My husband wants to give our son his first name, which I am cool with. He also wants to use his father’s name as the middle name, which I am unsure about. I like the name, but his father’s personal history bothers me. I never met him, he passed away when my husband was 18, but he had a lot of issues. He was a serial cheater who fathered several children with other women while he was married to my mother-in-law and was physically abusive to her. He spent their marriage in and out of jail.
Both my husband and his mother say that he was a very good but traumatized man. (His own mother was murdered and he never really recovered.) Despite his faults, my husband adored him and misses him terribly. I am torn. I want to give him the name that means so much to my husband, and yet giving my son the name (even just as a middle name) of someone who does not seem to have been a good person bothers me. I know I didn’t know him, but I don’t take physical abuse lightly. His wife excusing him is her prerogative.
Does it make sense to be wary of a middle name that has a lot of darkness attached to it? Or should I get over it and let my husband use the name that is very meaningful to him?
It’s your son and if it makes you feel uncomfortable then say something. Theres many other ways to remember and honor a person then naming your child after them.
[name_m]Just[/name_m] curious, if you don’t mind sharing, what was his fathers name? Maybe theres a similar name that you could use for a middle that would make your husband happy.
I might run that by my husband. It would be nice for our son to have a part of his name that is just his own and not after anyone else. I know his dad’s name is important to him. We’ll see what we come up with.
I completely understand why this makes you uneasy and why you would br reluctant. I agree with pp that a compromise would be a good way to go, maybe another way to do that would to find a name withe the same meaning as [name_m]Daniel[/name_m]. That way he still gets to honor his father without passing on his name and your son would have a middle name that is just his.
Could you give your son his middle name? Perhaps also remember likely his mother named him so you’re just passing on something. If all the good is in the name… Then give him that? Also [name_m]Daniel[/name_m] means God will be my [name_m]Judge[/name_m]. It feels fitting in a way from your story. In the end though we are all stories… Hes no longer there and this is the only connection your husband has now. That said if it bothers you then give the middle or something he was interested in? Maybe through your husband and son being better … He leaves goodness in the world.
I understand your concerns but if it means a lot to your husband then maybe you should use it. Most people probably won’t know the history behind it, and you wouldn’t have to explain all of that. If anyone were to ask, just simply saying it was his father’s name would suffice.
I agree with the previous posters - if you are uncomfortable with using his dad’s name due to his dad’s choices in life, don’t use it. I’m also looking at that your husband wants to name the baby after himself and his dad. What about your family? Is there someone there that you would like to honor? Is there a name you just like? IMHO, it’s a bit selfish of him to want to choose the baby’s name without input from you, this baby’s mother.
[name_m]Just[/name_m] an aside - my stepfather’s family named all the boys after their father/grandfather. My step-brother’s mom said no. She said different middle name, which is the name he goes by. She chose a name she loved. There’s never been any confusion as to who has being addressed when someone calls out “[name_u]Charlie[/name_u]!” There are multiple people who answer when the other name is called out.
I’m going to be very honest. I mean no offense and I completely believe that your father in law had a good heart but had many troubling life circumstances that caused him to make poor decisions himself. HOWEVER, if it were me, I would not want to pass this enabling mindset onto my son. My children all have middle names after family members and I love to tell them about the people we named them after. I would hate for the stories I tell my children about their namesake to be filled with excuses. Yes, some people are dealt a harder hand and that does make it more difficult to live an honest life… But they’re still capable of it. After every bad decision they can decide to do better in the future… And it sounds like this man never turned it around.
I’m really not trying to be harsh. My father is a recovering alcoholic. He has been sober 15 years or so. He made a lot of poor decisions before he cleaned his life up… I hesitated to pass [name_u]James[/name_u] down as my son’s middle name because of some of the poor decisions in his past but I decided the fact that he turned his life around and is a responsible, loving man (and great grandpa) now was inspirational. However, his dad, my Grandpa, was also an alcoholic, he beat his kids, he never stopped drinking. My Grandma (who is still living) would have loved for me to pass my grandpa’s name onto a child and it was never considered. His mistakes were too severe and he never changed or acknowledged his faults.
All that to say I understand why you’re uncomfortable with the name and if you’re uncomfortable it shouldn’t be an option. Your husband will always love his dad and I’m sure he’ll tell your son about him. But if you don’t want to have these stories be part of your son’s identity, they shouldn’t be. And your husband needs to respect that, disappointed as he may be.
Good luck.
Your concerns are totally valid and I hope that you have been able to voice them to your husband and that he has been able to hear them.
I would also not feel comfortable naming a child after a person who I didn’t want my child to look up to/be like. I hope you two can find a name you both love for your son’s middle name.
While I understand your feelings. Maybe choose to think about the positives that this msn brought into.upur husband’s life; that helped form your husband into the man he is today! At least it is a middle name! Also can maybe choose a compromise into the middle being [name_u]Neil[/name_u].
Here’s how I see it: If your husband gets to select the first name, he doesn’t also get to select the middle name unless you are in agreement. It doesn’t really matter WHY you’re uncomfortable with the middle name [name_m]Daniel[/name_m] - all that matters is that you ARE. And because of that, I’d look for another name that either sounds close to it (I do like the suggestion of [name_m]Nathaniel[/name_m] or [name_u]Neil[/name_u]) or shares the same letter. Is there anyone from your family you can or want to honor?
I also understand and really feel for your saying that you want your son to have a name that is part of his own - I 100% agree with that as well.
Hmmm I agree with you that would make me uncomfortable. He was an abuser regardless… plus i think it’s a little unfair that your husband’s family will be all of his names??
[name_f]Do[/name_f] you have someone you would like to honor or just a name you would love to use?
Maybe as a compromise you could use the first or the middle and then you choose a different name of your choice (that he agrees to) it’s a joint effort.
Why isn’t your family represented in the name? I don’t think it’s fair for your husband to dictate the full name like that, especially when [name_m]Daniel[/name_m] has such baggage attached to it.
I think the possibly most diplomatic and fair option would be to suggest that, since you are using one of his suggestions, you’d like to choose a family name from your side (or a name that you like in general). Perhaps you could reconsider using his dad’s name for a different pregnancy and, by that time, the idea may not be as strong to him anymore.
I absolutely agree with this. So, your son will have his father’s name, his paternal grandfather’s middle name, and their last name?? [name_m]How[/name_m] is that fair? Where is your family/input in your son’s name?
First, I strongly dislike giving a child a parent’s name (either gender). This is a new person and should have a unique name. But, I know some ppl are okay with Jrs. BUT your husband should not get to choose all three names. That’s grossly unfair to you. Tell him he can pick all three names if he goes through the labor!!
My feelings on the [name_m]Jr[/name_m] stuff aside, I really think you should stand your ground on the middle name. This is your child, and saying his name should fill you with joy, not dread. I don’t even think you should find a similar name, because you will still know it’s an honor name for someone you don’t feel like honoring.
Tell your husband that you would like to honor someone in YOUR family with the middle name. The child is both of yours. Why should he get to give all three names? If he still feels strongly about using his father’s name, then tell him you get to choose the first name or last name.
Our daughter actually shares the same first name as my grandmother, who passed away suddenly before we were married. I was devastated and my husband had suggested that if we had a daughter one day, we should give her my grandma’s name. I was never a fan of namesakes, but I was surprised by how meaningful it was to me. I was closer to her than anyone else in my family. It hurts me that my grandma will never meet my daughter, but at least I get to say her name every day. We did give her a middle name that is just her own.
I actually have no male family members that I am close to. I had never met my father growing up, and then when I finally did I wish I hadn’t. I’m not close with my grandfather or any uncles or male cousins, so I would never consider the men on my side for naming inspiration.
I really appreciate everyone who has commented on this post. I was very torn and it helps to get other perspectives. I’m still considering my options, but I already feel a lot better after discussing it here.
Is there a male version of a female relative’s name you would like to honor? Either on your side or his? He wants to honor his father so badly, but what about his mother?