Grieving a lost name?

General Name Discussion
1

Our daughter’s name had been settled - [name]Cora[/name] [name]Melisande[/name] - since almost the beginning of my pregnancy. Now, with 10 weeks until the due date, my husband confessed to me that he doesn’t like it anymore. He can’t picture calling a daughter [name]Cora[/name], and he doesn’t like that it starts with the same letter as our son’s name. He wants to change it.

Now, there are some small benefits to renaming her. Keeping the name secret is important to me, and so far 2 or 3 people know this one (mostly because of slip-ups). So a fresh name would mean it was absolutely secret. I was a bit unhappy about the same initials, too, so it’d be nice to change that. And because my husband was really hoping for another boy, I am anxious for him to be as excited about our little girl as possible, and maybe finding a name he likes more will help. (It’ll be tough, since he hates almost every girl name in the universe…) I am willing to start fresh on the name for his sake.

But… :frowning: By this point, I have been calling her [name]Cora[/name] in my mind for months. The sound and meaning of the name have formed a major part of who she is to me, and changing her name would feel like swapping her for a completely different child. (For example, I even have a picture in my mind of what she’ll look like - I try on the name “[name]Alice[/name]” and that picture completely changes. Obviously I know she could look nothing like what I imagine, but the name makes a huge difference in how I anticipate her.) [name]Even[/name] if we save the name for another daughter down the road, it would feel weird to bestow it on another baby, because this child IS [name]Cora[/name] (to me), and if we don’t use it, I’d feel like I “lost” her.

I am forcing myself to call her “the baby” for now, but “[name]Cora[/name]” is always on the tip of my tongue and it’s what I think in my head privately to myself. It’s going to be really hard to change. Next time we are SO not finding out the gender, because I don’t want to go through this again!

Am I weird to attach so much personality/identity to the name of a baby I haven’t really met yet, or have other Berries done this too?

Has anyone else gone through something like this? :frowning:

2

I would be crushed if after all this time, DF changed his mind on our favorite names, I can also already picture our kids with these names, and changing them now, would well… feel very very odd. I’m not pregnant, nor are we trying, but especially our boys name has been in place for years, and it is most definitely our son, despite his non existence at this point. For you, being pregnant, and focusing on your baby “[name]Cora[/name]” for all these months, and getting to know her in a way that your husband can’t understand, and then deciding that she just isn’t [name]Cora[/name] anymore must be heartbreaking and difficult to process. What about choosing a name with [name]Cora[/name] in it? Like [name]Coraline[/name], or [name]Coralie[/name], [name]Corisande[/name] or [name]Coralynn[/name] or something along those lines, so she can still be your [name]Cora[/name], and his something else?

3

Unless he has some (good) name suggestions, I wouldn’t change it. If he can make a list and you can agree on another great name I would consider it, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case.

4

I’m sorry about you losing this name :frowning: For what it’s worth, I do love [name]Alice[/name] and think it’s incredibly sweet. Here are some more suggestions:

[name]Nora[/name]
[name]Nina[/name]
[name]Lena[/name]
[name]Emma[/name]
[name]Eva[/name]
[name]Anastasia[/name]
[name]Natalie[/name]
[name]Julianne[/name]

5

That’s so sad. :frowning: You should show him this post. He may understand once he sees your feelings written out. As for the same initial problem, how about spelling it [name]Kora[/name]? I’m really not a fan of messing with spellings like that, but if it would change his mind, perhaps you should consider it. I like the above poster’s suggestions about [name]Coraline[/name] or another longer [name]Cora[/name]- name.

6

Thank you, everyone. I’m glad I’m not alone in having vivid impressions of the baby-to-be-born and attaching the name to those ideas so tightly. :slight_smile:

Regarding [name]Coraline[/name], [name]Coralie[/name], [name]Coralyn[/name], etc. - I actually really love [name]Cornelia[/name], :smiley: but my husband hates it (I sort of don’t blame him…it IS an old-lady type name). And we’d call her [name]Cora[/name] for short anyway. He thinks it’s silly to give her a longer name when the nickname for it is a name in its own right and the one that we’d use for every day anyway. [name]Long[/name] story short, it wouldn’t change anything.

Regarding [name]Alice[/name] - That name is sort of a ray of hope because it’s one of my other favorite names, and he’d vetoed it in the past, but yesterday I brought it up and he seemed amicable… (However, “[name]Alice[/name]” is my other daughter I don’t have yet - if that makes sense. She’s someone else entirely, in my mind!)

Regarding “[name]Kora[/name]” - Nah, I dislike invented spellings too much. I couldn’t bring myself to even suggest it. :smiley:

I can try to explain my feelings to my husband more accurately. However, I don’t want to pressure him into a name he doesn’t like - after all, she’s his daughter too! I don’t want to be unreasonable, or make him less excited about having her.

My plan right now is to encourage my husband to come up with names he likes on his own, and bring ideas to ME. (It’s always been the other way around, since I’m the name nerd.) He hates almost all girl names, and doesn’t have an internal database of favorite names like I do, so having him come up with a list is a highly impractical way for us to find a new name. But as much as I love names and as practical as it would be for me to make a list, I can’t bring myself to go back to the drawing board! I am just not enthusiastic about other names at this point. :confused: If he simply can’t find anything he likes enough to bring to me, maybe he’ll concede to [name]Cora[/name] again. If he finds a name he loves SO much that he’s excited to tell me about it, though, that might sway me to be excited about his choice.

I think he is hoping to find a name he loves as much as “[name]Charles[/name]”, because he was thrilled to name our son (our taste in boys’ names is awesomely synchronized). And I really wish that could happen! But I doubt he will find a girl name he likes as enthusiastically.

7

We didn’t find out the gender of our first baby & won’t with this one either. BUT, we did nickname the baby–we called her [name]Lulu[/name] & sometimes [name]Lou[/name] to cover both male & female. We named her [name]Juniper[/name] & there was no part of that [name]Lulu[/name] name left after delivery. Since it had been almost a year calling her that, it was a bit odd at first. But, she’s certainly grown into her formal name & we don’t miss “[name]Lulu[/name]” anymore.
Go with what is in your heart & try not to get too attached right now. Whichever name you both select with suit your daughter & you’ll quickly forget about the name that could have been.

8

I really like someones suggestion of [name]Nora[/name]! Its such a sweet sound, sophisticated, old fashioned but not dated. So sorry about not being able to use that name.

9

I really like someones suggestion of [name]Nora[/name]! Its such a sweet sound, sophisticated, old fashioned but not dated. So sorry about not being able to use that name. Are you still looking for suggestions on names?

10

Maybe [name]Cora[/name] could reappear as a MN?

11

just.say.no.to.e - But, in your case, [name]Lulu[/name] was a nickname and you knew all along that it wouldn’t be the child’s name after birth. It’s kind of a different scenario with [name]Cora[/name]. I know whatever name we choose - [name]Cora[/name] or otherwise - will stick eventually and feel right, but for now it is still sad to contemplate switching for a new name.

thetxbelle - Hubby vetoed [name]Nora[/name], but I would be okay with it if he hadn’t. It sounds similar enough. I guess I’m sort of looking for suggestions, but not actively. If I ask my husband and he really wants me to take initiative on the search, I’ll probably be back on the forum asking for ideas. :slight_smile:

emillaj - I think [name]Cora[/name] would only work as a MN for a long, more flowery first name, and those aren’t usually my style.

12

This is why I don’t plan on calling my child by any name until I’ve given birth and have a few days with them first. Then I can get more of a feel of which name on my short-short list is right for them.

It’s totally understandable to feel that way with a name in your situation.
I don’t have any suggestion, but it must be a very difficult situation to be in.

13

Yes, we didn’t find out the gender with my son and I’ll definitely want to do that again next time. It’s practically impossible for me to know the gender and NOT start using the name, because my short list of name ideas is quite short, especially for girls. I have a “sibset list” of all the children I want, which I suppose is a very detailed way of going about it…I probably think ahead too much. :slight_smile: Most people, I imagine, start naming WHEN they find out they’re expecting. But I knew this baby would be [name]Cora[/name] long before she was even conceived - [name]Charles[/name] would have been [name]Coraline[/name], NN [name]Cora[/name], if he had been a girl, and in between pregnancies I realized I liked the nickname on its own.

14

I was about 10 when my third sibling was born. To cover our bases, we called the baby “[name]Hannah[/name]/[name]James[/name].” Well, when SHE was born we had called her “[name]Hannah[/name]/[name]James[/name]” for such a long time, and my parents sort of gave up on ever having a boy to name after my grandfather, so they named her [name]Hannah[/name] [name]James[/name].

Okay so a couple of years later another sibling comes along, and now we’ve given up on ever having a brother so we all just called the baby [name]Abigail[/name]. This time, however, they had ultrasounds and Mom learned the bun in the oven was NOT an [name]Abigail[/name] bun! AND now that she finally got her boy she was going to name him [name]James[/name]. It was really strange that everyone – siblings, Mom, even one of the grandmas – went through a weird sense of loss over [name]Abigail[/name]. [name]Abigail[/name] who really had never existed: it had been [name]James[/name] all along. AND [name]James[/name] was already [name]Hannah[/name]'s middle name. It lasted several years, too. [name]James[/name] completely belonged, but every once in awhile we would count up all the siblings and think we were missing someone, and then say, “Oh, it was [name]Abigail[/name].” Very weird. So I sympathize with your situation.

I do think it’s good advice to ask your husband to come up with the list. It seems fair since he’s the one changing his mind, and if he’s not loving [name]Cora[/name] then he needs to find another he loves more. I know from experience how hard it can be to find a name hubby likes at all.

For what it’s worth, while [name]Charles[/name] and [name]Cora[/name] do start with the same letter, they aren’t matching sounds which I think is nice. [name]Cora[/name] is on my Top Ten Favorites list; another of mine that might fit your “sweet/fairy tale” preference is [name]Irene[/name]? I think of them in the same category. I also love [name]Zara[/name] though that might be a touch too close to the exotic side.

Best wishes to you, I hope you can work through this with your husband and come out better for it in the end.

15

Oh, no! :frowning: I’m so sorry. I’m not even sure what to suggest, but I can completely feel your pain. I’m years away from having children or adopting, but [name]Isabelle[/name] has been a longstanding favorite of mine and I can’t imagine using anything else. I already feel like I sort of “know” her–I have these images of what I expect her to look like, what her personality will be like, her interests, her favorite colors… all of that. Of course, those could all be completely wrong, but with loving the name [name]Isabelle[/name] [name]Aurora[/name] [name]Grace[/name], all these images and expectations comes with it, and if I had to change it, I think it would feel jarring and I would be so sad! I agree with the PP who said to show him this thread. Maybe he doesn’t understand how attached you’ve already become to [name]Cora[/name].

I also think the point that another poster said is spot-on–if you have trouble finding a name that he likes, have him come up with a list. He’s the one that wants to change the name–see what he comes up with. I don’t think you should have to keep suggesting all these names when you had settled on a name you are completely in love with, and he’s the one that wants to change it. Maybe he’ll come up with something amazing, maybe not. It doesn’t hurt to look, but I do think he should understand how much changing her name at this point would affect you.

I keep thinking of [name]Violet[/name]–I think stylistically it goes very well with [name]Cora[/name] and [name]Charles[/name], although I’m not sure if it’s your style–or his. I’m not really sure what to suggest at this point, but I hope you can come to a decision you’re both truly happy with!

Good luck!

16

I am definitely leaving the “burden of renaming” at his feet. :slight_smile: And whatever he finds, he needs to [name]LOVE[/name] it and be excited about it for me to be willing to swap. If he finds it too tough to find another name he loves, alternately I might be willing to take a short list to the hospital ([name]Cora[/name] included, of course :D) and name her after she is born. That would help me adjust to whatever name we pick, because I’ll probably already have “name doubts” based on her appearance. (I thought my [name]Charles[/name] looked like a [name]Thomas[/name] for days - and then a [name]Kevin[/name]! But he fits his name so well now.)

Saracita00 - Oh, that is so sad about the “lost” [name]Abigail[/name]! A friend on Facebook made the [name]April[/name] Fool’s joke that her bun in the oven (a girl) was actually a boy - surprise! She was kidding, but when I said how funny it would be if it WAS true (I was rooting for her to have a boy) she proclaimed that it would be as if her baby girl had died. It makes complete sense to me now! I do like [name]Irene[/name], but I think hubby said it sounds like an old lady, and I kind of agree. I like [name]Ilene[/name], too, but my father-in-law already addresses people with, “Hey, I-Lean,” if they’re leaning on him, so that would NEVER fly in our punster family. :smiley:

ashthedreamer - Thanks! [name]Violet[/name] is pretty. I’m not sure if it’s really my style, but I do like it in a way. :slight_smile:

17

So, I talked it over with my husband last night. I tried to explain more accurately how I feel about the name - that renaming her at this point would result in unfulfilled expectation because it would be as if we HAD a baby [name]Cora[/name], but now we don’t. He said he couldn’t relate to that personally, but he understood what I meant, and I think he is less anxious to change her name now because he knows how I feel about it. :slight_smile:

He also admitted that he’s not sure he can find a name he ardently likes, which was my stipulation. Basically, I said that he needed to come up with some ideas, and I probably wouldn’t be able to change her name unless A.) he was really passionate about an alternative name he loved, or B.) we took a whole list of ideas to the hospital and named her after birth (because at that point the baby’s THERE, for good, and it wouldn’t feel like “losing” something to give her a new name). At this point, I think my husband will probably fish around a little bit for ideas, then conclude in the end that [name]Cora[/name] is all right and there aren’t any alternatives he likes better. But who knows? Maybe he’ll find a name he really loves! I have no idea. But it’s on his shoulders now. :slight_smile:

That said, I’ve realized that my half-hearted attempts to think of new names for her were going about it the wrong way. Sad to lose my favorite name, I was just pulling other favorites out of my “future kids list” and trying them on the baby. So of course they didn’t fit her! I wasn’t specifically thinking about this baby and what might be fitting for her. I think I might be able to come up with some ideas of my own to suggest, if I’m not thinking in terms of “renaming [name]Cora[/name]” but rather “if this baby had NO name, what would I call her”? The prospect of changing her name has also been on the table long enough for me to feel less attached to “[name]Cora[/name]” and more willing to speculate. I am oddly fixated on [name]Miriam[/name] at the moment…

18

@trusted writer, I [name]LOVE[/name] [name]Miriam[/name] though I prefer the [name]Myriam[/name] spelling, I know a lot of others dont seem fond of it (I guess it fits the Y trend) but it’s the traditional spelling in [name]France[/name] and for some reason to me it’s even sweeter. If you cant work out a deal on [name]Cora[/name] I think [name]Miriam[/name] (or [name]Myriam[/name]!) would be so sweet and beautiful.

19

Edited for privacy.

20

My DH and I haven’t picked THE name for our baby girl yet (due in 3 weeks, eek!), but I can sympathize in how you feel about the connotations related to the name you call your baby. For me I have envisioned everything about my baby, all the way up to her teen years and what she’ll be like when she’s my age, etc. So if for whatever reason the ultrasounds were wrong and I had a boy, I obviously wouldn’t be upset, but it would feel like my baby girl I had dreamed of for the last 22 weeks was gone and that would be very weird. However, what I do is think about my baby in all her different stages in life and see what names fit those images the best.
Maybe try that out :smiley: Good luck to you and I love [name]Miriam[/name], as well!

Oh and we have the opposite feelings on [name]Cora[/name]…my DH’s number 1 name pick is [name]Cora[/name]. Our compromise name is [name]Corrina[/name] (or [name]Coralie[/name], my mind changes everyday), in which her nn would be [name]Cora[/name]. But I’m not quite ready to decide!