Depression and baby fever

Parentberries
1

Okay, so some background: I’m 21 years old and in school (will be in school for quite awhile). I am single.

[name]Every[/name] time I hear about someone else my age range getting pregnant/having a baby, I get depressed. I feel like I’m never going to have a baby, and life is passing me by. I will be in undergrad for six years (please don’t judge) and I plan on going to grad school. But I sort of don’t even want to go, b/c motherhood is important and I don’t want to be in my thirties just starting ttc.

I’ve always suffered from depression but the fact that everyone else seems to be pregnant and/or married and using names that I adore just upsets me sometimes.

I don’t want to drop out to have a baby, but I also don’t feel as though I will ever find a decent father for my kid (I’m planning on using a sperm bank) or ever finish school. I don’t have any close friends who would let me watch their baby or anything, so I don’t really have much of an “outlet.” I just feel like my time will never come.

Does anyone else feel this way? I’m not getting any younger and I will be at least 26-27 when I’m finished with a Master’s, and I feel that is just never going to come.

2

[name]Honey[/name], you are so young. I know exactly how you feel though. When I was an ER tech and a pre-med student several years ago, everytime a co-worker would get pregnant, I’d get so jealous. I was jealous that they were going through pregnancy, which seemed like such a blessing and a miracle. I was jealous that they’d get to be a mom. I was jealous of their relationship with their husband. I always wanted kids and a big family but also wanted to go to med school and felt as if I could not do both. But I did. There is hope.

I did not have my first daughter until I was 31 and at the end of my residency. I had my twins this [name]September[/name], and I am 33. I plan on having 1 or two more. I’m not old, and I don’t feel old. I’m glad I waited now. I was able to experience so much in my life that I would not have been able to experience if I had to financially support children. I went away to med school in another state. I met my husband and we spent years traveling and hiking together. We made a lot of friends inside and outside of our marriage and saved up money for a fairly large house. We saved up to be able to support our future kids. When the time came, we had our children, and I am so glad I waited. The fact that I was not only financially but also emotionally ready to support my children is an amazing blessing.

Your time for motherhood will come, and it is closer than you think. You are so young and are yet to meet your prince charming. At age 21 you are not emotionally and probably not financially ready to support your children. I assume you are going to school because you are chasing a career that you want to pursue. Keep this as your short term goal, and children as your long term. You don’t have to settle for a sperm donor! You are jumping the gun. You [name]WILL[/name] find your prince charming. You will have children of your own. [name]Just[/name] wait it out. You are so young, you don’t even realize it.

3

You are very young, like a pp said. You have tons of time to think about having children. I know about the school situation because I had my DS when I was 23 and in college. I decided to stop going for the time being since I wanted to be a stay at home mom for my son. Maybe I will go back when he is older, but right now I like what I am doing. Some may not agree with that but that is what I liked.

You are 21. You may meet the person you want to be with and have children with next year. You never know what the future will bring. Plus, it isn’t the worst thing to have children and go to school. It is stressful, but women have done it before and they will keep doing it. [name]Don[/name]'t put too much pressure on yourself right now to have a baby. [name]Just[/name] be patient, your time will come.

4

[name]Hi[/name],

I agree with the previous poster. I am 25 and have had similar feelings.
I was very lucky to meet my husband so young and have been married for 4 years. But seeing friends having babies has made me jealous. The reasons for us waiting are that my husband is very level headed and wants to wait until we are in a better position financially and we have had our share of freedom with out children. After 5 years of marriage we should be ready - so I now have something to look forward to in the near future.

I am very guilty of this but lurking around baby name sites really just makes things worse! I have been doing this for a couple of years. Maybe if you gave yourself a break from it and threw yourself into some other hobby you could give yourself a break emotionally.

Whenever I feel a bit low - I focus on the now. What positive things there are in your life at the moment. What do you have to be grateful for? Health, family, friends. That band that you love or that great feeling after going for a walk.

You are young and have your life ahead of you to have a great job, travel, meet Mr. Right and enjoy yourself.

Seeing a psychologist may help also. I went to one last year and she helped me see that my dreams were not as far off as they seemed. All the best love!

5

I agree. You are still so young. My first was born when I was 23 and while we love him, having him young (I was fresh out of college when I got pregnant) was for certain difficult on many levels. I think its normal to have the “grass is alwats greener” mentality. I recently spent time with my sisters sister in law who is 24 and she was lamenting to us how she wishes she was married with kids erc. [name]Both[/name] my sister and I admitted that we wished to live her life for a day. Sleeping until 10am, slowly getting out of bed and going to a fun job being able to spend the money on extras after bills and have weekends off, truly off! I love my place in life now, but there are days when I think of sleep, precious sleep, and making a yoga class that does not involve my 3 year old if you kwim.

Dont force it, enjoy your place now and livein the now. I wilo admit to spending my younger years not doing this and waiting for the next step and wondering when it will happen. Use this time to prepare yourself to be your future self whatever that may be. I do not regret my 20’s and thankfully my husband and I have grown up together instead of growing in different directions and he has been able to pursue career goals normally reserved to the “before kids” catagory for many BS two months before [name]Seb[/name] was born, masters in education in 2008 and is currently in the process of taking classes for his
mba…yes, people joke we “do things the hard way”. And in a way, they are right, the school thing is do-able but much harder with kids in tow.

6

And I also want to add that most women I know are having kids in their late 20’s/ early 30’s. Back in 2002, I was an odd demographic of a mom…college educated, married before pregnancy (not for long, we had a “small % that the bcp doesnt work even when used properly” baby!) young mom. Found I didnt “fit” in many social circles of other moms due to these factors and now that my oldest is ten its not that big of a deal, but I am still one of the younger moms at their school for having kids the age I do. All this to say, even if you are 30 when you have your first, it does not mean you have missed out or anything as most educated women are in fact waiting until they are that age to have their first too.

My DH’ s mom was 35 when he was born, and he was the youngest of 3. Always had the “old mom” as he remembers from PTA etc, but now like I said, most women are around that age having young ones so its not unusual in the least. The moms of [name]Seb[/name] and B’s friends are all early to mid 40’s except one who is a year older than me (with an 8 year old) and they think its so funny I graduated hs in 1997. They attend a small private school, so I am sure that in a larger more diverse population of a public school that you wilo find moms who are having kids younger, just giving you my current experience so you realize you have plenty of time. :slight_smile:

7

Totally agree. My best friend just got married and she has a terrible case of baby fever right now and how she was jealous of me, and I said “Honestly, I wish I could have your life for a few days” I miss being able to stay up until 4 or 5 am, going out all the time, going to the movies or dinner on a whim… I do miss the “baby free” life. But I also love my life right now too, I’m so proud of my daughter and being a young mom (I’m 25) is cool and I am debating on when to have our second (last) child, because I want to be as young as possible. But you can never take advice to heart 100% from other people, I understand your feelings because I had baby fever like crazy when I was 21-22, but I was in a serious relationship at the time. I think the sperm bank idea is kind of silly. You’re only 21, what makes you think you won’t find the man of your dreams in the next few years? It’s very rare to find your perfect match so early in life (I was lucky) so just let things come as they are, enjoy your life now being young and single and free!

8

Oh wow! You are a doctor? What kind of doctor, may I ask? I’m very impressed.

You are right. I’m neither financially or emotionally ready for a baby, and I won’t be for the next three to six years. I guess it is because I see a bunch of other girls my age and even younger having a second or third baby (which is kind of outrageous, I realize). But I guess I get jealous, especially since my cousin who is a month younger than me is already settling down. She was due next month but lost the baby, and I suspect that she will continue TTCing very soon.

I guess I just don’t feel very young. I would like to have all of my children before thirty-five (not that thirty-five is old, but it is more of a preference).

9

[name]How[/name] is the idea of going to a sperm bank silly?

I’m not a very social person and have trust issues in regards to relationships that I just don’t see it happening. But I don’t want to miss out on motherhood too.

10

Honestly, I think it might be a good idea for you to get referred to a psychologist for a bit.
21 is young, and even though no 21 year olds think they’re young, they are.
I think that if you have depression, having a baby will not be a cure for that. You should get that under control beforehand, as that will only be a benefit to your children.
It does worry me that one of your reasons for wanting to get pregnant now is because you’re afraid someone’ll steal your names. Maybe talking to someone would help you prioritize your thoughts? Honestly, becoming a parent for the purpose of using a name before someone else in your circle does isn’t a good enough reason if you aren’t emotionally or financially ready. It does sound like you realize that, though.
When I was in high school, I had very emotionally destructive baby fever. It almost ruined me, honestly. I went to a psychologist for 3 years for it, and while it wasn’t a miracle-maker, it helped a lot to be able to talk about wanting to be a mother, and not get judged for it. I’ve learned how to manage it a lot better over the past 6 years.

Maybe you could volunteer at a preschool or a primary school? I have always wanted to be a mother, but I’ve recently started practice teaching with a grade 1 class and it is EXHAUSTING. I can’t even imagine going home to kids that age after being with 20 of them all day long. I don’t have time to do anything at night except lesson plan and have a shower before I need to go to bed. I love teaching grade 1, though, and kids that age are fantastically fun, so if you can volunteer with a class, try it and maybe it’ll help wear you out. I do find that doing this reassures me that I’ll be a great mom when the time comes, but that time is not now (I’m definitely not financially ready for it. And I’m single, and I’d rather not be, though I’m not a good relationship person, so I’m just letting that situation play out.)

I have changed an INCREDIBLE amount in the past 3 years (I’m 25 now). You will, too. Honestly, I am nowhere near the same person I was in my 1st or 2nd year of undergrad. I was the girl who took 5 hours to psych herself up enough to go get a coffee on campus and did her laundry in the sink to avoid having to interact with people, and now I’m the girl who went by herself to live in the Basque Country, never having been that far north in Spain and with no inkling of what Basque sounded like.
Anyway, 2 of my closest cousins didn’t have kids until their mid 30s, there was no pressure on them from family to get married or have kids any younger. I feel like since I’ve seen how much time I actually have, I don’t need to be in a big rush. I’m 25, and sure, I have a couple friends with kids, and a bunch of friends who are married or engaged, but that isn’t what’s right for me at this time in my life. Sure, I’d [name]LOVE[/name] to be married and be a mother right now, but I have time for that, and right now I need to finish my education and be financially independent before I can start putting someone before myself.

I would actually put money on you changing in the next few years. I know you feel like you’re short on time, but you aren’t. Graduate, be gainfully employed, enjoy being by yourself and find out who you are apart from your mothering instinct, because that matters, too. You can want to parent, but also want other things in life. You don’t have to choose, especially when one of the options isn’t actually feasible at this point.

I do know exactly how you feel, though. I’ve been there, and it sucks more than I can ever explain, but waiting until you can give your kids everything you want to give them is a good decision. Everything you do now, you’re doing for your kids in some way, so do everything you can because in the end, it will matter to your children down the road.
[name]Feel[/name] free to PM me any time! It does help a lot to talk about it.

11

I’m 21 and just recently married, but I don’t plan on having kids till we have a good stable home, so probably not for another couple of years. I would suggest talking to a close friend or family member about how you feel. We are both young, but I don’t think that’s kind of a fair reason since biologically speaking, we can get pregnant as early as 11! So it’s probably natural that by our 20’s we start thinking about babies. There is also known health risks for having children past age 35.

Personally, I think I would hold out until you are around the age of 30. You might meet someone! If you have one now, I think you might regret it since you would have to give up going to school/your career. You could hire a nanny, but I don’t think that’s what you want from the sounds of it since you seem to want to raise your child yourself.

12

You should definitely finish school first. Taking on single motherhood is tough–you’ll want to have the ability to earn enough to support you and the baby. You’ll need savings ahead of time to pay medical bills and tide you over maternity leave, since there will be no partner’s income to live on during that time. And the comments that you will change and grow over the next few years I agree with as well. When I was about your age, still in school myself, I was overcome with baby fever as well. I had a goal set that I’d have my first child by 28 at the latest. Well, that came and went, and after my fiancee and I broke up in 2010, I was very discouraged. But now I am 32 and having my first child in a few months. At this point I can see the things that weren’t apparent to me 10 years ago. All my wild oats are sewn, I have an education and job history that will allow me to provide for this child on my own, and I have matured into someone confident and strong enough to do this without a husband. I know it hurts to want a baby badly and see what seems like everyone around you getting what you want, but part of being a good mom is preparation. Not everyone gets the chance to plan ahead, but there’s a difference between accidentally having a baby before you’re ready and doing it on purpose. I’m already worried I won’t get to see this child as much as I want and I know, at least for me, that if I’d had him before I finished school I would have wound up working more hours at lower-paying jobs to make ends meet and that would have broken my heart.

13

I know a bit how you feel, since I come from a part of the country where people marry young and start families early. I went to many weddings that summer after college graduation, and even though I was excited about my future, part of me was wistful and worried that perhaps I would be left out of the ‘musical chairs’ that is the dating and mating game if I waited too long.

Fast-forward. Those friends who married at 22 completed their families by 30. They’ve bought their houses, long since finished their education/training, and are in every way settled. There are no more mysteries left in their life-- all the big pieces have come into place, and they’re simply sitting back waiting for their lives to unfold. The children will grow, they’ll go off to school, their husbands will retire, perhaps they’ll sell that house and buy a condo, etc etc etc. It’s stultifying and frankly terrifying to contemplate, personally.

Between the two of us, my husband and I have 9 degrees (3 bachelors, 3 Masters, an MD, a PhD and a JD). I’ve lived and worked on four continents and traveled to six. I have friends literally all over the world. I’m met a slew of luminaries, I’ve had experiences ranging from falling in a crevasse in the Nepali Himalayas to shoving my hands in the open chest of a gunshot victim in an attempt to restart his heart to delivering babies by candlelight to chatting with [name]Prince[/name] [name]Charles[/name] at a cocktail party. And I have a wonderful baby son.

If I’d married at 22, I would have foregone literally all of that. If I’d had a baby in medical school, I probably wouldn’t have decided to train as a surgeon.

Yes, you should try to start your family before age 35 for fertility and congenital anomaly reasons. But simply because you haven’t met anyone by age 21 you’d like to partner up with (in a relatively small circle of a single university) doesn’t mean you won’t as your world gets larger.

14

This post is full of inaccurate assumptions I don’t know where to start.

15

I too have traveled the world, and tbh, the world doesn’t mean a thing if I don’t have anyone to share it with. Yeah, traveling was fun, but I was also a single traveler and somewhat lonely too.

I also don’t have wishes to become a doctor. I don’t have the brains for it. [name]Hence[/name] why I’m in nursing school, and even that is a struggle for me.

16

I’m not waiting until thirty just in hopes of finding a guy that may or may not exist. That’s completely against my feminist views.

17

Hey, obviously you don’t have to replicate my experiences. I just divulged all those details in order to share how different my life would have been if I’d started a family much earlier. I had no idea what I’d end up doing when I was 21/22, and I’m very happy things unfolded the way they did. There were some lonely times since I didn’t seriously date anyone until graduate school, but I’m happy.

And speaking as a doctor to a future nurse-- if you are suspicious about depression, have you sought some treatment?

18

I didn’t say you had to wait till you find someone, that’s taking out of context, I said “might” and added that you “might” end up regretting the decision. It is far better to wait than to act on an emotion without thinking it all the way through…

19

I’d rather not discuss all the details in public but yes, I have. And I haven’t found anything that works. Treatment doesn’t work for everyone.

I’m glad things worked out for you.

20

? Okay…I’ve obviously though things through, hence why I’m still in school and putting off TTCing. But thanks.