As the title suggests, I’m faced with this situation…we recently found out my brother and sister-in-law’s unborn twins are both boys, which is really exciting because on all sides of the family, there are very few boys, and these will be the first grandsons on our side… They’ve started to talk about names and for the most part are keeping these discussions between themselves…however, they recently let it slip that they are very seriously considering using my brother’s name for one of the babies. The problem with that is, my brother is named after our father…who abused me for most of my life in several ways… I don’t have contact with him anymore, but I still cringe when I hear the name…its [name]Louis[/name]… I would never ever hold anything against someone else for something that took place, that they had absolutely nothing to do with, especially a child…but I worry that hearing everyone call one of my nephews by my abuser’s name will constantly hurt.
I thought about immediately giving him a nickname, after running it by my brother and sister first of course, but it shouldn’t have to be like that I don’t have much of a reaction to my brother’s name because we call him [name]Louie[/name]…but [name]Lou[/name], is my dad’s nickname. I’m just not too sure how this will play out…i get that my brother wants to keep tradition…our grandfather was [name]Luigi[/name], father is [name]Louis[/name], so is he, and now so is one of his sons. He still has a relationship with our father, and just the situation bothers me. I know I’ll love my nephews regardless and their personalities could very likely outweight this name thing but idk…
So i was wondering if any of you have had a situation like this and if so, were you able to to find ways to deal with it? What were they? It doesn’t have to be like exactly the same situation as mine, it could be something like a relative picked a name for their child that you really didn’t like but you found a way to…i don’t know…deal with it?
Is your brother aware of the abuse that took place? I understand it’s his name, too. But I can’t imagine wanting to honor a person like that.
I’m right smack in the middle of dealing with a name that brings up horrible memories for me. In my case, it’s my surname. Luckily, I’ve finally realized I have control over that and I can change it.
In the end, it is just a name, but I understand where you’re coming from. I personally would find a special nickname to call my nephew so I never associate him with an abuser of children. Sometimes a name’s connotations can be overcome, but when it stems from abuse that’s a lot harder to do.
You could also (depending on how you feel about manipulation) start subtly hinting that the other twin might be jealous if he’s not named after his dad. Why does one twin get daddy’s name and the other doesn’t? Is he more special?
Yes, he’s aware that it took place…he still wants to honor him though. Which is totally his choice, i don’t dispute that… It’s just pretty hard to hear that name…alot because he made me call him that during things that took place…I guess it’s gonna take awhile to overcome that…I will at some point… Yeah, i understand what you mean that it’s just a name and thankyou for saying that because it does bring some comfort:)
I think that has alot to do with it…i’m not gonna lie, the idea of my father interacting with the twins makes me sick, because i know just because they are boys doesn’t mean anything:/ i want them safe…luckily my brother and [name]SIL[/name] actually do seem like they will be very protective of the kids…
And that’s true, I think that would help too if i just tried to associate the name with my brother and maybe others instead of the other guy. Thanks for the suggestion
I’m really sorry to hear that you have to figure this out.
You could also suggest that they could use a different variant of [name]Louis[/name]. Since your grandfather was [name]Luigi[/name] and [name]Louis[/name] was a variant - [name]Alois[/name], Vico, [name]Luiz[/name], or [name]Ludwig[/name] (there is a whole list here: Meaning, origin and history of the name Louis - Behind the Name). Maybe that will help.
I am assuming that since your brother wasn’t abused that the abuse had a sexual component. If you are close with your [name]SIL[/name] might be more sensitive (as a women) to the whole situation. If you afraid for your nephews you should bring it up with your brother and [name]SIL[/name] that way they can decide to what extent their kids can have a relationship with your father.
I am assuming that since your brother wasn’t abused that the abuse had a sexual component. If you are close with your [name]SIL[/name] might be more sensitive (as a women) to the whole situation. If you afraid for your nephews you should bring it up with your brother and [name]SIL[/name] that way they can decide to what extent their kids can have a relationship with your father.[/QUOTE]
Yeah, it did…that’s why i’m struggling with this so much. My mother (my parents are divorced) has talked with my [name]SIL[/name] about this, and she has already thought about all this, so she is going to limit the twins’ exposure to that side of the family as much as possible. However, it might not work out that way but there’s still time to figure things out…the babies are due around the end of [name]July[/name].
And thankyou so much for those variants…i will definitly slip those into the naming negotiations somehow! I have a feeling my brother will like some of those… thanks again!
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. If it was just your dad’s name, it would be one thing, but since it’s your brother’s as well, it’s a lot tougher situation. [name]Even[/name] beyond the icky feeling the name gives you, it would make sense to call the baby by a nickname–your brother and the baby going by the same name would be confusing. I would suggest the alternates, for sure, but if they choose the name anyway, definitely come up with a nickname. Perhaps come up with a nn for both babies, so it doesn’t seem like you have this pet name for one and just call the other by what everyone else calls him.
I think you got some good suggestions for encouraging an alternate name or variation, but if they do end up using [name]Louis[/name]…
I would do what you can to think of your nephew as [name]Little[/name] [name]Louie[/name], named for your brother who it sounds like you have a good relationship with apart from the weird factor that he is still on good terms with your father. You could also think about how your brother is “reclaiming” the name by being a GOOD father and a good person in his life, it doesnt change what happened, but there is comfort in knowing he’s going to break the cycle and give his sons the childhood you didn’t get to have.
I’m glad your brother and [name]SIL[/name] are aware of what happened and will be watching him like a hawk around their little ones. This is a tough situation and I hope you find a solution that gives you some peace.
This situation absolutely disgusts me, so I’ll keep my opinions to myself and say this: You have every right to be upset about your brother using [name]Louis[/name]. I would be furious and hurt in your position and would be doing everything in my power to persuade your brother and sister-in-law to at the very least make [name]Louis[/name] the middle name, if not drop the name altogether.
I don’t have much of a reaction to my brother’s name because we call him [name]Louie[/name]…but [name]Lou[/name], is my dad’s nickname. I’m just not too sure how this will play out…i get that my brother wants to keep tradition…our grandfather was [name]Luigi[/name], father is [name]Louis[/name], so is he, and now so is one of his sons. He still has a relationship with our father, and just the situation bothers me. I know I’ll love my nephews regardless and their personalities could very likely outweight this name thing but idk…
they like that sort of logic, so that may very well work…thanks:)
