[name_m]Hi[/name_m] I’m due at the end of march and unfortunately my fiance passed away after a car accident about a month before I found out I was pregnant.
I’d always assumed that I would give the baby my fiance’s surname as I think he deserves that, and it just feels right to me. I’d mentioned it in conversation to my siblings and my fiance’s family and they all think that it’s all up to me what I choose to do. I mentioned it the other day to my mother and she threw a fit over it, saying that it’s pointless as they’ll never meet and that their father will never be here.
[name_f]My[/name_f] Dad said not to worry about her, as she nags a lot with things like this and also she did try to convince me to abort the baby when I found out because she thought it would be really hard on me. She’s right, it has been really hard, but I want this baby more than anything right now even though it’s been a tough journey.
I tried looking up online about where I really stand with it and what is the best thing to do but I haven’t found any information that helps me much. I still want to use his surname but is it the best thing to do? [name_f]My[/name_f] sister did mention that it means we wont have the same surname but I don’t mind at all, and I think it will make me smile seeing the baby with his surname, considering that I never got the chance to take it officially.
Very sorry for your loss! I would use his surname…it is the babies dad after all and the only thing the baby will have of their father…it also seems like that is what you want to do so I say go for it!
From your post it seems like YOU want to use his surname, and that is all that matters. He is still the child’s father regardless, and I think the surname is one of the few connections the baby will have with him. Very sorry for your loss.
I’m sad to hear of your loss. A great loss like you’ve experienced is difficult in any situation but it really is tough when you pregnant and trying to cope with that life change as well. [name_f]My[/name_f] heart goes out to you.I can see both sides but it really depends on how YOU feel (not your family or strangers on the internet). Here are some questions that you might want to ask yourself before making a final decision.
(1) What first name are you choosing? Does it flow better with your surname or your late fiance’s?
(2) You say you wouldn’t mind your baby with his surname so maybe the next question is unimportant: would you always be reminded of your loss every time you say your baby’s full name?
(3) Have you considered using both surnames (hyphenated or not)?
(4) If you meet someone else in the future (I know it’s hard to think about that right now), how do you think he would feel about your child having someone else’s surname?
Personally, I would choose option three but I can’t make that decision for you. If both your surnames sound good together and with the name you’ve chosen, that would honour both the mother and father’s family. If you’re perfectly fine with the idea of just your fiance’s surname, then go for it! Only YOU can decide what’s best for YOU and your child. Good luck!
I’m so sorry for your loss! What a tough position to be in. One thing to consider is whether you might get married to another man one day, and whether you might take that man’s name. If so, then your names (yours and your baby’s) will still be different eventually, so I wouldn’t worry about that problem.
If you feel like your fiance deserved this, then I’m sure that you’re right! I love that you said it would make you smile - if this makes you happy, then I say go for it! It would be a wonderful thing for your baby to have, and your mom will get over it (speaking as someone who also has an extremely opinionated mom…).
I do prefer his surname too which is making me lean toward giving the baby his, as my surname is quite long and gets misspelled and pronounced incorrectly quite often, while his is fairly known and people never spell/pronounce it wrong. I’m not 100% sure what the name will be but my favourites at the moment are [name_m]Malcolm[/name_m] and [name_f]Rosalie[/name_f] and both of those names work better with his surname.
As for meeting someone else, that is something I have thought about. Maybe it will happen but I can’t see myself being upset if my child still has his fathers surname and not the same as their step-fathers and mine, as even if I do meet someone else, his father will still always mean a lot to me.
Ok, your difficult surname seems to make the “two surnames” option a little too cumbersome. If your chosen names are good with his surname and it makes you happy, then that’s the path you should take. I think perhaps you had already made up your mind until your mother made you doubt yourself. Stick to your guns if that’s the decision that seems right to you.
[name_f]Hope[/name_f] this doesn’t come off as rude…but your mom sounds like a total insert word that rhymes with witch.
If using your fiance’s surname on your little one will make you smile. Then use it. You could always use the surname as a middle name instead (if you wanted to have the same surname as your child).
I spoke to my mother again yesterday and she apologised, and said that the decision is mine to make and not hers. I was surprised but then I spoke to my father and he told me that he’d spoken to her about it and basically told her that she was being ridiculous.
I feel more confident about using his surname now, even though I know she’ll prefer it if I didn’t use his surname, I’m pretty sure I will anyway.
Thank you all for your help, you’ve made me feel better about the situation!
I just wanted to add that I have a different last name than my 3 children and it has never posed a problem. It doesn’t bother me in the least, so I wouldn’t worry too much about it.
Your post actually gave me shivers. I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine the emotions you have been through and will continue to go through.
I think you should go ahead and give your baby his last name. He didn’t walk out of his baby’s life, and his baby would have his last name otherwise. Besides, that is what YOU want to do.
I would include the surname somewhere in the babies name if your family doesn’t want it to be the last name make it the middle name or do a hyphenated last name. Sorry to hear about your loss.
So sorry to hear of your loss, especially at such a time.
You sound like you do want to use your fiancé’s surname for this child, which is wonderful. But one thing you may not have thought about- would you feel comfortable explaining why you and your child have different surnames to anyone who may ask? I mean people at your child’s school, the doctor’s office, etc. who you may not know. It sounds like an innocent question but isn’t something everyone would be comfortable with. Could explaining be painful or difficult for your child? If these are concerns it’s probably best to put it as a middle. Or hyphenated with your last name so he has the option of dropping one later, which would be easier than changing it completely. I know people with hyphenated or double last names who only use one of them.
I, too, am sorry for your loss. I’m with the others, if YOU want to use his surname, do it!! However, maybe your mom might be a bit more accepting/understanding if you hyphenated the names??? But ultimately, it’s your baby so you should name him or her what you choose!
I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine going through that and then carrying his baby as well. But you’ll at least have a piece of him with you. If you want to use his last name, go right ahead! Another option is to hyphenate your name and his name if it sounds good with the name you choose for the baby. I think it’s perfectly fine if the baby’s name is different than yours. It would be after their father which I think they both deserve.