Does anybody else have "grandma" problems?!

Parentberries
1

So my husband and I both work full time (well, he works part-time but he is a part time paramedic so he works approximately 36 hours a week). We have two at home babysitters who watch the kids when we are at work but we are usually only [name]BOTH[/name] gone for about 5 hours of the day. I was on maternity leave up until last week [name]Monday[/name] after having my twins. My sister and I both live near each other, about 3 states (9 hours) away from my mother and father. My husband’s mother lives about 3 hours from us and comes by much more often than my own mother. My husband’s mother 100% accepts our rules/choices and is really great with the kids. We love her. I am so blessed to have such an amazing [name]MIL[/name].

Whenever my mother visits, I feel like she ruins the entire visit. She came in on [name]Monday[/name] to watch the kids and “help” with the transition of me going back to work. She is leaving this Friday. I don’t think I can take it any longer, though.

My parents were always alcoholics growing up (and hippies) and they still drink in excess every, single, weekend. Which, whatever, to all their own, and that is part of why we moved so far away in the first place. And they only drink on the weekends (Friday night, saturday night). They are getting older so it has slowed down a bit but not much.

The week went fine with my mother watching the kids, despite the usual annoyances you get with having your mother help out. She gave the 2 and a half year old excess amounts of candy which caused horrible diarrhea for 3 days and a tummy ache. She rearranged the organization of the baby’s bedroom set up. She let the 2 and a half year old stay up 3 hours past her bedtime and didn’t follow our tendency to lay the babies at 7 down once and leave them down. (As opposed to going in constantly to check on them when they make any type of noise whatsoever).

WHATEVER. That was fine and is expected when your mother comes to town. But then, this Friday, she got drunk. [name]Saturday[/name] she got drunk. And she let the 2 and a half year old see her drunk. And she brought up all of the horrible things from the past that most people tend to try to move past and started crying in front of our 2 and a half year old. She isn’t used to seeing adults act like that and had a hard time falling asleep for 2 nights after that, in addition to her bedtime being all messed up. Then, when I said to her, just please don’t drink around the children next time you come to town,she got all upset and called me “a loser” and told me she has the right to do what she wants as an adult. And I told her you don’t in my house. Now she is really upset.

Sorry, I had to vent. I have horrible mom issues and was wondering if anyone else has these problems when their mother comes to visit. Or do you live closely with your parents? Are they normal or even helpful? Or do they do things against your choices like this, or worse? WHAT do you say to family when they do things like this? [name]How[/name] can I avoid this, other than telling her not to visit anymore? She acts like she was trying to be helpful but at the same time, she can’t just come over for a weekend and NOT get drunk. I don’t know how to hold my tongue and let her be a part of our family without upsetting our balance.

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(((hugs))) dayjoysky. That sounds really trying.

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Thank you! Needed that.

4

My half sister has the same issues with her mother. [name]Amanda[/name] finally had to sit her mother down and tell her" these are the rules at our house." She let her mother know what the rules are for the kids and had to make rules for her mother ( Such as if you drink here you won’t be allowed back.) Once you know that your mother knows how you want people to behave in your house, she has no excuse. It’s your house, your rules. It’s easier said than done, I know. My [name]MIL[/name] and FIL are not allowed to be left alone with the kids, ever. DH and I avoid his parents like the plague.

5

My mom is an abusive drunk and she has never even met my son. I refuse to let her see him, which is not easy on me trust me. Anyway, just sharing that so you don’t feel alone. You are doing the right thing by asking your mom to follow your rules in your house. :slight_smile:

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oh, gosh so so many hugs!!! These things really scares me, my house being taken over by my mum or my boyfriend’s mum. [name]Even[/name] just being pregnant I feel it coming, my sort of [name]MIL[/name] wanted to rearrange our whole kitchen last time she visited, because it wasn’t practical enough. Urgh. Nothing to what you’re going through, so I’ll shut my mouth.

I feel so bad for you, and I’m so sorry for that. It’s your house, so she should follow your rules! If she gets upset it’s not your fault, it sounds like she was acting like a very immature teenager. My parents are quite well behaved, they drink (red wine) almost everyday, but they never get drunk. If they did in front of my future baby I would snap and yell and throw them out. I really admire your patience and class.

7

I’m sorry that sounds really hard to deal with. If it helps, my grandmother is a passive-agressive, manipulative, uptight you-know-what who hasn’t had a drop of alcohol in her life (religious reasons), so the other end of the spectrum isn’t that great either. Most of my life she has been great to me but my mom (her daughter) has never gotten along well with her which is becoming increasingly apparent as I get older. For a tip, my mom has a limit on the length and frequency of her visits, which may not be the right fix for everyone but it makes my her visits easier for my household.

8

I’m terribly sorry you’ve had to deal with all of that! Especially for your 2.5 year old daughter. That’s not a pleasant experience.

I can’t say I understand or any such thing, because I don’t. But I can sort of relate a bit with you on the mom issues. I have plenty of those myself, while of a different sort.

All I can say is: You told your mother that in your house she can’t be drunk around the children, then she got upset? So be it.
You’re a mother, and you have 3 (if I’m reading the post right) children, you’re just as entitled as her to raise them how you like, and set rules regarding their well-being.
Having a drunk grandmother can be traumatizing, and you’re right for talking to your mother about it not being acceptable.

[name]Don[/name]'t feel like you’re wrong for that, because you are not at all. You’re handling the situation very well, imo, so keep your spirits up.

9

Thank you all very much for the support! And it is interesting to hear some of your mother issues, from every aspect.

I think the idea that was proposed to sit down with her and map out the rules is a great idea. I can’t believe I didn’t think of that off the bat. Not saying she will respect them, but I guess I will have to tell her that if she wants to visit she will have to follow them.

The drinking thing is complicated. My sister, as I mentioned above, who lives close by (we moved to the same area together because we have always been very close) has 2 little boys and is TTC. She has my mother over as well at times and while they do not get along for similar problems, my sister does have a drink or 2 with my mother when she comes to visit. But our mother tends to get out of control (emotionally) when she drinks. She is one of those talk-about-depressing-things-from-the-past drunks. I tried talking to my sister and asking her how she deals with it when mom drinks when she visits (when she stays at my sisters) and my sister said when it gets to be a problem, her husband and her give each other “the look” and they strategically distance the boys from our mom.

My sister also suggested that having a friend over helps (to a degree) to keep our mother from becoming emotional while she is drinking because she doesn’t want to act that way around acquaintances/strangers that she is trying to impress.

I think, all in all, I am just going to tell my mother that she will not be allowed to drink at our home while she is staying with us, period, regardless of what is allowed at my sisters. If that means that when she comes to see us, she stays and my sisters, than so be it. I don’t always have time to have friends over on Friday nights, especially with the twins being so young. And my house is not large enough to “strategically” distance our kids from my mother (hopefully changing soon…looking around to move out of our starter house).

I also appreciate the suggestion that I limit the amount of time that my mother can visit but unfortunately she will visit my sister, regardless, who lives near by, and my sister and I are very close. The good part of telling her to stay at my sisters, though, would be not having to deal with her late in the night on Fridays/Saturdays. Of course–she will hold a grudge against me for not having her spend the night, but if she ends up not following the rules I laid out, then there will be no more sleeping at my house.

I am only worried that my sister will feel like I am “dumping on her” by telling my mother she cannot spend the night. And, of course, I don’t want to start a family feud. But it is what it is and this is largely why I moved so far away in the first place–to forget about the past, not bring it up over cocktails. These are my kids and I don’t want to traumatize them. And I certainly don’t want them going through what I did. Not that I am perfect, but drunken crying grandma is not something I want to subject my children to, and certainly not how I want them to remember her.

Okay, so I am going to talk to her. Not sure how it will turn out. Thank you all for the support.

10

Sounds like a great idea, also, I think if you brief your sister on your reasons she’ll be more likely to understand, and there will be less chance of a family feud.

11

It sounds like you’re on the right track. Alcoholism is pretty rampant in my family, so I have tons of experience if you ever want to talk. My mother took us away from my grandmother when we were children for similar reasons, and I’m grateful she did. It was confusing, as a child. But I think the damage would have been much worse had we continued to see grandma acting weird time and again. I now have a great relationship with my grandmother, btw. She’s not without her faults, but we’re very close.

My step-father is an alcoholic. I love him, but he’s an alcoholic. I’ve already made it very clear that I won’t allow my children in their house if he’s drinking. My mother respects my decision. He’s currently sober, so hopefully he stays that way.

You have to be 100% clear about your boundaries, and you stick to them. My grandma still drinks from time to time, though nothing like she used to. My aunt has two young daughters, and she has very strict rules in her house. My grandma gets angry with her, especially during the holidays when my aunt lets other people drink a glass of wine but tells my grandma if she has any wine, she’ll have to leave. It sounds horrible and much too harsh to other people, but it works. My grandma gets over it. She is the one who makes the decision to stay sober so she can enjoy having her grand-children in her life. If she chose otherwise, well she’d miss their childhood just like she missed me and my brother’s childhood.

I strongly encourage you to read up on the subject of alcoholism, if you haven’t already. Your children, and your sister’s children, could very well battle issues with their own addictions someday. They shouldn’t be around it. That doesn’t mean you should have a dry house, though that’s certainly an option. But if people are drunk around them, family or not, they are soaking that behavior up. It’s terrible that we sometimes have to close our lives to the people we love. [name]Trust[/name] me, I’m not saying it’s easy. Sometimes we never mend those bridges. What are you willing to give up for your children? What is your mother willing to give up for them?

I’m sorry you’re having to ask these questions. Addiction is a wicked, ugly thing.

12

It sounds like you are on the path to setting some ground rules with your mom, and explaining your rules to your sister is a good idea too- she doesn’t have to have the same rules as you but I’m sure she’ll understand why you are doing what you’re doing. Your mom doesn’t have to like it either but you are the one in control here and your kids come first- no matter who or what.

I had an alcoholic grandma (my dad’s mom) and both of my parents (divorced) are alcoholics. My father is also a very abusive person and he has not been a part of my life for about 8 years- my choice. He does not know I am pregnant and was not invited to my wedding. It was bad enough what he did to me- I would never allow him to hurt anyone else I love, so he is not allowed to participate in my life. That said, I think your mom is more like mine- not a bad person but a bad drunk. My mom is currently sober, but as you probably know, kids who grow up with alcoholic parents can sniff a relapse a mile away. My brother and I strongly believe my mom is drinking again, but she thinks she is hiding it. I have the luxury of living close to my mom, so I can limit her time with baby when he/she arrives. I plan to tell her upfront that if she is ever drunk in front of my child that she will not be allowed alone with him/her again. I think that is fair, even if it is inconvenient and she will be angry. I agree that kids should not be exposed to alcoholism- and my mom when drunk behaves exactly like yours. It was bad enough that I had to grow up with it and get past it.

You are absolutely doing the right thing, don’t let your mom tell you otherwise. Sending hugs your way.

13

Thank you all… I talked to my mother today, my husband and I sat down with her. I explained to her the main rules of the house when she comes to visit. There weren’t many. Mainly I told her she is not to drink when she comes to visit, at all. I told her she can do whatever she wants at my sister’s house but then she is to spend the night there. I was very firm about it. I said if she gets drunk in front of my daughter or children again then she will not be allowed to stay over when she visits and will have to stay at my sisters if my sister allows it.

Her response initially was mostly an angry denial of there being any problem, which is how she has always acted since as long as I can remember regarding her alcoholism. Especially when us siblings would confront her with it as kids/teenagers. She always denies that she did anything wrong and tries to act as if what she said/did did not happen at all.

But my husband spoke up (surprisingly…he’s a people pleaser and usually very passive) and said how we love to have her visit and would love to have her be part of our kids lives as they grow, but that she is not allowed to drink at our house. He said this is us telling you our boundaries and that’s final. He said “If you want to see [name]Valerie[/name] or the babies play soccer or come to her school events and things in the future, or ever visit again, you cannot drink here. That’s final, and we are being very clear with you. You make the choice.”

I was amazed he said anything, I was just expecting him to sit there and watch us argue. But I’m glad he did–because she loves him. She tends to favor/respect men over women, especially my sisters’ husbands and my husband. And she became much more agreeable after he said that, and said that fine, she will try not to drink when she comes to visit. And my husband said “you are going to have to do more than try if you want to come back here.” and she said “ok, I won’t drink when I come to visit.”

I was so amazed at him! I’m so proud of him for helping me out. She really got the picture. I cannot say she won’t drink next time she comes to visit, but I’m crossing my fingers so we won’t have to “kick her out” in essence. I really would like her to be part of the kids lives, because she is a sweet grandma, and a tolerable mother, when she is sober.

Thank you all so much for your support. To all of you with similar problems (alcoholism) or other problems with your family members, I am sorry that you and I have to go through these things. It is very rough. I moved 3 states away to get away from it all. Putting a “buffer zone” between my parents and I has really changed things. My relationship with my parents is better now, despite their problems, than it was when I was a child, teenager, and young adult. It has been 6 years now that we have lived so far away from them and I have been able to heal and grow as a person, thanks to being away from it.

My sisters and I call it the buffer zone because we live far enough away that my mother cannot just decide to come over on any given day and the trips always have to be planned out. So, their visits are always basically dictated by me. The problem comes when she comes to stay and does these things. But hopefully she will realize that, although she was not able to be the best parent to me and my siblings due to her alcoholism and other problems, that she can still be a great and memorable grandma to our kids, if she just follows our rules.

Thank you all so much again…crossing my fingers and I wish you all the best as well.

14

[QUOTE=dayjoysky2815;1655394]) Then, when I said to her, just please don’t drink around the children next time you come to town,she got all upset and called me “a loser” and told me she has the right to do what she wants as an adult. And I told her you don’t in my house. [QUOTE]

I didn’t have a chance to read through all the replies, so this may have been said already

…Your mom has the right to do whatever she wants as an adult. Yup! But you’re an adult now too, and you have the right to protect your children from situations you don’t want them to be in, and from bad behaviours you don’t want them exposed to. What your mom did was wrong, and she really should have known better. The fact that she didn’t means that you have to be firm, and not let it happen again. If it means that you have to distance yourself further from her, then unfortunately, I think that’s what you’ll have to do.

15

Alcoholism is rampant in my family, so I distance myself from most of my family so [name]Rowan[/name] doesn’t have to see and deal with drunk adults her whole life. My mother does have a cigarette smoking issue, though. It probably isn’t as serious as alcohol, but we have had the hardest time dealing with her. She goes outside to smoke, and all we ask of her is to wash her hands before she plays with [name]Rowan[/name] and she hardly ever does it. She is extremely difficult and stubborn and thinks it’s “her right as an adult” to do whatever she wants and she doesn’t understand why we get so mad about it. My husband has full blown meltdowns sometimes about it and it doesn’t even faze her. I want her to see her granddaughter but it’s really difficult to deal with sometimes.

16

Ugh I am so sorry & I can relate!

My parents are basically teenagers and I was more mature than them before I even hit puberty!

I think that it’s perfectly ok to suggest she stay in a hotel on her next visit & if you visit her, you should stay in a hotel also. That way you don’t have to police her drinking and your kid doesn’t have to see all that.

I’m sure it won’t be taken well on grandma’s part, but you need to set your boundaries & stick to them & give her the freedom to do whatever she feels she needs to on a weekend night.

17

I’m proud of your husband for speaking up as well! It helps to present a united front and he and your mom have only had a relationship as adults, whereas you and she could get mired down in a lifetime of issues. Also, given that it’s not really in his nature, the fact that he took a stand sends a clear message that this isn’t some trivial thing and that you’re not just picking a fight with her. Knowing he’s choosing his battles here makes the point to her that this is something he considers important. Plus, it’s always reassuring to know your partner’s got your back when it counts and that he’s willing to say something that’s probably uncomfortable for him in order to protect your kids.