…so feel free to skip if you’re not interested! (Which I would totally understand.)
Oh Berries, I just found out my little sister is pregnant AGAIN with her 3rd, (4th pregnancy actually, with an unfortunate miscarriage in between.). I almost cried when she told us. I felt selfish and angry, and I HATE feeling that way. But we have been trying for 2 years and nada. Endometriosis seems to be the looming diagnosis, but I won’t know for sure until I get a lap, (with my next Dr. Appt coming up in about a week.). In the mean time, the pain gets progressively worse every month, and I feel like a CRAZY [name]PERSON[/name] every 4 weeks hanging on to that little glimmer of hope that the test might come out positive, only to feel those old, familiar pains starting up in my gut again.
It’s been harder and harder to go to work, and I’m progressively becoming more and more impatient with the kids and my coworkers, (which is not like me.) People who get pregnant infuriate me, even though I’m well aware how completely irrational that is. I can’t even look the women at work who are expecting in the eye anymore, let alone participate in all the baby preparatory madness.
Berries, there is no point to these ramblings other than to rant. After some online research, I realize the things I feel are normal for someone dealing with infertility struggles. But they make me feel nuts and are taking a significant toll on most aspects of my life. They affect my work performance, my relationship with colleagues, friends, family, even my husband, (who I become irrationally angry at, even though I know he tries the best he knows how to be supportive and is dealing with frustrations of his own in the matter.)
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I’ve vented a few times in Nameberry about this topic, and I’m always grateful to those of you who take time to read and respond. You make me feel less alone!
[name]Ashley[/name], I am so sorry. Not about fertility, but I know what envy is, and what it’s like to have your insides twisted up in a knot of jealousy even while you’re ashamed of being so spiteful. I am sure you are a wonderful aunt and will love your new niece/nephew to pieces, and this early reaction has nothing to do with your sister or the little one on the way.
Thankfully so many of the causes of infertility are treatable and/or reversible, endometriosis included. Good luck pursuing the answer.
Oh tintri…I hope you are able to get pregnant soon. I have a lot of empathy for woman who struggle to conceive because I really, really thought it would be me. My mom has pcos, and had to take clomid to have me. My 4 other siblings are adopted, and it wasn’t until recently that I found out they had actually tried to have more kids after me. They tried until I was about 3.5, I think. When my husband and I were still dating, I insisted that my doctor check all my hormone levels, and do an ovarian ultrasound to look for cysts. I told him that I didn’t want to ttc for a year or more, when I could know right now if I might be in for some difficulties. At least if I knew what I was facing, I could try to prepare myself mentally for it. [name]Even[/name] when everything looked fine, I was still sure it would take months. The average, healthy couple in my age range would take 6-9 months to conceive, so I figured I was in for at least 9 months! In the end, I didn’t have any trouble getting pregnant.
I’m sure that’s not want you want to hear. Maybe you’d have preferred me not to reply since I never struggled with actual infertily, and only imagined that I would. I’m sorry that it is affecting your work, and messing with your normal happy self. It’s hard to be happy for someone when you want nothing more than to have what they have. I hope you get some resolution soon, whether it is endometriosis or not. Once you know the problem, you can work on a solution. And that is a step in the right direction!
There’s actually a few comments similar to yours over on the TTC 2013 thread (on the last couple of pages), which might help you to read. Then you’ll definitely know you’re not the only one who has these feelings!
EDIT - Forgot to add, I absolutely adore the names in your signature!
I haven’t commented on this subject over in the TTC thread recently, and am hesitant to comment on yours as well, because this topic hits SO close to home for me and is SUCH a sensitive issue for me right now that I have nothing constructive or helpful to say to you, other than to let you know that you are not alone in these feelings. I wish you all the best, tintri, and hope you get that baby you are longing for.
Fertility is one thing that hits close to home for me. My best friend will never be able to bare children. Growing up she had always said she never wanted children. It’s one things to not want children but, another to be told you can’t. I have listened to her pain many times since she opened up to me. I wish you the best and that maybe talk out your feelings with someone so that this doesn’t consume you. [name]Remember[/name] that there are many things you can try to help you conceive and I know it might not feel the same but adoption is always an open door. I hope you are blessed with a miracle.
Doesn’t life just suck sometimes? It does, and I think people need to be allowed to say so every now and then, so there will be no empty “silver lining” words here. [name]Just[/name] agreement that it sucks.
Also, I really hope your totally non-sucky happy day comes sooner rather than later.
If it makes you feel better I have a friend with endometriosis who tried for 2 years to get pregnant and went through the same emotions you have and even has a younger sister, too. She ended up having surgery and 3 years later, she is pregnant with her third child and so so so happy! It will happen:)
It is always nice to know that others are going through a hard time as well. It sucks though. I totally understand, we have been trying for almost 5 years and I have had 2 miscarriages. Currently, hoping and praying that this little one sticks!
All the best to everyone that has been trying a long time!
I’m so sorry for your situation. Your feelings are totally normal though. So many of us have expressed similar feelings on the TTC 2013 thread. My sister is officially trying this month and when she conceives I know it will be very bittersweet for me.
Hugs to you! I know it is hard and very painful, don’t feel guilty about your feelings. I was considered infertile with premature ovarian failure…it took many years of trying, all along my doctors were telling me it would never happen. I couldn’t stand being around pregnant women, especially those who would complain about their pregnancies (I would have given anything to be pregnant!) and listening to my super fertile friends. I have one friend with 4 kids, and they literally planned every detail because they were so fertile she could conceive just about whenever they tried…she was complaining about possibly having two children with February birthdays, so [name]April[/name] would be better, so they would try a certain month and would of course get pregnant the moment they wanted to. I could have cared less when my baby was due, I just wanted a baby!
I hope you find some answers soon! For what it is worth, I finally got pregnant after 4 years of trying. That pregnancy woke my body up or something, because I was fairly easily able to get pregnant again 2 years after my first and then again 2 years after my second.
Tintri, I’ve been dealing with this exact same stuff. It’s like every month is a roller coaster and it had been getting worse and worse every month. Finally last month I had resolved to seek counselling but was having trouble finding someone good and affordable. IF I hadn’t gotten pg this cycle I would have definitely gotten an appt with a counselor and probably had another huge breakdown, since this was the last cycle before it would be possible to give birth before I turned 30 and the dd would be around my b-day, so it would have been a double hard hit. Last month when I got the neg test again I was the same way, I couldn’t look at pregnant women and they annoyed me greatly as well as not being able to look at small infants and feeling put off by their presence. Getting off facebook helps a lot. Being that I know no one else who has gone through these feelings it is so hard to feel like no one understands what you’re going through. We have TTC for over a year also with a miscarriage and had the whole fertility work up and although everything showed up normal, it was still frustrating to have no answers as to why we weren’t getting pg even though we were timing it right. I would get so pissed when sitting in the fertility clinic and some people would bring their kids into the office. SO freaking insensitive to bring kids to an infertility office. I looked into endometriosis b/c i wasn’t sure if that could be why we were having trouble since the only way to diagnose was a Lap and I wasn’t ready for that yet. Maybe IUI would be a good option for you, I hear it’s very helpful for Endometriosis. My heart just goes out to you, you aren’t alone in this. Its such a silent issue, I’m so glad you brought it up, we need more awareness about how infertility affects women emotionally, I hope you find a good support system. It might help to talk to your sister and other family members about your feelings so that there is more of an awareness of what’s going on with you and hopefully from that will come compassion from them. All the luck in the world to you. And if you can’t handle going to your sisters baby shower or helping her get ready for the baby, its okay, you have to do what you need to to stay mentally healthy. HUGS
I’m so sorry, that’s all I can say. I can’t imagine your frustration. Our good friends are infertile, so I’m familiar enough with the envy and anger you’re feeling. I wish you the best and hope that at some point your parenthood dreams come true.
I’m sorry [name]Ash[/name] - I have a close friend who just recently got pregnant after years of trying and hormone-replacement type therapy. She works in a family health and said it was really tough for her to see pregnant teens and young children every day. Like there was no escaping how stupidly lucky everyone else was and how she always felt like they were rubbing her fertility problems in her face. I’d call and she’d be sitting on her bed in the dark because she was just so upset. So, I can totally see how you can be so upset with your sister while also wanting to be excited for her.
The upside I see is that your future baby will always know that it was wanted and loved before it was even conceived. From someone who knows they were an accident baby and who was a very solitary child I can’t see there being a greater gift you can give your kids. (I know it’s little comfort now, but sometimes a silver lining is a great thing to hold on-to).
And, in the mean time. We are all here to read your rants and send you cyber hugs whenever you need.
[name]Edit[/name]: [name]Just[/name] a thought.
Very different but, when my SO’s mother was dying, I started to feel like I was resenting her. Everything in our lives was about her and I ended up doing all the house chores and putting my life on hold to make sure he didn’t have to and could get through the period as easily as possible. I had days where I just wanted to scream - so I went to talk to a councilor. You’d be surprised how great it is to talk to someone outside of your family and friends whose just completely on your side regardless of how ugly you think your feelings are. - I know it can be expensive, and I was in Grad School so it was for free but you can see if you can find someone working on their doctorate who wants to get their feet wet and make a little cash. It might help you more than you’d think. Ranting online is great but getting a human reassuring reaction can be irreplaceable.
(Which I would totally understand.)
