My friend recently pointed me to this old article which I found super interesting.
I am prone to both depression and anxiety and I find that I do better in times where I feel I have a “mission”. I have always thought that motherhood would bring more challenges in terms of coping with mental health but sometimes I am optimistic that it will not be the case. If any berries have experience with either, I would be so interested in hearing how they deal with being a parent or wanting to be?
I think it’s frightening to want to raise children when you are not the best at dealing with everyday situations, but I do think having children will/would make me happy and I feel confident I have a lot to give.
(For those who want to skip the article, the main premise is: for some women, becoming a mother actually helped alleviate their anxiety issues and/or feelings of depression)
I have anxiety as well as low confidence and other symptoms of depression. I’m currently getting counselling for it. I’m WTTC till my wedding in fall 2016 and I think it will help me feel better when I’m a mom. I haven’t been sleeping well for a long time and recently I started getting panic attacks in my sleep. I feel better as well when I have a goal. It keeps my mind off things. I always have to be productive or doing something, so I feel that way in that regard. It’s like I always feel the need to have something to focus on and not let my mind wander and worry and give me anxiety, if that makes sense. I’m interested to see what people have to say on your thread. It’s a good topic.
Though it’s hard to know which way this will go for you, I have known women for whom the hormonal surge of pregnancy/lactation kind of evens out their anxiety issues. At least till they stop breastfeeding and then it is a big adjustment and some have had to restart meds at that point. Of course, it can go the other way, too. The good news is that there are plenty of pregnancy/breastfeeding safe meds, should you need them.
There is so much in raising kids that is beyond our control. I feel like last time the adoption process helped us learn to cope with the anxiety ahead of time, somewhat, at least. This time, I feel like pregnancy is doing that. Nearly everything that is happening is beyond my control. It’s good practice for raising tiny unpredictable amazingly resiliant yet terrifyingly fragile humans.
Thanks for this. I don’t know how to feel about it, but I hope it’s true. I’m pregnant with #1, and it’s been tough at times. I’ve been preparing myself for the idea that I might deal with PPD since I have a personal and family history of depression just like the author… no one ever warned me about perinatal depression. The hormones have such a strong effect on my moods and I don’t always handle it well. But I will say even though baby boy isn’t here yet, I already feel like I have to keep getting up in the morning, eating well, showering, just generally taking care of myself for his sake. So I can see how that does help when you’re a mother. I don’t know if it’s been proven or anything, but I know for myself personally, in the past if I “gave in” to being depressed, not eating, staying in bed all day, it was a FAST downward slide from there. If I forced myself to get up, get dressed, feed myself - I wasn’t cured, but I felt better.
I will say the line about the “luxury of depression” annoyed the ever-living daylights out of me. [name_f]Busy[/name_f] people get depressed all the time, it doesn’t just happen to people who lay around all day. But my anxiety can find a way to sneak into my everyday life no matter what I’m doing or how busy I am, so maybe the author’s brain is wired differently, IDK.
I definitely think having a baby helped me to take self-care more seriously. Like others said, I used to do behaviors associated with depression like not eating, sleeping during the day, not following sleep patterns, avoiding confrontation, skipping meds, etc. When I had my daughter, it became easier to say “well I need to eat so I can take care of her and not be cranky” versus “I should eat or it’s not healthy”. It’s easier to care about myself when I’m depressed than it was before.
That said, it doesn’t feel like it’s much easier or I’m less depressed because of her, although my family does bring me happiness when little else does. It just feels like I have more motivation to take care of myself. It’s not easier to handle life, but it’s a lot harder to give up, if that makes sense.
I really appreciate the honesty and insights in these answers.
@tarynkay, learning to let go and accept things that are out of your control is so difficult at times!
@greyer, It seems like the hormones that go with pregnancy, especially the first trimester, can really do a number on you. I’m sorry for those struggles and hope you are being kind to yourself. I totally agree that busy people get depressed too and that sentence sounds a little condescending. In my case however, not having a structure to my time makes everything harder. There’s the underlying issue of anxiety/depression that exists no matter how busy I am, but some situations (like my current in-between-job-ness) really do make it harder to self-care properly and give me too much time to dwell on my anxiety. It’s the same when it comes to being busy but being unsatisfied with what I am doing. I guess there are natural ups and downs of life that have to do with your situation, and those are different than a mental health issue but can really feed into it and make it worse.
@leadmythoughts, I really appreciate that distinction and I do think it is important. The finding it harder to give up totally makes sense to me. Honestly meeting my SO had that effect on me a little bit, he makes me feel like I make his life better, and that helps me take better care of myself, but he is also a fully functioning independent adult and doesn’t need me to take care of him so it’s very different. I can just begin to imagine how being responsible for a little one motivates you through harder cycles.
Thank you also @tilelli for sharing your experience, how wonderful that your little one helps you feel so steady!
I feel strongly that having children shouldn’t be something you do to fix your life (or relationship) and I will try hard not to set expectations either way, but I do find hearing these accounts up-lifting. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
Hopefully @_theresa, if/when we do become mothers, our anxieties will settle into more manageable patterns. I wish for you to resolve some of the sleep issues soon, those really take a toll on me too.
This.
I suffer from depression (and got pretty serious PND with my second birth) as well as dealing with a social anxiety disorder.
I find children quite stressful and draining. The crying really gets to me, as does the feeling of having no time to be myself that comes with having a very young baby. Over-all, I’d say parenting makes the depression harder rather than easier. When I have a bad day it’s 100 times harder to get through while having to be an adult than it was when I could just hide from the world and let it pass. It’s harder to keep it together and to manage my anger because the pressure from the kids is intense. They need a lot, all the time, and sometimes I feel like I have nothing else I can give.
With that said, I do have better motivation to take care of myself and I think while more intense my episodes are shorter over all.
From an anxiety perspective, having kids has helped a lot. They make me leave the house, talk to strangers, make appointments over the phone etc, panic attacks be damned. There’s no option, as so I have to push though more often than not. It’s been a real benefit. Additionally, I’m tireder and grumpier now as a mum so I don’t have as much energy to worry about what people might think of me or to care if they think I’m strange and unlikeable. I have two little people who think I’m a hero, and that goes a long way towards giving me confidence
