I don’t know if anyone has had any experience with this, or has some advice, but I think I also just need to vent.
A week ago one of our closest friends died unexpectedly. We had asked him to be our baby’s godfather (baby is due in [name_u]November[/name_u]). A week later he was gone. I’ve known him for over 20 years, we were incredibly close, he helped me through so many hard times. He was also friend of my SO, and he was the first one to find out about our relationship. For over 20 years he has been supportive, warm and loving. He was just pure gold and I don’t think I even know how to live without him.
I’ve lost loved ones before, I know I can survive grief, but this time I just feel like I’m drowning. For the past 7 days I’ve been feeling like I just can’t breathe. I’m now 14 weeks pregnant, I know I should be worried about how this will affect the baby, but I just can’t be. I can’t really care and I feel terrible about it. I’m not enjoying my pregnancy at this moment and for that I feel like the worst mother in the world. Part of me doesn’t even want this baby if he’s not around to be baby’s godfather, I can’t imagine me having this baby and him not coming round to see it, his eyes shining and probably bursting into tears of pure joy. I know it’s ridiculous, it’s not like he’s the baby’s father or even family. But to me he was family, probably more than some actual family members.
I’m just not coping right now, and I don’t really want to share this feelings with anyone around me, because I don’t want them to think I’m a terrible mother, so I’m just sharing it here.
I think what you are feeling is perfectly valid and normal, even if all the sadness and negative feelings affect the baby in a way. You have the absolute right to feel bad and terrible and to grieve, so don’t beat yourself up. I wasn’t pregnant at the time, but my best friend passed away of cancer nearly seven years ago… I had [name_f]Lily[/name_f] already (her godchild) and [name_m]Hugo[/name_m] was a baby, but I really grieved her passing, she was my sister in everything but blood. I still miss her like hell and probably will never have a best friend like her again in my life. When my third baby was born we honored her with his middle name and it really helped me to know we were keeping her memory alive. Grieve all you need and try to talk about your feelings and put it all out. Writing letters to her have helped me a lot throughout the years too. My deepest condolences to you darling, hang in there!
Thank you, bell’s garden. Today I feel like at least I can breathe again, but I’m still sad and exhausted. I’m so sorry you lost your best friend.
Last [name_m]Saturday[/name_m] we said goodbye to our friend. His funeral was like he’d have wanted, with all of his family and friends. I find it difficult to talk to Hjörtur about this. He knows what happened, but he’s so little… He doesn’t really understand. He loved our friend too.
I think is amazing that you’re being honest with us about finding it hard to cope with this, and that you’re reaching out. It sounds like you may need professional help, and there’s no shame in that. It takes a strong person to be able to take a step back and ask for help.
@rosecoloredlady: thank you for your concern. I’m a psychologist myself, so I know that the right help is out there, and I know where to find it if necessary.