Difficult parents, need advice

General Name Discussion
1

[name]One[/name] of my oldest and dearest friends is expecting her first child, a girl, at the end of [name]July[/name]. She and her husband have eventually decided on the name [name]Eva[/name] [name]Melanie[/name], which I think’s gorgeous, but now they’ve told it to their parents they’ve hit a couple of problems.

[name]Melanie[/name] is a combination name to honour her husband’s parents, [name]Melvin[/name] and [name]Anne[/name], both of whom are sadly likely not to be around for many more years due to health problems. They’ve decided to honour them both in their first child’s name as there’s no guarantee they’ll meet any subsequent grandchildren, and they mean a lot to my friend’s husband, who is their only child. But my friend’s mother is up in arms about this, wanting to know why her side of the family is being left out of this child’s name, and insisting that they change the middle name.

[name]Eva[/name] was a name my friend actually chose. I don’t mean it disrespectfully when I say her husband is the type of guy to look at the top ten list and pick his favourite without considering anything else. My friend wanted something a little more different, familiar but not everywhere. So she came up with [name]Eva[/name] a couple of months ago, thinking he might go for it as it’s close to two really popular names, [name]Evie[/name] and [name]Ava[/name]. My friend loves it and so does he. But her mother absolutely hates it as well, and is trying to push other names onto her that she’s just really not into at all.

My friend and her mother have always had a strained relationship. Her father she gets on with fine, but her mother is just such a difficult person to get along with. I never have, and I’ve been visiting their house since my early teens. My friend is the youngest of three siblings and the last one to have children, and her mother has been very opinionated on her other grandchildren’s names as well. I’m pretty sure she favourites the grandchild with the name that she actually likes over the rest. They’re not even awful names either - [name]Aaron[/name], [name]Tia[/name], [name]Lewis[/name], [name]Jack[/name] and [name]Jessica[/name] - but the only one she actually likes is [name]Jack[/name].

I really don’t know what to advise her to do. She’s spoken to her siblings about it and it seems that she’s got it the worst from their mother, though I think that’s in part due to the middle name. But her mother just won’t give up, and is bad-mouthing my friend and her husband in public about their name choice as well. I feel bad that I’ve got through my first pregnancy and a good portion of my second with no naming issues from either set of grandparent, and she’s having her longed-for first child and is having to deal with all this hatred towards the name that’s been chosen.

2

A person that difficult, full of that much insecurity, with such a strong need to control others, usually doesn’t find sympathetic ears. I think the joke’s on the mother-- she looks, frankly, like an ass.

It’s understandable that they have a strained relationship. Giving in to her mother’s wishes won’t change the underlying reasons why that relationship is strained-- the mother will still be rude, domineering, close-minded and controlling. But it will cause your friend to sacrifice a well-thought out name choice.

I suppose the only caveat is to ask if her father also secretly wishes their side of the family were honored in the name. Since [name]Eva[/name] itself doesn’t have a particular meaning, perhaps there is something they could do to tweak it to please the other side should it be necessary.

3

I think this is a perfect example of why one shouldn’t discuss a baby’s name with outside family members until the baby is born. My mother & grandmother destroyed so many lovely names by mocking them, my sister in law “stole” our top girl name by begging me to tell her my favorites in exchange for what she was (supposedly) naming her twins…after that I kept my mouth shut. Your friend should do the same.

I she’s trying to make nice perhaps a second middle that connects to her family?

4

If she’s planning on having a second child, why doesn’t she promise her mother the second child’s middle name will reflect her side of the family? [name]Eva[/name] [name]Melanie[/name] is beautiful, and I wouldn’t change it. Maybe she can try to find a connection between the names [name]Eva[/name] and [name]Melanie[/name] and her Mom or Dad’s names. ie. if one of their names start with an E or an M she can relate that back. Or similar sounding? My final idea, is just explain to the mother that this is the name, it was done to honour his parents who might not be around much longer, and they’ll be honoured in the next child’s name (say that whether or not they even want a second child at any point in the future). Sorry, not great advice, but worth a shot!
I guess, in the end, you just have to do what’s best for you. Whether that’s adding a second middle name, or altering the first name (I wouldn’t change the middle, it sounds like it’s really special to your friend, and I wouldn’t lose that). Tell your friend best of luck! And [name]Eva[/name] [name]Melanie[/name] is beautiful!