[name_f]My[/name_f] boyfriend and I both agree that we want children in the future but recently I started to wonder when that might be because in theory we’re at a point in our lives where we could have children and take care of them.
We would be considered very young to have children (early 20’s) where we live. Everyone we know who has a baby or is pregnant is at least 6+ years older which fits the average age for first time moms which is almost 30 here and I believe that’s influencing our view on that topic a lot.
I don’t feel like I want children yet but how did you decide when the right time was to have children (or start ttc as you can’t always plan when you get pregnant)? Did it just feel right? Did you base your decision on any reasons?
First and foremost, go by the timeline that is right for YOU! Not what others around you are doing or what is common in your area.
We started TTC in 2017, we decided the time was right because I was freshly 28, we had been together for 12 years, we owned a home, bought a safe SUV and had a dog already. We both had stable jobs and good income, everything fit for how we wanted to bring a baby into the world. We were ready to provide for a child, emotionally and financially.
We are STILL trying for our first baby. We are absolutely more ready now, in all ways, and sometimes I’m glad we didn’t conceive a successful pregnancy early on because our situation is even better now for a child. But you can do everything you want for timing and planning, and life is going to have it’s own ideas. [name_f]My[/name_f] best advice is get financially and mentally ready, and when you and your partner both feel that, go for it.
I 100% chose the wrong time to TTC. We hadn’t even been married a year yet and wanted to at least wait until that year mark to begin trying. I’ve always wanted kids, I saw our friends start having kids and I begged my husband to push up the timeline a bit. It ended up taking us almost 3.5 years to conceive. On one hand, I’m thankful we started when we did because we got the ball rolling early on exploring our infertility. On the other hand, while going through that was horrible, I am thankful we didn’t get pregnant back then. We were in no position to have a baby. Low income, both of us were students plus worked full time, an apartment that wasn’t the best to raise a child in, our relationship wasn’t very strong then, etc.
Babies are wonderful. They aren’t a choice to take lightly, though. It takes a lot of care and resources to raise them. Only you and your partner can do that for them so the decision should be based on your ability to do so, no what timeline others are on.
Thank you both for your answers! I really appreciate it.
We both finished our education (germanys school system works a little diffrent then the usa/uk one and is designed to get you working early) and are financially stable enough for a child. Which is why I’m wondering cause I think in theory we are in a good position to start a family other then our age and maybe the current political situation in europe.
I recently saw a youtuber who became a planned parent at 18 I never heard a story like that before (I heard of teen and young adults becoming parents before but never planned) and that just started that thought process for me and made me wonder how to decide when a good time for children is (or trying for children cause yes life has it’s own ideas) because I think we check of most of the boxes people consider when thinking about children (financially stable, living situation, been together for a couple of years…) but at the same time I don’t feel like I want children just quite yet but I’m afraid I might regret it if we end up trying for a long time.
Update I sprung it on my bf and he wasn’t a fan def doesn’t want to think about a child as long as inflation in germany is so high which is a good point so that’s that but I still appreciate all thoughts as this is still something I’m curious about!
My boyfriend and I are also in our early 20s and are trying to have a child. All the advice I have gotten from people who already have children is that there there’s absolutely wrong times to have a child, but no one “right time”. And that you can be better or worse prepared to be a parent, but no one is ever truly ready, so don’t get too hung up on having the perfect everything before you have a child. Of course, it’s important to be able to make ends meet and take care of yourselves before you have a baby, especially in these times with the high cost of living. But I don’t think you have to be rich to meet a child’s needs or be a good parent.
For us it was a simple decision in some respects. We have a stable long term relationship, we’re in a good financial position right now - better than the one either of us was raised in - and it’s what we both want. I know already that I have some health issues that make it harder for us to conceive too, so it made sense for us to start now rather than in 10 years. It’s perfectly understandable that the age for having children is higher now and most people want to wait until their 30s, but we want to have children younger and I think that’s perfectly fine too. I don’t see any reason why we should wait just because everyone else is waiting. I’m also very close with my mother and I’d like for her to be able to be involved with her grandchildren for longer. But yes, most people our age do not want children for a long time/ever, and would much rather have a fur baby than a human one! I can understand that too.
Ultimately like everyone else says, it’s a decision only you two can make and you should both be 100% on board/sure that it’s what you want. But don’t let what other people are doing, or the fear of not having everything perfect, stop you either. Take some time to consider it through. Maybe even borrow a baby from other people in your life for a few hours (if you have them) to see what it’s like!
There’s no right time. You’d be waiting til retirement for the right time and then it’d be too late.
I didn’t decide, failed contraception decided for me. I fell pregnant at 22, had my son at 23 and I’m 25 and pregnant, due just after I turn 26. But I was late to the motherhood game as both my sisters fell pregnant at 19. I knew I wanted children but was hoping to be around the age I am now (25) before I started trying, as financially I wasn’t in a good place. But I can provide for my child now and have since I became pregnant, he’s never gone without, so I think it worked out like a good time for me. He came at just the right time as I wasn’t in a good place when I found out I was pregnant and he’s been my whole heart since
It’s something you have to discuss with your partner and go from there. Especially if you think there’s another 6yrs until you’re around the average age in your country, there is no rush just yet. Things can change so quickly and you may find you’re both ready sooner as well!
Thanks for your answer! Was there anytime you felt your age was a disadvantage somehow (life expierence wise, how people treated you,…) ? I’m 22 now so hearing from someone who became a mom at 23 is great!
(Feel free to ignore this if it is too personal)
The way I’ve always explained it when people asked me how to know if you’re ready is “you just know.” I know that’s not the answer a lot of people want, but it’s like being in love. There aren’t boxes you can check off, you just know. [name_m]Even[/name_m] if you’re financially stable, in a stable relationship, etc, if you don’t feel ready then don’t do it. You both being emotionally ready is what’s most important because having a baby comes with a ton of emotions and you need to be completely ready to handle them all for the sake of you, your relationship, and your child.
I was 10 years older than you when I concieved but I absolutely wanted children earlier, the circumstances just weren’t right. They weren’t right when we concieved either (I’d only just moved back to the state my partner was living in and hadn’t found work yet so missed out on maternity leave). However the biggest thing I’m grateful for around timing is that I was 100 x more emotionally mature at 32 than 22. That won’t be the case for everybody, but it took me a long time to grow up and get over myself! I’m glad I didnt bring a child into this world before I had a chance to work through my own traumas and stories and come to a place of peace in myself.
[name_f]My[/name_f] husband and I are in our early thirties and we definitely want children. Due to financial reasons and some health issues for me, we are going to wait until sometime in 2023 to attempt to conceive a child. [name_u]Baby[/name_u] names have been a topic for us since we started dating, as an extension of discussing my future legal name change at first. We have gone through two separate name lists since then, incorporating his family names and a few of my favorites. Maturity definitely plays a role when deciding the “right” timing, but finances, living arrangements, lifestyle preferences, family dynamics, other personal goals (school, growing in your marriage/romantic relationship, job promotion, etc.) need to be considered, as well.
We wanted to be young parents (20s). We also wanted me to be a SAHM, so when he got a job that could support us without my income, it was time for us.
Definitely, I look younger than I am which doesn’t help but I think the fact I knew just as much as older mum’s helped. I did SO much research when pregnant on baby milestones, regressions, safe sleep, weaning etc so I felt like my knowledge was power if that makes any sense. I was never a party girl and much preferred to stay home than go out so I think coming across as sensible even before pregnancy made it easier for me as well as the judgement really wasn’t there.
That is a goal for my husband and myself. I would love to stay home with my children, while they are under five, and I could return part time to work after that.
We wanted a baby basically as soon as we discovered it would be difficult for us to achieve. Think it was maybe a year or so before our wedding, so I was about twenty four and my now-husband was twenty six. I got diagnosed with PCOS and that just confirmed all my fears and launched me into wanting to try straight away.
I am glad for many reasons we didn’t. It’s mostly been this year that with fertility treatment and we are now 27 and 29. I had always hoped I’d be pregnant at 27, as that’s the age my mother had me, it felt like a happy medium between early 20s and 30s.
How did we know we were ready? These were the things that felt important to us, but may look different in [name_u]Germany[/name_u]:
- Having minimal/manageable debts
- Reliable vehicles
- Owning our own home
- Having stable incomes
- Having travelled and had life experiences
- Gotten married (not for everybody, but was important to us.)
- We’ve grown in our communication and closeness in our relationship.
In our area it is not uncommon for people to start having children ‘young’ In fact a lot of the people I graduated with got married and started having kids in their early 20’s (or some even late teens 18/19) while I don’t think that’s the best route for everyone. If you have the desire, stability, maturity, healthy and loving relationship (and the support) you can have children young.
Like others have said having children is based on your tone line and what you are comfortable with