his wanting 2 lead to the relatively basic compromise of three kids. I have been a little worried that when the time came to have that third there would be some opposition, not just from the extended family but also from him, but as we’re expecting a second little girl, I’m hopeful that years of agreeing to three kids and the lure of a possible son will be enough to overcome that step from a “normal” family to a “large” one.

We’ll be living in [name_f]Canada[/name_f] and Australia (moving every 3-5 years) not the US, and the financial burden of not settling in one country was/is our greatest concern when it came to choosing the number of kids. We’ve talked a lot about ways to manage that financial burden and looked into what ways each country will help us with our kids. For example, we wont be putting large sums of money aside for their post-secondary educations, because Australia has a more-or-less interest-free loan system for students that they can take advantage of. It’s important to know what resources will be available to you in your area, and how much support you can expect from other family members (For example, my sister and I buy a lot of things together in bulk to lower shopping costs. She also buys the kids of the family way more than they need, so I know that our kids will never feel like they don’t “get” stuff)

I can’t see that one extra child will make a huge difference to us financially because we buy so much less STUFF than other people. We have to, because every few years we leave it behind/sell it/have to pay to cart it along; so our lifestyle is very minimalist. I think that lifestyle, and the lifestyle you want for your kids, is key. [name_f]Do[/name_f] you want to eat out once a week? [name_f]Do[/name_f] you want each kid to have their own phone/tablet/computer/whatever? Are you fine with second hand-clothes and furniture? [name_f]Do[/name_f] you have the skills to grow additional food/repair things yourself etc to save money? [name_f]Do[/name_f] you expect each adult to have their own car? All these things and more.

We’ve talked a lot about what we are willing to sacrifice in order to have that extra person to love and I think that’s important to look at. I don’t believe anyone can have it all, but there are things I’d like that I’m willing to give up/trade for a bigger family.
[name_f]Hope[/name_f] there was something useful in that ramble. I do get carried away, sorry.

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@mirimouse: yes, I also think by writing, which is why I had most of this already typed out as preparation for my conversations with my husband. :slight_smile:

Some of these reasons are more rational than others, but despite probably 2 years of trying, I can’t seem to shake the desire.

In no particular order…

I have ALWAYS been a kid person, and particularly a baby person. I was a babysitter at 11 and all throughout high school and college. I even worked in a preschool as a sub for a while. Bottom line. I love kids.

I feel like I missed out on getting to fully appreciate the infant stages because of the stress of having 2 infants at once. I by no means think that having two 4 year olds and an infant will give me the same experience as having only one infant by himself, but I do truly believe it will be easier than two infants at once. It is the closest option I have to getting that experience.

One thing that is very emotionally challenging for me about having twins is that every first is also a last. Yes, they may not walk on the exact same day, but within a few weeks they have both typically mastered something (particularly during the baby stages) and so I don’t really have the same anticipation of upcoming milestones or interesting experiences. (The first time to the swimming pool for one is probably the first time for the other as well.) Plus, with a first child you are sort of going it blind for the most part, but after you’ve been through it you have experience that would be exciting to get to use again. Another related factor is that with twins going through similar things at similar times, if some experience gets screwed up that is sort of it. An example from our family: potty training was ruined by huge conflicts with our preschool (yeah I know what you are thinking, who likes potty training? Well I was having fun with it until I had to try to convince the preschool to get involved), and I feel almost ill when I think about it because I am so angry (still! and the bulk of the main conflict was months ago). I don’t think I will ever be able to think about it without being so angry. But if I were to get another chance, I would be able to use my prior experience to avoid having the same problems as we had the first time around, and maybe heal some of the bitterness about this first attempt. And yes, I realize that no matter how many children you have, you will always have a last for everything, but there is something about the first and last happening at essentially the same time that is very difficult for me.

I was an exchange student for a year in high school and I joined a family of 5 siblings. The 6 of us had so much fun together (and actually still do, 15 years later! since my husband and I moved to [name_u]Sweden[/name_u] and now live about an hour away from that family). Of course there was conflict sometimes, but on the whole the chaos of the large family was thrilling and something I still enjoy when we all get together to this day. I also got a sort of a taste of this growing up because my mom has 9 siblings so extended family gatherings were always exciting.

I think one of the most amazing things a woman’s body can do is nurture a life. Despite an uncomfortable twin pregnancy with the last two months on modified bed rest I loved trying to conceive, becoming pregnant and the haze of the boys’ infancy. The past 3 years have been some of the happiest of my life. While I fully recognize that the pregnancy and infancy are short term aspects of the decision, they are hugely intense and influential aspects of motherhood and I can not simply write off my desire to go through them again as invalid.

We have started hanging out more with families with babies and I have seen how my boys react to them. It is adorable. Having a baby around brings out some of my favorite characteristics in my sons: generosity, kindness, thoughtfulness, helpfulness etc… The pride I see in their eyes when they help out younger kids makes me happy. They like filling the role of the older, more capable person in a relationship, something they haven’t had much opportunity to do in their short lives thus far.
While I am not naïve about siblings and their pension for jealousy, I do think that my existing children could benefit from the experience of being the older brothers. (And yes, I worry about how a third child would feel with older twin siblings, but every individual has such unique personalities it is impossible to say whether that would be a problem or not. My twins are so different my husband and I have joked half seriously that we hope they stay friends later in life. Who knows, one of them could really bond to his little brother or sister…)

Another reason I would like a third child is the chance of having a daughter. Horrible, I know, but hear me out. My husband and I both love the idea of a daughter, but if we ended up with another son we would also be happy. Each person is an individual with a unique set of interests and characteristics so it is not so simple as all sons are like this and all daughters are like that. I could not love my existing boys any more than I do, and would have the same love for any future sons or daughters. When I was pregnant the first time I kept copious notes about everything I was going through. At our 18 week scan, when we found out they were both boys, we were both excited, but I noticed that I stopped writing about my pregnancy. Only later I realized that I had been writing for my daughter so she would have a sense of my experience when it came to be her time should she choose to have children. There is a deep connection between a parent an any child, but I think the nature of that connection can be different depending on the gender of the child. Not any more or less for any gender, but just the potential to be different and I would like the chance to have a connection with a daughter. (That said, I am not going to continue trying until I get a daughter. Three kids would be a stretch for us, so I recognize that if we tried again and got a boy I think I would accept that my chances would be over and I would pour all my love and affection into my 3 boys. I would like another chance for a girl, if that makes sense. )

We had our children an ocean away from our families and having a third child would give us the option to potentially raise a child closer to his or her grandparents. I think it would mean a lot to our parents. Again, not a complete reason to bring a child into the world, but something we have thought about.

I have come to realize that family is my most important priority. I am so grateful that I was able to be home with our children for so long after they were born (14 months) and that we live in a society where we are able to earn a living wage with me only working half time. The money is not as important to me as time with family. Of course, I want to have enough to feed and clothe my children and have enough to splurge sometimes on travel or a new toy, but we are definitely not ‘stuff’ people. (I totally recognized what you were describing about ‘leave behind/ sell/ pay to cart it along’ mirimouse!) Of course finances would be tighter with 3 than with 2, but in my mind the love and joy and we would gain from another family member would provide a richer experience than the extra money would have. Our biggest financial worry is college tuition…

When I try to look at it rationally I see lots of reasons not to have a third child, but I feel like I will regret it for the rest of my life if I don’t have the opportunity to have another kid.

OK, novel finished. :slight_smile: And I still really want to hear other people’s experiences grappling with this issue!

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Thank you so much for sharing that experience, I love finding out how other people think about things. :slight_smile:

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We only have two but would like a third at some point for many of the same reasons you listed (I love babies, pregnancy, love watching my kids interact and enjoying a general feeling of chaos) but for us I know this may sound silly but I would really eventually like to have grandchildren. It seems to me that more and more people are choosing not to have children and I would never want to pressure my children into having kids but I figure if we have three it’s fairly likely that one will choose to have children. We don’t have twins and already have a boy and a girl. When my daughter was born I had moments wondering what had a I done having a second child since there were times where it was really crazy and my son had a rough adjustment. But there are other moments that I look at my kids and think WOW I am so glad we have both of them and that they have each other. I would assume it would be the same with a third.
We live in the US and on one income. Money is fairly tight right now but we still are able to meet all our needs and have money for some extras (occasionally eating out, annual cheap vacations and saving money for our children’s college education). We realize that some of these things might need to be adjusted for a third but since we already have a boy and a girl there won’t be many things we’ll need to buy. We plan to save the same amount for college but it’ll be split three ways instead of two ways, which might not be fair but when I eventually go back to work we plan to pick up on the saving. We live in a small by American standards house and most likely the big thing for us with adding a third is that we aren’t moving anytime soon unless my husband gets a really awesome new job or something.

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[name_m]Just[/name_m] wanted to butt in as another non-mother:
I am a twin. My twin sister and I are three years older than our younger brother. As much as I complain that he’s annoying (it’s sort of my right ;)), I really, really love having another sibling. It means there’s always someone to play cards with, go swimming with, conspire with, etc. I’m so glad that I have him! My parents were actually wondering about a 4th (which I would have loved), but they were worried they might end up with 5 and that’s where they drew the line!
So - as the older twin sibling, I would recommend it! :wink:

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@jem: Thank you SO much for sharing your experience! One of my husbands top fears (other than the financial and his own time constraints) is that the boys won’t be interested in a sibling. While every family is unique, it is nice to hear that it works out well for some!

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Babies are lovely, and I almost always think that people ought to have more if they want to.

[name_m]Just[/name_m] one question- if you had another set of twin boys, would you be happy about that? I think that your chance of having multiples again is quadrupled or something since you have already had one set.

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I am one of two. I have brother who is six years younger than me. My Mum got pregnant in between my brother and I; but unfortunately there were complications and the baby died. I grew up in a very large family, my Mum is one of ten, so she was an aunt before she was even born. Growing up we were always surrounded by cousins and due to a few different reasons we had many of them living with us on-off for most of our childhood. Particularly my Mum’s old sister’s children as they were very close and at times, lived rurally so they would stay with us. My aunt had a son who was six months younger than me and a daughter a year older than my brother. So we could all relate fairly easily to one another. Basically my brother and I grew up as two of four for the most part. They were with us on holidays, birthdays etc. And then my aunt died in 2010, so now they still come over weekly or every second weekend (depending if their free as the oldest works/drives.) Looking back at that experience, I don’t think I could ever have less than three when I have children, because I remember how great it was to be one of four. Plus, my brother and I are incredibly close, so that always made things easier. I know that’s a very specialized point of view; but I hope it helps :slight_smile:

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We are expecting no.3 in a couple of months. We don’t live in the US or have twins.

We are both the middle child of three and always planned to have three ourselves. We are very close to our siblings, and cannot [name_f]Imagine[/name_f] not providing the opportunity for our children to have the same sibling relationships that we have.

We definitely have some concerns about $ but we figure we would hate to not have a third child for the sake of money, when we can always increase our income later when they are older (I am not currently working but worked in a high paid profession before so I know I can earn well if I return to work). We have great family support and are very lucky to not have any major health or development challenges with our two kids so far, so we went ahead with the plan.

I would say we were both pretty certain. We just didn’t really think our family was complete with just two kids. I would be wary of taking the plunge if your husband is not truly convinced. There are many inconveniences with a family of five (as compared to four) enough to cause resentment if someone felt bullied/guilted into it.

Our kids are currently 4 and 1. The youngest will be 18mths when the new bub arrived.

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thanks everyone for your thoughts.

@tarynkay: I have spent a long time thinking about similar situations to the one you are describing and I am pretty convinced that I would still be excited. Maybe a bit nervous about all the intense work in the beginning, but excited. I think the only bad part would be that I know how hard it was on my husband (not really a baby person) and I don’t want him to have to go through that again. But I love it and would do it again without question. Now does that mean twins is what I am hoping for? No way, but if it happened I would just be happy to have my two new wonderful additions.

@sodallas3: Thanks for sharing your experience. It is nice to hear about situations where kids grow up surrounded by other kids and go on to want more than 2 for themselves.

@march: That is my biggest concern- making my husband feel guilted into it. But it is a conundrum because I feel so deeply that I want another. No one in his family as far back as we know about has ever had more than two which is probably part of why he feels it is the obvious number of kids to have. We are working on talking through the issue and will definitely not proceed until both partners are fully behind the decision. (But it is such a difficult thing to work through because the possibility for compromise is so limited…) And I share your thoughts that I would hate not to have another child for financial reasons when income can be increased once the kids are older. I am working part time right now but am educated in a field where I could be hired full time pretty quickly almost anywhere. Not a super high paying job but still a job with a decent wage.

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I am currently pregnant with our 2nd and last baby. Our decision is mostly financial. We are not hurting for money, but we want it to stay that way. We want to be able to retire at a decent age, which will be after the kids are done with college. If we had a 3rd, we would be 33-34 years old, and that’s too old for me. We will be happy not wanting things we can’t afford, not paying for more than one baby in daycare at a time, and being able to fit everyone into a regular 4 door car.

We are both one of three, and we thought for about 2 seconds about maybe having three, but easily decided on only 2. Sex of the 2nd will not play into the decision. The only way I would even consider having a third is if this baby is born with unforseen complications or special needs. In that case, I would want my first to have another sibling to offer care and make decisions in the future, if that time would come.

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@zaelia
Then I think you should go for it! I agree about the financial aspect- you can always make more money, but you can’t always have more kids. Not to say that you shouldn’t take finances into account, but it sounds like you have done that already.

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Last night my husband asked if we could talk again and he said he has thought a lot about what it would take to change his mind and what it might take to change mine. He said he has come to realize that there really is nothing that can change my mind. He said he also realizes that his concerns about having a third are not guaranteed to manifest into problems while my sadness at not having a third is definitely something the he sees as an issue. He ended by saying that he thinks the only way to solve the issue is to go for a third child. I would like for him to be more solidly on board, but when I pressed him on it, he just said that in the overall scheme of our family he feels this is the best decision. So I am starting to let myself get excited! But we do need to do some planning because I am about to start a new job next week, so the timing is pretty bad…

Thanks to everyone for sharing your experience!

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My husband and I have decided to have 4 kids. I know that seems like a lot, but the town I come from 4 kids is probably more common than 2 or 3 kids. My husband and I both have degrees where we can work and make a decent living, and I choose to stay home mostly and work part time while our kids are young, and sacrificie financially so I can do that. As our kids get older I can work more and help earn money for things like extra curricular activities, new school clothes, etc. We have 3 young kids and are able to save some for retirement, kids college, pay a little extra on our mortgage, and be debt free. We’ve never had a car payment, but we’ve also driven inexpensive vehicles, followed a budget, ad only recently got one cell phone to share. We rarely eat out and mostly cook meals at home. We save up for special things like vacations and bigger purchases. To me having to be more frugal is totally worth it to have a larger family. I grew up with only 3 kids in my family, and all my friends had bigger families like 5 or more kids and I always wished I had another sibling. The relationships far out weigh having more “stuff”. I’d rather my kids have less stuff, and have a PT job and learn to pitch in and have that extra relationship. My wise father in law (one of the best people I know with his money who was a teacher and raised 5 kids) said don’t not have another kid because of money. It will work out. I guess it depends on each person too.

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I come from a family where there are 2 kids (my brother and I are 18 months apart). I always wished I had another sibling because I love my brother a lot, and just wish there was one more. I am the older of the two of us, so I would give almost anything for an older sister - but really, I would love any sibling. My parents, brother and I went out for dinner a while ago, and at the restaurant we saw a family with 4 kids, all between the ages of maybe 2-7. At first, we were like, that’s a lot of kids! But the both my parents said they wished they’d had another kid.
When I’m older, I want to have 3 kids. Sure, 5 isn’t the perfect number 4 is, but wouldn’t it be worth it for another sibling? Actually, here’s my plan: go to university, get a job and get rich. Get married and move to the country side where it’s less expensive to live, and have lots of kids. 3 would be lovely for in the city, but if I could move to the country and have a big yard and big house, then I would want more like 4 or 5 kids!

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I’d love three… I grew up with one sister and not many cousins and I was always jealous of large close nit families… I’d even consider four if we started a bit younger I’m almost thirty so age is a factor for me.

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I can understand why people give to advice of “[name_m]Don[/name_m]'t NOT have another kid because of money. It will work out.” But, in reality, I don’t want it to just “work out.” I don’t think it is selfish to not have third kid because we want to live comfortably. My husband and I were both very poor growing up. We were well taken care of and had everything we needed, but we also knew what it was like to not be able to get things we wanted. We both got an education and good paying jobs, and for us, having two kids will allow us to live comfortably and be able to provide everything we can for our children. I am not personally attacking anyone here or belittling anyone else’s posts or reasons, but I think that saying wanting to live comfortably as a reason for having only two kids can be looked down upon and makes someone like us out to be a worse person than one who wants to stretch and save and have more kids.

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@stephykneejo
I don’t think that you are being selfish at all. Wanting to live comfortably is great. If you really really wanted to have more kids and your only reason for NOT having more was because you were fearful about finances, then (assuming you were asking my opinion) I would say, “don’t worry stephykneejo! It will all work out!”

But that is not what it sounds like you are saying. It sounds like you are happy with two children for many reasons and that part of that is the careful consideration you’ve given to their futures and to your entire family’s happiness and security.