Don't know what to do...

Wow, I haven’t been on in such a long time. I’ve just been so crazy with the babies. For those that don’t remember me, I had twins in late [name]April[/name], who you lovely people helped name. [name]James[/name] [name]Orion[/name] and [name]Charlotte[/name] [name]Maia[/name], are doing wonderful, and I fall in love with them a bit more every single day.

The reason I have returned is I need someone to share this with. My partner [name]Ben[/name]'s cousin was recently in a car accident and passed away a few days ago. She left behind two small children, that have no one to look after them. [name]Ben[/name]'s cousin was an only child, her father died several years ago and her mother is unable to cope with the two children. The little girl will turn two in [name]December[/name], while her younger brother is three months old. [name]Both[/name] have different fathers, one is completely out the picture while the dad of the little boy refuses to care for them.

We’re the only relatives that are in a good position to take them in, so it’s basically up to us to decide what happens. The whole things has put us in a horrible position, as we’re just so busy with the twins, and our flat is cramped as it is. [name]Nor[/name] do I want the children to go into foster care, and possibly be separated. I just feel so lost, and I don’t know how I feel about it. We have had a meeting with social workers last week, and another one on [name]Monday[/name], so things are happening. If we do take them in, then we’d be emergency kinship fostering, and with a view on adopting them later on.

What would you do if you were in this situation? I just don’t quite know how to react. [name]Ben[/name]'s keen on keeping them, I’m the one not sure. My family is torn on what we should do, so I feel like some none biased opinions are needed.

Thank you for listening, I really appreciate it

This is truly a devastating situation and I can’t imagine all of the thoughts that you are going through. I’d love to be able to say that have the right answer for you, but alas, it would be false. Having just adjusted to two new babies, you have a lot of change on your plate as it is, but these kids are family and you have already expressed that you don’t want them to end up in the foster care system or separated. It’s certainly not an easy decision. I can understand wanting to keep the children together, and I’m sure you would want your own children to remain together if tragedy ever happened. I’ll share some words that my grandmother had told once when I had asked her about how she had managed to raise 6 children on her own after her husband died. “As long as you believe that you can do anything, you get up every day and make necessary sacrifices, it manages to work itself out in the end. [name]Even[/name] if you aren’t sure how it all did.”

I think you and your husband should talk about how each of you are feeling about it and express concerns, etc. Have an open conversation – can you financially support two more children? [name]How[/name] will you accommodate them into your home? Perhaps, then you two will feel better about it and deal with the situation in as proactive manner as one can in this situation.

Again, I am sorry for your loss and know that you and your husband will decide what is right for yourselves.

I am so sorry for your loss. I will pray that God gives you the wisdom to make the right choice.

I am so sorry for this loss. [name]How[/name] tragic. I would encourage you to take a step back an view this situation as a neutral party. Look at your finances and living arrangements. [name]How[/name] will this affect your twins? Are you emotionally, mentally and physically prepared to care for another pair of small children? Make sure [name]Ben[/name] knows your feelings and that you want what is best for everyone involved, which may include giving them up for adoption. I would encourage you to look into open adoptions in which the children will remain together. If you decide to keep them, look into hiring a caregiver. Would you be eligible for any type of child support from the fathers?

I don’t have an answer for you. Only you and [name]Ben[/name] will be able to decide what to do. We will be here for emotional support in what ever decision you come to.

I am so sorry for your situation. There is a woman that used to come on NB, I believe her name was dotsmom. She and her husband had a daughter, [name]Dorothy[/name], and came on the site to name their twins, [name]Eloise[/name] and [name]Matilda[/name] (of course, a year or two later, i remember the girls names, haha). Not long after the twins were born they took in a family member’s son that had been orphaned ([name]James[/name], maybe?). If there is a way to get her e-mail she may be a great resource to you. Some members have exchanged e-mail addresses, or maybe [name]Pam[/name] or [name]Linda[/name] has it?

I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t tell you what do do because every situation is different. Here is my mother’s story.

My mother and sisters were in a car in the 60’s with no seat belts, long story short my grandmother and my mom’s sister [name]Jennifer[/name] were killed along with 2 others. My mother, [name]Denise[/name] and sister [name]Kristin[/name] were the only 2 that lived. My mother’s father was different then [name]Kristin[/name]'s father and left long before my mother was even born. So my mom and [name]Kristin[/name] went to live with [name]Kristin[/name]'s father. Unfortunately he was an alcoholic. They lived with him for a few years and eventually were put in foster care for a month until the most wonderful person in the world, my great aunt came to rescue them. I have 3 great aunts and 2 great uncles and only one was kind enough to come and get them. I will forever be grateful to my great-aunt, who I even call my grandmother because she was the closets my mother had to a mom because her’s died when she was so young. I was able to see all my cousins and still be apart of my family and I would not have had that, neither would my mother have had that had not my grandmother come. That being said money was tight, they already had 4 children and taking in [name]Kristin[/name] and [name]Denise[/name] was a lot for them but from the stories I have heard my mother and aunts LOVED growing up together and were best friends because they were all so close in age.

This decision has to be very tough on you but even though my “grand parents” had a tough time they made it through and now we have a big loving family and I have 21 cousins that I can so easily go to. [name]Do[/name] whatever feels right for you but I just felt like sharing this story with you because it was somewhat similar.

Thank you for being so supportive, and understanding. Your opinions are appreciated and your stories have really helped.

The second meeting went well, and we after several chats, and pro/con lists we decided to take the children on. I know it will be very hard, and exhausting, but I just couldn’t let them go into foster care. They have been in our care for just over a week now, and things have been good, not fantastic but not terrible. The baby has fitted into our family easier than I expected, he’s younger than the twins, but only wakes one or two times a night.

The one year old is harder, she’s clearly distressed. Parenting a nearly two year old is so different than a baby and I feel woefully unprepared. However, she’s starting to become more affectionate with me, and with the babies, so I have faith that she’ll settle down in her own time.

Going from two children to four overnight, and with all of them under two was quite a shock. It is exhausting and overwhelming but I feel feel like we made the best decision for everyone, and I can’t wait till they’re older to see how their relationships form.

As this is a naming site, I’ll share their names. Although I don’t love them, they seem to suit their names and I wont be able to change them until they’re legally ours and I’m not sure if and when that will happen and if I want to change their names at all. They’re called Emm@ Ro5e and [name]Willi[/name]@m TyIer, although he’s always called Li@m.

What a wonderful thing you are doing Spunky! Those children are lucky to have you. Best of luck with your newly expanded family.

Wow. I am in tears! Spunky - YOU are an amazing woman and these babies are lucky to have you. Someday they will understand and know what you have done for them. You have given them the greatest gift in the world: a family.

My husband has the best advice. It is the same every time I ask, yet I always forget and always need to hear it. Whenever something unforeseen happens, he tells me the best thing he ever learned in school: ADJUST AS NECESSARY.

So simple. Adjust as necessary. We never know what will be thrown our way but there is always a way to adjust. You will be a wonderful mother to these children and sure enough you will wonder how you ever lived without them.

Fyi, I have a 28 month old and a 9 month old, with #3 on the way. If you ever need to vent, send me a private message on here. My ears are always open!

Wow Spunky, I read this post when you first put it up, and have been checking back for an update. Congratulations on the two new little people in your life. I can only imagine the challenges you are facing right now, but Frenchie is right (!) you will all adjust, and hopefully soon, life will settle down.

All the best to you, your hubby, and your 4 kiddos :o

You are a real life hero!