How do you deal with a grandparent passing?

[name_f]My[/name_f] grandmother passed away @ 2:30 am US central time. I’m devastated I wasn’t there and that she didn’t get to meet my beautiful daughter. I sent her pictures so I am thankful she at least got to see her. She was my last living grandparent so it makes this extra hard. The realization that next are my aunts and uncles, my own parents, etc. I don’t deal with death well in fact I even debated not going to her funeral because I don’t want her laying in a casket to be the last memory I have of her. [name_f]My[/name_f] mom is surprisingly ok I was worried most about her. I guess when they get to that age you kind of expect that this is going to happen and there’s nothing you can do to prevent it. You just have to keep going. On a lighter note [name_m]Gable[/name_m]'s name was given the title of “Interesting gender-bender of the month” in the babyberry report which made me giggle a bit. Still I just really miss my grandma.

I’ve lost three grandparents and a parent. The only thing I’ve learned is… you just deal. I’ve grown up with learning about trauma, so I have a leg up in a lot of ways to other people, but all the literature in the world can’t fully prepare you for the grieving process. It’s different for everyone and everyone reacts in their own ways.

[name_f]My[/name_f] mother was cremated, but I saw her body after she went. I won’t lie, the image has come to me in disturbing ways, but overall it was best. It gave me a certain sense of closure, and it’s not the only way I remember her.

There will always be regrets. I regret a lot of things about my relationship with my mother. I regret that she will not be able to be at my wedding or meet her grandchildren. I regret not having more time with her (I’m only in my mid-20s. Cancer sucks). I regret a lot. You learn to cope with it and appreciate the positives. And I can also take comfort in the fact that her death was overall gentle, and that I outlived her and she would never experience the pain of watching her child die (her own mother wasnot as lucky). The grief also hits me at random times too. [name_f]My[/name_f] partner can talk about something unrelated and it will trigger some memory of my mother for me, and then I get sad and start crying because I know she’s gone and I’m never going to see her again. But it does get better. It stings less, and the hole inside you starts to close a little.

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s really difficult. There’s no way to get around it. It’s an inevitable, natural part of life, but boy does it blow.

I’m pretty unemotional as a person when it comes to the death of a grandparent so I don’t know how much help I’ll be here :confused: On both occasions I cried because other people were upset, not because I felt like I should be crying myself.

I’ve lost both grandmothers (one granddad died when I was a baby). One I didn’t see after she’d died (I was in [name_f]Venice[/name_f] when it happened) and one I did, but I went to both funerals. I wouldn’t say that either experience (seeing the body or not seeing the body) altered my memory of either grandparent, but I’d definitely recommend going to the funeral. I think you’ll regret it if you don’t.

Honestly, you will likely remember the funeral as a whole more than you’ll remember her laying in her casket. [name_f]My[/name_f] grandpa died last [name_u]June[/name_u] (the last living grandparent that I claim) and the day before he passed, he looked really bad (he had cancer). [name_m]Even[/name_m] though I spent several hours with him that night, it’s not what I think about when I think of him. I think of all of the fond memories. :slight_smile:

I saw his body after he passed as well. Like a PP said, it gave me a sense of closure. He didn’t have a funeral and was cremated so I didn’t get my closure there.

You should go to the funeral, you won’t regret it.

I am so sorry for your loss.

[name_f]My[/name_f] grandma passed away Nov. 2010, she was my fourth grandparent to pass away, and I still have one grandma left, but it still hit me really hard. I think I just turn numb when I am faced with grief–I never cry for days, or feel a keen sense of loss; I just become really, really numb. And incredibly defensive about the person, and I just want to talk about them. Like, all the time.

In my grandma’s case, she had come to live with us because the family she was living with (my cousin and his family) hadn’t treated her well at all, and my cousin’s wife was essentially neglecting her, leaving her locked up in her room all day, refusing to feed her, letting her get bed sores because she was too weak to get up, etc., etc. It was truly awful. She had lung and pancreatic cancer! I still get livid, thinking of what they let her go through. :frowning: We didn’t have an extra room for her to stay in, but at least she could have the living room, and she was comfortable, and surrounded by people who WERE happy to have her around, and we made sure she did things that were good for her, like get up and walk around, and we would make her sandwiches for lunch and stuff. I had about 3-9 (my memory’s a bit foggy there!) months to be around her, to soak up her love, to build up a lifetime of memories. And I saw her failing, I saw the cancer stealing her life away, so I knew it was coming. And I was prepared, I think, when it did happen. And I was there, with her, when she slipped away and died. :frowning: It was the most horrifying, terrible thing I have ever had to witness, being right next to a loved one and not being able to do anything to save them, knowing that they’ll be gone forever, but I’m just glad she’s at peace now. She knew how loved she was, and I’m sure I’ll see her when I get to heaven with [name_m]Jesus[/name_m] and all the angels.

I was numb, through the whole day after, and through the funeral the next week (she died on a Thursday, so I remember emailing all my professors and skipping school that day, and then I had the weekend to sort of get used to the news before I had school again), etc. I remember the funeral being a good thing for me. All these people that knew my grandma were there, telling me what a good person she was and how she loved me, and it was good for me to be able to see her, and kiss her good-bye, and tell her I loved her, even though I knew she couldn’t hear me, and tell her I was sorry for all the things I should have done. Like hug her everyday and spent more time with her, etc. It was really cathartic for me. And the funeral… it was a really good thing for me to go through, too. [name_f]My[/name_f] sisters sang, and we got to go to the gravesite, and one of the funeral home officiates offered up a flower from a bouquet to everyone there. I took a lily home, and it has sort of come to symbolize my grandma. It feels like her last gift to me. And my church had a dinner afterwards for the closest family to her.

I told myself I would never, ever forget her. Never forget her face, never forget that Thursday, never forget to remember her each [name_u]November[/name_u] 4. Last [name_u]November[/name_u], it was either the 4th, or a day or two after, I realized it had either passed or nearly passed without me noticing, and I was literally sick to my stomach. I was taking my sister home from school, and it hit me, and my eyes filled with tears, and I just became furious at myself. It was the only way I knew how to honor her, and I’d nearly forgot, and I hated myself in that moment. I told [name_u]Tallie[/name_u], too, because she was really worried about me. I think she was even more worried when I told her I hated myself, haha, but oh, well. I still get hit really hard with emotions about her death, honestly. I don’t know that it’ll ever go away. I can’t even imagine what it’ll be like with my other grandma, because she’s my hero, she’s lived with us since I was about 5 or so, and even though she’s feisty and annoying, she is my whole world and I don’t know what I’ll do when she passes away.

I’m not sure I know how to deal with grief, honestly. I’ve never been the best with it. But remembering everything good about them helps. [name_f]Every[/name_f] time I miss her I think about this one time when I was a sophomore in college, I think? She drove me to work about half an hour from my house, and she was super, super late, but she totally didn’t believe in speeding, and I was about 15 minutes late, and I don’t know why I couldn’t call to tell them, but I couldn’t, and so I was trying my hardest to convince her to go faster so I didn’t get fired, and she kept looking at the road, and then the speedometer, and then the road, and then the speedometer again, and she said, “I know, honey! I am already going five miles above the speed limit! I don’t want to get arrested!” As the other cars are zooming past her in the passing lane. BAHAHA. She cracked me up. As if you’d get a ticket for going five miles above the limit, much less arrested. :slight_smile:

[name_f]Deal[/name_f] with it one day at a time. And go to the funeral. You don’t have to see her body if you can’t deal with it, but at least go. It gave me so much closure. And forcing yourself to do some of those things–like saying good-bye to her, and going to her funeral–may be unpleasant at the time, but at least, in my case, I know that I’m really grateful that I did. I think I’d have a lot more regrets today if I didn’t. But honestly, time is your only ally. It takes time. :frowning:

Good luck, dear! [name_f]My[/name_f] prayers are with your family.