[name]Hi[/name], my name is [name]Vi[/name] [name]Aure[/name]. I signed up for nameberry today, but I’ve been watching the forums for a while now. I love names and their histories and meanings. I didn’t know where to post this. I apologize if it’s in the wrong place.
I’m rather young. 18. I need advice on something. I’ve been engaged for a while now. Planning to get married this summer on my 19th birthday. My fiance, soon-to-be husband, is older and would like to start a family as soon as possible. He grew up with sisters and wants to have a large family. I’m almost finished with my degree in economics and plan on attending law school. I live in the US and he lives in the UK. I’ll be moving over there in the summer. He’s rather financially stable and settled, which makes the idea of having children easier. We would be able to afford it financially. I’m just not sure if I’m emotionally ready. Is everyone this scared?
Anyway,(sorry for that long introduction), he wants a family as soon as possible. I don’t know when to try to conceive. I want to have a stable marriage and get settled before bringing a life into the world. I can’t imagine being pregnant and being the protector/guider of a new fragile life.
I don’t know what I’m asking. I guess my question is when did you start having kids. What’s a good time to try to conceive?
Thank you in advance. I’m so happy to have finally joined such a supportive community as nameberry!
That is a tough question to answer as it differs for each person, but I’ll tell you what we did. We started trying when we had been married for 3 years. It took us over a year to conceive however, so we had our son just a few months before our 5 year anniversary. I think for most people I would recommend being married for at least a year before having kids. Kids are hard on even the best marriages, and I think getting to know each other well before the baby is born is great. Of course, my grandmother got pregnant right after they got married (basically on their honeymoon), and they’ve been married for over 50 years. Sometimes I think it might be good to have a baby early in marriage, because then you are still madly in love with each other and less likely to get annoyed at every little thing. Obviously, no one can answer that question for you. It’s about what you and your husband are ready for. Good news is, after you get pregnant, you have 9 months to get used to the idea Most of my friends started trying after about three years, so that seems to be a sweet spot for a lot of couples. Maybe that’s just when the baby fever overpowers the spouse fever Good luck with your decision and you upcoming marriage!
@whit32: Thank you for your reply! I think I want to wait a while. At very least a year.
[name]Tom[/name] wants to start trying to conceive pretty much on the honeymoon. I wouldn’t say that he’s pressuring me into it. He’s not that kind of person. I want us both to be happy and I know that having children would make him happy. But then again, we do have the rest of our lives to have kids. He’s concerned at being an “old father” as he’s just turned 32. In comparison to me, he’s old but with age comes wisdom and that can only help us. I do worry about the age difference. 13 years. But I think we’ll be fine. I can’t imagine being without him. I guess I might be kind of forced into marriage, because I want to go law school in the UK because I want to practice there and to be closer to him. His family, and himself at times, can be rather old fashioned and prefer that we get married. Not to say that I don’t want to. I just… don’t know.
I’m sorry. I feel like I’m rambling and I don’t know where I’m headed. But thank you for your advice. It’s nice to have someone to talk to about this. My own mother conceived my oldest brother on their honeymoon, so she has trouble relating to my worries.
You’re only eighteen and have already been “engaged for a while”? And your fiance is 32? And you’re planning on moving to the other side of the planet to be with him while you’re still a teenager? If I were you, I’d have some more significant questions to ask myself than just when it’s a good time to have children.
So whether you’re lying about certain things or not you did ask a legitimate question.
My fiancee and I are wanting to start trying to get pregnant after we’ve had two or three years to ourselves. [name]Even[/name] though we’ve been together almost three years and by the time we get married it’all be closer to five we want to be settled. We want to get used to being in the same house as each other, have time to figure out how we work as a married couple. I have the weird quirk with the “correct” place of shampoo vs conditioner in the shower. You need time to learn those.
As to the age difference, my grandparents were 13 year apart in age. My grandfather had been married and had three children from his first wife when my grandmother and he were married. He was 42 when my mother (his youngest) was born. Old parents are nothing new. But that is between you and him. Good luck.
Yerp! Well, sort of. You get your bachelors degree in law and then you go on to ‘law school’. That’s what my friend [name]Amy[/name] did anyway Totally with you though on everything else though [name]Blade[/name]
@blade: In [name]America[/name], specifically Ohio, you can take college courses while in highschool (post secondary enrollment options program). I began taking classes fulltime during my sophomore year at highschool. I have started my first “real year” at college in the fall. I scheduled it so that I’ll graduate. I know that it seems unlikely, but I started college as a senior in credits. I plan on taking Common Professional Examination/ Graduate Diploma in [name]Law[/name]. I wanted to keep my options open, which is why I got the economics degree and it allowed for specialization within the field of law.
@renrose: I got an economics degree to be a corporate lawyer. You major in prelaw or take prelaw courses to prepare for law school, but it isn’t mandatory. You have to take the LSAT and that determines which law school will want you based on your logic skills. This test score is pretty much only useful in [name]America[/name]. I didn’t know where I wanted to go to law school so I didn’t want to limit my options. I didn’t think that a prelaw degree mattered much if I wasn’t going to stay in [name]America[/name]. I was originally plaining on going to law school in [name]France[/name] as it was under the Napoleonic code which is what I’m most familiar with.
I’ve known [name]Tom[/name] for years as our families have been friends. By “a while”, I mean we’ve been engaged since last [name]Christmas[/name]. He’s never touched me like that, again he’s traditional. He doesn’t believe in it. We started dating in the UK since I was 16. In the eyes of [name]America[/name], our relationship is illegal. It began as platonic as you can imagine. I know I’m not probably supposed to say this but I wanted to… At 16 and even now at 18, I would like to sleep with him, but he wants to wait till the wedding night. It’s rather hard to have sex if you live almost 4,000 miles away.
@ sarahmezz: I understand what you’re saying. Again the engagement began on [name]Christmas[/name] of last year. It’s not like I’ve never been to the UK before or that I don’t know him. I’ve known him all my life. (but it wasn’t like THAT until relatively recently: when I was 16.) I do believe that this is the man I want to marry. I can’t imagine not being with him. He does want to get married more than I do. He wants to settle down, because of his older age. I want to be with him and if that’s in marriage, then yes.
@thefuturemrsb: Thanks for the advice! Hopefully it’ll cheer him up to hear of older parents. We aren’t sure how many kids we want. Anywhere from about 4 to 6. I come from a family of 4 and he comes from a family of 3. I think that he had always wanted a brother and so he wants to have two of each gender so they’ll always have someone to confide in and relate to. I feel the same way being the only daughter. It would have been nice to have had a sister.
[name]Hi[/name] there. Based on your story, I would strongly advise you to wait at least a year before trying to start a family. You want to have time to settle into your marriage. I also was in a long-distance relationship (but nowhere near as long a distance as yours), and did not live with my husband before the wedding. The transition was actually pretty smooth, but even so it’s an adjustment. You see each other in a different light, and you need time to adjust to that.
You also need to remember that moving to a new place, even one that is familiar to you, is a huge adjustment. I actually moved back to my hometown after getting married, but I hadn’t lived there for 10 years. I was surprised at how difficult the adjustment was: You’re making new friends, finding a new doctor, dentist, hair stylist, all the things you’re used to doing without thinking. That takes time. If you have a baby without getting settled into a community, you may find yourself feeling very isolated. You especially need to make sure you understand the medical system of the UK so you can get the care you need when you do get pregnant. Make sure you know what services are available to you. Certainly, your future husband can help you with that, but in my experience, it’s not something most men are informed about!
Your fiance really doesn’t need to worry much about being an “old dad”. Honestly, the average age of first birth is 30 in the UK for women, so it’s not like he’d be solidly average in having kids in his early 30s. It’s better to wait until you both feel ready and settled in your marriage than to rush things because of some arbitrary timetable about what is considered “old”. (In fact, my dad’s parents were 37 and 38 when he was born, and 42 and 43 when my youngest uncle was born. It wasn’t their choice to wait until they were older, but that’s just how things turned out, and actually my grandma lived to be 96 and saw all her grandchildren grow into adulthood.)
Since OP seems to be a PSEOP student from Ohio I’ll explain a bit more, being a PSEOP student in Ohio. You’re allowed to take up to 25 credit hrs a year, every year you’re in the program. I’m on my third year and have about 50 credit hours and will have about 62 by the end of the year.
So let’s say she took 25 credit hrs her senior year, and 25-30 this year. She now has 50-55 credit hrs; in another 2 years she could have her [name]Bachelor[/name]'s in Economics. Not “close” but I see what she’s getting at.
Personally I love the program because it helps start you off on the right foot with some experience under your belt.
As to her relationship that’s hers and I have no opinion on it.
@thefuturemrsb: I took 32 hours per year and received credit for AP scores. I started with 108 hours. I’ve being doing PSEOP fulltime. I haven’t had any restriction other than 32 hours or less. I’m from south west Ohio, if that makes any difference.
Anyway, [name]Vi[/name], here are my thoughts, and please don’t be offended by what I say here. It sounds to me like your fiance is putting pressure on you to get married, and you are very young. [name]Just[/name] because you’ve known each other for a long time, doesn’t mean you know each other as partners/lovers however you want to put it. Girls in their late teens and men in their early thirties are on different planets. I think you should move to [name]England[/name] on your own, not straight in with him. Live in your own and DATE. Seeing each other on a daily basis is a huge thing, it’s not all fun and rainbows and flying ponies. I don’t get the waiting until marriage to have sex, sex is such a big part of falling in love and reacting to another human being, but that’s my thoughts, not yours. Anyway, I think jumping straight into marriage from a long distance relationship is a bad idea. As for starting to try for a baby straight away - bad idea. Simply because you need to have a decent, sexy, fun sex life before you add a little person to the mix. And, sweetie, you’re so young. And it seems like you want to wait. Again, it seems like your fiance is putting pressure on you, and that makes me wonder if he is the right one. You can also tell him that the average first time dad age in the U.K. is 32, and I know very few men who’ve become fathers before their mid-thirties.
Also, and I know this is non of my business, but what are your parents thoughts on this? I know I’ve only been a mama for four days, but if a thirty year old man tried to date my sixteen year old daughter, I’d get my gun and shoot him.
@maggiefromcanada: I do see what you’re saying and I agree. Moving over will be a hassle with both things and emotionally draining. I haven’t thought about those things yet: new doctor, dentist, and things. Finishing school and planning the wedding has been my main focus.
[name]Do[/name] you know of any ways/places to make friends? I don’t want [name]Tom[/name] to be my sole connection to the outside world. I know that I’ll make friends in school, but I’d also like to have friends that aren’t law students. I think it’s important to have a life outside of [name]Tom[/name] and develop other interests.
I’ve told [name]Tom[/name] about the average age of becoming a mother. He’s now become concerned for me. Perhaps theres a reason that women are starting to have children at an older age. [name]Even[/name] I start having children in three years, I will be 22. If I waited till I was 30, he’d be 43. There has to be a happy middle. I thinking waiting at least a year would be best
@ottilie: Thanks for the advice! & Congratulations on becoming a mother! [name]Rosalind[/name] Illyria [name]Beatrice[/name] is such a beautiful name!
He really isn’t putting pressure on me to have children. I know that it’s a dream of his to have kids soon and he’ll make a great father. It’s because I love him that I want to have kids with him. He’s receiving pressure from his parents and mine to get married. He talks about how things won’t be that different. [name]How[/name] has life changed since you got married/moved in with your significant other?
I want to experience the world and date in theory. I’d like to go on a date with someone that isn’t [name]Tom[/name]. But, I don’t want anyone else than him. I know I’m young and naive to think that, but I don’t know how to not want to be with him. I’ve been waiting two years for this. I think it’s a good idea to not have kids until we’re settled into the marriage. I don’t want to put kids into a relationship that may not work out for whatever reason. His parents and mine are really excited about the wedding. They’ve set out the invitations. I feel like it’s too late to take back now. I feel nervous, but that just may be pre-wedding jitters and being scared of leaving home forever. Over the weekends and breaks, I could always go home but now I’ll get a new home and my parents will be hours away. I am excited to get married to him and to be with him in person instead of on the phone. I’m excited that I’ll wake up and he’ll be there every day. I just don’t know what MARRIAGE entails. The word seems scary to me.
My parents would probably kill anyone who isn’t [name]Tom[/name]. It’s because they know him and his family that they are comfortable with him. It’s because they know the kind of person he is. He has a good heart. To be honest, I was surprised as well.
@viaure: Thanks for your comments. I’ve moved several times and have lived overseas twice, and I’ve definitely experienced that no matter how familiar you think you are with a place, there will be some aspects you never took into consideration. That’s why getting settled takes time.
As to making friends, school is probably your best bet. In addition to your classmates, you could look into student associations. Is there a group for American ex-pats or exchange students? Are there student clubs for something you might find interesting, whether it’s Amnesty International or “[name]Asian[/name] cooking enthusiasts club” or whatever. You could start looking into this now on your future university’s website. I’m not sure of your religious background, but I’ve made a lot of friends at my church. You could also try something like meetup.com, where they have groups for enthusiasts of just about anything. If you’re sporty, you could try joining a sports team or a running club. You probably don’t want to fill up your calendar every night if you’re a newlywed, but doing a few regular activities will help you make friends and feel more at home. Last year, I read a book called “MWF Seeks BFF” by [name]Rachel[/name] Bertsche, which is about one woman’s experience trying to make friends as a married woman settling into Chicago. It has a lot of information about making friends, the psychology of friendship, etc. If you’re a reader, you may want to check it out.
FWIW, I didn’t mention the average age because I think you should wait 10 years, but rather just to let you know that 32 isn’t abnormally old. There’s no need to wait that long just to be “average”, but waiting a year or two to get settled is reasonable.
@viaure: Are you comfortable saying what city? I’m in SW Ohio as well and I’m only allowed 25 hours.
And I’d have to agree with [name]Ottilie[/name]. Sex is a big thing. I know religiously my family would not be happy with me if they knew my fiancee and I had sex. But our relationship has gotten so much…stronger, better? I don’t really know how to describe it. But we were those teenagers who starting having sex at 15 (I was a week from being 16, [name]Martin[/name] was 15 & 1/2). There’s a lot of emotion involved in sex, its not all physical. However when you have sex is a personal decision.
[name]Martin[/name] and I got engaged a little over two years ago but we haven’t told any family because they would tell us we’re idiotic teenagers who didn’t know what we were doing. And we honestly didn’t; he asked me randomly while we were hanging out at my house. But it worked. We don’t want to give up and walk away from each other when we fight. We want to sit and figure out why we fought because we want to spend the rest of our lives together and not argue the same thing every day. [name]Even[/name] though we’re young we take our engagement seriously and marriage even more so. Neither of us want to divorce unless things are beyond repair between us. Which we try to prevent.
Marriage and sex are something that both people need to agree on and be comfortable with. Talk to [name]Tom[/name] about it and tell him exactly how you feel. Being “bullied” or “pressured” might cause issues later on.
@thefuturemrsb I am very comfortable with [name]London[/name]. I visit every year. I guess I’ll have to do the practical things: find a new doctor, dentist etc. It’s been difficult doing school and planning a wedding at the same time.
My only real concern with sex is if I’ll good at it. If [name]Tom[/name] and I will be good together. I know that [name]Tom[/name] has had sex. He’s 32. That would be forever to wait. I do worry that anyone he’s slept with before will be better than I’ll be. I guess the difference will be that we’re in love. [name]Love[/name] can change how good the sex is.
If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you now? Did you guys get engaged before you had sex? I really hope that you and [name]Martin[/name] are very happy together and have a long marriage in the future. Family always think that young people don’t know what they want, but it’s just that the younger ones are fearless because they haven’t been burned yet. I expected my parents (as well as his) to disapprove of [name]Tom[/name] and me, but they said that he’s good for me and that he makes me better. I have to agree with that.
I like that [name]Tom[/name] is older because he has the experience, wisdom and financial footing that will make having kids further into the future (at least a year) easier. He’s also more curteous than guys my age. He went through his immature phase as a teen but has grown into a considerate man. I think that going on dates again with guys my awful. Because this is a long distance relationship and [name]Tom[/name] was concerned that he was “stealing my youth”, I went on several dates with guys my own age over the years. They were casual and never lead to a second date. I tried to convince myself to like them more than I love [name]Tom[/name]. (See the problem?) It would be easier because this new guy was closer and closer in age. It’s been difficult being a relationship with [name]Tom[/name] not only because of the age difference but the way we’re viewed because of it.
I wouldn’t mind having sex now but [name]Tom[/name] is worried because we started dating when I was so young. He doesn’t want to do anything improper.
@ ottilie : [name]Tom[/name] currently lives in [name]Kensington[/name], [name]London[/name], but we’re going to move in together in a larger place in Notting [name]Hill[/name], [name]London[/name].
I know that my age and our age difference makes things more difficult. There were times where I didn’t think that we’d be together after two years of dating. A long distance is hard enough without the age difference. All my friends said that I would change my mind or that he’d find someone else. I’m stunned that that hasn’t happy. I’m happy but stunned.
I know this sound immature, but I can’t imagine a world without him. Despite better judgement, I want him and I want to live with him. I don’t know if I should call off the wedding for a while and just live with him. His parents and mine wouldn’t approve, but it’s our lives. I don’t know.
Since you asked how life changed, I thought I’d chime in here as well since my story is a bit closer to yours. We did choose to wait until marriage for sex (we were totally on the same page with that) and did not live together before marriage. That was the best decision for us, but we are evangelical Christians so it was a non-negotiable. I’m a very logical person, so I wanted the decision to marry him to be something felt by my head and my heart, if that makes sense. I didn’t want the emotions around sex to cloud my head. I know for some people, the emotions surrounding WANTING to have sex cloud their heads, but that wasn’t the case for me. I don’t want to over-share, but I’ll say that we didn’t have any difficulties with that after marriage, although I know some people do.
[name]Even[/name] though we made the right decision for us (both in waiting and getting married in general), the transition hasn’t always been easy. We were both adults who had lived on our own, which made some things easier: We were used to paying bills, keeping a house, etc. I had a lot roommates over the years, which helped me to be used to the fact that we wouldn’t do everything the same way, and that’s okay. On the other hand, because we had both been on our own for a while, it’s taken time for us to get used to taking someone else into consideration all.the.time. I still have moments when I think, “I should go on vacation to X”, and then realize, oh yeah, we have to discuss these things first. I used to be busy every night of the week, but now I consider our marriage before filling up my schedule, because in order for us to build our marriage, we need to see each other sometimes! It takes work to have a good marriage. Like I said earlier, because I quit my job and moved right after marriage, the transition was sometimes difficult, because my husband works long days and I was often lonely. I had to remind myself that it would take time to get settled and make friends, and that the decision to live here was the right one (because my family are close by, and it’s a way better work situation for my husband). I can look back after a year and say that I’ve grown a lot and we did really enjoy our first year of marriage. It wasn’t easy, but the good was worth all the stress. I hope this helps.
Most of my friends started trying after about three years, so that seems to be a sweet spot for a lot of couples. Maybe that’s just when the baby fever overpowers the spouse fever 
Good luck with your decision and you upcoming marriage!