I’ve noticed a few people (myself included) stating that they’re concerned about causing tension in the family by not honoring a family member with their child’s name, particularly in situations where their first child is named after someone. In my case, my daughter’s middle name is after my grandmother. I worry that if we have a second daughter, my husband’s grandmothers will be hurt if we don’t give her one of their names as her middle name. Or worse, that if we did give her one of their names as a middle name, the other one would feel left out or jealous. What I’m wondering is, has this ever actually happened to someone? Or are we just over-thinking it and stressing for nothing?
[name_m]Both[/name_m] my girls have middles from my side of the family so I’m in the same boat as you. My problem is, the names on my husband’s side are just bland. The only useable one is [name_m]Bryson[/name_m] and if we have another child, boy or girl, I’m putting it in the middle spot (probably a second middle in the case of a girl) to avoid hurt feelings.
My mom wanted to name me after her mom, but knew dad’s side of the family would be peeved. So, my mom found a roundabout way to name me after my grandmother- she gave me a name that is derived from, but sounds almost nothing like her mom’s name. Dad agreed, and I ended up with a super-common name, but one that honors a super awesome lady 
Dad’s family never figured out my name was to honor my mom’s mom.
My dad was never exactly on the best of terms with his family. However, when his dad died shortly after I was born, there was pressure put on them to honor dad’s dad with the next child. My parents had picked a middle name they liked when they got pregnant again. The family kept being super-nasty about it. The pressure was on, and when my little sister was born, mom and dad gave her the feminine form of dad’s dad’s name. :-/ They always regretted not using the middle they wanted, because my mom and dad admittedly don’t care for my sister’s middle.
Granted, this is only hearsay from my mom, as I was too young to remember any of this, but my mom is not one to exaggerate or make up stories.
So yeah. It happens.
Let me add, though… It depends on the family.
My dad’s family puts the fun in dysfunctional.
No one in my family has a name that honours another family member. They’re more likely to name their children after Bible characters/religious figures, if anything.
Personally, I would only use an honour name because I and/or my future partner wanted to and not because others wanted us to or because it was expected of us. I wouldn’t necessarily use the names of my relatives who are closest to me by blood- partly because most of them have boring names, but also because I’d only use honour names if I had a special, personal and deep relationship with the person. I’m years away from having kids, but so far the only people I’d want to honour are my mum or one of my favourite teachers. It wouldn’t be that meaningful for me if I used someone’s name or a variation of it just to satisfy others.
Also, while honour names are special, in the grand scheme of things it’s more important [name_f]IMO[/name_f] to honour a person or their memory by passing on the lessons the person taught you and for your child to have a relationship with them if possible.
Well said!
I’m assuming his grandmother’s know that your daughter’s middle name is after your grandmother… [name_m]Just[/name_m] asking, because I don’t even know what my brother in law’s grandparents names are, much less know whether my nieces/nephew were named after them. Did you mention it in the announcement or discuss it specifically in front of them?
If not, there’s a good chance they don’t even know much less are harboring any resentment about it.
For me, honoring is a beautiful gesture if it’s meaningful to you. The whole idea of feeling (or being) forced into using an honoring name completely defeats the purpose in my opinion.
If you or your husband don’t feel a strong connection to them or their names I definitely don’t think you should feel obligated in any way to use their names.
Yes, everyone knows that [name_f]Maura[/name_f]'s middle name was my grandma’s name. You don’t hear the name [name_f]Lucille[/name_f] that often these days, so everyone asks.
No one is putting pressure on us to name our children after anybody, I think I’m putting the pressure on myself. My grandma passed away earlier this year and I am so glad that my husband convinced me to honor her with our daughter’s name (I was hesitant because [name_f]Lucille[/name_f] seemed like such an old-lady name to me, being my grandma’s name and all, but he knew I loved her a lot and he thought she was sweet and cute the one time he met her, so he insisted) because it means the world to to me now. I know she was really pleased when she found out we named the baby after her. They never got a chance to meet each other while she was still alive, which breaks my heart, so I’m glad my daughter carries something of her even if it is just her name.
The thing is, I would be perfectly happy to honor one of my husband’s grandmothers. I love them both and he was very close to them growing up, even closer than I was with my grandma really because we lived so far apart. Since we named our first daughter, I always imagined that we would name our second if we have one after his grandma [name_f]Helen[/name_f]. It’s not that I like her more than his grandma [name_f]Ada[/name_f], or that I like her name more or anything like that, but I think she’s more of a role model. [name_f]Helen[/name_f] was the school librarian at my husband’s elementary school when he was little. [name_f]Ada[/name_f] hid her daughter’s college acceptance letter because she didn’t believe girls needed higher education. I’m a teacher, so I think it’s obvious how I feel about it. I don’t think [name_f]Ada[/name_f] would get mad or say anything at all if we did (although her daughter, my mother-in-law, might), I’m just so worried that she would secretly be hurt by it. I don’t want her to feel like we love her least of all the grandmas, because it isn’t so.
There are a lot of other little reasons why I’m drawn towards choosing the name [name_f]Helen[/name_f]. I like that both [name_f]Lucille[/name_f] and [name_f]Helen[/name_f] have meanings that have to do with light, which I think is a really beautiful meaning. It makes me think of sunshine and warmth, creativity and enlightenment. I like that both daughters’ names would have that connection. My grandma [name_f]Lucille[/name_f] was a writer and husband’s grandma [name_f]Helen[/name_f] was a librarian, so that’s another connection, reading and writing and education. They’re both our paternal grandmothers. It just feels right to me, but I don’t know how right it could be if it hurt someone else, you know?
As it is, I don’t think anyone is “harboring resentment” about our daughter’s name. I’m just concerned that we may have set some kind of precedent that we’re now expected to follow. And, that if we do follow it, that could lead to some negativity.
That’s a beautiful story about your grandma and his!
I totally think you should use [name_f]Helen[/name_f]! It sounds like she’s an awesome lady, and that it fits beautifully into your family.
You don’t know what the future holds (maybe you’ll have another daughter!). I don’t think you should avoid using such a meaningful name. [name_f]Ada[/name_f]'s an adult and getting mad because someone else was honored and you weren’t feels immature to me. I’m sure she’ll love your daughter whether she has her name or not. If no one has pushed you, then you shouldn’t overthink it–use what you love. Does your DH think that grandma [name_f]Ada[/name_f] will have her feelings hurt?
Honestly, he said he doesn’t care if we use either of their names, and if we don’t use either one then neither one can feel hurt about it (or they can both feel hurt, depending on how you look at it). But, I wasn’t keen on using my grandma’s name either until he pushed me to, and now I’m glad that we did. So, I don’t know if I should insist like he did because he might regret it later, or if we should just pick something else.
No, we aren’t really worried that [name_f]Ada[/name_f] would be mad, just sad maybe. I’m actually more worried that [name_f]Debbie[/name_f] (his mother) would be mad, like we were leaving her family out or something. And, she would say something about it, too. She can’t not say something. He said he doesn’t care what she thinks, though. And I don’t care what she thinks, but I don’t want to feel her wrath either. LOL!
The thing is, we really do want to honor someone. We want our children to have a family connection through their names. He and I both do with ours. (His middle name was his mom’s maiden name. My middle name is the same as my aunt’s and was also my great-great-grandmother’s first name.) I suppose it doesn’t have to be another one of our grandmothers. [name_u]Ever[/name_u] since we named [name_f]Maura[/name_f] [name_f]Lucille[/name_f], [name_f]Helen[/name_f] just seemed perfect to me, though.
Maybe we should pick [name_f]Ellen[/name_f] instead? That’s my aunt’s name who I share a middle name with. She is someone we’d both be happy to honor, and I guess it would still indirectly honor [name_f]Helen[/name_f], too, just sneakily… They can’t get mad if all our kids are named after my family, right? They already have his family name.
lol! That sounds like a good plan! I agree that it would still honor [name_f]Helen[/name_f]. If you were loving [name_f]Harriet[/name_f] but wanted to honor a [name_f]Helen[/name_f] in the middle, I’d probably suggest [name_f]Ellen[/name_f]–since it’s a variation with the same meaning. I think you solved your own problem.