My brother and his wife are expecting their first child, a boy, in [name_u]November[/name_u]. They have decided to call him by my mother’s maiden name, which has become an increasingly popular first name. It’s similar in style to [name_m]Grant[/name_m] (used as both a last and first name), although I would say it’s more “hip” than [name_m]Grant[/name_m] right now.
The problem is that my first cousin had picked out that name for his first child. He and his wife got pregnant several years ago, had decided on the name, and then lost the baby at 20 weeks. They later told me that they would use it again if they ever had the opportunity. They had difficulty conceiving again, however, and went through several rounds of IVF. She did get pregnant again, but they discovered it was a blighted ovum at the first ultrasound. They stopped treatments at that point, and it looked like they were finished trying. However, I recently learned that they’re planning to do egg donation this fall.
My brother has talked to our cousin about using the name, and he claims that he’s fine with it. Still, given the circumstances, I think it’s inappropriate. My brother and his wife love the name and its family connection, and they’re set on using it. They think if they don’t use the name, it may be lost forever, since there may not be any more boy babies in the family.
What is your opinion? What would you do in this situation?
I think that your brither has a right to use the name. Although people can try, noone has ownership or ‘dibs’ on a name until they name their child that. It’s a tricky situation but as it’s a family name it has personal meaning to yiur brother too.
If I’m not mistaken, the children will be second cousins, once removed…not related closely enough to worry much about sharing a name. Also, there’s a pretty good chance they’ll have a girl, so the issue could become moot.
My cousin and his wife won’t use the name if my brother and sister-in-law do.
Under normal circumstances, I think whoever has the baby first gets to use the name. But my cousin and his wife have been through a lot of heartache over the past several years, and the name means a lot to them. My cousin actually used the name for his business ("[name_m]Grant[/name_m]" + his last name). So it’s a much more delicate situation.
I am personally very opposed to their using the name and have voiced my concerns to my brother, and he has gotten very angry with me over my lack of “support.” I fear it will become a divisive issue within our family.
Personally, I think your cousin should get “dibs.” It seems to me that your brother and his wife would be able to find another name they can agree on. I might be wrong, but it seems like it means a lot more to your cousin.
But…if your brother asked your cousin and he’s fine with it, what’s the problem? Also, I personally don’t think there is anything wrong with a family name being used more than once within a family. I recently said the same in another thread; my daughter is named after my grandmother and it wouldn’t bother me at all if one of my cousins decides to do the same when they have children - she was a wonderful person worth honoring.
Well, I guess I think they shouldn’t use it just on principle, because that’s how I would want to be treated if I were in my cousin’s place (although I too would probably say I’m “fine” with it), but I guess I’m in the minority.
But you’re right that there’s nothing wrong with having more than one “[name_m]Grant[/name_m]” in the family.
I think the important thing is that it’s going to very quickly become unhelpful for you to have an opinion on this. Once the baby is named, and it seems like it already is as far as your brother and his wife are concerned, it’s nearly impossible to object to that name without hurting feelings no matter how good your reasons are. It sounds like your brother is a nice person who did his best to take your cousin’s feelings into account, but you and he just have different instincts for whether your cousin would actually admit not wanting to let your brother have the name, and I don’t see how either of you could ever prove to the other one that you were right.
As much as you care about the delicate situation your family is in, the issue exists between your brother and your cousin. It’s not your issue to resolve. Much less ours.
If it were YOUR baby in question, I’d see the need for you to have a sounding board for ideas of what to do.
The situation sounds sticky, and if I were you, I’d STAY OUT.
I think it’s fine… I know so many people who pick names and are never able to use them, for various reasons. While the cousins situation is sad- and I hope for the best for them for sure, if they say it’s ok it’s fine. I do think that doubling names in families is odd if the people are particularly close but second cousins and not even a specific due date for the second seems fine.
I appreciate all the feedback. I posted about this simply because I was curious as to what you Berries think. I know what I think and would do. And I have accepted the situation and have resolved to stay out of it from now on. When my brother was first considering the name, he asked me if I thought it was wrong for them to use it. I said no at the time, because I didn’t know that my cousin and his wife would be trying again. But now that I know they are, it changes my feelings on it.
I’m not at all offended by people who say they think it’s okay for them to use the name (most people I’ve asked do). It just surprises me that no one I’ve talked to thinks it’s NOT okay.
I guess I would never use a name someone in my family had picked out for their child (in the past, present, or future). I would never use a name a friend had picked out either. Heck, I wouldn’t even use the name of my neighbor across the street, even though it was my first choice for our daughter. But that’s just me.
I think your brother should get to use it. It’s sad that your cousin is going through so much of a struggle to have a child but it’s entirely possible for one reason or another (no kids or all girls) they may never get to use the name. If the name really means a lot to your cousin then he might like the idea that there will be a child with the name although probably disappointed it isn’t his child. Also if it does mean so much to him then they could still use it. I share a name with my husband’s sister. Sure it gets confusing sometimes but for the most part it’s not really that big of a deal and we see them A LOT like almost every weekend. It’s really a lot easier to have people in a family sharing a name then I think most people would think at first.
Thank you for your story. I’m beginning to understand how it’s not such a black-and-white issue for most people. But like your sister, I still tend to see it that way.
If I were your brother, or your brother’s wife, I personally would feel weird using the name, even if I got the OK from your cousin. I don’t know your cousin, obviously, but if I were the one being asked, I wouldn’t know what to say. I would have a hard time saying “No, you can’t use the name.” I would feel like my troubles trying to conceive were suddenly under a microscope, as if it’s like “So yeah, you probably won’t be using that name anytime soon… so can we?” Whether this is the “right” way to feel or not, or whether your brother has every right to use the name, I still would not use a name in that circumstance. It would just feel odd to me.
This is me in my own head though, and it’s super easy for me on my computer to say what I would do based on a few details. I’m just trying to imagine the other side of it, but they might not feel that way at all! I can see why you posted about it, but it does sound like everything is resolved.