Grandparents making comments on daughter's appearance

I just need to vent for a moment. I have a 2.5 year old and a 10 month old. And grandpa has started making comments on my 2 year olds appearance that just really irks me. For reference my 10 month old is tiny and petite, she has yet to break the 3rd percentile in height or weight. [name_f]My[/name_f] 2 year old was a tiny baby too but now is closer to the 50th percentile so pretty much average. But grandpa keeps making comments like ‘she’s not gonna be a petite girl’ or ‘i think she’ll look a little slimmer once she’s wearing panties and not pull ups!’ (what!) a few other things he’s said is ‘she’s probably not gonna be a dancer, she’ll have to be an athlete with that build’ and he’s suggested that once they get older she’ll be jealous of her younger sisters looks. I know grandpa doesn’t mean any harm by these comments, in fact with his kids he seems to intentionally promote and praise tomboyishness while undermining anything ‘feminine’ but then he had this weird unconscious bias about girls being ultra feminine.
And personally I don’t care if she wants to be an athlete, but right now she loves ballet dancers and tutus, and I can see the confusion on her little face when he says she won’t be a dancer and it kills me. I always correct him and support her when he makes a comment like that but it’s just so ingrained in his person I don’t know if I could ever get him to stop.
And part of me wants to limit her time with him, but despite what this post probably makes it sound like, grandpa absolutely adores her and besides this particular issue is a great grandpa and I would never want to spoil that relationship. He just wasn’t raised with a good strong women role model and has a really hard time grasping that a women can be both feminine and strong.

Anyway rant over this has just been bothering me this week.

Aww, that poor girl:(

[name_f]My[/name_f] grandparents would never comment on someone’s weight, then again all grandparents are different. If I had kids that were commented on by other family members I’d be disappointed in them for saying stuff like that, its not fair for the parent or the kid and especially not a grandparent. I don’t have any advice other than just tell your daughter she’s beautiful, shes not really at that age where she cares tbh but she will be soon and she’ll be really hurt if she hears her great-grandpa talking about her like that and shaming a toddler for her weight

[name_m]Ive[/name_m] never seen your daughter not that I’m ever going to but I’m sure she is beautiful and so is your baby

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Oh this burns me up!!! [name_f]My[/name_f] grandparents made the same sort of comments to me growing up. I was put on a medication for a health issue and it made me gain a lot of weight. I was called many names and was compared to my thinner cousins and sisters. I was even told “hit those books…you may as well be smart since you can’t be beautiful.” Yeah guess who battled an ED for years?

Words absolutely do hurt, even if the child is young. Grandpa needs talked to. He may deeply love his granddaughter and may not intend harm. Intention means little though…hurt can still happen.

Make sure you build that little girl up big time. Heck, say it in front of Grandpa.


I’m not sure if you’ve tried correcting him when she’s not around but that would be my advice if you haven’t- a loving but firm confrontational correction to nip it before either child gets old enough to have such comments become a lasting memory….

I was raised on the opposite side of the country from pretty much all extended family. Seeing then wasn’t often. I had this one time as a teenager where I asked to go visit everyone. This was a trip I took solo abd my relatives mapped out time for me to spend with everyone. First stop was a widowed grandparent…. And in that time that I was with her she spent pretty much the whole time making comments about my relatives - her children and grandchildren that were similar to the ones you’re talking about. And quite frankly just not right and mean (whether intended or not). I was thrilled to see my family so I tried to just shake it off but after that time came and gone and I was on to the next stop a day or so later I couldn’t put on a poker face and a older relative (an older cousin actually) saw how sad my grandparents comments made me and pulled it out of me. It became a big ordeal of my aunts, uncles and father (it was his mother) apologizing for my having to have been exposed to that well known ugly side of her. She was confronted by I’m assuming my father if not others as well because I did receive a phone cal apologizing…. But 20ish years later I haven’t forgotten that moment.

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Oh trust me I do, and have discussed this with him. And he genuinely tries which is what makes this so difficult, cause he really does love her and wouldn’t ever do anything that he thought would hurt her. But he seems to have no idea what kind of comments are appropriate and which aren’t. He has his own family trauma issues that he has worked really hard to overcome and is continuing to work on and he raised wonderful kids. But for some reason this is just something that has stuck around.

This is awful. I have 3 kids and if anyone (relative or not) made these comments I wouldn’t let them see the kids! Whilst it’s nice they have a relationship, there is a line and they are your children. I would be blunt to your grandpa and say if he continues to make these comments, he won’t see them again. You can see him as you can stand up to him, just not the kids. You need to think about the long term effect of unnecessary and rude comments like that. I agree that’s it’s fat shaming…


Oh wow, this is tough. Those comments would really really bother me - and said IN FRONT of your daughter too!

Could you make a hard line with grandpa “no comments about appearance”? Like, would that help make it easier for him to understand what comments are and aren’t okay? He could ask about her interests, her favourite books, they could dance together, but if it involves appearance he can’t say it to either girl?