Has anyone used a surrogate vs adopted a baby?

Hi Momberries. I’m so happy I found this forum. [name_f]My[/name_f] wife and I have been together for 20 years. We really want to be parents. We are looking into both surrogacy and adoption. The cons of surrogacy is the cost. The cons of adoption is that we want to raise a child from infancy and newborn adoption seems to be less of a sure thing. We’re not sure what to do.

Has anyone here gone this route or do you know of adoption and/or surrogacy forums? I’ve found many, but they’re all inactive (for surrogacy, last posts are around 2015 or 2016) so I’d really like to talk to people who are currently facing this or have faced this in the recent past.

Any guidance or advice you can give is much appreciated.


Hey! First of all, good luck on your journey to becoming parents, I’m sure it will be wonderful. Secondly, I unfortunately don’t know of any surrogacy communities but I know https://www.reddit.com/r/Adoption/ is quite active. Maybe you could ask your questions on newborn adoption there to see if that’s a risk you should take or not.

From my personal research, I know that newborn adoption is possible. It’s just a very time-consuming thing. Many adopters want newborns and there are only so many. There’s also the risk that the birth parents will change their mind. That could be before the child is born or even after months of them living with you. It’s a very delicate situation and you need to be prepared for heartache. Not trying to discourage you, because adoption is a beautiful thing, just mentioning some of the risks. Good luck!


Thank you. That’s very helpful and underlines my concerns about adoption. I think surrogacy is a better way to go to minimize the heartbreak, but I feel kind of selfish when I know there are babies out there who should be adopted. I will check out the link for the Reddit group.


I’m glad I was able to help a bit! I will also like to add that, in case this makes you feel better, there aren’t that many babies that need to be adopted. Like I said, babies are the most on-demand for adoption and there are actually more parents who want them than babies up for adoption. Exceptions being babies who may suffer from disorders, such as babies whose parents weren’t being safe with substances during pregnancy. So it’s not like there will be a young baby left without a home because you choose to use a surrogate, please don’t feel guilty about that!

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I don’t have any advice, but you might be interested in joining the TTC 2021 thread (Ttc 2021 😍) if you haven’t already!


I don’t know a lot about either (I am hoping to adopt in the future as well), but I know of a few families that have adopted from birth. They were either matched with a birth mom (birth mom chose them) or used social media to find parents wishing to give their baby to a more suitable family.I believe they just posted that they were hoping to adopt and if anyone who knows them/follows them knows of anyone. The one family I do follow on social media adopted all three through connections online. A birth mom reached out to them when they saw the post I believe. I don’t know if that is an option for you. I do know that private adoption is a little more expensive than independent adoptions. Definitely do your research and ask around in your location if anyone has more info. [name_m]Even[/name_m] calling agencies around you work too!

My parents have four children and adopted two (including me). Both adopted as infants. Adoption can definitely be time consuming and difficult logistically and emotionally for all involved— my birth parents DID change their mind when I was born and then changed it back a couple weeks later!— but if adoption feels like the right path, I definitely wouldn’t give up on it just yet.

I don’t know anyone who’s done surrogacy so I can’t speak at all to that, but I will say that there’s no “right” way to have a kid and you should do whatever’s right for you :slight_smile:

Happy to answer any questions you have about adoption if perspective from an “adoptive” family member would be helpful— I was also already an adult when my sister was adopted (as a baby, out of foster care) so I’m familiar with the process.

All the best to you and your wife as you grow your family!

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@hyacinthbucket thought you’d be a good person to weigh in on adoption xx

I’ve looked in to this. I’m novisexual but have a feminine preference, & I think the best route depends on your income level. Obviously I’m not asking for yours, but if you can afford it, surrogacy may be the better option. If not, I think you should work with a respected adoption agency in your country to try to find a newborn you can take in. But it the end, this is completely up to you. :slight_smile:

If you are considering surrogacy have you thought about embryo donation? In really broad terms this is when a couple/person donate any remaining embryos they have after IVF treatment (that they are not planning on using themselves) to someone else/ another couple who wish to become a parent(s) Obviously it does require a lot of consideration/research etc (If I’m honest I have very limited knowledge around the subject) and it will depend on where you live and regulations etc but it may be an option if you would love to experience the newborn stage but are unable to do this via adoption.

Thought I’d share that there are whole online communities specifically on this topic on Facebook you can tap into for more information, research, and support.

We are having our last child via surrogate (gestational carrier, not traditional surrogate), and the online communities have been great for research, support, etc.