Foster Care/Adoptive Parents

I have always wanted to be a foster parent and/or adopt a child. I think it is a wonderful thing to do for many reasons that I don’t need to get into right now. My boyfriend isn’t so sure about it. This would be a long ways away for us, I want to finish school, get married, and have at least one child of my own first, but it is definitely something we have to think about now. I have realized lately the importance of planning early, because it prepares us financially and emotionally for everything we are undertaking. The foster care system is something that I really want more information on, and I would love if someone could help me (we live in the USA). I would also appreciate hearing the benefits from someone else’s point of view. I would never want to push my boyfriend into something he doesn’t want to do, but I would love if he were able to make a more educated decision based on more information. Thank you for any help you can provide!

[name]Hi[/name] encore, I also came to this forum to inquire about information on adoption through foster care/waiting list. So, if you do not mind, I would like to add my two-cents --while waiting for those to tell their stories about their process of adoption.

I am also interested in information that can help with the process of adopting through foster care. I have been interested in adopting since I was a teenager. I know each state may have their own set of rules and obligations, but I would like to know your experience with the whole process. I know it will be hard, but what helped motivated you? Did you originally have a age group, gender, single/sibling, or other preference? I know it may sound harsh, but I have seen some applications online referring to such information. If so, did you feel kinda of bad having a preference on which type of child you were/are willing to adopt?

Thanks for the more specific questions! I really appreciate the interest.

Also, I talked to first-time foster parents yesterday. They have had a baby girl for a month (since she was 6 days old) and she is going to permanently live with her extended family tomorrow. They are thrilled that she is being placed with family since they think it’s the best thing for her, but they are heartbroken to lose her. [name]How[/name] have others coped with this?

I was adopted, and I have mixed feelings about it. It’s rather long to explain, but google and/or youtube “psychology of adopted kids.” Some of it maybe hard to understand or believe, but it happens to most everyone. My parents thought the way Ivwas raised se could avoid that and the same.with my friends and my other friends, but it’s really hard to avoid.

I don’t want to talk you out of it so if you do go for it, good for you. [name]Just[/name] be there for your child and respect her thoughts and feelings. [name]One[/name] mistake that my parents made, that I’m not sure is mentioned in studies, was they thought I was theirs. I was but they treated me as their babydoll.

My family has adopted kids, one of the reason why I was encouraged to start the adoption process.

The only thing is that…

  1. They knew the biological mother of the one. So, if he had questions, he knew who she was. It was the child’s choice to not really socialize with her. Although he does keep in contact with some of his biological siblings.

  2. Four of them are originally my nieces adopted by family members. The older two went to one family and the younger 2 went to another. It may sound bad, but it’s actually not. Currently, we have three, the other one wanted to stay with the other family members for school purposes. They are in contact with each other. ([name]Don[/name]'t want to go into any more details.) So, they know of my sister, and do have questions that may not get answered by her. They ask, “why couldn’t she raise us?” or “why isn’t she really around?” Hard to answer when you are not sure yourself. We assure them they are loved and no matter what we will continue to do so.

I have never thought about adopting because of the “baby doll effect.” I wanted to adopt to continue to expand my family, continue to give love to children that may or may not have experienced it while in foster care.

I have no intention of hiding any details that my future adopted children may have. I, however, my wait when I feel they are age appropriate if it involves harsh details or its for their protection to wait until they are older.

I was adopted. I highly respect both my parents and am extremely grateful, but I do have mixed feelings about adoption. I would google “psychology of adoptees.” Some of it may be hard to understand or believe that it might happen to your kids, but it’s real and it really does happen.

I don’t want to discourage you from adopting, because adopting really is a fantastic thing. [name]One[/name] thing that was hardest for me, being adopted, was my parents treated me as their baby doll. Yes, I was their daughter, but they everything I did, including how I dressed, how I acted, how I felt, what sports I did, when and what I ate, was according to them.

If you really want to adopt, I say go for it! Good luck, and the process can be long and tiring, so stay strong!

Thank you for the feedback. I really hope you don’t find this disrespectful, but isn’t them treating you like their baby doll just their parenting? It has nothing to do with being adopted or biological, I would think that’s just how they parent? Again, I don’t want to be rude, just looking for clarification. Thank you!

I see that this thread is mostly about adoption, but you did talk about fostering also, so I will comment on that. We are on our first foster experience with two sisters who have been with us over a year, since they were 1 month and 16 months old. Where we live, fostering does not provide an income, but we are paid enough (supposedly!) for their expenses. We are doing it for love! And it will break our hearts when they are taken away from us to go back to their parents, probably in a few months, but that is the ultimate goal and we want what is best for them. So we will also be left with heartache but have yet to face that. And they have brought so much love and joy and laughter to us! And challenges, too, of course. We will never regret being a foster family.
As far as fostering to adopt, I can’t comment on that, but I think it would be a great way to adopt. We are fostering with an aboriginal agency and we are non-aboriginal, which would make it more difficult. However, adoption was not a reason we went into fostering. We thought we could offer a home and love to needy children while teaching our own children compassion and giving.
Older children would of course have different needs and would be a greater challenge. We are willing to take special needs children but have not been asked to do that so far.

I was a foster parent for 10 years and had approximately 40 children in that time ranging in age 10 days to 14 years old. We adopted a sibset of boy and a girl in those years. We had 1 birth child…([name]One[/name] problem with adoption, they already have a name chosen by someone else…eek) I jest, of course…but seriously… It was the most exciting, tiring and educational time of my life and I loved (?) every minute of it!..Dealing with the broken system is the hardest saddest part, next to the children leaving you after a long stay (yes, sometimes after years )…I have regained contact with some of them through facebook and have had a reunion or two. Its quite rewarding. You will find foster parents who have different philosophies than yours but thats life, just do you.

Chmiller- I am fascinated by your thoughs and perspective as you yourself were adopted. I would love to hear more when you have time to write. I pray daily that I am raising my two adopted sons in a way that will bring [name]Glory[/name] to the [name]Lord[/name], and that they are and will be happy as a part of our family. As with any child there are not gurantees in life, and I am only human.

I can not speak to fostering or adopting from the US. Our two sons were adopted from [name]Kenya[/name]. I can tell you that being emotionally, financially and mentally prepared ahead of time is very wise. The process (I would assume both in the US as well as international) is complicated, long and full of ups and downs. It is esential that you have support in one another, and taht you are completely on the same page :slight_smile:

I want to adopt too when I’m older! [name]Just[/name] to add to the questions-has anyone here changed the name of their adoptive child. I know I sound awful but I just couldn’t live with it if she was called something like [name]Princess[/name]. Also, names sometimes can give impressions and if her name is on registers and legal documents I couldn’t bring myself to write it down. Is changing the name of your adoptive child legal?

Yes, it is legal to change your adoptive child’s name. I don’t have an adopted child myself but a couple I’m friends with adopted a foster child a few years ago. They did change her name because her original name was one of those awful names along the lines of [name]Princess[/name] (she also had three middle names and each was more kre8tive and ridiculous then the next, so no good naming options there either). When it came to remaining her, what they did was make a list of about 30 names (some similar in sound to her original names, some not) and let her choose which one she wanted and they chose the middle name. As far as I know, the little girl was fine with changing her name (she was about 7 at the time).

I think it’s really great that they let their daughter have a say. It is her name after all.

That sounds like a good idea! I also think that it is a fresh start for the child and choosing a new name gives them a new identity which helps them forget some of the awful things that have happened to them.

I would never want to tell you what you should do but I want to adopt too. A deal-breaker for me with a guy is not wanting children (like many women) though not willing/wanting to adopt is also a deal-breaker to me as well. You have to decide what is the most important to you /or not. Good luck with everything :). :).

Also compromise is important. My bf now wants bio children and if we stay together we will try for bio children and adopt too.