I’m curious if anyone has had to deal with a similar problem, I certainly read a lot about people feeling pressured into using a family name, but what about the reverse? What if you want to use a family name to honor a deceased relative and have someone else pitching a fit about it? Particularly someone who is new to the family…
I’ll elaborate with some back story; I plan on naming my daughter after my mother who passed away some years ago, my parents were married for decades until she died. I was her only child and this baby I’m having will no doubt by my only child. My dad remarried last year and lives on the other side of the country with his new younger wife, I was very close to my dad but I’m not at all close to her, I can barely tolerate her. She is horribly upset that I’m naming my daughter after my mother to the point she’s bitched and yelled enough at my father were he asked me to pick a different name all because it upsets his new wife, and ‘embarrasses her’. [I don’t understand the logic of that complaint AT ALL and neither would explain when I asked.] He said he’ll have to call his granddaughter by a different name because “she ‘forbids’ the use that name.” To which I had replied “Well that’s tough, she’s not in charge and she has no say in the matter, it’s asinine she thinks she can forbid anything.” Now when I first told him I was thinking about naming my daughter after my mom, he really liked the name, his eyes lit up, he smiled, he said he loved the name, but then I guess he told his new wife and then it all changed.
I’m not so much annoyed at her for acting that way, because she’s always acted obnoxiously narcissistic thinking everything is about her, however I am upset that my father didn’t stick up for me and actually asked me to pick a different name… I’m also annoyed that they didn’t seem to understand it’s MY child, I get to name her not them; and I didn’t pick the name to piss someone off, I picked the name because I love the name and it was my mother’s name. I will not change the name I have picked out, however I am wondering how should I deal with this in the future, as I am unsure just how nasty she’ll will act because I refuse to cave into her demands and whether my dad will grow a pair. The upside is I live on the other side of the USA so I don’t have to interact often.
Wow, she sounds like a true nightmare and completely unstable. This woman obviously has a problem with jealousy and narcissism and probably needs some sort of counseling because she’s not being reasonable at all. I like sugarfoot’s suggestion, and I would add to it that maybe you could talk to your dad about his coming up with a special nn for your daughter that he can use until his bride can get with the program. I can’t believe anyone would be so horrible! I’m also sorry that you have to deal with this, and I am all for you using your mother’s name.
I could see the actual relative you want to honor having a problem with being honored (I myself would be really uncomfortable with the idea of one of my kids naming their child after me). But, wow. What you’re describing is just terrible. I think you’ve gotten good advice so far. Definitely do not change your mind because of this crazy lady!!!
If your dad and ‘her’ had a daughter together and he wanted to name her after your mum, (his wife before her) then I’d understand why she’d be upset, to an extent.
This is your daughter and you want to name her and have the right to name her what you wish. If that is after your mum, then so be it. You obviously had a close relationship with your mum and losing her must have been hard so you want to do this for YOUR reasons. Your mum…your daughter.
You, your mum and dad all had a life, love and memories before this other woman came along so she has to respect that.
I bet she has a past too!!!
As for her not going to call your daughter by her name…easy. [name]Don[/name]'t see her. That’s disrespecting you, your daughter and your mothers memory.
Hopefully your dad will find ‘his pair’ again soon, before or when your daughter arrives. It’s him that will miss out in the end but I’m sure he’ll come round. She’ll be his grandaughter at the end of the day. As you said, his eyes lit up, he smiled, he loved the name.
This woman sounds like she has serious issues, I can understand if someone asks if they can honor you and you say no but besides that I think you have every right to honor someone else, especially your Mother. I hope you use the name and ignore this lady. Sorry for the stress it’s causing you!
There are several words that could be used to describe this woman, none of them very appropriate. In my opinion, your dad’s wife doesn’t really have any say over what you name your child. I think everyone can agree to that! It is sad that your dad no longer supports you, but you shouldn’t let that stop you from naming your child after her grandmother. I feel that honoring and respecting your mother is the right thing to do, no matter what your dad’s wife says. As for your dad, I sure hope he does “grow a pair.”
Good luck and may I ask what your mother’s name is?
I think just name the child and hopefully she’ll get over it. Since she “forbid” you to name the child the name you want, I would fight back and say fine, I forbid you see my child unless you call her the name I give her. See how she reacts to that. However, I would say if you go this route, you might end up cutting ties with your family…
I wonder what she is so afraid of-- how her marriage could be so shaky that the notion of her adult stepdaughter lighting a proverbial candle for her deceased mother could threaten her.
As a doctor-- albeit a non-psychiatrist-- I can assure you that this sort of behavior tends to be pervasive. If her relationship with you is this volatile, confrontational and hysterical, I can only imagine what her marital relationship is like. I would be willing to bet that after a while your father will grow tired of humoring her and attempting to anticipate her insecurities and will toss her to the side, like the trash she appears to be.
[name]Do[/name] NOT let someone who is emanating such a narcissistic/borderline vibe (my clinical bet would be on the latter, btw) get between you, your father, and most importantly your mother’s memory. [name]Ruth[/name] is a lovely name, but even if it weren’t, naming your daughter after your mother is an incredible tribute.
Only someone with serious Axis II pathology could possibly be threatened by a newborn stepgrandaughter and her perceived “preference” for her “rival.”
What an awful reaction by your step-mother to something that is NONE of her business whatsoever! It sounds like she has her own issues regarding not being the true love of your father’s life (I’m presuming your parents were still married when your Mom passed?), she does not like living in your Mom’s shadow, ie:only being in your Dad’s life because your Mom is not. It seems she is having an illogically hard time accepting something completely out of her control, ie: your Mom’s existance and place in both your lives. I hope you can stop stressing about this nonsense and realise that HER problem has NOTHING to do with YOU and everything to do with her own hang-ups and fears. PLEASE name your daughter after your beloved Mom if that is what YOU want to do! I really don’t believe you will hurt your father in any way, I think his first reaction displays his true feelings. It is up to him what he feels about it and how he handles your step-mothers immature reaction. If you give in to her demands, you will be giving her so much power over you and just think of all the resentment you’ll have to carry around which will only make the situation worse for you forever! She’ll get over it in time.
All the Best!
Everything I’m about to say is obviously based on my own opinion and circumstances, I do not know this woman personally, but I have More than enough experience with women like this, from a different perspective.
In this situation I think that it’s Wonderful that you live so far away from them. She sounds like she would no doubt cause many more problems if she were in close proximity. I am terribly sorry for your situation. Many people are in similar circumstances, not with the name thing specifically, but dealing with new-comers who act this way.
I can imagine that it feels a bit like you no longer have “your” dad anymore also. Since he’s willing to change and cave for this new woman. I can feel for him that he’s with this overbearing woman and has to deal with her to the point that he has to. However, I don’t think it’s right or fair in the least that he’s actually felt so much pressure and Hate from her that he’s had to go so far as to confront you with this. What a sad situation for you and for your father. But, choices have been made and have to be dealt with now. And, I’m sorry to say that if he’s come to this point, it’s Very unlikely that he’ll [name]Ever[/name] “grow a pair” with her. Most men either stand up for their other loved ones immediately and unfailingly…or not at all. I love my husband very much and he’s a Wonderful man, but I have to say that he’ll never stick up for me with his own family in a way that I’d like for him to. He hates confrontations and does his best to “keep the peace”. He knows deep down that I’m the easiest of the two sides to deal with, so he’ll always try to smooth things over with me and keep them quiet. I’m sure that’s what’s happening with your father. He knows you’re the more reasonable of the two and that he can get off a little easier giving in to her and having you be the one to change.
I would under NO circumstances buckle to this woman, in Any sort of way. [name]Even[/name] if you feel like it would be “keeping the peace” for now, Nothing will ever satisfy her and it will only get worse, no matter what you do. And, in that case you may as well do what you want to, since you’ll always be between a rock and a hard place with her.
I have people like this in my own family. The horrible woman being My actual family members (who I Pity their new “families” for having to deal with). I KNOW what these people are like. I’ve lived with and dealt with them my whole life. This will not end here, but will only be the beginning. Next you’ll no longer be allowed to have pics of your own mother in your home when/if she comes to visit. No one will be able reflect on old memories that involve your mother at family events without dealing with her fallout (especially your dad, when no one else is around). And it will just continue from there in ways that will be impossible to imagine. If your dad or anyone else makes any sort of mention that your daughter is remotely like your mother, he’ll even have to catch flack for seeing and even caring for his granddaughter. Usually these types of women are jealous over Any other female, no mater who it is (she’s probably even horribly jealous of you).
I’d just lay it out for your dad. She was His choice and she’s His problem to deal with now. Not yours.
I think your step mother is really out of order. If she had been around since you were a child and essentially raised you,I could see why she would be hurt. But you say she’s only been married to your Dad for a year or so,which makes me think she hasn’t been around 10,15,20+ years.
I do disagree with pp’s who’ve said she has no say based on the fact she’s your step mother alone though. My step dad has been around a long time,has had a huge part of making me who I am,so definitely gets a say. Your situation is different,she hasn’t been around that long and seem to be trying to erase evidence of your mum. That is unnacpetanle and in my opinion,cruel.
I would absolutely ignore her. She is behaving in a really quite ridiculous manner for reasons I can’t quite work out. I know you’ve said she’s said she will be embarrassed. I don’t understand why,everyone knows you’re not her daughter.
In your shoes I would carry on and use your mums name as planned.
Good grief. I’m sorry you’re going through this drama.
I’ll join the chorus: Your father’s new wife has no right to be doing this to you. For her to take this stand on your child’s name–and to be so threatened by your mother’s memory even though she has been gone for years–makes me think she’s a nutcase. I’ve never been in a situation just like yours, but (based on my own relationship with my stepmother) I would guess you and your daughter are both living reminders of his relationship with your mother, and her messed up ego can’t stand it. You giving your daughter your mother’s name is probably more of a “smokescreen issue” than anything else; it is a tool she’s using to chisel cracks in her husband’s relationship with you and with his grandchild.
My advice to you would be to stay the course and give your daughter the lovely, meaningful name you have chosen. Be honest and firm with your father, and tell him again that [name]Ruth[/name] is chosen out of your love for your mother. It is not a commentary on his new wife or their relationship, and his wife has no right to interfere or assert her will here. If you’re worried about how this will affect your relationship with your father, tell him that too–don’t let him stick his head in the sand and pretend he’s not being manipulated. And finally, if she (or they) refuse to call her [name]Ruth[/name] or [name]Ruthie[/name], they’re jerks, but you still have a couple options. Either they don’t see her (which is what your stepmother probably wants) or they come up with a sweet “grandpa only” petname for her.
Or you could come up with horrible names for them until they cave. [name]May[/name] I suggest Grandpa Wimpy and Granny Gargantua?
Naming your daughter after your mother is a very beautiful and natural thing to do.
When I was seven years old, my stepmother threw out pictures of my late mother that I had in a drawer. It sounds like your father’s second wife is similarly wanting to wipe out any reminders of your real mother. That’s terrible beyond words.
Proudly name your daughter after your mother. I agree with “namenutt,” that it seems your father’s initial reaction represents his true feelings. I would not let his second wife have any influence whatsoever on what you name your children or anything else for that matter.
Heyley88, no she didn’t come into the picture until recently [I’m in my late 20’s, nearly 30], my mom passed away just before my 21st birthday. I could see her being upset/hurt IF she had had any part in raising me, however even when her and my dad started dating I had already moved out of state and they’ve been married for about a year. There’s no bond or friendship even between us, so I’m kinda puzzled why on earth she would even feel hurt, much less claim she’d be embarrassed. I did ask what that was about, how or why she’d be embarrassed, I couldn’t get an answer out of either her or my dad.
Goodhope, LOL at the suggestion of Granny Gargantua.
Thompssn, some of that has already happened, for example I cannot make any mention of any past event that involves my mom lest I wish to contend with his new wife rolling her eyes, huffing, and making snide remarks. She would have tossed all the old pictures except my dad gave them all to me, so on the upside I have many scrapbooks and photo albums worth of pictures of my mom, my mom and dad together and pictures of the three of us together that in the future I can share with my child. And saying she is horribly jealous of others is a understatement, she acts jealous even when there’s no sane reason to be.
I also suspect your are right about my dad, he has an aversion to confrontations and arguments, he keeps saying he just wants everyone to get along.
It’s funny too, because she’s the only person who dislikes the name and has pitched a fit about it, the family I have here where I live are excited and happy about my choice of name. My mom’s siblings were really touched that the name would be carried on. My mother-in-law absolutely loves the name and had already started calling my unborn baby [name]Ruthie[/name], so the fact that my daughter’s only living actual grandmother adores the name has made me feel good.
And to everyone who has replied, thank you. I have no intention of changing the name I picked out, I mainly wanted to check and make certain I was being rational in my reaction to the whole debacle because I did find it rather annoying and upsetting.
