[name_f]My[/name_f] parents don’t understand being trans in the slightest. I don’t blame them, I know it’s hard to find out your daughter is your son, but they aren’t even trying. I think they are calling me girl things like daughter or girlie of my girl name even more than they did before I came out. And they’re making me dress really feminine. This is quite the conundrum.
I really wish I could help more. I have a lot of friends who have been in similar situations. I hope your parents grow to understand and respect your identity. I think a lot of people- especially if they’re middle age or older- have a difficult time with changes because it challenges a lot of what they’ve believed their whole lives. But that doesn’t make it okay to disrespect someone’s identity. I think the more they get used to it, the more they might accept it? Or at least, I hope! If you’re in a safe situation where you feel secure, you might try talking (again) in depth about them with how it makes you feel that they’re treating you like you’re a girl. best of luck, my friend! be safe and stay strong
This is a difficult situation to be in. If you feel comfortable, you can try talking to them again about the significance and importance to you that they use the right name. Once again, if you feel safe, I would recommend persistence; quietly correct them when they use the wrong name, pronouns, or feminine names. I would also recommend asking other people who are more accepting of your identity to also consistently use the name, pronouns, and more masculine terms you prefer around your parents. It might rub off, or at least make it more familiar to them. Sometimes it takes a long time for people to adjust to change; if you can, keep trying. Best of luck in this trying situation!
Honestly, the amount of pushback you can give depends on how safe and secure your situation is. If you are entirely at the mercy of your parents, there’s only so much autonomy you can demand before the situation starts to become unsafe. So only follow the suggestions that feel like something you can do without jeopardizing your health and safety.
A good therapist is a crucial ally in navigating gender dysphoria, transitioning, and parental reactions to your gender identity. If you have a therapist, ask for their help in explaining your identity to your parents. Invite them to a therapy session with you and have your therapist lead and direct the conversation. If you do not have a therapist, tell your parents you need to start seeing one.
You could try:
- Gently correcting them every time they misgender or deadname you.
- Refusing to respond or acknowledge them unless they use the correct name or pronouns.
- Asking friends to make a point of using the correct name and pronouns around your family.
- Asking your bravest friends to deliberately misunderstand when your parents misgender or deadname you - “[name_u]Lisa[/name_u]…[blank look]. OH, you mean [name_m]Jeremy[/name_m]!”
- Sharing links, articles, and infographics with your parents about the importance of accepting your identity - for example, a friend of mine showed her parents the data that trans kids are at 8x the risk of suicide if their parents don’t support their identity.
- Donating all your femme-coded clothing and only keeping clothing that is masc-coded or gender neutral.
- Inviting your mom to go clothes shopping with you and only shop in the men’s section.
- Exploring masculine-coded interests and inviting your father to get involved - doing “guy stuff” with him may help open his mind to the idea that he can connect with you as a son.
- Inviting your dad to take you to the barber shop so you can get men’s haircuts together.
- Introducing yourself as your parents’ son when meeting their friends and acquaintances - “[name_m]Hi[/name_m], I’m [name_m]Bob[/name_m] and [name_f]Karen[/name_f]’s son, [name_m]Jeremy[/name_m].”
- Informing your teachers that you are trans (if they don’t already know), and asking them to use the correct name and pronouns.
- Trying out for a boys-only sport, and inviting your parents to the games.
- Finding local PFLAG or Pride events and inviting your parents to attend with you.
- Seeking out friends with queer and trans accepting parents and introducing your families to each other.
More than anything, make sure you are cultivating a strong support system of friends, family members, and healthcare providers who do support your identity, so that you can lean on them until your parents come around.
Sending you love and wishing you luck.