Yes. [name_f]Every[/name_f] day I miss my son [name_u]Daniel[/name_u]. I carried him for 9 months and then one day he was just gone. They said it was likely to happen, at an appointment 6 months prior, and would I like to terminate? No. Not my son, no matter what, no matter if he was going to die, no matter if my life would become terrifyingly difficult caring for a son who was hospital bound and unable to survive on his own, no, I would not be the one to end his life. Six months of wondering, praying, reading studies and studying sonograms to see what they were seeing. He just didn’t look that different. In the middle of it all, someone told me I was a good mom to [name_u]Daniel[/name_u] because I was protecting my son with everything I had, even if the odds weren’t great. They weren’t even good, but a mom loves and protects her son no matter what.
I begged and bartered. I prayed without stopping. I could not hold onto anything. I was helpless and utterly without hope, and yet God was my help. He held me when I was falling apart. God knew exactly what I was suffering… His [name_m]Son[/name_m] died so my son would live. He was my comfort in the lonely times when absolutely no one else could identify with my grief.
I still miss [name_u]Daniel[/name_u] every day, but life, no matter if you live 9 months or 90 years is a breath. It’s fleeting. One day i will meet my boy in heaven, him running around in complete joy saying, “Mom, you gotta come see THIS!!” I can’t wait!
In the sense of my babies I lost, absolutely. I wonder what they were. I wonder what they’d be doing now. The first would likely have been doing a preschool or daycare graduation and seeing the pictures my friends share of their little ones in teeny caps and gowns stings. I wonder what they would like…any and all kinds of vehicles like their brother does or something else? What would their favorite songs have been? What would those first early moments, right after their births, would have been like, to soak in those special moment and start the newest journey of meeting them? Some days I live with the what ifs. Others, the world keeps turning and I live my life, then feel guilty about it for awhile.
In the sense of the child we still feel like is yet to come, absolutely. We are totally enamored with our son and things often feel okay as is. Then there’s days when we go to the store and it feels like someone is missing. It feels like we still have a little one to buckle in or something, if that makes sense. Then there are nights when I dream about us having another baby and I wake up and almost look for them, in a sense.
I have 5 babies now that I’ve not had the privilege of meeting. And yes, meeting your healthy, strong baby is a privilege. However, I like to think that I have not lost any single little person, no soul was lost in my losses. I like to think that the babies I’ve lost, are just waiting. Waiting for the day that there’s a strong healthy body for them, waiting for the day that they can grow and flourish in me and with me. I believe the universe knows if/when we are ready for these little souls to join us in our journey. And maybe sometimes, they/we are never ready, and that our lives are meant for something else. I will never have 5 live babies, but I do believe that if I am given the privilege of motherhood, the baby I am given will be my Patience, My Opal, My Hope, My Haven, My Wren. The next baby will be a testament to those losses, and I believe is ultimately the baby I was meant to have. All those attempts for the one little soul to come truly alive, all bundled up in one
Please know that many many of us that struggle with infertility are still completely ProChoice I have also made that difficult choice in my life and I know of several others on Nameberry that have too. Choosing to wait until you can truly and fully provide for another life is not selfish or wrong. It’s important to break the poverty cycle and move forward.
Sending you so much love and I hope you get your baby, even if the journey isn’t the easiest.
Something I was thinking about today… how fertility grief ruins pregnancy announcements…
“Omg I’m pregnant!” is replaced with “here we go again… what’ll happen this time?”
I don’t plan for cutsey announcements for family, because part of me thinks its not worth it… I think “might as well just send them a boring old text because we probably shouldn’t get too excited…”
@_thelittlefairywren
I completely understand, after 5 losses I kind of don’t even want to know myself until the 20 week anatomy scan but I’ll still test the moment I can hahaha
We had planned a sweet surprise for his parents for our 4th loss, we were going for our 12w ultrasound and then seeing his parents the next week for Father’s [name_u]Day[/name_u]. That gift is still in my closet waiting to be given. It’s a onesie that says “Only the Best Parents get promoted to Grand!”, I hope to still gift it to them one day but it’s bittersweet in my heart now.
Miscarriage steals the joy and excitement and replaces it with anxiety and worry, it is the worst thing… but it’s important to have hope and know every pregnancy is different. I still will fear my 12 week ultrasounds, and I can’t personally rely on good hcg numbers to calm my nerves. The statistics screwed me once, I won’t trust them again. I had doctors look at me and apologize, the odds of a previously beating heart stopping at 12 weeks are tiny. And here we are.
But we’ll still try again.
To be honest though, if pregnancy 6 doesn’t work out, I think it’s the surrogacy route for us.
Definitely have some grief when it comes to fertility - I’ve had 3 known losses and 2 assumed 3-5wk losses - just due to the timing of the alleged period being off and the pain and other factors.
Name interests are definitely a coping method. In a negative mindset such as the depression/ after a loss or the stress of struggling with the comprehension that I can’t seem to get pregnant, I am away from the hobby/interest. In a positive mindset, I am in the world of name nerding - like right now I find myself in a positive mindset and thinking what would be a good name for a future child that goes ok with the stepkids’ names.
And not to be mean to my partner, his ex or the kids, I like to think about how I’d name the stepkids (I like 2 out of the 4 names)
I’m taking a breath…I try not to put time limit on these things. But I’m going to turn my attention to my career, let myself relax, and maybe I’ll start up trying in a year or two. I’m thinking more about fostering later on. The goal is fostering is, of course, reunification. But having a child to help and love might be a comfort.
It’s okay to take breaks. I’m lucky to have the time. I know a lot of my friends in the journey are older and feeling the pressure. But if you can, rest up guys! You’ll get back to it stronger.
Does anyone else wonder how people just accidentally get pregnant? Like how can you put so much effort in and get zip results, but others are like “oops… guess we’re pregnant now!” How??? I dont begrudge them their babies… I just wish the system made sense and was fairer… sigh
I try to ignore Mother’s [name_u]Day[/name_u], between a strained relationship with my own mother and my empty uterus and 5 losses, I don’t feel much about the day except numbness.
I was thinking about it yesterday, wondering if I’d ever celebrate Mother’s [name_u]Day[/name_u] even if I find myself with a child…. Sometimes it just feels like a celebration designed to leave a lot of people out and on the sidelines.
Bereaved Mother’s [name_u]Day[/name_u] was [name_f]Sunday[/name_f] and I always share on my Instagram for that, so that no one out there is feeling alone.
I’m a trans male and am starting hormones in three years which will basically kill off my fertility. I was 11 when I found out and was heartbroken. I can freeze my egg while I still have them and try IVF. I’ve been a name nerd ever since I realized I couldn’t conceive “the normal way”. I’m not sure if it’s helping me but it’s how I stay optimistic for the future. For anyone who struggling with infertility and it’s all they think about (this is going to sound really unhelpful but) try a hobby you can do with your hands like pottery, knitting or drawing. Best of luck to you all
Hey! There’s plenty of seahorse dads out there. HRT doesn’t always compromise fertility in trans men and transmasculine people. You do have to go off temporarily to get/remain pregnant though.
Of course, if your fertility goes away we will be here for you regardless and there’s always hope!
Thankfully I don’t suffer from mother’s day. I love my mom and we’ve never made a huge deal out of it. I do find myself thinking about the future more on days like this. But I’m starting to come to terms with the fact that it may not happen the way I want it to.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I love the genuine care and compassion that I see all over the forums.
