Gender creative parenting and baby names 🏳️‍🌈

[bemiranda]

Some terms to get our convo started:

Enby: a person who identifies outside the gender binary.

Trans: a person who identifies with a gender other than their sex assigned at birth.

Team Green: waiting to find out your child’s sex assigned at birth.

Gender neutral/nonbinary names: names used by both sexes (with or without a bias to males or females.)

Gender creative parenting: according to mom’s.com- “… gender creative parenting promotes gender equality and the freedom to express however you feel without being tied down from gender stereotypes. This can be as simple as letting a child pick their clothes, whether it’s pink or blue, to referring to them as they/them until they tell you otherwise.”

Gender-creative parenting is considered a “new” thing, however since the definition is so broad and inclusive of a lot of different ideas (not just using they/them pronouns or nb names, although that’s totally valid too.) I’ve realized a lot of families I know do some form of gcp without even realizing it!

So that’s made me wonder, if you are/ are planning to use gender creative parenting, how has that impacted your view on baby names?

Do you think a nonbinary name is a necessary part?

Bonus: if you identify with a gender outside of your sex assigned at birth, or outside the binary, would being given a gender-neutral name have helped you affirm your gender?

Please feel free to leave as long or short of an answer as you like! Thanks 🫶🏼

Edit part 1: non parents feel free to respond!!
Edit part 2: I used gender neutral names for my lo, but for future babies I am unsure if it’s necessary

[Rosebeth]

If gender creative parenting is described as “throwing gender stereotypes out the window and focusing on your kids’ unique characteristics” than yes, we’re doing that. We never gender toys, clothes, activities, behavior etc. We teach our children that being a boy doesn’t mean you can’t do certain things, that being a girl doesn’t mean you have to do certain things. And we teach them that not everybody falls within the binary of “boy/man” and “girl/woman”. However, we do think it’s important that they realize biological sex and gender are two different things.

That being said, it took me a long time to look beyond the boys/girls division when it comes to baby names. I grew up in a society where names are very clearly gendered, and the approach to names is pretty conservative (although that’s starting to change). Unisex names barely exist. That influenced my view on names. But lately, I’ve realized that the divide between boys and girls names is in some cases very artificial. I’m aware though, that a lot of names, especially the classic ones, have a long history of usage and I’m not always a fan of gender bending, particularly when it comes to names with a cultural or religious significance. It feels more natural to me when it comes to “modern” nature or word names.

Our children don’t have gender neutral names, which has to do with the fact that we make a distinction between gender and biological sex. I don’t think that having a gendered name will prevent our children from avoiding gender stereotypes (if that’s what they’re comfortable with) or expressing themselves in the way they want to.

[tallemaja]

To give a short answer: I don’t plan on any sort of “gendered” parenting - it just goes against what I stand for, personally. [name_f]My[/name_f] kids can present themselves any way that makes them happy and make their own decisions when it comes to self-expression.

But I don’t really see gender neutral names as having any particular benefit. I’ve struggled a lot with my own gender expression but my name has never concerned that. And I know multiple genderqueer people whose birth name was something gender neutral, but who changed it anyway, because it doesn’t matter what your name before was - it’s about making that distinction of that was me then, as that gender, and this is me now, with a new name, known as another gender or no gender at all.

So I wouldn’t say my parenting plans are in any way related to names! I tend to prefer gender-conforming names, with the exceptions of nature names (I love [name_f]Summer[/name_f], [name_u]Hazel[/name_u] and [name_u]Willow[/name_u] on any gender, for example). It’s also a little unrealistic to say that gender neutral names would be a necessary part of non-gendered parenting, considering that most languages don’t even have gender neutral names at all!

[bemiranda]

Thanks for your response!! You brought up a lot of good points that my partner did! They grew up in a very conservative Spanish Catholic household, we’re gender neutral names don’t really exist my lo has a nb name, but my partner has pointed out that they may end up wanting a gendered name to affirm their identity… It’s a lot to think about 🫶🏼

[bemiranda]

@tallemaja

It’s also a little unrealistic to say that gender neutral names would be a necessary part of non-gendered parenting, considering that most languages don’t even have gender neutral names at all!

I believe so too! I also think putting too many boxes on what “has to be apart” of gender creative parenting defeats the purpose! All the folxs I know who gcp have said that the probouns you use and names you choose are a personal choice and you can still gcp! thanks for the response

[bemiranda]

Of course non parents are welcome to comment!!! This is beautiful take!!! I love your willingness to let your kids guide you no matter what (even if you like to be in control.) I think listening to our own children is the most important part Thanks for responding!!

[bemiranda]

On a more personal note: after multiple miscarriages I had a very hard time bonding with my baby when I was pregnant. So I choose a gn name 2 days after I found out I was expecting, and found out what their sex would be at one of my many high-risk scans. So I completely understand how important those steps can be for people in their pregnancy journey

[bemiranda]

Yes I agree the road to parenthood is joyful, but not trauma-free for most people. And yeah, I also just learned that’s what enby meant

[hellobanjo]

I don’t know that anyone would admit to not doing gender creative parenting if all it means is not limiting your child’s choices or dreams based on their sex or gender.

[bemiranda]

That’s true, although I think it’s more about teaching our children the difference between sex, gender, and gender expression. But I also think it’s about opening up the conversations about queer people and the construct of gender in general. Not just “you can be a strong women” or “ you can be a good guy”

[bemiranda]

Although if it’s genuine, no gender expression is “wrong”. I’m a very feminine women and I like it

[Rosebeth]

@hellobanjo

I don’t know that anyone would admit to not doing gender creative parenting if all it means is not limiting your child’s choices or dreams based on their sex or gender.

Really? Because I know plenty of parents who do this and freely admit it.

[Strawberry.Bunny]

I’m not a parent, and I might never be one. But as a nonbinary/agender person, I just want to give my own thoughts.

I’d a 100 percent would use the creative parenting style. Because I’m a full believer that regardless of the sex, everyone has the right to express who they are (ofc as long as it’s not harmful to themselves or anyone) without any judgment or boundaries. And as someone who was “pushed” into more “feminine” things (dolls, dresses, house and whatnot), I always felt dysphoric with wearing a dress (some are exceptions though), I just wish that my parents would allow me to express more of myself to them, and maybe I wouldn’t be so closed off and distance. And plus just last year I had to closet myself again bc my mom was saying…not so nice stuff about people using different Pronouns other than he and she, so I’ve convinced myself I’m a demigirl and that I should just accept my deadname as my name (which news flash! Didn’t work; just became more miserable)

And the creative parenting style hasn’t impacted my names as much as you’d think. I think I’d still use “gendered” names, not to distinguish from boy or girl, but it just depends on what I’m leaning towards. I mean I have [name_f]Rose[/name_f], [name_f]Opal[/name_f], [name_u]Jade[/name_u] and [name_u]Delaney[/name_u] for both genders (I have more than that, but that’s just what popped into my head). And as someone who struggled to find their chosen name by themselves (irl; on here everyone was helpful) bc I’m afraid of coming out since what’s happening in [name_u]America[/name_u] with LGBTQIA+, and my mom’s view point (and misgenders trans people, I’m assuming most of it is on accident though), I don’t want them to feel like their “stuck” with a very gendered name, or just a name that they aren’t attached to, I want to be the adult they come out to and feel safe.

And if I was given a gender neutral name would that have helped with my identity? While I think it would make it easier for me to transition (obviously, not everyone is going keep their deadname even if it’s not gender neutral), I think I would’ve still change it. Because to me, it’d be too tied to my old gender, a gender I do not be associate as, regardless if it’s the most gender neutral name out there, it’d be too tied to my old gender.

[hellobanjo]

Sure out in the real world but not in these forums.

[Emarkulics]

I would definitely say we do this. [name_f]My[/name_f] son wears all different kinds of clothes and plays with a full range of types of toys. We never gender anything and make sure we correct people when they do around him.
For me personally we didn’t choose a traditionally “gender neutral” name because I truly believe any and all names should be gender neutral. [name_f]My[/name_f] son’s name is traditionally a “boy” name but I would’ve equally loved it for a girl. [name_f]My[/name_f] second son (who will be born soon) is being given a gender neutral name but some of our runners up were actually “girl” names. I think by following the guidelines for what’s a “boy” name, a “girl” name, or a “neutral” name inherently goes against gender creative views, and rather than only giving kids gender neutral or gender bent names, we need to push the belief that names shouldn’t be gendered at all in the first place.

[Bohemeregina]

Mother of 5 here… aged 15 to 2 months.

I raise my children in an accepting household. We refer to them as their assigned genders at birth until they tell us otherwise. They are well educated and informed on gender identity and sexuality and the difference between the two. [name_f]My[/name_f] job is to always make sure they feel as comfortable as possible. They can wear whatever they want (weather permitting) and choose their toys, their hair and anything else that they resonate with. I’ve named them what I like which IS gender based however I would not hesitate to say RIP to those names if they choose to do so. I have a very open and loving relationship with all of them. They can tell me anything without judgement or shame and they know that.

With that said, we do not erase gender here. Especially femininity, being a mother to four boys and one girl. Misogyny is not allowed here. Unisex does not mean male leaning. I’ve seen so many “unisex” brands that just sell traditional male clothing and avoid anything that could be construed as feminine. They need to know that there is NOTHING wrong with being a woman. Girly is not bad. Feminine names are just as strong as boy names. I will be raising feminists regardless of what they identify as.

I hope that made sense.

[wishmay]

I’ve been taking a bit of a break from nameberry but this is important to me so I thought I’d respond

Part of gender creative parenting, I think, is allowing the child to be comfortable in any gender. If my child is afab and comfortable being referred to as a girl, even if it’s just for the first few years of their life, I don’t want to deny them the experience of having a girls’ name. If they’re comfortable with that and proud of that part of their identity, great! And if, after a bit, they’re no longer comfortable with that, then of course they can have a name that reflects that. I just don’t want to deny them the experience of being associated with their agab — and also, for example, a cis girl with a gender neutral name might choose to change her name to something more feminine to reflect her identity just as an enby whose given name is feminine might choose to change their name to something more neutral to reflect their identity. I hope this ramble makes a bit of sense

Additionally, many names that are considered gender neutral are traditionally masculine names — and I wouldn’t want to not give my daughter a girls name because that’s not considered “gender neutral enough,” you know? Femininity isn’t something to shy away from — we shouldn’t avoid using girls’names because they’re “too gendered” but think boys’ names are totally fine.

I also think it’s important to mention that gender identity ≠ gender expression ≠ pronouns. So, someone could go by a certain name and use pronouns not typically associated with that name and identify with a gender not associated with those pronouns or that name, and still be completely & totally valid.

I’ll be naming my kids names that I love, and more likely than not they’ll be gender-conforming names, because those just happen to be the names I love. They’re welcome to keep those names for as long as they’re comfortable with them, and I’ll fully understand and accept them if they do choose to change them.

@bemiranda

if you identify with a gender outside of your sex assigned at birth, or outside the binary, would being given a gender-neutral name have helped you affirm your gender?

Actually, no. I think if I had had a more gender neutral name when I was younger I would’ve felt more pressured to present femininely, or to “choose” a gender — especially as I didn’t really realize I had options outside the gender binary. Additionally, I was totally comfortable with my agab for the first years of my life, and I was also completely comfortable with having a girls name. I know this isn’t the case for a lot of people, though.

[bemiranda]

@Strawberry.Bunny

I want to be the adult they come out to and feel safe.

I get this entirely! I also hope that by shining a light on gender and stories of genderqueer people, I can teach my child empathy for others, but also for themselves 🫶🏼✨

[bemiranda]

@Bohemeregina

With that said, we do not erase gender here. Especially femininity,

I love this! I feel like we also dive into the joy of many different toys, clothes, and fem/masc energies.

[bemiranda]

@wishmay

I hope this ramble makes a bit of sense

It definitely does! As a parent, I’ve learned most things are beyond my control. I cannot control who my child ends up being, or how people react to them irl. I’ve been told I shouldn’t let my child play with certain toys, or that I gave my lo a girls middle name. However, I can empower my children with knowledge, and by nurturing who they say they are. I also know, however, that is a privilege not everyone has, so we have to fight for everyone to have free gender expression. 🫶🏼