Hello Berries,
My DH is experiencing really heavy gender disappointment. He is convinced that he needs a son, basically. We decided that this would be our last child-together- and he is now telling me he wants to try again after this baby is born (!!!)
I love my kids, but my god I cannot cope with having any more after this. I feel like my patience is wearing thin. He brings it up every day, and I feel such sadness and such anger for this baby that her dad can’t look forward to her being born like he SHOULD be.
I am just really scared that he still won’t be interested once his daughter is here, basically. He has been a great dad to all the other girls, but now he seems apathetic, depressed. I don’t know what to do and I know I can’t let myself get too stressed as I don’t want to damage the baby any more, in addition to how I am scared this will damage her once she is born. Sorry if this sounds melodramatic, I am just at the end of my tether.
Has anyone else experienced/has a spouse who has behaved/felt a similar way?
I told my GP, but I don’t think I got across how much its affecting everything, so he brushed it off.
If anyone has gone through this- did the disappointment go away once the baby was born? Did it take time? Or is it likely that he will continue to want more children and be discontent with the family we have?
Wishing you all the best and hope that soon things will be easier for you all.
Have you decided on a name for the baby? If not we would love to help. 
regards,
rollo
This is definitely quite common, and perfectly natural - if you’ve always imagined bonding over football in the garden with your son, it’s quite hard to let that fantasy image go, even in the modern world when you know you can totally have those football-bonding experiences with your daughter. The problem comes, however, when that disappointment starts to interfere with the love you have for your children of the other gender. You describe your husband as a great father, and I’m willing to bet a lot that he does love your unborn daughter a lot, but he’s been left unable to concentrate on that because of this disappointment. I imagine this is especially frustrating for you, as you want to enjoy what may well be your last pregnancy to the full, and want him to, as well.
To this end, I advise you broach the subject with him as soon as possible. Find a time when the two of you won’t be interrupted (I’d advise having your daughters sleep over with relatives) and which will be as relaxed and open as possible - in your own home, maybe with a takeaway or an easy dinner. You might want to consider mentioning that you’d like to discuss the matter beforehand, but this really depends on his character - how defensive you think he will get, if he will feel attacked et cetera. Have ready a list of specific points you want to discuss, such as moments when his behaviour has particularly upset you, why his attitude bothers you, how you think it might affect your daughters, why you are against the idea of having another child, and even specific words which describe how it all makes you feel; this will ensure that you don’t get caught up in the moment and later feel like you weren’t able to express yourself or argue your point fully. Agree with your husband beforehand that he will allow you to finish speaking before he replies, and vice versa.
I’d say that a lot of the time the feelings of disappointment maybe don’t entirely go away, but are certainly eclipsed, when the father is presented with his beautiful baby daughter, and then in the hugely busy first few months. (I should say here that it isn’t, of course, only fathers who experience this feeling.) Over time, most people reach a state of contentment with their situation, a kind of “I wanted a son but it wasn’t meant to be” but obviously this isn’t really the ideal - it is certainly important to explain to your husband your (very logical) concern that a child might feel less loved if they know their parent desperately wanted a baby of the other gender, but the mere facts will probably just bury his desire for a boy, not really mellow it. Post-talk, encourage him to be involved in all decisions and aspects of your pregnancy, to help make this little girl a reality for him - the old adage that men become fathers only when presented with a baby, whereas women become mothers when the find out they are pregnant, is not entirely unfounded. Emphasise how possible it is to live out any father-son bonding dreams he had with his daughters, and maybe encourage him to spend time with any friends he has who also only have girls, so that there is more chance his feelings will be offloaded onto someone other than you. Finally, you might want to discuss ways your husband can be closesly involved in raising boys without having any of your own - nephews, godsons, coaching a children’s team, agreeing to take friends’ sons for the day (an especially good solution if you know a family with only sons, as they might especially enjoy having your daughters for a day), and fostering. The latter is something to think about in a couple of years, perhaps when your youngest is starting school - you can offer respite care for just a weekend or so, which would not place a lot of extra financial or parenting stress on your family, but would allow your husband to father some boys who really need it.
Finally, I’d advise that you mention your situation to your midwife, the teacher of your ante-natal class, anyone who is more likely to be specifically informed and helpful about pregnancy and parenting than your GP.
Good luck, and I hope that your pregnancy is going well,
[name]Auburn[/name]