DH shared names with my ILs :-(

General Name Discussion
1

We had decided not to share. His mom is super pushy though. I don’t blame him for telling her, she is really pushy.

But now she calls the baby “girl name” “boy name” like it’s all one word.

And I hate it.

Not the names, I still like those. I just hate that she knows and uses them like the baby is here and is so casual about it.

I want to completely discard the names we’d pretty much decided on. I wanted to have the baby, and be able to “introduce” him or her to all the family, etc. I think it’s so awesome to MEET a new baby for the first time and find out what to call him/her for the rest of his/her life. I don’t know.

I need you all to tell me I am being irrational. It’s silly to have this reasoning to throw away perfectly good names. We haven’t even 100% decided on middle names yet. But we were pretty excited about the first names.

My husband did tell his mom tonight that we aren’t sharing the names with anyone, so please go back to calling the baby by its nickname, and not to ask anymore. BUT he has asked her not to bring it up before and she still does.

I don’t know where these feelings are coming from. His parents live 5 minutes from us, and are very active in our lives. My parents live ~2 hours from us and we see them a lot less. Our wedding was in my ILs’ state, my parents had to travel and stay in a hotel for it, etc. My parents didn’t really get the chance to plan with us or go to appts., etc. His parents went to EVERYTHING b/c they are so close. So I thought that when we got pregnant, we’d include my parents more, so they wouldn’t feel so left out. It’s been hard though b/c we see his parents so much. So I think part of this is b/c I wanted to have my parents more involved, and now I feel like it’s our wedding all over again.

Wow, writing that out makes me feel really petty and selfish.

What do you think? Am I being silly? [name]Don[/name]'t be too hard on me. :frowning: Thanks for letting me get this out. I probably put this in the wrong forum but I don’t go to any of the others! Sorry in advance for that.

2

When I first read the title I assumed your mil was trying to change your mind on the names. So she liked the names I take it? I would just be happy with that. [name]Imagine[/name] how much worse it would be if she was constantly trying to talk you into picking something different. If you want to make thing fair then maybe you can tell your parents the names you have chosen. You cant take back the fact that your mil now knows the names and chosing different names just seems silly. Best wishes.

3

I know it makes the whole process anti-climatic when you were looking forward to the “big reveal”, but I certainly wouldn’t change your names for that reason. You want to [name]LOVE[/name] the name of your child for a lifetime, not just at that moment when you reveal it for the first time. If you found and picked a new name, the novelty of it would quickly fade, and you may be left with a name you don’t love quite as much.
But I do understand what you mean – my sister announced the name of her children right after the 20 wk gender ultrasound. By the time they were born, there were no ‘surprises’ left. It didn’t make them any less special, of course…but I enjoyed revealing the names when my children were born. It adds some anticipation to an already exciting moment.

You could always tell your [name]MIL[/name] that those names aren’t set in stone, and you have a different list now. You could even share with her new ‘fake favorite’ names on your list to throw her off a little. In the end you can go back to the originals, and it will be an unexpected surprise for everyone when the baby is born. We got tired of our families constantly bothering us about names, so we finally told our in-laws that it was between [name]Audrey[/name] and [name]Mara[/name] (we loved both names, but little did they know, the names fell off the short list mid-way through the pregnancy). We ended up with something completely different in the end, which made for a fun surprise because they were expecting a [name]Mara[/name] or an [name]Audrey[/name] :wink: .

4

I like pp’s idea of telling [name]MIL[/name] that you haven’t really decided and mentioning some others on the list. This might help enforce your request to go back to calling the baby by its nickname, and you still get the first real introduction. I don’t think you’re being petty at all about feeling like your parents are left out. Pregnancy is definitely one of those times that you want to talk to your own mother more than anyone else’s (even well-meaning) mother.

Good luck!

5

Like your wedding, this is something you have to take control of if you want it your way, and I don’t mean that as a bad thing. My wedding…ugh…my mom took over and did whatever she wanted and it wasn’t what I wanted but I was too nice about it. Same thing with the baby’s name and even his birth (don’t get me started about doctors). I was too nice to got walked all over by literally everyone involved.

I feel your pain. My family is 12hrs away, my in-laws are 20mins away. My in-laws threw me a baby shower and*** ALL the gifts, cards, and even the cake had the baby’s PRESUMED*** name on them! No one asked me if that would really be his name. When he was born and that was NOT his name, My [name]MIL[/name] got upset to the point of crying because we “changed” his name…needless to say I nearly lost it. I was so angry, in fact it still irks me when I think about it!

So, do you throw out the perfectly good names? I think most berries might answer ‘no’ because a good name will hold up regardless of other people’s opinions. But I understand how you feel. This isn’t about opinions, its more about respecting your wishes and not walking all over your pregnant/mommy feelings!!! So, Would choosing new names stress you out even more? If not, then it isn’t a bad idea to consider some alternate names with your DH and explain to him just how important it is to you that the names remain private. You really should tell your DH how you feel about including your family more, and then you proactively include your family whenever you can. They aren’t impossibly far away, but I know it does take some planning. DH won’t realize you miss them and need them if you don’t tell him!

If you let us know your names, you might like what we say about them and fall in love with them again. And if not, you know we love the challenge of suggesting names we love or love for you.

Good luck!

6

I have a [name]MIL[/name] like that. Fortunately, my family lives the same distance from us that my in-laws do: about ten minutes. However, my parents, like me, are too nice. We got pushed around by his family when we were planning our wedding- something they were not contributing to except to say that they hated it and wouldn’t attend unless it was changed. Well, I decided then and there to sit down with them and let them know how I felt. They’ve become more open and respectful with me because instead of having DH tell them how I felt, I told them myself. After talking to them, I came to the realization that they, especially my [name]MIL[/name], do these things because they make them feel better; like they’re apart of the decision-making process. However, this can be dangerous to your relationship and possibly to the relationship between your child and his or her grandparents.

My suggestion to you is to talk to her. She needs to understand that this is a very exciting and somewhat uncontrollable time for you. There is very little that you can control in pregnancy (and parenting) that this name is one thing that you have a definite say in. There are going to be many more things when you become a parent that you will want her to do or not do. It’s not going to end here and it won’t get any better unless you can make her understand how you feel.

7

You guys are the best. It was comforting to read the commnets this morning after taking a relaxing night off from thinking about all-things-baby. Thank you for being so kind.

I am not ready to give up these names quite yet. We have discussed them at length! It was hard work agreeing! :slight_smile: I have posted them here for feedback. The girl is [name]Nina[/name] and the boy is [name]Miles[/name]. Middle names are TBD - DH wants [name]Henry[/name] after his deceased uncle, I want to use my fav name ever [name]Greyson[/name] in there somewhere, etc. I love [name]Henry[/name], just not sure about the uncle part…DH hates [name]Greyson[/name] 100%… We are due in [name]June[/name] so we have some time to hash that part out.

My [name]MIL[/name] really wants us to use the name [name]William[/name] (nn [name]Willy[/name] - ugh) b/c our young niece said one day, “Aunt [name]Jennifer[/name] is having a boy! We’ll call him [name]Willy[/name]!” The sun rises and sets around this girl, so my [name]MIL[/name] has been stuck on [name]Willy[/name] ever since. Only…my sister’s husband is a [name]William[/name] and they would like a [name]Jr[/name]. and I am not about to take that away from them. My [name]MIL[/name] also really wants us to use family names, but only her side. (Her dad is very sick right now and is pressuring us to honor him by naming our baby after him.)

No one in my family has asked what we are even considering for names. I have two sisters and a brother - my two sisters kept things a secret too so they are assuming we are too. (Which we were!) So I think they are just being respectful? My sisters have been pretty awesome. :slight_smile: Gifting old baby items, throwing my shower, etc.

There have been some things that make me raise an eyebrow with my ILs about how they are with our nieces. We actually signed up to take a “Grandparents Class” at the hospital - it includes a tour, info on CURRENT baby things, etc. My parents and his parents will attend that with us. We are trying to include both sets with everything. His parents have 2 granddaughters, aged 9 and 4. My parents have 3 granddaughters, agred 3, 2, and 1. So my parents have had a lot of babies born recently…whereas my ILs haven’t.

I just keep telling myself that yeah, this is our child, but it’s their grandchild, and they have every right to be excited about him/her AND the process. I want them to have great relationships with everyone in our family.

Going forward, we are not going to discuss names, etc. with anyone. My [name]MIL[/name] is very open with me, we do have a good relationship. She’s just…not my mom. We will probably see them this weekend and I will say something about it, so she knows we really mean business this time!

FWIW, my husband thinks I am building up the birth to be more than what it is. He said if we shared the names now, we’d get TWO exciting events. One share of names, one share of actual baby. I don’t see it that way. Luckily, he is a good man and will be supportive of me.

Sorry that was a long reply. I really do appreciate you all replying to my vent/post and making me feel better.

8

I can definitely understand why you were upset and felt that an important part of this was taken away from you. Sorry this happened. But there will be so much joy when the baby comes that you’ll forget that part of the surprise slipped out a little early! At least your [name]MIL[/name] seems to be accepting the names, even if she would have preferred others (is she kidding about the [name]Willy[/name] thing?!) But this is your baby, and I don’t think you should let this annoying circumstance keep you from choosing the names you love. And by the way, I absolutely love [name]Nina[/name] and [name]Miles[/name]!!

I think it’s a good idea to have a candid talk with your [name]MIL[/name] to make sure she knows how you feel about not sharing the names. It sounds like both sets of grandparents will be seeing each other before the birth, so I would make extra sure to tell her that you want the names to be a surprise for your parents. You can explain that since they live farther away, you want to make sure they get in on all the excitement and don’t want the surprise to be spoiled, etc. Good luck with everything :slight_smile:

9

Here’s some bad news. This is the first of MAAANNNNY situations in which your ILs will drive you crazy once you birth their grandchild. If you were annoyed by them before, it is about to get so much worse. [name]Just[/name] like in this situation, you will be comfortable with the way YOUR family does things and assume it is the right way because it is the way you were brought up, your sisters did it, etc. But suddenly, you have another family with opinions and traditions that are just plain stupid, but you have to consider them anyway. :wink:
Consider this the first compromise. :smiley:

(Personally, I agree with your husband. We announced my daughter’s name very early and I don’t think anyone left the birth thinking ‘Wow, that was anticlamactic!’ Can’t you just swear [name]MIL[/name] to secrecy and everyone is happy?)

10

Awww, I can imagine how disappointing that must be! :frowning: I am dead-set on keeping our baby names a secret, and thankfully my husband is on board with it and wouldn’t share them with anyone, but I can imagine how sad it would be to have them “leaked”. I think it’s special to introduce the baby WITH their name, and more climactic. :slight_smile: But, I agree with a previous poster in that no one will feel your baby’s birth is anti-climactic just because they already knew the name. :slight_smile: I would talk to your [name]MIL[/name] about it, very nicely, and ask that she keep the names a secret for now. It sounds like you have a pretty good relationship with her, so if you do it tactfully I don’t think she’d be upset.