This is it. AF came today, five days late. I thought it might really be the one. But it is one more cycle in a decade of cycles that bring nothing more than an empty womb. A yawning space that will never be filled. [name_f]Every[/name_f] time I look at my tracker and see CD1, I think, “I can’t handle another CD1.” I can’t handle one more person telling me I should “just adopt” like that is a cheaper or easier option, completely discounting my desire to be pregnant and carry my children. I cannot handle one more, “it will happen when you stop trying,” or “it will happen in God’s time.” Those words, well meant as they are, make me want to scream. There is a constant, aching lack of fulfillment, and thoughts I don’t want to have; depression that consumes me so that I cannot remember the last time I was truly happy. I am always reaching for something that seems, for me, to be impossible. I feel like I can’t breathe around all the bits of me that hurt. So I am doing the only thing I can.
I am selling all of the baby things I have accumulated over the years in the hope that it would finally be my turn and I could get to use them. Then, when they are all gone, I am taking everything to do with trying to conceive. [name_f]Every[/name_f] pregnancy test and OPK and BBT thermometer, vitamins, and supplements and one or two special things from my boxes of baby things… and I am hiking out to a beautiful area to have a funeral. I will bury them and mourn and try very hard, to let go of the idea of ever being a mother. I will say goodbye to the babies I can’t have.
In order to really feel like I am laying this to rest I want to say goodbye to someone, not just an idea. I have already chosen my boys name. To say goodbye to all the sons I won’t have, I will say goodbye to [name_u]Kai[/name_u] [name_u]Michael[/name_u]. I want to say goodbye to all the daughters that will never be in my life either. If you can help me choose a name I would be grateful. I don’t know how else to keep going, other than to try and let go.
This is my list. I’ve written down all of my favorites that I’ve seen on NB or made up myself over the past week when I hoped that this might be it… and now this is the list I’ll choose from to lay my motherhood to rest.
[name_m]How[/name_m] old are you? Have you considered going to a fertility clinic to check thyroid/ ovarian reserve/ falliopian tubes/ bloods etc? Have you considered ivf?
Supplements do nothing except make expensive urine.
I will be 32 this month. I have been trying with medications (Clomid, Femara, Injectables, trigger shot) and a reproductive endocyonologist since I was 25. Before that I tried with my partner. We are not together anymore and I’ve been trying as a SMC the last 7 years. I take a supplement for egg health (recommended by my doctor) since my AMH is a little low. I’m not sure supplement is really the right name for it, but you don’t need a scrip to get it so I call it a supplement. I also take prenatal vitamins and royal jelly. Those were what referred to as supplements. They’re just extras that may or may not help but they can’t hurt and I’ve just been desperate for something to work. IVF is just not an option right now. Not unless I come into some money. 7 years of TTC at over $2000 a cycle has drained me financially and emotionally.
I know that this is a very difficult situation and I respect you very much for posting about your struggles. I don’t want to be another voice that tries to be comforting but does not get to the root of the problem, because I totally know what that is like. This is probably not the time and you have a lot to deal with, but I just want to reiterate what others have said - adoption really is a beautiful, incredible option that has personally touched my life. It may not be what you imagined but it is more than you could possibly know. Of course, it is not for everyone and it is not a solution to your struggles or distress, but please know that those who offer it are not offering a lesser alternative. Perhaps, down the road it will be something to consider when you are in a better place.
All that being said, I wish you the very best and hope that you can find comfort and joy amidst this. The names on your list are beautiful especially [name_f]Eloisa[/name_f] [name_f]Pearl[/name_f], [name_f]Felicity[/name_f] [name_f]Emanuelle[/name_f], and [name_f]Evelina[/name_f] [name_f]Lilac[/name_f].
Firstly I’m sorry you are going through such a hard time, I know exactly how you feel. I have a chromosome disorder that makes it impossible for me to conceive naturally. I’m also planning to be an SMC through using donor eggs and sperm (I wonder if this may be an option you haven’t explored?) and I am terrified it won’t work…I don’t believe you should give up hope just yet and agree with the previous posters idea of taking a year for yourself and then re-evaluating but if this is truly what you feel is right for you then I think it’s a beautiful idea to help heal. I love all your names but especially [name_f]Ophelia[/name_f] [name_f]Rosamund[/name_f]. Good luck x
Taking a year off seems lovely. I don’t know that I want to give up permanently. It’s just so hard, month after month, year after year, negative tests. Hundreds of them. Periods that arrive and make me angry and hurt, that make me feel broken, like I can’t do what a woman should be able! It’s draining. I feel like I’m trying to pour from an empty cup. I want it so much. More than anything. I’ve wanted to be pregnant since I saw my mom carry my sister when I was 5. I was fascinated and I thought it was the most amazing, magical thing I had ever witnessed. I called her my baby and talked to her through my moms stomach, and she is still my baby. Pregnancy and childbirth has never stopped being the most truly magical thing I have ever seen in real life. The part of adulthood I looked forward to the most was getting pregnant and being a mother and I feel like that’s what I’ve spent my WHOLE adult life striving for. Everything else had been on hold. Consequentially, I feel like I haven’t done anything but wait to get pregnant and be a mother. Thank you for the advice. It is actually very helpful to hear.
Thank you for sharing this. I’m so sorry for the loss you are feeling. I think it’s a beautiful idea to pick names to honor the children you’ve wished for. What you’re feeling is true grief, and I hope this helps you feel some peace.
[name_f]Phoebe[/name_f] and [name_f]Felicity[/name_f] are two of my favorite names
Thank you <3 My sister is very much against my “giving up” but that’s not what I’m trying to do. I just want some space to breathe through my grief. I feel like I get no room. It’s always crushing me. I need a way to forgive myself and let go a little, instead of letting it consume my whole life. I’m not living anymore. I’m just waiting for a positive test all the time. I am hoping, as you said, for a little peace.
I’ve asked my closest friends and my sister for their opinions too, and they all liked Phoebe as well.
Thank you for sharing your story and keeping it real. I pray and hope that you will find happiness again and that this much needed time off for yourself will help you to re-evaluate things and perhaps find and go on a different path (or not, maybe). Anyways, I wish you all the best. Also, [name_f]Evelina[/name_f] [name_f]Lilac[/name_f] would be perfect. I believe that [name_f]Evelina[/name_f] stems or is a sister-name of [name_u]Evelyn[/name_u] and means “wished-for child”. It’s perfect and stunning all in one.
I am appalled at some of the responses on this thread. If the OP says she has exhausted her options, please assume that she has exhausted her options. Given what she said in her post, I really don’t think she wants to hear your fertility treatment success stories or all about how awesome adoption is (and please, do some research on the exploitation involved in private adoption both internationally and domestically). Good grief, people! She needs to grieve. Let her grieve.
From your list, I love [name_f]Eloisa[/name_f] [name_f]Pearl[/name_f], [name_f]Phoebe[/name_f] [name_f]Lavender[/name_f], [name_u]Sage[/name_u] [name_f]Ophelia[/name_f], and [name_f]Susannah[/name_f] Wildrose. [name_f]Phoebe[/name_f] [name_f]Lavender[/name_f] is my favorite.
I wish you the best of luck, wherever this journey takes her.
Well, I have to say I adore [name_f]Evelina[/name_f] [name_f]Lilac[/name_f], [name_f]Callista[/name_f] [name_f]Oceane[/name_f], & [name_f]Cora[/name_f] [name_f]Celestine[/name_f]! Those were exact combos on my list! I also adore [name_f]Flora[/name_f] [name_f]Emerald[/name_f] [name_f]Kate[/name_f] & [name_f]Gwendolyn[/name_f] [name_f]Daisy[/name_f]. I really wish you the best and hope you find happiness.
Thankyou so much for sharing your story. I hope you will have time and space to grieve. You have such beautiful names on your list it is hard to choose. My favourites are:
After conceiving twice very briefly over a one year period, I had to give up as it just was not working. [name_f]Every[/name_f] time I tried the donor insemination it stressed me out so badly that I stopped ovulating. When I stopped, I would ovulate again, but then I knew if I returned to it, it would happen again.
It was the most agonizing experience of my life.
We named both our briefly conceived children ([name_u]Owen[/name_u] [name_u]Michael[/name_u] [name_m]Russell[/name_m] and [name_f]Cordelia[/name_f] [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] [name_f]Marjorie[/name_f]). It was the right thing to do. Many would say oh, but how long were you even pregnant, does it count?
Believe me, conception can be physical and/or it can simply be the mental conception of your dreamed-for child.
Naming is powerful. It gives a voice to both our unborn children and to our love for them and to our near unbearable grief.
I never thought I would heal but I am so much more healed than I was. Sending you prayers and best wishes.
[name_u]Leslie[/name_u]
PS All the names are lovely. My guess is there is one that calls to you most.
I’m so sorry to hear about everything you’ve been through. What an incredibly brave post and an incredibly brave, lovely idea to say goodbye in this way.
I second @lesliemarion: your names are all beautiful and meaningful - is there one that resonates with you more than the others, even if it’s not your objective favourite? One you keep coming back to, perhaps despite yourself?
I wish you all the very best for the future, wherever it takes you. You sound like a wonderful, caring, strong person and you deserve to live your life and enjoy it, not merely exist cycle to cycle. I truly hope that you find peace and closure.
I guess I’m the person you got [name_f]Magda[/name_f] [name_f]Honey[/name_f], [name_f]Phoebe[/name_f] [name_f]Lavender[/name_f] and [name_f]Gwendolen[/name_f] [name_f]Daisy[/name_f] from, and while I don’t really know what to say, I wish you good luck whatever happens. You have a beautiful list of names, and I hope you find the one that feels right. Sending you my best wishes.
