Ethics when it comes to posting names

General Name Discussion
1

Am I the only person why was put off by the facebook post?

I can’t honestly say I haven’t seen a problem like what happened coming in regards to posting the names of others. Some of us have questioned this problem in the past when full name rosters have been listed and this is why. I agree those names were “special” and I judged the names as well but what happened was horrible. Nameberry is a great community that deserves it’s reputation for being a friendly welcoming place but I imagine to some parents on Facebook it looks like we go around seeking out names to bash.

[name]IMO[/name] There should have been a list and not a link that violated the privacy of those parents since by including a link not only could you then find out a child’s first and last name, you could also visit the parents facebook. [name]One[/name] could reason that they post on that page revealing their own identity but they post there with the pretense that they’re sharing their information with like minded individuals and not a website post that’s sending others to mock them because of a poor naming choice.

Not that long ago I went to my OBGYN and made a list of all the stunning new baby names, as much as it killed me to do so I broke them into separate fn and mn lists so the children could not be identified as some of the combos were very stunning but unique (in a good way). I didn’t want to take the risk of anyone putting two and two together and saying something to the parents even if it was a compliment or worse yet, the parent seeing this on nameberry because they deserve privacy and I would have been mortified if they had called me out on it.

Right or wrong I’m all for weighing in on names like that and enjoy when some posters make lists that have no revealing information. I just feel very sad for the parents of those youneekly named children because I can’t imagine how it feels to find out people are laughing behind your back and could possibly continue to taunt you, not that I think anyone here would do that but they have no way of knowing that. I also recommend that the link be removed from the locked thread so it doesn’t lead to more views.

Sorry to rant, I’m not trying to personally attack anyone and please excuse any glaring errors it’s late and I’m a bit tired.

2

I missed the fallout, but I can only guess how it went. I’m not keen on reposting class lists, ect, but these parents posted their child’s name on a public board on a popular social network. It doesn’t mean people have the right to be rude as these are real children’s names, I’m assuming, but it’s the same risk as posting photos on FB. If you’re not willing to accept the risks, I wouldn’t post them.

3

You have a really good point I guess I feel like to go on that board and insult people for their bad name choices is one thing but to link them to a thread here is just a bad reflection of nameberry and mean [name]IMO[/name]. I hope from now on if people post names there will be no attached links or revealing information in case someone else wants to contact them and insult their name choices. No one deserves that :confused:

4

Have tracked down the 2 threads and yes, agree it puts Nameberry and its users in a bad light.

5

I agree. I see no problem in linking the thread here (as it was a Facebook page it’s not like they can see that lots of people are getting to that site from here and follow that) but to go and post in that thread insulting them was just over the line. Not to mention linking them to the thread discussing the names here. It seems very mean-spirited and drama-baiting. I’m sure the person probably, possibly didn’t mean it as such but really, how else could it have gone? Did they think they would read that post and go “Hmm, yes my kid’s name is spelled wrong. I should go tell them how right they are!”. Not likely. It’s not a good look for Nameberry as it makes the posters look completely rude and sanctimonious.

I was really hoping that [name]Pam[/name] and [name]Linda[/name] would clarify the site’s policy on that sort of behaviour but have had no reply.

And I’m also just going to put this out there - spelling a name wrong (e.g. [name]Isabella[/name] as Ihzabela) is going to be a pain in the ass for the kid but it’s hardly life-threatening. Save your outrage for the kids named [name]Aryan[/name] Nation. :wink:

6

I have a problem with Nameberry forum participants forgetting that the internet is NOT anonymous. If you wouldn’t say a comment to a person’s face then don’t say it on a forum. It is NOT [name]Pam[/name] and [name]Linda[/name]'s job to keep all of you in moral check. If you said something you wouldn’t want those parents to read it is your own fault. People come here to discuss names but I feel like threads dedicated to ripping apart people’s actual choices are horrible. I’m glad someone exposed this dirty little secret. I am glad that those parents know what you all said about them because it makes all of YOU more responsible for your words. I hope you all think a little harder in the future before throwing shade at strangers who did not ask your opinion. It’s not OK to make fun of little kids & that’s what you all did. Now you got caught. So think about this before you do it in the future. rant over

7

I don’t think you are ranting, and I agree. Linking the facebook moms back here to see how “clever” and snarky we were getting seemed a bit much. At first I thought I was being a hypocrite for not wanting them to see negative comments, but I was okay posting those comments. However, we talk about names all the time that are on real people (birth announcements come to mind.) If little Iizubel’s mother or father googles their child’s name, they might find something negative on nameberry. She might also find a New York Times article talking about the effects of uniquely spelled names. Or another Iizubel that won a gymnastics competition. The internet is a big place. But it’s different than inviting someone here to “give them a lesson” so to speak. They won’t “learn” anything from that thread.

ellieberry: That’s fair. I will probably keep the facebook thread in mind from now on.

8

Yeah, I agree. It was crude and inappropriate.

9

No one here is making fun of little kids. They’re discussing their names. You can discuss the name without discussing the child. Talking about people “getting caught” is ridiculous. It’s not a “dirty little secret”. People post their kids names on the internet, people will discuss them.

10

Honestly… I replied and think my worst comment was very blunt. However, it is not something I wouldn’t say to my own friend.

I think you either have to make a decision not to post names that are this out of the ordinary or, just accept that people are going to be very critical. If you spell your child’s name purposefully differently then it is google-able. So creating a link on NB or not is really of very little consequence. There is also a big difference between reposting or linking to posts on a different website than posting a class roster which is not already on the internet. In one mothers already shared their child’s name with the entire digital (non-password protected) world, in the other they merely sent their kids to school.

11

@lexiem I agree with a lot of what you’re saying and I think this is why some people use a period like this:Iz.ubehl so the name cant easily be found, I guess part of my problem is, it wasn’t just a link and one persons opinion, it made us all look bad, here’s a quote from it:

Also, Kaylyn is NOT even the original spelling, Kaylin is. Alyzahbella just makes me cringe. Do you guys even know that Caitlin is the original spelling of the uber popular name? And how the heck is Syrrah Sierra and not Sigh-ruh? Please, if you are going to misspell a name, make sure you it still can be pronounceable. If you want to hear what other name nerds have to say on this post, head over here

I know I might be walking a fine line between criticism and pot stirring but I have no intention of starting ugly drama, I just want to discuss this issue.

12

Let’s just all move forward from here. I hope all of us on Nameberry forums can be a little more conscientious from here on out. I want this to be a positive place.

13

I replied and wasn’t very nice, but I didn’t realize she was getting those moms to come back here. (WHY?!) Or if I did see it I didn’t think about it. Tbh, I am a late bloomer when it comes to Internet forums so I don’t notice a lot of stuff and I don’t really have all the etiquette down. Now that I know what happened, I think it does make the forum look bad. But I also agree with lexiem and philomena to an extent. I think this still needs to be a place where people can be totally honest about names and naming. I never say anything on the web I wouldn’t say in person. But bottom line is - Those women shouldn’t have been invited back here to a thread that was obviously for the purpose of ragging on their particular names. [name]Just[/name]… why? Maybe it’s my fault for not noticing the OP posted the link to FB.

14

The person who created the link and gloated about it is 14 years old. She’s still in early adolescence which is marked by incompletely developed empathy and the hive-like mentality of cliques and groups and cool people and less cool people. I imagine she thought we would all congratulate her.

Anyway I thought it was a revolting thing to do. The names were interesting but if anything they should have been viewed invisibly, no comments whatsoever. I think it was obvious from the tone of the posts that most of the women were proud of the names they’d selected and weren’t going to be interested in ‘re-education’ or heartfelt discussions of naming philosophy. When you enter a debate with no hope of reasonably discussing a topic, that’s the very definition of drama-baiting. Or, in other words, trolling.

15

So, let’s see if I have this right.

Girl find list of already named children publically posted somewhere, like on Facebook.

Girl posts list of names here (this is completely ok, I think, if it was meant for discussion)

Girl posts the link to the Facebook page where she found the lists, on nameberry (again, I think this ok. It’s -all out there in public)

Girls posts to parents of already named children about how horrible their name choices were (now, assuming this wasn’t a ‘what do you think of the name I chose?’ question, then this was wrong. Very cruel, no matter the names in question. That’s just insulting, and bear-bating)

Girl posts link to the nameberry thread where people are discussing their childrens’ names. (this is absolutely, beyond a doubt trolling).

Assuming that is actually what happened here, I hope the poster takes this as an important lesson, and everyone else can learn from it too. If you’re going to post about bad names you’ve found, ok. But dont criticize the name choices to the people who chose them. Those children are named and there is nothing you can say that will change the name. Also, you will most likely hurt some feelings along the way. And especially, don’t start drama by linking the people who chose those horrible names to the place where you and a bunch of others are all talking about how horrible they are.

16

I apologize for my behavior. I really didn’t think that one through. I went onto FB and deleted my comment. There was no point in debating and I did act really stupid. My age doesn’t matter, I am usually more mature than that. I could list excuses, but I won’t. I know this has influenced my reputation on NB and that sucks. I’m so embarrassed right now, and I should be. Would have I said that in real life? No. I crossed a line and there was no point in doing so. It’s not really my business, anyways. What’s done is done, but I will be more careful on what to post in the future.

17

I think this is an important question.

[name]Blade[/name]'s comments are dead on … I often follow links like the FB one, and I read the names with fascination, sometimes pages of them. But if I can’t find something nice to say, I say nothing at all. And truthfully, I often do find something good in the names, if only, as [name]Blade[/name] notes, the pride of the parents who chose them.

It isn’t just about FB, though. About a year ago, I linked to a blog where the mom disclosed her children’s (very unusual) names. She wrote to me pretty upset. There’s power in linking, and it took her blog from public-but-only-read-by-friends to being discussed in a much bigger forum. I took the link and all references down immediately. What else could I do? But the damage was done … at least from her perspective, even though the comments about the names were uniformly positive.

My new rule of thumb is this: I’ll link to a monetized blog without asking for permission. If families have revealed their kids’ names in the news, I’ll link. If they’re using real names on a site where others have chosen to use pseudonyms, I’ll link. But if I only know their names in real life, and I have zero clue how the parents feel about privacy, I just don’t reveal it. I might write about the name, but not about the first/middle combo and not about the fact that it is attached to a real child.

And in the very few cases where I know the real names of children referred to by pseudonyms on blogs? No way would I dream of revealing them.

As for me, I don’t really think about privacy. (Or I put it up there with “rain of toads.”) I use my real name, my kids’ real names, and real photos. A few people have realized that we know each other in real life. But mostly, the volume of noise online is deafening.

And missusaytch, I do think honesty matters! I am very aware that some find my son’s name dull and my daughter’s name needlessly complicated. The trouble comes when we make the decision to disclose our kids’ names without considering that others won’t like them.

18

Aurra, I just wanted to say that I think this post is very mature of you. You are right to feel embaressd, and I’m proud of you realizing your mistake, accepting responsibility, apologizing, and learning from the situation. It was a mistake; we all make them, and I’m glad you have used yours as an opportunity to grow.

19

What in the world are yous even talking about? I am so confused. lol

20

Aurra, I appreciate your apology too. As we are all too well aware, here and throughout the virtual world people can all too easily hurt others. Policies have to be created (and recreated) on a case by case basis, but as much as possible I think we have to focus discussions here on names themselves and not on the people who have those names. We have to avoid listing names and talking about names in a way that makes the people who have them identifiable as individuals. I think we should NOT be posting entire class lists.

As some of you know, if you use my name or [name]Linda[/name]'s name in a post, we are notified because we follow our own names and can check into a discussion. You are all also invited to email us if there are problems on the boards or ethical issues like this that come up that we should be aware of – pam@nameberry.com or Linda@nameberry.com.

We take the tone and attitude of our community very seriously and want to stay aware of issues that arise so please don’t hesitate to contact us directly or mention us so we can be aware of a specific discussion.

Thank you all as usual for bringing thoughtful discussion and debate to this issue which we hope now has been resolved as well as possible.